When to intervene- Mean Girl Bullying

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your daughter have no idea why this is happening? Why has she been singled out. Is there a boy involved? Is your daughter outshining one of them in some activity? What's behind all of this?

+1

great questions. Also, is it mainly one girl driving this, while others go along? Any insight OP?

She has no idea why and she is tortured over this fact. She just wants to know why. She never talks bad about other girls. She goes out of her way to be nice to everyone. She has a reputation of being nice but I think these kids read that as a weakness and want to tear her down. She hosts parties, big and small and includes everyone. She is pretty. She is “relevant” in that everyone knows who she is. Athletic but not a star. She has a very nice academic athletic boyfriend who goes to a public school. The bullying consists of ignoring her or talking over her at school, snide comments disguised as “jokes”, exclusion and the drunk girl at the party called her annoying slut over and over again and bragged about stealing the so called BFF who watched the whole thing go down and egged it on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry that your DD is going through this. I'm also sorry that you are about to find out that none of these other parents are actually your friend. Despite PPs claiming they would want to know if their child was a bully, in my experience no parent wants to know and will often make excuses for their child's behavior. I would start looking at new schools for your DD.

OP here. I fear you will be absolutely correct. My heart breaks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your daughter have no idea why this is happening? Why has she been singled out. Is there a boy involved? Is your daughter outshining one of them in some activity? What's behind all of this?

+1

great questions. Also, is it mainly one girl driving this, while others go along? Any insight OP?

She has no idea why and she is tortured over this fact. She just wants to know why. She never talks bad about other girls. She goes out of her way to be nice to everyone. She has a reputation of being nice but I think these kids read that as a weakness and want to tear her down. She hosts parties, big and small and includes everyone. She is pretty. She is “relevant” in that everyone knows who she is. Athletic but not a star. She has a very nice academic athletic boyfriend who goes to a public school. The bullying consists of ignoring her or talking over her at school, snide comments disguised as “jokes”, exclusion and the drunk girl at the party called her annoying slut over and over again and bragged about stealing the so called BFF who watched the whole thing go down and egged it on.

She sounds like she has a lot going for her.

But, what do you mean she "hosts parties". You said you live in a small apartment, where are these parties at? Since alcohol was a factor at the sleepover, what's happening at these parties?

Your read on her may not be the same as everyone else's. You say she's nice, inclusive, pretty, athletic, basically perfect. But, you're her mom, not exactly an unbiased source.

[Anonymous]

Your DD has similar traits to my DD. Could it perhaps be jealousy? It sounds like she is a great kid and because she nice, it makes the others feel better to bring her down.
Seperately, the fact that she still hangs out with them, throws parties for them, wants to attend their events means that she needs to work on her self worth and esteem. Believe me, it isn't easy as my DD just started working with a therapist on this. I see the dynamics between her and her former best friend, now frenemy and despite me pointing out the obvious, my DD still want to hang out with her.
She agreed to see a therapist under the guise of managing her anxiety, but I did tell the therapist what was going on and will work with her on building her confidence when it comes to these "friendships".
I would keep the other parents out if it. It will only make things work and frankly, pulling in the school wont help either. Your DD has to stay away from these girls and figure out why, after all they have done to her, she is still drawn to them.
I am not a huge proponent of therapy, but since my dd doesn't listen to me, I figure having someone to vent to might be helpful.
I am so sorry she is going thru this, but this is really an opportunity for to "grow some balls" and toughen up (which is very difficult to do but will empower her).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your daughter have no idea why this is happening? Why has she been singled out. Is there a boy involved? Is your daughter outshining one of them in some activity? What's behind all of this?

+1

great questions. Also, is it mainly one girl driving this, while others go along? Any insight OP?

She has no idea why and she is tortured over this fact. She just wants to know why. She never talks bad about other girls. She goes out of her way to be nice to everyone. She has a reputation of being nice but I think these kids read that as a weakness and want to tear her down. She hosts parties, big and small and includes everyone. She is pretty. She is “relevant” in that everyone knows who she is. Athletic but not a star. She has a very nice academic athletic boyfriend who goes to a public school. The bullying consists of ignoring her or talking over her at school, snide comments disguised as “jokes”, exclusion and the drunk girl at the party called her annoying slut over and over again and bragged about stealing the so called BFF who watched the whole thing go down and egged it on.

She sounds like she has a lot going for her.

But, what do you mean she "hosts parties". You said you live in a small apartment, where are these parties at? Since alcohol was a factor at the sleepover, what's happening at these parties?

Your read on her may not be the same as everyone else's. You say she's nice, inclusive, pretty, athletic, basically perfect. But, you're her mom, not exactly an unbiased source.

