When to intervene- Mean Girl Bullying

[Anonymous]

Also, she has thrown parties in our apartment while we’ve been out in the city. There’s really no where for the kids to go in the city so we allowed it with restrictions. I think that will end too. Maybe it might be time for a move out if the city into the suburbs and a public school. Again thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone for the crowd sourcing. There were a lot of great ideas here and I am going to use many of them. Many angles I had not even considered. Also this situation is clearly not unique and sounds like it happens everywhere. So that is a reality bomb She said she wants to change schools. Which seems to be in line with the advice here. We’ll let her think about it over break. It is competitive here in NYC so we are going to start looking now for hopeful January but def next year.

So how are you going to help your child between now and June?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone for the crowd sourcing. There were a lot of great ideas here and I am going to use many of them. Many angles I had not even considered. Also this situation is clearly not unique and sounds like it happens everywhere. So that is a reality bomb She said she wants to change schools. Which seems to be in line with the advice here. We’ll let her think about it over break. It is competitive here in NYC so we are going to start looking now for hopeful January but def next year.

So how are you going to help your child between now and June?

Honestly, I am going to take the therapy advice from the PP. I think it is a good idea that I had not even considered. Because thinking about it among these posts even when she switches schools, this problem could happen again. It is clearly not unique. This happens everywhere. I realize now she has to have better skills at dealing. But I agree with the assessment here that nothing is going to change where she is so we’ll switch schools or move and switch schools with therapy. Don’t want her to end up like me, scarred by high school mean girls. Not worth it. This forum has been so helpful with ideas and processing.

[Anonymous]

Consider publics, OP, especially if you can enroll her in her boyfriend's school. Clean fresh start for January 2024.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Consider publics, OP, especially if you can enroll her in her boyfriend's school. Clean fresh start for January 2024.

Thanks. Unfortunately the boyfriend doesn’t go to the school we are zoned for. NYC zoning is weird and complicated. So they wouldn’t go to school together. If she does public, we really have to move. Her class has 45 kids in it. But she might need a bigger school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Consider publics, OP, especially if you can enroll her in her boyfriend's school. Clean fresh start for January 2024.

Thanks. Unfortunately the boyfriend doesn’t go to the school we are zoned for. NYC zoning is weird and complicated. So they wouldn’t go to school together. If she does public, we really have to move. Her class has 45 kids in it. But she might need a bigger school.

Small is sometimes too small.

[Anonymous]

NP here. Agree with OP not to follow boyfriend. Agree with therapy. The wounds from bullying stay with you into adulthood, it sounds like you know that. Agree with teacher, find other friends at school. Ignore these girls. Spend time w outside friends. This will eventually pass. Switching schools always an option but queen bee elsewhere could also sense any weakness, sorry to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even in a smallish private, there are lots of girls who aren’t part of this group. Your daughter could spend time getting to know them.

I’m a teacher and when I have seen this happen, there are usually plenty of perfectly lovely kids who would be happy to be nice to the newly excluded kid. The issue is usually that SHE (or he, my school is coed) isn’t interested in friends who aren’t in the top social tier. Hopefully that’s not your child.

Twice, I’ve been pleased to see an excluded cool kid develop a really nice friendship with a student outside of the clique, only for said cool kid to drop the new friend like a hot potato when the social tables turned and the excluded kid was welcomed back. That was disappointing.

Yup. This. OP's daughter wants to stay part of the cool girl crowd so she keeps engaging.

So what? She's a teenager so it's not unheard of for them to make poor decisions and/or want to be included. I agree that it's not ideal and this is where the parents come in and counsel (and tell them they're disappointed when they make decisions like dropping the new friend). I get some kids will do what they want but, in general, it seems like people are not talking to their kids. Or maybe they don't care as long as their kids are the ones included.

[Anonymous]

“Going to more drunken teen parties,” is definitely not the answer here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even in a smallish private, there are lots of girls who aren’t part of this group. Your daughter could spend time getting to know them.

I’m a teacher and when I have seen this happen, there are usually plenty of perfectly lovely kids who would be happy to be nice to the newly excluded kid. The issue is usually that SHE (or he, my school is coed) isn’t interested in friends who aren’t in the top social tier. Hopefully that’s not your child.

Twice, I’ve been pleased to see an excluded cool kid develop a really nice friendship with a student outside of the clique, only for said cool kid to drop the new friend like a hot potato when the social tables turned and the excluded kid was welcomed back. That was disappointing.

Eh. Many of these "perfectly lovely kids" exclude kids below their own social tier. And they'd happily drop their whole posse if the cool crowd came knocking. People arevas lovely as their options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even in a smallish private, there are lots of girls who aren’t part of this group. Your daughter could spend time getting to know them.

I’m a teacher and when I have seen this happen, there are usually plenty of perfectly lovely kids who would be happy to be nice to the newly excluded kid. The issue is usually that SHE (or he, my school is coed) isn’t interested in friends who aren’t in the top social tier. Hopefully that’s not your child.

Twice, I’ve been pleased to see an excluded cool kid develop a really nice friendship with a student outside of the clique, only for said cool kid to drop the new friend like a hot potato when the social tables turned and the excluded kid was welcomed back. That was disappointing.

Eh. Many of these "perfectly lovely kids" exclude kids below their own social tier. And they'd happily drop their whole posse if the cool crowd came knocking. People arevas lovely as their options.

And many wouldn’t because they have a loyal group of friends they have much in common and have great times when they’re together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to find other friends. What extra curriculars does she do outside of school? She needs to make friends through those and focus on those friends.

OP again. Agree unfortunately doesn’t resolve the problem. She already does that, has other good friends that she hangs out with outside school from sports, prior schools attended. She is well known amongst kids at various area schools. Because she is so nice, she has a good rep and well liked. This is a school friend group specific problem of mean bullying queen bees within a smallish private girls school with very few internal options.

If you won’t make any changes you are stuck. You can’t force these girls to like your daughter.

[Anonymous]

OP, please tell me you have reported the bullying in an official way at her school. Please document everything meticulously. I would not let these girls get away with it. They have seriously crossed the line. Any mean texts or apologies need to be saved and reported.

[Anonymous]

She needs a bigger school with more potential social groups OP. This is one of the problems with private school, I know because I was a private school lifer. The smaller the school, usually the worse the teenage social issues.

[Anonymous]

And, if your dd is known, social and popular among others in the greater private school community, that makes her even more of a potential target for mean girls in a small environment. She really needs to switch schools to one where she already has friends, or a *significantly* larger school, not necessarily private.