Did you opt in or out of the UMC admission game? Do you regret it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We did All the Things, except we did them too late thanks to a combination of cluelessness and the pandemic. You may have kids who can position themselves for future success without any parental guidance from 14-1. I don't. No regrets except the late start, which we've remedied with kid 2.

And btw, my emphasis is not primarily about money - you don't have to pay for tutors/test prep etc. But you do have to be aware of the landscape for college admissions, which is radically different than whatever today's parents experienced, no matter what their age. And if your kid is in a DMV public school, they have no meaningful counseling services for kids applying to college.

So yes, they may figure out a path on their own, but why would you have kids and presumably spend a lot of time and money guiding them through all the key stages of childhood and then wash your hands of it all just when their future is on the line?

This is like doomsday thinking. Undergrad isn’t making or breaking anyone.

Undergrad made a huge difference in my life. I was from a tiny town and wound up at a great school by luck and the wildly easy admission rates of the 1980s. I wouldn't have my career or anything like it if I hadn't had the opportunities that came my way. My parents didn't hover but they did pay attention. I do too. Some kids will find their way without help, but not every kid. Being informed and providing guidance to your kids around what is the biggest decision they will make in their young lives and the biggest financial investment that many of us will make in their development is not doomsday thinking - it's responsible parenting.

The problem here is you’re just assuming. You have no idea what would have happened if you went somewhere else. If you went somewhere else you might have had a better opportunity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only did test prep and a very short amount.

No private counselor or essay coach.

We were very low key.

Student is straight A, very high test score and a good writer. We did review his essays—grammar and a few suggestions.

That’s it.

+1

Same here. This is the way it should be.

Doubt you would feel the same if your kid was not a straight A student, great test taker and a good writer without your intervention. Or if the essays were terrible in your opinion when you first reviewed them.

Agreed. I don’t want to be a tiger parent, and I’m not, but I am starting to reconsider after seeing where my 9th grader’s grades landed without my intervention. We haven’t done tutoring yet, but my thoughts on it are changing after seeing Cs in core classes (eek! It may be too late, honestly, but she has a week to bring them into the B range before end of term.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'm SUCH a GREAT parent! I say NO to the hamster wheel before my kids even start their careers! They're not the greatest at math and writing, but I have REFUSED to pay for a tutor, even though they know I can afford one! Because I am NOT a sheep! This will ensure they maximize their chance at Life! And by Life, I mean stuck at a no-name private university they don't like, while I pay through the nose because I'm too rich for financial aid, and too stupid for merit aid. My kids are going to be rejected from their state flagship, which have become unaccountably selective (people told me, but I didn't believe it), and I'm too proud to get them into the lesser state colleges! I've been warned about this multiple times on DCUM, but I'm contrary and PROUD of it.

#WINNING.

A+ for effort! You still suck tho.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only did test prep and a very short amount.

No private counselor or essay coach.

We were very low key.

Student is straight A, very high test score and a good writer. We did review his essays—grammar and a few suggestions.

That’s it.

+1

Same here. This is the way it should be.

Doubt you would feel the same if your kid was not a straight A student, great test taker and a good writer without your intervention. Or if the essays were terrible in your opinion when you first reviewed them.

If your kid isn’t a good writer without your intervention, are you still going to be helping them in college and beyond? Serious question.

[Anonymous]

We didn't do any of that because DC wasn't interested and refused such things when offered or suggested. Did what they wanted in terms of ECs. But even those were done with as much / little gusto they happened to be feeling, so sometimes did well, sometimes were along for the ride. DC has always been one of those "potential" kids who scored 99% on SAT first time even without any prep, but grades less stellar because of ADD, not turning things in, forgetting there was a test the next day. Refused an executive function coach so yes we were trying to address that (had 504 plan).

Despite that all got into a very good school, not as great as might have been possible if they had done all those things and potential, but a T50 school nonetheless.

So, what can I say. Some kids don't take being nudged very well and ours was one. But they can look back and say they did it on their own terms. And they are enjoying college and doing fine academically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think we had a single conversation about college til they were 14 or 15.

Did SAT prep via Kahn academy which I suspect some people don't think "counts" cause it's free, but it's time invested. I cast no judgement if people paid.

I think everybody who wants to pay for SAT prep should first have their kid do Khan Academy. It's a great first step since it's official College Board material.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We didn't do any of that because DC wasn't interested and refused such things when offered or suggested. Did what they wanted in terms of ECs. But even those were done with as much / little gusto they happened to be feeling, so sometimes did well, sometimes were along for the ride. DC has always been one of those "potential" kids who scored 99% on SAT first time even without any prep, but grades less stellar because of ADD, not turning things in, forgetting there was a test the next day. Refused an executive function coach so yes we were trying to address that (had 504 plan).

Despite that all got into a very good school, not as great as might have been possible if they had done all those things and potential, but a T50 school nonetheless.

So, what can I say. Some kids don't take being nudged very well and ours was one. But they can look back and say they did it on their own terms. And they are enjoying college and doing fine academically.

I had one of these too, at least in regards to ECs. Had to learn early that he was going to follow his own path there. Finished HS with very minimal ECs but had volunteered regularly with the family and got something out of that which showed up in college essays.

I feel my job is to make the resources available and guide them towards options that can make the best of opportunities. Both kids have ADHD and we did pay for tutors. Not for every class but where they were struggling and to learn how to cope with their EF challenges (we pay for medication and therapists too). We encouraged challenging classes -- which they were up for because their friends we also doing a lot of APs -- but also insisted on balance so junior year was 3 APs not the 4-5 some friends took because doing well in 3 is better than killing yourself for a B-C average in 5 APs. DD did have a clear passion for the outdoors and so I helped her find outside-of-school ECs that she enjoyed to build on that. We paid for summer camps to explore interests and each did a short pre-college program to test out their planned majors.

