How to navigate sleeping arrangements for holidays

[Anonymous]

Totally team DD here! Your husband is being a total AH.

He wants to have his cake (controlling his adult child) and eat it too (still have them around 100% time). He cannot and should not treat adults like that. I'm very proud of your daughter honestly, it sounds like a tough decision with a trigger-hair angry dad, and must have taken a lot of guts to stand up to him.

If he is so unhappy with their decision, he is welcome to update his position and welcome his daughter AND her partner of 1 year with open, welcoming arms.

[Anonymous]

I would think your DD and her boyfriend are totally fine with less visiting time, and that's the unspoken reality here.

Your DH sounds extremely controlling. He gets to say no sharing a room, and she gets to say she'll choose a hotel. He needs to stop pounding the podium and acting like Mr. Head of the Household You Are Under MAH AHTHORITAY Focus on the Family controlling man. She's an adult and she's going to stay an adult. He can choose a respectful relationship, or he can try to control her and he will eventually lose that battle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible for you to talk to your DD and BF and request that it's important for you to have them at home and you would appreciate it if they won't let father's hung ups (due to his conservative upbringing or religious views) ruin a good time for you and her siblings.

You think they should guilt DD into staying with them?

Is that really a healthy parenting mindset to you? Wtf

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible for you to talk to your DD and BF and request that it's important for you to have them at home and you would appreciate it if they won't let father's hung ups (due to his conservative upbringing or religious views) ruin a good time for you and her siblings.

You think they should guilt DD into staying with them?

Is that really a healthy parenting mindset to you? Wtf

Maybe you should have a talk with your DH and request that it's important for you to have them at home and you would appreciate it if he wouldn't let his own hang-ups ruin a good time. Since he's the one with the hang-ups.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible for you to talk to your DD and BF and request that it's important for you to have them at home and you would appreciate it if they won't let father's hung ups (due to his conservative upbringing or religious views) ruin a good time for you and her siblings.

You think they should guilt DD into staying with them?

Is that really a healthy parenting mindset to you? Wtf

Maybe you should have a talk with your DH and request that it's important for you to have them at home and you would appreciate it if he wouldn't let his own hang-ups ruin a good time. Since he's the one with the hang-ups.

Agreed

[Anonymous]

How has no one posted this yet? OP, you and your husband need to watch this. So good. 😂

[Anonymous]

Does your husband understand the boyfriend is raw-dogging his daughter on the regular elsewhere? They aren’t going to do it in a bedroom with family around. Too noisy. All he is doing is calling more attention to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If dad is a bit of an AH then it will be a pleasant break for them to go back to the hotel at night, sleep in in the morning and then spend a bit less time with him at your house. That's a win win for dad and the happy couple.

Keep in mind that when visiting parents after having lived apart it's highly likely that adult child does not really want to maximize time at parent's home. They need their own adulting private time. Also 25 min is not that far away, NBD.

100% this--was my first thought. They will be more comfortable. Even if they were sharing a room, a first (?) multiday visit to the SO's parents can be stressful, and having a little space will be great.

[Anonymous]

Your house, your rules. Both sets of our parents had this rule. Until you're married you don't get to share a room. Our parents did have guest rooms though. Our parents aren't conservative and are very moderate

DH and I completely understood and wouldn't have even asked.

I'm a millennial fwiw.

[Anonymous]

In my house, we would allow them to sleep in the same room. I want my kids to visit and I want them to want to visit and I want to make it enjoyable for them. If your 20 something kid has a boyfriend of one year, they feel comfortable sharing a room and your policy is just going to make them get a hotel or not come - as they have demonstrated.

I get your "morals" are different so that's fine - you can stick to your morals, but then the adult children will do as they prefer. I'd rather have my family together.

--mom of kids 22 and 18 and I let both of their long-term partners stay at my house over the holidays. I know many folks wouldn't but I also know those people's kids are not spending that much time at home. My home, my values.