She’s definitely not perfect. No kid is and if she had done something to warrant this behavior, I would honestly want to know. She is clearly not a leader and not tough enough to withstand bullying. She has many flaws but is a kind person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DD has similar traits to my DD. Could it perhaps be jealousy? It sounds like she is a great kid and because she nice, it makes the others feel better to bring her down.
Seperately, the fact that she still hangs out with them, throws parties for them, wants to attend their events means that she needs to work on her self worth and esteem. Believe me, it isn't easy as my DD just started working with a therapist on this. I see the dynamics between her and her former best friend, now frenemy and despite me pointing out the obvious, my DD still want to hang out with her.
She agreed to see a therapist under the guise of managing her anxiety, but I did tell the therapist what was going on and will work with her on building her confidence when it comes to these "friendships".
I would keep the other parents out if it. It will only make things work and frankly, pulling in the school wont help either. Your DD has to stay away from these girls and figure out why, after all they have done to her, she is still drawn to them.
I am not a huge proponent of therapy, but since my dd doesn't listen to me, I figure having someone to vent to might be helpful.
I am so sorry she is going thru this, but this is really an opportunity for to "grow some balls" and toughen up (which is very difficult to do but will empower her).

This is also very good advice. Thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This kid needs to change schools ASAP.

Only real option. New start in Jan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry that your DD is going through this. I'm also sorry that you are about to find out that none of these other parents are actually your friend. Despite PPs claiming they would want to know if their child was a bully, in my experience no parent wants to know and will often make excuses for their child's behavior. I would start looking at new schools for your DD.

+1 it’s all I want to know my child is being a bully until their child is actually a bully and then it’s excuse after excuse. I have met this with a whole field of parents, from really nice ones I socialize with to bad personalities. EVERYONE has blinkers on when it comes to their own children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your daughter have no idea why this is happening? Why has she been singled out. Is there a boy involved? Is your daughter outshining one of them in some activity? What's behind all of this?

+1

great questions. Also, is it mainly one girl driving this, while others go along? Any insight OP?

She has no idea why and she is tortured over this fact. She just wants to know why. She never talks bad about other girls. She goes out of her way to be nice to everyone. She has a reputation of being nice but I think these kids read that as a weakness and want to tear her down. She hosts parties, big and small and includes everyone. She is pretty. She is “relevant” in that everyone knows who she is. Athletic but not a star. She has a very nice academic athletic boyfriend who goes to a public school. The bullying consists of ignoring her or talking over her at school, snide comments disguised as “jokes”, exclusion and the drunk girl at the party called her annoying slut over and over again and bragged about stealing the so called BFF who watched the whole thing go down and egged it on.

Is there even one mom friend (of this group) that you can trust? One you are closest to? One who wouldn’t blab to her daughter or the rest of the mothers? Seems unlikely, but if so- I’d ask if they have any idea the reason for the falling out (and you’d have to use that sort of non-accusatory phrasing) . Most moms will have overheard something. Having that info may not change anything but you never know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry that your DD is going through this. I'm also sorry that you are about to find out that none of these other parents are actually your friend. Despite PPs claiming they would want to know if their child was a bully, in my experience no parent wants to know and will often make excuses for their child's behavior. I would start looking at new schools for your DD.

OP here. I fear you will be absolutely correct. My heart breaks.

OP, yikes. You need to grasp the OBVIOUS fact that these parents are no more your friends than their kids are your daughter's friends.

Enroll her in the boyfriend's public to start in January.

Get her therapy to work on her self esteem, and set a better model yourself. You are so enmeshed in a horrible situation that you seem reluctant to do the sensible thing and step away as a family. Have your husband confine his ire to trying to get some amount refunded on your remaining contract.

Social ostracism is a thing, if for no more reason than negative group bonding. This is not a safe or healthy situation anymore for your kid. The admin can't control social dynamics and you can't control other parents.

If you are not in bounds for the boyfriend's public, I'd consider moving in bounds. Get on with your lives. We can't control other people, only ourselves. We do no one any favors by indulging in magic thinking. Whatever ego investment you had in the social scene at the private, it no longer exists for you and yours, for no good reason. That happens sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your daughter have no idea why this is happening? Why has she been singled out. Is there a boy involved? Is your daughter outshining one of them in some activity? What's behind all of this?

+1

great questions. Also, is it mainly one girl driving this, while others go along? Any insight OP?

She has no idea why and she is tortured over this fact. She just wants to know why. She never talks bad about other girls. She goes out of her way to be nice to everyone. She has a reputation of being nice but I think these kids read that as a weakness and want to tear her down. She hosts parties, big and small and includes everyone. She is pretty. She is “relevant” in that everyone knows who she is. Athletic but not a star. She has a very nice academic athletic boyfriend who goes to a public school. The bullying consists of ignoring her or talking over her at school, snide comments disguised as “jokes”, exclusion and the drunk girl at the party called her annoying slut over and over again and bragged about stealing the so called BFF who watched the whole thing go down and egged it on.

