MIL came temporarily but isn't making plans to leave

[Anonymous]

It is important to understand that this type of person is very arrogant and delusional because they truly believe they are doing you a favor by living there. Like of course because they sweep a floor once a week, they get to live in your home without even asking. Therefore, you have to be tough and strong.

This is my advice:
1. Tell your husband: I don’t want to live with your mother. You can talk to her about when she will be leaving or i will. Keep repeating as necessary. You will feel uncomfortable. Feel that emotion but continue repeating the sentences. Practice self care afterwards.

2. Remove all items she has put up on the walls and on the counter. Say the following: I need a clutter free home to feel at peace. Thank you for understanding.

3. Be unpleasant. This will be out of your comfort zone but this is how this has to be. This is a serious situation and should be treated as such.

4. If there are any yelling or fits, say, “I need a peaceful household for my health and well being. Your visit needs to come to an end.” Walk away and care for yourself.

For your husband, it might be helpful to phrase it like this, “We would never just move in with (name of your child). Right? Families need their own space.”

You are asking internet strangers if you are a jerk? Did you just move into someone house and redecorate it? There is only one jerk in this story.

Good luck and be strong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP's DH has definitely told his mother that she can stay as long as she wants and has not told OP for sure.

I was just thinking this! Like seriously OP it’s possible DH and his mom have already discussed her moving in with you and he was planning on just letting it slowly happen instead of telling you and getting what’s coming to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is important to understand that this type of person is very arrogant and delusional because they truly believe they are doing you a favor by living there. Like of course because they sweep a floor once a week, they get to live in your home without even asking. Therefore, you have to be tough and strong.

This is my advice:
1. Tell your husband: I don’t want to live with your mother. You can talk to her about when she will be leaving or i will. Keep repeating as necessary. You will feel uncomfortable. Feel that emotion but continue repeating the sentences. Practice self care afterwards.

2. Remove all items she has put up on the walls and on the counter. Say the following: I need a clutter free home to feel at peace. Thank you for understanding.

3. Be unpleasant. This will be out of your comfort zone but this is how this has to be. This is a serious situation and should be treated as such.

4. If there are any yelling or fits, say, “I need a peaceful household for my health and well being. Your visit needs to come to an end.” Walk away and care for yourself.

For your husband, it might be helpful to phrase it like this, “We would never just move in with (name of your child). Right? Families need their own space.”

You are asking internet strangers if you are a jerk? Did you just move into someone house and redecorate it? There is only one jerk in this story.

Good luck and be strong.

This is really true. I had a mentally ill sister, now deceased, who managed to do this at two different family members' houses. One had to finally get a restraining order. They do think they're helping, they're completely delusional and in both cases took over the space as you are talking about. She either didn't, or pretended, to not understand the objections.

The problem is, they don't want to go and have no plans to. This was her retirement plan.

She had to be financially supported by family members in a separate apartment that someone had to help her lease and arrange her move. She had had some years of being homeless and so we did this instead. You should take this very seriously as she probably does not plan to leave.

[Anonymous]

Can you subtly trigger her screaming and then look her in the eye and tell her you will not be spoken to like this in your home and she needs to leave, immediately? And then “back down” and say you’ll let her stay through the holidays or whatever but after that she’s out.

What kind of message are you sending to your kid to allow someone to do this to you, in your own home, in front of them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a husband problem. Tell him that she either leaves in a month or you do. This is untenable to me.

I cannot even imagine what I would do if my husband tell me I should be grateful to have my MIL living with us. And I actually love my MIL and she would not be nearly as obnoxious as yours is.

Years ago my neighbor moved his mom in. About a month after his wife moved out. Shortly thereafter mom was gone and wife was back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you guys celebrate Christmas? I would either box her stuff up when you roll out the Christmas decorations, or if it’s too late for that now, I’d box them up afterwards for a fresh start with the new year. I’d tell my husband either she’s leaving in January or I am.

It’s a rare case where you can have two women in one house. This is clearly not working.

OP here, this is maybe one thing that has me more angry than anything - I can't put up any decorations or even the tree because her sh*t is everywhere. I would love to box her stuff up and then put it out with a curb alert, but I am actually terrified of her. She has a terrible temper, and we all walk on eggshells around her. DH is also scared of her, which is why he allows this to go on. I am a very conflict-avoidant person, as having someone shout at me makes me literally shake and feel sick, and I just cannot stand up to her. I know it sounds like I'm a doormat - maybe I am - but I have been made to feel for so many years like I am the problem, and I just need to be friendlier and a better host.

Yes, she is from another culture. (Please don't everyone try to guess, it's not that common and you won't get it.) I am not from that culture, but it's hard to stand up to this stuff when every other person in the family sees me as the problem. And it is a really really big family. I don't want to leave my husband. We have been married 25 years and have a tween, and he's otherwise a great husband, plus financially it's not feasible for me. The fact that he is also unable to stand up to her, and that this puts him in such a bad situation and makes him unhappy, makes me want to be the bigger person and just put up with it for his sake, but there is a limit, and I feel like the limit is not that far away. For the record, this is not the first time she's done this, which is why I suspect it could go on for several more months at least (even though DH keeps assuring me it won't, based on no evidence I can see), which is why I am so anxious.

