MIL came temporarily but isn't making plans to leave

[Anonymous]

I can imagine my MIL visiting for months, but she wouldn’t. I cannot imagine my MIL finding a hammer and a picture hanger and hanging framed art on my walls. It’s such an obscene stretch of the imagination- even people who move into their own places often take months to bother to hang stuff.

So my take is she’s not going anywhere and in her head has decided that your house is her new home base. Sure, she might leave for another trip or something, but I assure you she has zero plans to find her own place.

[Anonymous]

I find it hard to believe that she dragged in and set up area rugs solo, unless they are tiny that’s a two person job. Same with hanging art. Is your DH helping with this decor installation?

Agree that this is a husband problem but if he absolutely won’t talk to her and get a firm date, just say that your best friend from childhood is planning a visit with her kids and you need to know if she’ll be out by end of the month or leaving in January. (Give two close by options).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. How long have you been married and what culture is your husband from?

This is a husband problem, not a MIL problem.

I would go get a couple of big plastic bins and start putting all of her home decor crap in them.

Boom. You two aren't communicating. Also, he doesn't care what you think.

[Anonymous]

It is a husband problem and I think you need to give him a firm date to communicate to his mother. I'd be a little bit more generous than some others have suggested - maybe March 31? In case she does by a house, it could take a while and at least you'd have your date on the calendar.

[Anonymous]

Is your husband from a culture where this is common?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I being a jerk about this? MIL came to stay "temporarily" between living arrangements, but she doesn't have any firm plans to leave and doesn't seem to be making any plans to do so. She spent a year traveling around Europe and then arrived back a few weeks ago. She has been visiting friends and has taken a few trips out of town, but all her things are still in storage and she hasn't even mentioned finding a place to live. When I tried to bring it up with DH, he tells me she is very busy getting all her things in order and doesn't have time to look for a place right now. When I talk to her, she makes vague comments about maybe buying a house here or there or maybe renting a place or maybe this and that, but there seems to be no plan to leave. She is driving me absolutely nuts and I want my house back. I want to be a gracious host, and if I just had a date when she is leaving I think I could manage it, but not knowing how long this will go on is making me really resentful.

She takes over everything, and acts like it's her house (she even redecorates), and I feel like an unwanted guest. It's very uncomfortable. DH says I should be grateful because she does all the cooking and a lot of cleaning, and I feel very ungrateful because I would rather have a dirty house than feel like it's not my house at all. Am I being childish? How gracious would you be if your MIL came and did all the cooking and cleaning, but did it to the point where you weren't really able to cook anything even if you wanted to, and had to guard your clothing if you didn't want thrown into the washer and dryer, and had decor you didn't even like appearing on your walls and in the rooms? Like, I just did a major reno and have beautiful new floors which are now covered in ugly throw rugs, and I like minimalism but now have a bunch of knick knacks on every surface and paintings from Home Goods on the walls. I feel like a baby complaining about someone doing stuff around my house, but I just really hate it.

You sit down with her and tell her she has 30 days to find another place to live and move. Make sure your DH is also on board with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you guys celebrate Christmas? I would either box her stuff up when you roll out the Christmas decorations, or if it’s too late for that now, I’d box them up afterwards for a fresh start with the new year. I’d tell my husband either she’s leaving in January or I am.

It’s a rare case where you can have two women in one house. This is clearly not working.

OP here, this is maybe one thing that has me more angry than anything - I can't put up any decorations or even the tree because her sh*t is everywhere. I would love to box her stuff up and then put it out with a curb alert, but I am actually terrified of her. She has a terrible temper, and we all walk on eggshells around her. DH is also scared of her, which is why he allows this to go on. I am a very conflict-avoidant person, as having someone shout at me makes me literally shake and feel sick, and I just cannot stand up to her. I know it sounds like I'm a doormat - maybe I am - but I have been made to feel for so many years like I am the problem, and I just need to be friendlier and a better host.

Yes, she is from another culture. (Please don't everyone try to guess, it's not that common and you won't get it.) I am not from that culture, but it's hard to stand up to this stuff when every other person in the family sees me as the problem. And it is a really really big family. I don't want to leave my husband. We have been married 25 years and have a tween, and he's otherwise a great husband, plus financially it's not feasible for me. The fact that he is also unable to stand up to her, and that this puts him in such a bad situation and makes him unhappy, makes me want to be the bigger person and just put up with it for his sake, but there is a limit, and I feel like the limit is not that far away. For the record, this is not the first time she's done this, which is why I suspect it could go on for several more months at least (even though DH keeps assuring me it won't, based on no evidence I can see), which is why I am so anxious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it hard to believe that she dragged in and set up area rugs solo, unless they are tiny that’s a two person job. Same with hanging art. Is your DH helping with this decor installation?

Agree that this is a husband problem but if he absolutely won’t talk to her and get a firm date, just say that your best friend from childhood is planning a visit with her kids and you need to know if she’ll be out by end of the month or leaving in January. (Give two close by options).

OP - LOL because she's very fit and quite able to do it on her own. DH is younger than me and she had him very young, so sadly this situation has no natural and permanent end in the foreseeable future.