Lisa Damour has a great books and in at least one of her podcast episodes she talks about how groups will sometimes arbitrarily turn on one person as a means of bonding. It was shocking to read this as someone who was in this situation as a teen, but she explains it quite clearly. Before you try to analyze the source of this relational aggression, consider that your daughter just had the misfortune of being the “chosen” one.

Also I know NYC school admissions are competitive and this might be a small parochial or private religious school that you feel stuck at, but you can always find another school. I say that as someone who is in a much smaller market for private schools but have found alternatives when I had to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your daughter have no idea why this is happening? Why has she been singled out. Is there a boy involved? Is your daughter outshining one of them in some activity? What's behind all of this?

+1

great questions. Also, is it mainly one girl driving this, while others go along? Any insight OP?

She has no idea why and she is tortured over this fact. She just wants to know why. She never talks bad about other girls. She goes out of her way to be nice to everyone. She has a reputation of being nice but I think these kids read that as a weakness and want to tear her down. She hosts parties, big and small and includes everyone. She is pretty. She is “relevant” in that everyone knows who she is. Athletic but not a star. She has a very nice academic athletic boyfriend who goes to a public school. The bullying consists of ignoring her or talking over her at school, snide comments disguised as “jokes”, exclusion and the drunk girl at the party called her annoying slut over and over again and bragged about stealing the so called BFF who watched the whole thing go down and egged it on.

Is there even one mom friend (of this group) that you can trust? One you are closest to? One who wouldn’t blab to her daughter or the rest of the mothers? Seems unlikely, but if so- I’d ask if they have any idea the reason for the falling out (and you’d have to use that sort of non-accusatory phrasing) . Most moms will have overheard something. Having that info may not change anything but you never know.

Or a mom friend of a kid at school not involved in the situation. I have 2 in high school and hear soooo much gossip. I imagine it would be even more, in a smaller school. Stuff like this is not usually kept quiet- all the kids know. Barring that- could a trusted teacher or advisor shed any light? If the school is as small as you say, they may know something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry that your DD is going through this. I'm also sorry that you are about to find out that none of these other parents are actually your friend. Despite PPs claiming they would want to know if their child was a bully, in my experience no parent wants to know and will often make excuses for their child's behavior. I would start looking at new schools for your DD.

OP here. I fear you will be absolutely correct. My heart breaks.

OP, yikes. You need to grasp the OBVIOUS fact that these parents are no more your friends than their kids are your daughter's friends.

Enroll her in the boyfriend's public to start in January.

Get her therapy to work on her self esteem, and set a better model yourself. You are so enmeshed in a horrible situation that you seem reluctant to do the sensible thing and step away as a family. Have your husband confine his ire to trying to get some amount refunded on your remaining contract.

Social ostracism is a thing, if for no more reason than negative group bonding. This is not a safe or healthy situation anymore for your kid. The admin can't control social dynamics and you can't control other parents.

If you are not in bounds for the boyfriend's public, I'd consider moving in bounds. Get on with your lives. We can't control other people, only ourselves. We do no one any favors by indulging in magic thinking. Whatever ego investment you had in the social scene at the private, it no longer exists for you and yours, for no good reason. That happens sometimes.

Op here. Reluctantly there is truth to this. But I am willing to dumpster fire the Mom friends if they are ok or ignore this bully behavior. Because I just can’t respect their complicity. I can always make new friends. I just don’t want it to backfire on my daughter and make it worse for her. I hate starting over somewhere else when we have such a good relationship with the school and they support her academics (she needs a lot of support) but my daughter’s mental health is first. No question. She def won’t be following her boyfriend to any school though. He is a great supportive kid but she’s her own person. I never want her relying on a boy/man to feel safe and valued. That has to come from within. When they eventually break up (like all teens do) where would that leave her? I’ve struggled with those self esteem issues my whole life as a result of bullying. Boys are not the answer to mean girls.

[Anonymous]

Have you really talked to her about any of this? You gained a lot of knowledge by eavesdropping on her conversations yet you seem to know every last detail and are using really dramatic language.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you really talked to her about any of this? You gained a lot of knowledge by eavesdropping on her conversations yet you seem to know every last detail and are using really dramatic language.

At this point I have talked to her at length because I finally realized this wasn’t blowing over. I had a vague idea something has been wrong but now I know. We have a close relationship. Also, I wasn’t eavesdropping. She was so upset, sobbing and yelling the story to her friend and our home is open floor planned. There was zero escaping it. The whole entire family heard the whole thing.