How to navigate sleeping arrangements for holidays

[Anonymous]

I think spending a little money on this is her way to make the point. She has a job and a partner now. She doesn't have to let herself be financially pressured and controlled.

If she doesn't make much money, OP, then understand that it's really worth a lot to her to draw this line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trying to navigate this and feeling caught in the middle.

My husband has always been on the conservative side. Our eldest daughter is 23 and living in NYC since after she graduated college. She has a good job and supports herself. She’s coming home for Christmas with her boyfriend, who is 25. They’ve been dating a year but this is his first time here since we’ve always visited them.

My husband said he had to sleep in the den, which has a pullout couch and glass doors, since my husband doesn’t feel comfortable with them sleeping in her room. I let my daughter know that and she balked. She then let me know that they’re just going to stay in a hotel. But the only one with affordable availability is 25 minutes away, each way, which means they will be here significantly less. My husband got angry about it and said she’ll barely be around and it feels disrespectful to him that they can’t go without sleeping in the same room to the point they’d waste visiting time and money on a hotel room. My daughter isn’t budging. How would you handle this?

So he's trying to control where they sleep, and also their time and money. No thanks.

If people are willing to spend so much time and money to avoid staying at your house perhaps it's good to wonder why!

[Anonymous]

Is your husband always so quick to anger when he cant control people? When he doesnt get his way?

Good point from pp, NYC is expensive to live and if she supports herself this could be quite a stretch on her budget. She is making a point, and if Dad is going to keep being verbally and emotionally abusive to them, hes not going to like the amount he sees her in the future...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trying to navigate this and feeling caught in the middle.

My husband has always been on the conservative side. Our eldest daughter is 23 and living in NYC since after she graduated college. She has a good job and supports herself. She’s coming home for Christmas with her boyfriend, who is 25. They’ve been dating a year but this is his first time here since we’ve always visited them.

My husband said he had to sleep in the den, which has a pullout couch and glass doors, since my husband doesn’t feel comfortable with them sleeping in her room. I let my daughter know that and she balked. She then let me know that they’re just going to stay in a hotel. But the only one with affordable availability is 25 minutes away, each way, which means they will be here significantly less. My husband got angry about it and said she’ll barely be around and it feels disrespectful to him that they can’t go without sleeping in the same room to the point they’d waste visiting time and money on a hotel room. My daughter isn’t budging. How would you handle this?

Do you actually have an opinion of your own, or do you just want to minimize conflict?

I would do what you think is in the long-term best interest of your family, and I suggest that means helping your DH cope with the fact that his DD is an adult and will make his own choices. You can pressure her to give in this year, but she won't do that forever.

[Anonymous]

I get where your DH is coming from since 23 as it relates to other siblings. Frankly, now that it has been stated, I think it's going to be uncomfortable no matter what the outcome.

I would say DH was right (though only due to the younger kids) IF you had a separate room for the BF. But it would be a hard no for me to stay in a den with glass doors and a pull out couch.

No good solution here, especially since you really are setting up your daughter and her family staying in a hotel from now on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible for you to talk to your DD and BF and request that it's important for you to have them at home and you would appreciate it if they won't let father's hung ups (due to his conservative upbringing or religious views) ruin a good time for you and her siblings.

You think they should guilt DD into staying with them?

Is that really a healthy parenting mindset to you? Wtf

Its not but from her post it seems daughter is more mature than father so it made more sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible for you to talk to your DD and BF and request that it's important for you to have them at home and you would appreciate it if they won't let father's hung ups (due to his conservative upbringing or religious views) ruin a good time for you and her siblings.

You think they should guilt DD into staying with them?

Is that really a healthy parenting mindset to you? Wtf

Maybe you should have a talk with your DH and request that it's important for you to have them at home and you would appreciate it if he wouldn't let his own hang-ups ruin a good time. Since he's the one with the hang-ups.

Makes sense but probably she already did and feels stuck between father and daughter.

[Anonymous]

Personally, its not a big deal for either party. I don't understand this power struggle between father and daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible for you to talk to your DD and BF and request that it's important for you to have them at home and you would appreciate it if they won't let father's hung ups (due to his conservative upbringing or religious views) ruin a good time for you and her siblings.

You think they should guilt DD into staying with them?

Is that really a healthy parenting mindset to you? Wtf

Maybe you should have a talk with your DH and request that it's important for you to have them at home and you would appreciate it if he wouldn't let his own hang-ups ruin a good time. Since he's the one with the hang-ups.

Makes sense but probably she already did and feels stuck between father and daughter.

Mmaybe OP should stop being a people-pleaser and stand up for what she actually thinks is best. I get the feeling she's been enabling Mr. Controlling for a very long time.

[Anonymous]

OP, if your only guest spaces are your DD's room and the den, and you have more children, then having people stay in hotels is your future. Your DD will marry and have kids, then another of your children will marry and have kids, and where will they all sleep? Hotel is the answer. Accept it now, don't fight it. It's okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's a brat. Your house, your rules.

Um . . . no. OP's husband is free to make the rules in his house (with OP's 50/50 input, but that's another issue). And his daughter, who is a grown, self-supporting adult, is free to decide whether they work for her or not. She has decided they don't.

What Op's husband is not free to do is to make the rules for is house, and then decide how others deal with those rules. He is the one acting like a brat here. He's also trying to control how his adult daughter lives her life (she must stay in his house or he gets angry, but if she does she has to sleep separately from her SO).

He set the terms for this interaction, she is complying with those terms, and he's angry about the consequences.

[Anonymous]

I understand your DH's rule, due especially to younger siblings, and I think your daughter has every right to do what she plans to do but I still think she is being a brat. It's only a few days and for the sake of family harmony and facilitating a good relationship between her SO and her parents, I think she should be more flexible. FWIW, I have been in almost the exact situation with my daughters and they always respected our house rules (even if they didn't like them).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand your DH's rule, due especially to younger siblings, and I think your daughter has every right to do what she plans to do but I still think she is being a brat. It's only a few days and for the sake of family harmony and facilitating a good relationship between her SO and her parents, I think she should be more flexible. FWIW, I have been in almost the exact situation with my daughters and they always respected our house rules (even if they didn't like them).

Is it facilitating a good relationship, though? Perhaps the DD thinks her boyfriend will like the dad better if they spend less time together. Sometimes everyone having more space and a good night's sleep helps with family harmony. And if the dad is going to take adulthood personally and be so controlling, maybe less is more.

The DD is being flexible by getting a hotel. It's the dad who is being inflexible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand your DH's rule, due especially to younger siblings, and I think your daughter has every right to do what she plans to do but I still think she is being a brat. It's only a few days and for the sake of family harmony and facilitating a good relationship between her SO and her parents, I think she should be more flexible. FWIW, I have been in almost the exact situation with my daughters and they always respected our house rules (even if they didn't like them).

Only if "family harmony" means everyone obeys Mr. Controlling so that his feelings don't get hurt.

[Anonymous]

She's 23 and has a boyfriend she willingly wants to bring home for the holidays? JFC, welcome him with open arms and let them share a room! Does he think she is virginal, and doesn't sleep with bf in NYC? He's delusional. Does he think my house my rules? He's controlling. She's 23, and this is not a hill to die on.

FWIW, I would not allow this for a college student, where I was still paying their way. She is an adult!