[Anonymous]

Ok you need to have a time when you are calm and tell your DH that his mom goes or you do. This is so disrespectful it almost seems made up. I mean is it? Who comes in someone else’s house and hangs decor?

[Anonymous]

OP the answer is not to wait until you boil over and murder her or something.

Just speak with your husband, come up with a reasonable deadline, and communicate it clearly.

You should meet with a therapist a few times who can help you have a plan for what you’ll do with one or both ignore your deadline. You don’t want to be in a “reaching your limit” situation OR a “being a doormat” situation. So a therapist can help you come up with a plan and stick to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you guys celebrate Christmas? I would either box her stuff up when you roll out the Christmas decorations, or if it’s too late for that now, I’d box them up afterwards for a fresh start with the new year. I’d tell my husband either she’s leaving in January or I am.

It’s a rare case where you can have two women in one house. This is clearly not working.

OP here, this is maybe one thing that has me more angry than anything - I can't put up any decorations or even the tree because her sh*t is everywhere. I would love to box her stuff up and then put it out with a curb alert, but I am actually terrified of her. She has a terrible temper, and we all walk on eggshells around her. DH is also scared of her, which is why he allows this to go on. I am a very conflict-avoidant person, as having someone shout at me makes me literally shake and feel sick, and I just cannot stand up to her. I know it sounds like I'm a doormat - maybe I am - but I have been made to feel for so many years like I am the problem, and I just need to be friendlier and a better host.

Yes, she is from another culture. (Please don't everyone try to guess, it's not that common and you won't get it.) I am not from that culture, but it's hard to stand up to this stuff when every other person in the family sees me as the problem. And it is a really really big family. I don't want to leave my husband. We have been married 25 years and have a tween, and he's otherwise a great husband, plus financially it's not feasible for me. The fact that he is also unable to stand up to her, and that this puts him in such a bad situation and makes him unhappy, makes me want to be the bigger person and just put up with it for his sake, but there is a limit, and I feel like the limit is not that far away. For the record, this is not the first time she's done this, which is why I suspect it could go on for several more months at least (even though DH keeps assuring me it won't, based on no evidence I can see), which is why I am so anxious.

Unless you’re willing to move out by yourself this situation isn’t going to change, so you’d best make peace with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok you need to have a time when you are calm and tell your DH that his mom goes or you do. This is so disrespectful it almost seems made up. I mean is it? Who comes in someone else’s house and hangs decor?

OP here - I really really wish it was made up, and the first time she did something like that I felt like I'd fallen into another dimension. But it's real, and it's normal for her. It's probably not even the most outrageous thing she's done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok you need to have a time when you are calm and tell your DH that his mom goes or you do. This is so disrespectful it almost seems made up. I mean is it? Who comes in someone else’s house and hangs decor?

My East European MIL took down my little shrine ( I am of a different religion) when we were away at work because she didn’t like it. That was her first time visiting us. My DH read her the riot act and she ended up leaving early. Her henpecked husband who had stayed back home called to thank DH for standing up to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you guys celebrate Christmas? I would either box her stuff up when you roll out the Christmas decorations, or if it’s too late for that now, I’d box them up afterwards for a fresh start with the new year. I’d tell my husband either she’s leaving in January or I am.

It’s a rare case where you can have two women in one house. This is clearly not working.

OP here, this is maybe one thing that has me more angry than anything - I can't put up any decorations or even the tree because her sh*t is everywhere. I would love to box her stuff up and then put it out with a curb alert, but I am actually terrified of her. She has a terrible temper, and we all walk on eggshells around her. DH is also scared of her, which is why he allows this to go on. I am a very conflict-avoidant person, as having someone shout at me makes me literally shake and feel sick, and I just cannot stand up to her. I know it sounds like I'm a doormat - maybe I am - but I have been made to feel for so many years like I am the problem, and I just need to be friendlier and a better host.

Yes, she is from another culture. (Please don't everyone try to guess, it's not that common and you won't get it.) I am not from that culture, but it's hard to stand up to this stuff when every other person in the family sees me as the problem. And it is a really really big family. I don't want to leave my husband. We have been married 25 years and have a tween, and he's otherwise a great husband, plus financially it's not feasible for me. The fact that he is also unable to stand up to her, and that this puts him in such a bad situation and makes him unhappy, makes me want to be the bigger person and just put up with it for his sake, but there is a limit, and I feel like the limit is not that far away. For the record, this is not the first time she's done this, which is why I suspect it could go on for several more months at least (even though DH keeps assuring me it won't, based on no evidence I can see), which is why I am so anxious.

Unless you’re willing to move out by yourself this situation isn’t going to change, so you’d best make peace with it.

+1. In this situation you either put up or shut up.

You added another dimension to it that both of you are terrified of her, having to walk on eggshells, terrible temper. That's a horrible way to live in your own house and think about if this is something you want your kid to be around. Why is your DH afraid of his own mother? Will she cut him out of a major inheritance or something? You're married to a wimp.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is putting his mother before you, his wife. Spell that out to him and tell him he can live happily ever after with her, if she isn't out of there in 30 days.