When to intervene- Mean Girl Bullying

[Anonymous]

You need to move your kid,

Plenty of other schools in nyc

And principal not parents only about things that happen at school. You should have already done that. These girls are not going to stop

Stay out of it. They are not babies you don’t call the other parents you support your kid you love their school

[Anonymous]

Switch schools OP. Why is this even a question.

[Anonymous]

How old exactly? For example, If DD is already 16, it may not be worth a move.

[Anonymous]

I have heard this is the negative to a small private school.

My friend’s daughter has had all sorts of drama over the years with girls at her small private school. Her drama had more to do with jealousy of friends getting closer and doing things together.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I am taking each and every response to heart. Thank you. Could not sleep all night. I was bullied horrendously in HS and know how much is effected me. My daughter cried all day and it was hard to watch. I am trying to sort my own baggage of being bullied from her situation to see clearly. Those wounds last. This is hard. We love the school so much. It was so amazing for her until this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old exactly? For example, If DD is already 16, it may not be worth a move.

She is 15. If there is no way to resolve this, we would make the move. On the way out we would be very clear with the school about who and who she was leaving. My husband is a high profile parent that they wouldn’t want to see go.

[Anonymous]

I would be so upset if this happened to my child. I am sorry for you and your daughter.

I have teen and tween boys and an elementary daughter. My son had a falling out with a king bee friend and he was awful to my son. We attend a public school though with 500 kids per grade. We encouraged other friendships and friends outside of school like friends from sports teams and getting together with family friends. Another year passed and while jerk king bee and DS are still not friends, they can attend parties and events together without being pissed.

[Anonymous]

How big is this school? Does she have other friends/acquaintances at the school from clubs or sports?

This sounds like a plot from any teen tv show.

[Anonymous]

Who was your daughter sobbing on they phone to? Does she have at least one or two friends? That can make a huge difference. You say this friend group is 15 people. That's large. Surely they weren't all at the sleepover?

If there are still a few potential friends, it might be worth sticking it out. It can be empowering to have such an awful thing but then come back with your head up, no matter how awful it feels.

If the girls say the party were really that vicious, probably some other kids are not comfortable with that dynamic. The key thing is to find out who are the kind ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be so upset if this happened to my child. I am sorry for you and your daughter.

I have teen and tween boys and an elementary daughter. My son had a falling out with a king bee friend and he was awful to my son. We attend a public school though with 500 kids per grade. We encouraged other friendships and friends outside of school like friends from sports teams and getting together with family friends. Another year passed and while jerk king bee and DS are still not friends, they can attend parties and events together without being pissed.

Yep- there are King Bees among the boys too. Same thing happened to my DS, but in a larger school it was easier for it to eventually blow over. They are still not friends but just ignore each other.

OP- I’m very sorry for you and your DD. I know how stressful this can be. Kids can be so awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am taking each and every response to heart. Thank you. Could not sleep all night. I was bullied horrendously in HS and know how much is effected me. My daughter cried all day and it was hard to watch. I am trying to sort my own baggage of being bullied from her situation to see clearly. Those wounds last. This is hard. We love the school so much. It was so amazing for her until this.

I was this girl too OP. My one regret is not changing schools. You change schools. That's the only answer. This group is toxic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who was your daughter sobbing on they phone to? Does she have at least one or two friends? That can make a huge difference. You say this friend group is 15 people. That's large. Surely they weren't all at the sleepover?

If there are still a few potential friends, it might be worth sticking it out. It can be empowering to have such an awful thing but then come back with your head up, no matter how awful it feels.

If the girls say the party were really that vicious, probably some other kids are not comfortable with that dynamic. The key thing is to find out who are the kind ones.

I was going to say doubtful all 15 girls are mean. The others may have chuckled or gone along. Not saying this is ok but it doesn’t have to be friend ending for all 15 girls.

I would personally reach out to the moms who are my personal adult friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be so upset if this happened to my child. I am sorry for you and your daughter.

I have teen and tween boys and an elementary daughter. My son had a falling out with a king bee friend and he was awful to my son. We attend a public school though with 500 kids per grade. We encouraged other friendships and friends outside of school like friends from sports teams and getting together with family friends. Another year passed and while jerk king bee and DS are still not friends, they can attend parties and events together without being pissed.

Yep- there are King Bees among the boys too. Same thing happened to my DS, but in a larger school it was easier for it to eventually blow over. They are still not friends but just ignore each other.

OP- I’m very sorry for you and your DD. I know how stressful this can be. Kids can be so awful.

Pp here. I knew the king bee parents well. I consider them friends while not close adult friends. I told the mom that her son had punched, pushed and was mean to my son. I think both sets of parents tried to get kids to reconcile but they didn’t. I at least know the parents talked to their son so it didn’t escalate further. I just had DS avoid the boy. The boys were 11-12, not teens.

15 is definitely old for parents to intervene. My older son has a good group of friends. I have never intervened in his social life. There have been times when kids in sports would trash talk and bully to the point of my son being in tears but these are not his friends. We have taken a break and switched teams and sports academics due to toxic environment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to find other friends. What extra curriculars does she do outside of school? She needs to make friends through those and focus on those friends.

OP again. Agree unfortunately doesn’t resolve the problem. She already does that, has other good friends that she hangs out with outside school from sports, prior schools attended. She is well known amongst kids at various area schools. Because she is so nice, she has a good rep and well liked. This is a school friend group specific problem of mean bullying queen bees within a smallish private girls school with very few internal options.

If this is so, she’s in a far better place than a lot of kids in these types of situations. Can she just keep her head down and focus on academics at school and get her social fix elsewhere?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who was your daughter sobbing on they phone to? Does she have at least one or two friends? That can make a huge difference. You say this friend group is 15 people. That's large. Surely they weren't all at the sleepover?

If there are still a few potential friends, it might be worth sticking it out. It can be empowering to have such an awful thing but then come back with your head up, no matter how awful it feels.

If the girls say the party were really that vicious, probably some other kids are not comfortable with that dynamic. The key thing is to find out who are the kind ones.

I was going to say doubtful all 15 girls are mean. The others may have chuckled or gone along. Not saying this is ok but it doesn’t have to be friend ending for all 15 girls.

I would personally reach out to the moms who are my personal adult friends.

I’m not sure reaching out to moms would make much difference. Odds are very high they already know what is going on, anyway. I have a 15yo DD and while I would talk with her about it- and make sure she isn’t participating in this- I’m not sure I could (or should) try to force her to actively tangle with the Queen Bee either. They are just too old for parents to be involved on this level. Reaching out could very well have the opposite effect and make the DD’s situation worse.