When to intervene- Mean Girl Bullying

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who was your daughter sobbing on they phone to? Does she have at least one or two friends? That can make a huge difference. You say this friend group is 15 people. That's large. Surely they weren't all at the sleepover?

If there are still a few potential friends, it might be worth sticking it out. It can be empowering to have such an awful thing but then come back with your head up, no matter how awful it feels.

If the girls say the party were really that vicious, probably some other kids are not comfortable with that dynamic. The key thing is to find out who are the kind ones.

I was going to say doubtful all 15 girls are mean. The others may have chuckled or gone along. Not saying this is ok but it doesn’t have to be friend ending for all 15 girls.

I would personally reach out to the moms who are my personal adult friends.

I’m not sure reaching out to moms would make much difference. Odds are very high they already know what is going on, anyway. I have a 15yo DD and while I would talk with her about it- and make sure she isn’t participating in this- I’m not sure I could (or should) try to force her to actively tangle with the Queen Bee either. They are just too old for parents to be involved on this level. Reaching out could very well have the opposite effect and make the DD’s situation worse.

If my child participated in bullying behavior, I would find it unacceptable and absolutely would want to know. If my child witnessed and did not stick up for a friend, I would also talk to my child.

My child has told me stories of girls being fat shamed and called sluts. My child did not participate but witnessed girls crying and being obviously upset. My child told me that the bullies may target them instead and kids are afraid of that.

If OP is actual friends with parents, I think it is worth a phone call or coffee.

[Anonymous]

I think parents getting involved in this kind of thing tends to make the group dynamics even more toxic (and sneaky and vindictive). Your kid needs to ignore and look elsewhere for connections.

[Anonymous]

Dumping old friend for a more popular group is common and happens all the time. Your daughter should just stay away from them and hang out with her other friends. I just saw that your daughter does have friends from other places.

If any inappropriate behavior happens at school, I would inform the school.

[Anonymous]

I was your DD, OP. 7th - senior year, the same girls. Once it starts it is next to impossible to stop given that your DD's (my) personality is too nice and don't have the skills to avoid it or manage it. Sorry, OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dumping old friend for a more popular group is common and happens all the time. Your daughter should just stay away from them and hang out with her other friends. I just saw that your daughter does have friends from other places.

If any inappropriate behavior happens at school, I would inform the school.

+1

I think this is the most solid plan. Keep away from these girls socially- and if anything happens at school, address with the school. You could also discreetly start looking into changing schools or even gets apps rolling, in case the situation worsens.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for continuing to respond. I am torn because I agree that the behavior will continue. I think it is very telling that not one girl reached out to check on her after this. Radio silence. When something this dramatic and juicy happens, there are snap groups talking. She is obviously not in the snap group where this is being discussed which leads me to believe this will escalate. She is in a vacuum of no information.

To many of your points, I am worried that getting involved will escalate the bullying. But I disagree that 15 is too old to invtervene. 14 and 15 year olds are still learning and parents not being involved is a HUGE part of the problem. These bullies run around unchecked and undisciplined and inflict lifelong mental damage on their victims. If your kid is a bully or a passive participant, teach them to be better humans.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter should never have gone to that sleepover or she should have left early.

[Anonymous]

Is this an all girls school? Does she have any guy friends?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry that your DD is going through this. I'm also sorry that you are about to find out that none of these other parents are actually your friend. Despite PPs claiming they would want to know if their child was a bully, in my experience no parent wants to know and will often make excuses for their child's behavior. I would start looking at new schools for your DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter should never have gone to that sleepover or she should have left early.

Agree but it would’ve happened sooner or later.

[Anonymous]

Does your daughter have no idea why this is happening? Why has she been singled out. Is there a boy involved? Is your daughter outshining one of them in some activity? What's behind all of this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your daughter have no idea why this is happening? Why has she been singled out. Is there a boy involved? Is your daughter outshining one of them in some activity? What's behind all of this?

+1

great questions. Also, is it mainly one girl driving this, while others go along? Any insight OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry that your DD is going through this. I'm also sorry that you are about to find out that none of these other parents are actually your friend. Despite PPs claiming they would want to know if their child was a bully, in my experience no parent wants to know and will often make excuses for their child's behavior. I would start looking at new schools for your DD.

I’m the one who said I would want to know. I also have 2 boys and a younger daughter.

I know my kids think certain kids are not cool or weird. I don’t force my kids to be friends with kids. I still want to know if my kids were actively bullying or being mean.

I read some Halloween drama on here. I know my kids were included in some trick or treating. I had a bunch of kids come to my house. My one kid joined another group. Some kids were left out. I don’t think my kid was actively excluding anyone. I do know his one friend ditched one boy to join DS’s group. I clearly told my son not to ever ditch his friends.

I don’t consider not including bullying. I don’t think this everyone has to be included. I absolutely think intentional cruel behavior is unacceptable. I think most parents would not want their kid to be going around bullying others.

[Anonymous]

What does your daughter want to do?

[Anonymous]

I think if she just ignores and avoids them, they may get bored.