MIL came temporarily but isn't making plans to leave

[Anonymous]

You protect your child and your marriage over extended family harmony, or a relationship w someone you are terrified of.

[Anonymous]

OP,

You and husband may prefer to stew and suffer through his mother's obnoxious ways, but I can tell you this: the day you both stand up to her, despite her temper and family pressure, is the say you'll be reborn as a human being.

I come from a large multicultural family and some members are definitely obnoxious. They only respond to strength. They bully the weaklings. Therefore the only solution is to respond with greater strength. The other relatives may actually respect you more, I don't know how they are, but please don't assume that their submissive behavior denotes acquiescence. Regardless of their opinions, if you and your husband are united and lay clear boundaries, there isn't much harm they can do to you: blackball you from family functions? Maybe that'll be a relief! Disinherit you? Seems like you've got a good enough life already.

As for standing there while someone else shouts at you... I'm socially anxious, and I HATE yelling and conflict. But your situation is where I would welcome a confrontation. I need to feel safe and secure in my own home. That is non-negotiable. If someone yells at me for hours after being told they need to leave, and then takes another few days of packing and making nasty remarks before actually leaving... it's a small price to pay!

It may take you and your husband a while to get there, particularly your husband, if he's endured a lifetime of mothering by this person. You'll really have to push him, and you might need to take the lead in speaking up for both of you when the time comes. Rehearse your speech, and have several exit strategies depending on how she reacts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok you need to have a time when you are calm and tell your DH that his mom goes or you do. This is so disrespectful it almost seems made up. I mean is it? Who comes in someone else’s house and hangs decor?

OP here - I really really wish it was made up, and the first time she did something like that I felt like I'd fallen into another dimension. But it's real, and it's normal for her. It's probably not even the most outrageous thing she's done.

well- the decor issue is simple, you have to take it down and put it in a box while you put up your own Christmas stuff, start with the tree (its pretty late already!) , do this as a family, this weekend, all of 3 of you. and if she starts shouting at you- You need to go to your bedroom and shut the door on her. If you come out and this issue isn't resolved, you need to take your car keys and drive away. I'm pretty sure that it won't come to this. You dont have to put up with feeling terrorized, you are an adult, go to the library. Also you can cook your own meals and feed them to your child and yourself, leave her cooking untouched. She can clean as payment for staying in your house.

[Anonymous]

No matter what you do, you're going to have negative emotions. Wouldn't it be better to have the negative emotions and get your house back rather than having negative emotions and not having your space? Wouldn't you rather get your marriage back on track rather than have your MIL get between you and your DH?

I totally get how difficult it is to overcome childhood conditioning and how difficult it is to establish a healthy boundary in the face of family disapproval. It's not easy but it has GOT to be done if you want healthy, happy relationships with the people most important to you - your spouse and your children. If your DH is unable to do it but is supportive of you, they you need to bite that bullet if you are unwilling/unable to end your relationship with him.

I have no doubt you can get some excellent language and modeling advice from DCUM posters. This is an area where the community can really come through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you guys celebrate Christmas? I would either box her stuff up when you roll out the Christmas decorations, or if it’s too late for that now, I’d box them up afterwards for a fresh start with the new year. I’d tell my husband either she’s leaving in January or I am.

It’s a rare case where you can have two women in one house. This is clearly not working.

OP here, this is maybe one thing that has me more angry than anything - I can't put up any decorations or even the tree because her sh*t is everywhere. I would love to box her stuff up and then put it out with a curb alert, but I am actually terrified of her. She has a terrible temper, and we all walk on eggshells around her. DH is also scared of her, which is why he allows this to go on. I am a very conflict-avoidant person, as having someone shout at me makes me literally shake and feel sick, and I just cannot stand up to her. I know it sounds like I'm a doormat - maybe I am - but I have been made to feel for so many years like I am the problem, and I just need to be friendlier and a better host.

Yes, she is from another culture. (Please don't everyone try to guess, it's not that common and you won't get it.) I am not from that culture, but it's hard to stand up to this stuff when every other person in the family sees me as the problem. And it is a really really big family. I don't want to leave my husband. We have been married 25 years and have a tween, and he's otherwise a great husband, plus financially it's not feasible for me. The fact that he is also unable to stand up to her, and that this puts him in such a bad situation and makes him unhappy, makes me want to be the bigger person and just put up with it for his sake, but there is a limit, and I feel like the limit is not that far away. For the record, this is not the first time she's done this, which is why I suspect it could go on for several more months at least (even though DH keeps assuring me it won't, based on no evidence I can see), which is why I am so anxious.

So you think she will leave eventually, right? In that case the lowest conflict thing to do is to change the locks after she does, not give her a key, and refuse to host her again without a fork beginning and ending date and evidence of actual plane tickets or whatever.

And you can tell her then - over the phone - that you love and appreciate her but as you’ve gotten older you’ve come to realize you need space and can’t host people for more than x amount of time. If she starts screaming you hang up.

If the family thinks you’re crazy you tell them yes, you agree you are the odd one out, but that’s how it is and if they can’t deal with that then they don’t need to visit.

