When to intervene- Mean Girl Bullying

[Anonymous]

My teen daughter goes to a very small private all girls school in NYC which is where we live. She has a friend group of about 15 girls but this year something changed. The girls were being “sneaky mean”. Ignoring her, acting like she didn’t exist, not including her outside school but still showing up at her parties and asking her to throw more, piling on her with insults that were “just jokes”, snapping at her at school. So she tried to stick up for herself and it got worse. Her best friend dumped her and began sucking up to the other “popular” group members. I tried to talk to the mother of her one time “best friend” who was also my friend. The mother said she wouldn’t get involved and the girls needed to work it out themselves. I felt shamed like an overzealous bad mom for trying to intervene.

Then the tide changed. A few other really mean things happened quickly to pointedly exclude her and intended to hurt her. Then Daughter was last minute invited to a sleepover. I advised he not to go based on what was happening. She wanted to go. At the party, her old best friends “new” best friend viciously went after my daughter in front of the other girls calling her horrible names causing my daughter to sob and melt down crying The other girls at the party laughed at the whole thing. The old best friend cheered on the abuse and bragged about stoking the flames it the next morning.

The girl who went after her half assed apologized via text and claimed she was drunk. Radio silence from the old best friend. I think a line was crossed. I know all of this because we have a very small apartment and I could hear my daughter sobbing the story out to a mutual friend. This isn’t about simply working out differences anymore. At what point do I intervene again? Tricky because I am friends with the Moms of these girls but she is obviously my only priority and will go down in flames for her but also don’t want to further hurt her by alienating her even more from these girls and losing her trust because I overheard the story. My husband is freaking furious and wants to intervene. I have been trying to take a measured approach. I don’t want things to get worse. Thinking of changing schools for DD. She is a sweet sensitive kind pretty girl. Hence the target on her back. I am torn how to handle. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

I would change schools. With a small school it is going to be difficult for her to find new friends and it just isn't worth it to have to deal with these girls. I'd also 100% end the friendship with these moms.

[Anonymous]

OP here. She has done really well academically at this school and needs the support. The only other all girls school in the area has some cross over in friend groups so she might not entirely escape.

[Anonymous]

Contact the principal.

[Anonymous]

She needs to find other friends. What extra curriculars does she do outside of school? She needs to make friends through those and focus on those friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She needs to find other friends. What extra curriculars does she do outside of school? She needs to make friends through those and focus on those friends.

OP again. Agree unfortunately doesn’t resolve the problem. She already does that, has other good friends that she hangs out with outside school from sports, prior schools attended. She is well known amongst kids at various area schools. Because she is so nice, she has a good rep and well liked. This is a school friend group specific problem of mean bullying queen bees within a smallish private girls school with very few internal options.

[Anonymous]

If you tried to intervene, what could you even do? Do you want to take it to the school administrators? What do you want them to do?

[Anonymous]

I am not sure what could be done since the teen girls cannot be made to like or include someone. Plus, those are not teens you want your teen around so makes no sense to push for inclusion. If they are making nasty comments at school then yes alert the school. Do get your child a therapist since that type of cruelty can cause damage. The parent of the girl who is your ‘friend’ but is fine with her child’s behavior is telling. She is not your friend and she will not raise a kind child. My advise is to let your child choose to go to a different school if she wants so she feels like she has some control. If she chooses to stay at the school dominated by cruel teens that can be her choice. I know you said your teen does well academically but be prepared for that not lasting if she feels forced into a terrible environment outside her control. She has lost control in her friend group and has no power to make her ‘friends’ like her so please do give her control and power in other parts of her life. —- On a side note, the school is certainly complicit in creating this type of culture so not sure I would want to pay for the privilege of my child being treated like crap even if the academics were good. There are other schools out there with good academics that might have a better culture of respect. Please let your child know she has choices.

[Anonymous]

Go on FB and find out what happened to the mean girls from your high school. Point out to your kid that high school ends, but petty is ugly forever, and not everyone outgrows this "phase".

Teach your kid that it's okay to be disliked by jerks. It's actually great. Teach her to thank people for telling the truth about themselves instead of internalizing their projections and taking their mediocrity personally.

Nobody secure, cool, or even decent behaves the way these "friends" do. Point that out. Then point your kid toward the people who behave reasonably and encourage her not to join Team Jerk just to fit in with bullies. Teach her to root herself in who she is so she doesn't feel compelled to conform to low standards.

And if the excuse was "I was drunk", tell the parents, and possibly the school. You are responsible for what drunk you says and does (I know adults who don't seem to understand this).

[Anonymous]

This kid needs to change schools ASAP.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry. This must be horribly stressful.

Switching schools is probably going to be your only option here IMO. These smaller school environments are so socially risky. Can she not move to a larger school without such overlap?

Also, these mothers are not your friends- the situation wouldn’t have gotten this out of hand if so- they know full well what is going on.

[Anonymous]

How old is your daughter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is your daughter?

Ok I see teen not tween. You need to let her handle this. She made a bad choice to go to the sleepover even though you told her it was a bad idea to go. She’s going to have to learn for herself.

[Anonymous]

Seems obvious that- for whatever reason- the queen bee or person of power within the group turned on DD and caused a domino effect. Eventually her best friend bailed to save herself. Who is the queen bee of the group? Is there any hope of restoring things with her? Only DD would really know. Queen Bee girl can likely fix all of this as quickly as she wrecked it- if she wants to. I despise this whole dynamic but it is what it is.

But is that what is even wanted at this point? This group of girls sounds absolutely horrid.

Perhaps a school change would be best

[Anonymous]

Sounds middle schoolish. Kids mature at different rates and times and it is not easy.

It is a good time to focus on one or two things that are outside of school that she likes and can do well in, and something physical.

You said she does a sport, but at what level? Either increase the level/intensity with some private coaching or add something. I highly recommend swimming (unless that is the current sport) or some fitness/weight training.

I also suggest signing up for something new. Not a long term commitment but just a few weeks to learn something and have fun. An art class or learn to play pool or poker or something else in the geographic area that is mostly for fun. Girls who can play a decent game of pool, or can bowl, or …. are always impressive.