Posters are not telling you to divorce. They are saying you need to be willing to leave temporarily to show DH you mean business and that he really needs to choose you over his mother.

Sympathize with DH that it is hard to stand up to his mother but make sure he knows exactly what kind of toll this is taking on you and the family.

When MIL goes to visit friends again, have DH give her names of hotels and real estate agents and let her know that while he’s enjoyed having time with her, it’s time for her to find her own place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP's DH has definitely told his mother that she can stay as long as she wants and has not told OP for sure.

I'm OP - this is correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's DH has definitely told his mother that she can stay as long as she wants and has not told OP for sure.

I'm OP - this is correct.

Then you need to get serious. If she really has no plans, she is staying. They just haven’t said it in so many words. No wonder she’s buying throw rugs and hanging pictures—shes’s nesting in her new home.

[Anonymous]

Rent an extended stay apartment starting Jan 1. Tell your DH that either his mother goes there or you will.

And box up all of her crap pronto. You’ve generously given her enough time hoping that she’s moving somewhere but since it’s clear that she’s here for Xmas, you’re decorating your house for Xmas how you like and her stuff is in the way.

[Anonymous]

What did I just read? You have a person who you are scared of living in the same house as your child? Who allows this? Mom up OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's DH has definitely told his mother that she can stay as long as she wants and has not told OP for sure.

I'm OP - this is correct.

Then you’d better be making plans to move out. This woman isn’t going anywhere. She won.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you guys celebrate Christmas? I would either box her stuff up when you roll out the Christmas decorations, or if it’s too late for that now, I’d box them up afterwards for a fresh start with the new year. I’d tell my husband either she’s leaving in January or I am.

It’s a rare case where you can have two women in one house. This is clearly not working.

OP here, this is maybe one thing that has me more angry than anything - I can't put up any decorations or even the tree because her sh*t is everywhere. I would love to box her stuff up and then put it out with a curb alert, but I am actually terrified of her. She has a terrible temper, and we all walk on eggshells around her. DH is also scared of her, which is why he allows this to go on. I am a very conflict-avoidant person, as having someone shout at me makes me literally shake and feel sick, and I just cannot stand up to her. I know it sounds like I'm a doormat - maybe I am - but I have been made to feel for so many years like I am the problem, and I just need to be friendlier and a better host.

Yes, she is from another culture. (Please don't everyone try to guess, it's not that common and you won't get it.) I am not from that culture, but it's hard to stand up to this stuff when every other person in the family sees me as the problem. And it is a really really big family. I don't want to leave my husband. We have been married 25 years and have a tween, and he's otherwise a great husband, plus financially it's not feasible for me. The fact that he is also unable to stand up to her, and that this puts him in such a bad situation and makes him unhappy, makes me want to be the bigger person and just put up with it for his sake, but there is a limit, and I feel like the limit is not that far away. For the record, this is not the first time she's done this, which is why I suspect it could go on for several more months at least (even though DH keeps assuring me it won't, based on no evidence I can see), which is why I am so anxious.

This is not just a husband problem, this is also a you problem. People like your MIL take advantage of people they can. She knows you’re both afraid of her and conflict avoidant so she wins. The only way you’ll win is if you grow a backbone and set clear boundaries. If you can’t do this, book a therapist for you and your husband who can help you learn how to set boundaries. However, know this could be a much longer process than just working up the nerve to move out (temporarily) or box up her things and give her a deadline to do so. Good luck. You CAN do this and you’ll be better off for it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's DH has definitely told his mother that she can stay as long as she wants and has not told OP for sure.

I'm OP - this is correct.

Is this the way you want to live your life?

You could suddenly have a crisis, start screaming and throwing out all her things outside. If you can't work yourself up to that, then have a discussion with your husband that his mother is not allowed to live here indefinitely, and that you own this house (jointly with husband), not her, and that you will move out, and possibly divorce, if that's the way it's going to be. Then you tell MIL that she's overstepped, that she and son cannot walk all over you like this, and she has to move out. That YOUR needs as the wife are more important than hers, and you will defend them. That she's been rude to you since day 1, and now she's crossed the line and you don't ever want to see her ever again in YOUR house. Give her a week to move out.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a nightmare. You and DH need to pin down an exit date for her move. There is no reason you should live your life in limbo because of entitled people. She goes not respect you as her needs come first. Keep pushing for a definite exit date!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like a nightmare. You and DH need to pin down an exit date for her move. There is no reason you should live your life in limbo because of entitled people. She goes not respect you as her needs come first. Keep pushing for a definite exit date!

DH and his mother are in cahoots.