How to navigate sleeping arrangements for holidays

[Anonymous]

If there are younger children in the house, that is a reason to keep the boyfriend in daughter’s room. To protect younger kids from possible abuse.

Do not allow for a scenario where a male is wandering house during night with access to vulnerable kids.

It isn’t paranoid. You need to protect your kids.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter and her bf are being disrespectful. Dad is correct. But, you have the kid that you raised.
IMHO, it's ok if she skips the holidays altogether. This is a family occasion and the bf is not her family. She is prioritizing him over her family. And that is completely wrong. Why? Well, if she is thinking that the relationship is serious then she would do everything in her power to make sure that her family accepts this bf. And she is not doing that. Now, if this is a casual fuxbuddy then she is disrespecting her family by flaunting it in their face.

She can be in the hotel if she wants but it does not mitigate the disrespect. If she cannot understand this then there is nothing more to say. You should send her a BOB for Christmas present and ask her to not show up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter and her bf are being disrespectful. Dad is correct. But, you have the kid that you raised.
IMHO, it's ok if she skips the holidays altogether. This is a family occasion and the bf is not her family. She is prioritizing him over her family. And that is completely wrong. Why? Well, if she is thinking that the relationship is serious then she would do everything in her power to make sure that her family accepts this bf. And she is not doing that. Now, if this is a casual fuxbuddy then she is disrespecting her family by flaunting it in their face.

She can be in the hotel if she wants but it does not mitigate the disrespect. If she cannot understand this then there is nothing more to say. You should send her a BOB for Christmas present and ask her to not show up.

It’s not “disrespectful” to decline a conditional invitation. OP and her controlling husband have no authority to command their daughter’s presence for the holidays. All they can do is invite. They invited daughter and boyfriend to stay at the house under the conditions as stated. They DECLINED the invitation. If OP and her husband no longer want daughter/boyfriend to come over for meals or gift opening because they are choosing to stay in the hotel, it would be their choice to rescind the invitation to celebrate the holidays together.

Good for daughter. She said no thank you and is doing as she pleases. If OP and husband don’t like that, they don’t have to have daughter/boyfriend over for meals or to hang out during the days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was that person. My husband and I started dating at 19. A few years of my husband on the couch, when we could afford it (we were in our mid-20s) we said, fine we’ll stay in a hotel if you’ll keep to the rule. No drama, just a fact. We got married after being together for almost 10 years, so seriously. We had been living together since we were 20 as well.

Not sure what is so magic about being 30.

Trashy that you lived with a guy at 20.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If there are younger children in the house, that is a reason to keep the boyfriend in daughter’s room. To protect younger kids from possible abuse.

Do not allow for a scenario where a male is wandering house during night with access to vulnerable kids.

It isn’t paranoid. You need to protect your kids.

This f**king nuts. You think your daughter would be serious with someone that would abuse kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter has zero respect for her family. As your eldest she could at least attempt to set a decent example for younger siblings.

Agreed.

God what a horrible example she is. Living in NYC with a job, long term relationship.

I

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's a brat. Your house, your rules.

How is she a brat? She is following the rules. The boyfriend will not be sleeping with the daughter while staying at the parents’ house. On the contrary, the daughter is being quite responsible and respectful.

+1

She's "following the rules". You set them, she is following, you just don't like her solution. She's an adult. She gets to pick what to do.

Oh, and you are setting yourself up for less visits from them, as it is obviously inconvenient and costly to stay at the hotel. In the future, if they remain together, you might see them doing something similar with kids, or simply not visiting at all because it's a pain.

[Anonymous]

OP, any update? What happened?

[Anonymous]

Team husband.

She wants to stay in the same room with her boyfriend, she can turn him into your son-in-law.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trying to navigate this and feeling caught in the middle.

My husband has always been on the conservative side. Our eldest daughter is 23 and living in NYC since after she graduated college. She has a good job and supports herself. She’s coming home for Christmas with her boyfriend, who is 25. They’ve been dating a year but this is his first time here since we’ve always visited them.

My husband said he had to sleep in the den, which has a pullout couch and glass doors, since my husband doesn’t feel comfortable with them sleeping in her room. I let my daughter know that and she balked. She then let me know that they’re just going to stay in a hotel. But the only one with affordable availability is 25 minutes away, each way, which means they will be here significantly less. My husband got angry about it and said she’ll barely be around and it feels disrespectful to him that they can’t go without sleeping in the same room to the point they’d waste visiting time and money on a hotel room. My daughter isn’t budging. How would you handle this?

Your DD is an adult. DH threw down his ultimatum and she called his bluff. So did not quite work out as he expected and now he’s angry. Tough sh—.

Your DH shld have said nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter and her bf are being disrespectful. Dad is correct. But, you have the kid that you raised.
IMHO, it's ok if she skips the holidays altogether. This is a family occasion and the bf is not her family. She is prioritizing him over her family. And that is completely wrong. Why? Well, if she is thinking that the relationship is serious then she would do everything in her power to make sure that her family accepts this bf. And she is not doing that. Now, if this is a casual fuxbuddy then she is disrespecting her family by flaunting it in their face.

She can be in the hotel if she wants but it does not mitigate the disrespect. If she cannot understand this then there is nothing more to say. You should send her a BOB for Christmas present and ask her to not show up.

There is nothing disrespectful about an adult deciding where they will stay while on a visit. Dad tried to be controlling and it backfired. He should reassess going forward unless he does t care about seeing his DD less. Because that is exactly what will happen.

[Anonymous]

Hilarious, all these people posting “respect mah authoritay.” This is a good way to see your children less and less as they are increasingly independent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was that person. My husband and I started dating at 19. A few years of my husband on the couch, when we could afford it (we were in our mid-20s) we said, fine we’ll stay in a hotel if you’ll keep to the rule. No drama, just a fact. We got married after being together for almost 10 years, so seriously. We had been living together since we were 20 as well.

Not sure what is so magic about being 30.

Trashy that you lived with a guy at 20.

Yup much classier to have hookups with randos at hotel rooms, in cars, in bathrooms, dorms or friend's apartment without letting parents know. Why have a serious relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trying to navigate this and feeling caught in the middle.

My husband has always been on the conservative side. Our eldest daughter is 23 and living in NYC since after she graduated college. She has a good job and supports herself. She’s coming home for Christmas with her boyfriend, who is 25. They’ve been dating a year but this is his first time here since we’ve always visited them.

My husband said he had to sleep in the den, which has a pullout couch and glass doors, since my husband doesn’t feel comfortable with them sleeping in her room. I let my daughter know that and she balked. She then let me know that they’re just going to stay in a hotel. But the only one with affordable availability is 25 minutes away, each way, which means they will be here significantly less. My husband got angry about it and said she’ll barely be around and it feels disrespectful to him that they can’t go without sleeping in the same room to the point they’d waste visiting time and money on a hotel room. My daughter isn’t budging. How would you handle this?

She is 23 not 16. Treat her as an adult. Don't infantilize her. If she prefers hotel over the set up you are offering, you should have no issues.

[Anonymous]

I’m so shocked by these comments. I would have never dared ask to sleep in the same room with a man in my father’s house before marriage.