[Anonymous]

OP, I suggest you zoom out a bit. This is not just about sleeping arrangements for a few nights. Your DH is mistaken to think it's about that. Of course she can go a few nights without sleeping next to her boyfriend. But that's not what this is about.

What your DD is doing is drawing some lines. She's out of college, she has a job and a place to live and an adult partner, and it's not a coincidence that she's now choosing to emphasize that she's an adult and she's going to make her own choices. Logistical choices, personal choices, MORAL choices. Because she is an adult. If she's been catering to a controlling, conservative father all her life-- and you've been enabling him-- then this change has been a long time coming. She's going to go on and make other choices-- where to live and work, who to marry, whether to be religious, whether to have children, how to raise those children-- all of life's biggest decisions! And she's going to make them on her own, outside the control of her father.

He can stamp his feet and shout "My roof, my roof!" but that's only going to get him less time with his daughter. Or he can accept that she's an adult who makes choices (just like he's an adult who makes choices), and it's going to stay that way so he better start accepting it politely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my house, we would allow them to sleep in the same room. I want my kids to visit and I want them to want to visit and I want to make it enjoyable for them. If your 20 something kid has a boyfriend of one year, they feel comfortable sharing a room and your policy is just going to make them get a hotel or not come - as they have demonstrated.

I get your "morals" are different so that's fine - you can stick to your morals, but then the adult children will do as they prefer. I'd rather have my family together.

--mom of kids 22 and 18 and I let both of their long-term partners stay at my house over the holidays. I know many folks wouldn't but I also know those people's kids are not spending that much time at home. My home, my values.

This is the crux of OPs DH issue. He wants to be able to control an adult and isn't happy that she's setting some boundaries.

[Anonymous]

OP, you asked how to handle this which sounds like you’re trying to navigate your husband being pissed off that dd made a choice he didn’t think she’d make.

It’s not on you to make everyone happy or to manage his feelings. You can call out your dh for being pissy. He doesn’t get to punish everyone because he couldn’t control his adult daughter: “Bob, you don’t get to punish Larla or the rest of us because she chose a different way to respect the rules you laid out for sleeping arrangements. She’s not doing it to punish us just like you didn’t impose the sleeping rule to punish her. Get it together and be happy that she’s home. And if you can’t do that, fake it.” 😬

You’ll have a perfectly fine time with your dd and the boyfriend. Driving 25 min each way is not that big of a deal. She’s making the transition into adulthood, and it’s hard on everyone. But you’ll all get through to the other side.

[Anonymous]

I would tell your DH it's not a "waste" of time and money if it gets them a break from his controlling attitude and difficulty coping. It sounds well worth it to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trying to navigate this and feeling caught in the middle.

My husband has always been on the conservative side. Our eldest daughter is 23 and living in NYC since after she graduated college. She has a good job and supports herself. She’s coming home for Christmas with her boyfriend, who is 25. They’ve been dating a year but this is his first time here since we’ve always visited them.

My husband said he had to sleep in the den, which has a pullout couch and glass doors, since my husband doesn’t feel comfortable with them sleeping in her room. I let my daughter know that and she balked. She then let me know that they’re just going to stay in a hotel. But the only one with affordable availability is 25 minutes away, each way, which means they will be here significantly less. My husband got angry about it and said she’ll barely be around and it feels disrespectful to him that they can’t go without sleeping in the same room to the point they’d waste visiting time and money on a hotel room. My daughter isn’t budging. How would you handle this?

Where did they stay when you visited? Did they stay together? Sleeping in the same bed? In their own place?
I don't get the indignation that "no daughter of mine will stay in a room with her unmarried bf!" if theyve clearly already been doing this. I 100% get your house, your rules, but would he say the same thing about your 45 y/o sister coming with her bf? Or what about sons? I agree with a pp who said this is largely a mysognistic view and would be different with male adult children.