We didn't pay for a college coach but that's because I really immersed myself in understanding college admissions and doing the research for potential options. I got really clear on what we could afford and, frankly, that takes out some of the stress when you realize that even if you pushed the kids and they pushed themselves to do absolutely everything to be the perfect candidate and they got into impressive schools we ultimately couldn't pay for them anyway. So we focused on learning about schools we could afford, helping the kids figure out what environment appealed to them (big state u for one, LAC for another), and what schools had great programs for what they wanted to do. Both are happy where they landed and doing well since they had a good HS foundation.

One note about tutors...DS was really resistant to a tutor when we first insisted on one in 9th grade when he was failing French. We learned his MS had done a bad job with teaching the foundations so he was floundering. I think some kids get the idea that there is some shame in needing a tutor. He ended up really liking his French tutor (a young man who also shared his love of soccer) and after that was more open to working with an EF and writing tutor (also a young man). Now in college, he knows the value of going to the writing center or the student support center when he needs it. I think if you need a tutor for every class, all the time, something is probably off in the classes the kid is in. But, teaching kids that it's ok to get additional help when you hit a rough patch is a good thing.

[Anonymous]

Why avoid helping your child shine IF you have the resources? We did everything: private school, tutors, SAT prep and private college counselor in beginning in 9th grade (wish we’d started in 8th). DS admitted ED to a T10 where he’s thriving. I don’t think he would have had the same result without the extra assistance.

[Anonymous]

No. My kid is a college freshman and in a good school for him. I don't know or care what the acceptance rate is. I can afford it since we got a lot of money in FA and merit scholarships.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t read the other replies, but doing nothing when you have the capacity to help is *negligent*.

You should at least do SAT prep.

Shame on you!

When your kids see peers who received support from their families thriving economically while they are struggling, they will be angry with you.

It is a brutal sorting system and there isn’t a lot of room at the top. You tossed your kids into the abyss. There is no social safety net in America. Many people do not find their way.

[Anonymous]

Agree 100% with PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The flip side of 'there's a place for everyone' is you must make your place when you get there. We took a fairly hands off approach. My DC went to a smaller school (that for some reason gets heavily trolled around here) and did well. Had meaningful relationships with professors. Found a major she wasn't looking at going in. Found a job in the field even though it's not stem, etc. But it's not that everyone at her school did the same.

Was it Gettysburg? I ask because I went there, and “meaningful relationships with professors” was a hallmark of my experience. No idea why the school gets trolled so hard on this board, but it’s a great college! Congrats to your DD on making the most of her experience at her college (even if I’m wrong and it wasn’t Gburg, ha!) and congrats to you on setting her up to get that experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t need to do all of “the things” but to do nothing, seems neglectful.

You have got to be kidding me. This kind of thinking is so so harmful to kids. Are you that desperate for a “top” school? Because you know kids can be successful and get an excellent education at pretty much any T150 school.

Top 150 schools aren’t so easy to get into. Plus they’re expensive. Why wouldn’t you help your kid navigate the process? I don’t understand parents who refuse to help or engage. One of my kid’s closest friends has to do everything on her own, and it’s a very lonely process for her. She sure could use her parent’s support.

[Anonymous]

Is this a weird form of humble bragging, OP?
It seems that not doing anything (or not much) as parents is more for your own reassurance that you're fulfilling your own idea of a good parent than your kids' actual desires or needs.
The college landscape today is so, so different than 20 years ago. There are few students out there who are organized and ambitious and resourceful enough to prepare for college applications without guidance from their parents.
You have to know your own kids. I have one child who has ambitions in a musical field, and there is no way that he could have applied to schools without our assistance. Between the lessons, auditions, recordings, performances, etc., I do not see how any child could succeed in the arts without substantial parental assistance. I think this is also true for kids who want to play sports in college or require any sort of artistic portfolio - if your child wants to succeed, parents need to help.
Maybe your kid doesn't have such ambitions, but even figuring out which colleges might be appropriate for their strengths and understanding the complex financial landscape of college requires parental involvement. If your child is in a public school, you should not expect any help from the school's college counselor.
Do your kids a favor and help them to realize their potential. That doesn't mean pushing them for Ivy or top-20 admissions, but it does mean working with them to explore colleges, understand finances, and consider various courses of study.
If you actually have the resources to help your child in a constructive way, why in the world would you not help your child to appreciate the opportunities are available to hem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only did test prep and a very short amount.

No private counselor or essay coach.

We were very low key.

Student is straight A, very high test score and a good writer. We did review his essays—grammar and a few suggestions.

That’s it.

+1

Same here. This is the way it should be.

Doubt you would feel the same if your kid was not a straight A student, great test taker and a good writer without your intervention. Or if the essays were terrible in your opinion when you first reviewed them.

If your kid isn’t a good writer without your intervention, are you still going to be helping them in college and beyond? Serious question.

Not PP, but my answer is that no I would not help them in college and beyond. But I absolutely would provide the help they needed while in school to get better at writing, whether that be more classes, more tutors, or more of my own intervention to review and help.

I'm interested in where the "their in HS, don't do anything to help them" crowd draw the line. Is it freshman year? Or are you throwing your hands up about a second grader learning to read and saying it is just up to them? If you had a sixth grader who really wanted to be on the middle school soccer team, would you say no to signing them up with a coach or looking for the best team?