[Anonymous]

Start changing back what she has changed. Put everything in the room where she is staying, or on top of her suitcase, or whatever. Just say: Thank you. But this is our house and husband and I will decorate as we see fit. Walk away. If she goes crazy, let her. If she does something violent, you put her suitcase on the front porch, call an Uber, give her some cash, and tell her you will not allow violence (use the word) in your house.

If she puts something of hers back up, take it back down. Tell her she is not a child. She is an adult and this is your house. She is a guest.

You just have to stand up to her, calm but firm. She is used to getting her way through bullying. All that will works in the face of this is calm but firm indifference. She knows bullying has worked thus far.

[Anonymous]

If my MIL started screaming at me in my own home and would not leave, I would call the police and report her as a trespasser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my MIL started screaming at me in my own home and would not leave, I would call the police and report her as a trespasser.

And the police would tell you since she’s lived there and gotten mail there for more than 30 days, you’re SOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my MIL started screaming at me in my own home and would not leave, I would call the police and report her as a trespasser.

And the police would tell you since she’s lived there and gotten mail there for more than 30 days, you’re SOL.

Sure, if the police bothered to ask or if my MIL was super educated about tenant rights. But, it would definitely get my MIL and my husband’s attention. There is no way I’m being bullied in my own home. Eviction papers could follow.

[Anonymous]

This would involve a come to jesus meeting with DH where he would get told in no uncertain terms he needs to sit down THIS WEEKEND with his mom and tell her to stop redecorating, and start looking for a rental. He then needs to drive her around to senior apartment places and find ones with openings. She needs to be out by January 15th.

[Anonymous]

OP's DH has definitely told his mother that she can stay as long as she wants and has not told OP for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, this is a husband problem. Though for your to say you'd rather have a dirty house than have MIL there cleaning tells me that DH doesn't want a dirty house. You are being backed into a corner.

You need to take control of the situation. Stop letting her cook and clean and tell her to leave. Manage your own house.

Clearly DH should help, but he is happy to have mom there to do what work he should be doing.

Can you leave?

There's no "corner". If DH wants a clean house, he can assist or "manage" it himself.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you work? Has your MIL lent your husband/family money?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you guys celebrate Christmas? I would either box her stuff up when you roll out the Christmas decorations, or if it’s too late for that now, I’d box them up afterwards for a fresh start with the new year. I’d tell my husband either she’s leaving in January or I am.

It’s a rare case where you can have two women in one house. This is clearly not working.

OP here, this is maybe one thing that has me more angry than anything - I can't put up any decorations or even the tree because her sh*t is everywhere. I would love to box her stuff up and then put it out with a curb alert, but I am actually terrified of her. She has a terrible temper, and we all walk on eggshells around her. DH is also scared of her, which is why he allows this to go on. I am a very conflict-avoidant person, as having someone shout at me makes me literally shake and feel sick, and I just cannot stand up to her. I know it sounds like I'm a doormat - maybe I am - but I have been made to feel for so many years like I am the problem, and I just need to be friendlier and a better host.

Yes, she is from another culture. (Please don't everyone try to guess, it's not that common and you won't get it.) I am not from that culture, but it's hard to stand up to this stuff when every other person in the family sees me as the problem. And it is a really really big family. I don't want to leave my husband. We have been married 25 years and have a tween, and he's otherwise a great husband, plus financially it's not feasible for me. The fact that he is also unable to stand up to her, and that this puts him in such a bad situation and makes him unhappy, makes me want to be the bigger person and just put up with it for his sake, but there is a limit, and I feel like the limit is not that far away. For the record, this is not the first time she's done this, which is why I suspect it could go on for several more months at least (even though DH keeps assuring me it won't, based on no evidence I can see), which is why I am so anxious.

Change the locks. Get plastic bins and take her crap down and tell her she can put up stuff when she gets her own place.

Or give her a date and tell her to leave. Invite someone else to stay so she has to go. Who cares what the family thinks? If they care so much they can house her! Ask your husband to take her to look at places and have her sign a lease or something. Where does she normally live? What is her financial situation? Does your husband have siblings? Can they help?

Your husband needs to grow up and stand up to his mother. Give her a date when she has to leave or play her game. If she won’t leave I say make her so uncomfortable in the home so she leaves or start eviction proceedings. Make your own meals… for only you and tween.

Honestly I don’t like being passive aggressive and I am very communicative (to a fault sometimes if I have an issue with you I’ll tell you and hope you do the same if I’m nothing you), but sometimes you gotta play the game the other person is playing for them to understand. No one should make you uncomfortable in your own home. Don’t ask her plans anymore you have done that and she won’t give a firm
Answer so talk to your husband and pick a date and tell her she needs to be out by that date.

And whatever you do when she moves out don’t let her stay again. Have her stay with a relative or just pay for a hotel for a few days for her. Not worth going through this again!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my MIL started screaming at me in my own home and would not leave, I would call the police and report her as a trespasser.

And the police would tell you since she’s lived there and gotten mail there for more than 30 days, you’re SOL.

Sure, if the police bothered to ask or if my MIL was super educated about tenant rights. But, it would definitely get my MIL and my husband’s attention. There is no way I’m being bullied in my own home. Eviction papers could follow.

As the kids say, sick backpedal, sis.

And don’t worry. The police will inform them of their rights when they arrive.