MIL came temporarily but isn't making plans to leave
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Anonymous
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Am I being a jerk about this? MIL came to stay "temporarily" between living arrangements, but she doesn't have any firm plans to leave and doesn't seem to be making any plans to do so. She spent a year traveling around Europe and then arrived back a few weeks ago. She has been visiting friends and has taken a few trips out of town, but all her things are still in storage and she hasn't even mentioned finding a place to live. When I tried to bring it up with DH, he tells me she is very busy getting all her things in order and doesn't have time to look for a place right now. When I talk to her, she makes vague comments about maybe buying a house here or there or maybe renting a place or maybe this and that, but there seems to be no plan to leave. She is driving me absolutely nuts and I want my house back. I want to be a gracious host, and if I just had a date when she is leaving I think I could manage it, but not knowing how long this will go on is making me really resentful.
She takes over everything, and acts like it's her house (she even redecorates), and I feel like an unwanted guest. It's very uncomfortable. DH says I should be grateful because she does all the cooking and a lot of cleaning, and I feel very ungrateful because I would rather have a dirty house than feel like it's not my house at all. Am I being childish? How gracious would you be if your MIL came and did all the cooking and cleaning, but did it to the point where you weren't really able to cook anything even if you wanted to, and had to guard your clothing if you didn't want thrown into the washer and dryer, and had decor you didn't even like appearing on your walls and in the rooms? Like, I just did a major reno and have beautiful new floors which are now covered in ugly throw rugs, and I like minimalism but now have a bunch of knick knacks on every surface and paintings from Home Goods on the walls. I feel like a baby complaining about someone doing stuff around my house, but I just really hate it. |
Anonymous
| Change the locks or accept the fact that she’s there to stay. |
Anonymous
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Wow. How long have you been married and what culture is your husband from?
This is a husband problem, not a MIL problem. I would go get a couple of big plastic bins and start putting all of her home decor crap in them. |
Anonymous
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You have a husband problem. Tell him that she either leaves in a month or you do. This is untenable to me.
I cannot even imagine what I would do if my husband tell me I should be grateful to have my MIL living with us. And I actually love my MIL and she would not be nearly as obnoxious as yours is. |
Anonymous
| Tell you husband that X date is the deadline. If MIL has not settled her own living arrangements, you will move her into an extended stay hotel where she can continue to stay until she finds more permanent lodgings. Normally, I'd say 30 days, but with the holidays, I'd give her until the end of January. |
Anonymous
+1 Start boxing up the home decor things and make it clear it's your house. Cook what you want. I don't understand that part at all |
Anonymous
| You are in your right to find this untenable. I went through something similar during Covid with my SIL. My husband wouldn’t deal with it and it was making me very unhappy, to the point that I thought I would divorce my spouse if she didn’t leave (and I’m quite happily married). When MiL suddenly showed up and also had no plans to leave, it broke me. I hit my limit one day and told my MIL that it was affecting my marriage and desperately needed some privacy and everyone had to leave. They had 2 weeks to go home. Thank god I had that conversation despite how difficult it was for me. My wellbeing dramatically improved once they were gone and my husband finally realized how much their presence had impacted me. You have to set boundaries. You are an adult and chose to live with your husband, not your MIL. If your husband won’t do it, you have to do it. |
Anonymous
| Any home decor stuff she buys ... even an extra spatula ... box it up and say it will be nice for her to have it when she goes to her new home. |
Anonymous
| You need to make it clear to your husband that her #1 priority right now needs to be finding a new place to live. If she has time to redecorate your house and cook and clean and take trips she has time to find a new place to live. |
Anonymous
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Yes, this is a husband problem. Though for your to say you'd rather have a dirty house than have MIL there cleaning tells me that DH doesn't want a dirty house. You are being backed into a corner.
You need to take control of the situation. Stop letting her cook and clean and tell her to leave. Manage your own house. Clearly DH should help, but he is happy to have mom there to do what work he should be doing. Can you leave? |
Anonymous
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What’s her financial situation?
This would drive me completely crazy and would toss all of her decorations out the door in a fit of rage. |
Anonymous
+1. My MIL is now dead but I can't imagine having to deal with this. I would absolutely start a box in the garage and every time some knick knack or throw rug shows up, quietly take it to the box. If MIL asks, let her know that they aren't your style so you are putting her things in storage so they're ready to go when she signs her new lease. Is there a way to get ahead of her on the cooking each day? Start things in the slow cooker, or thank her for spending the afternoon making X, that will make great leftovers for lunch tomorrow but tonight's menu is Y. Post the weekly menu on the refrigerator and grocery shop on the weekends. From there it's an issue with your husband. You should not agree to move another person into your household without a spousal discussion and understanding of what that looks like. Did he and his mother agree without you that this would be a long-term arrangement? |
Anonymous
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??? I would never have allowed her to stay if there wasn't a firm date for departure. This just does not happen in my family, or my husband's family. I assume you're young and inexperienced, and your husband comes from a culture where this is more the norm. He doesn't feel the pressure you're feeling, because he probably loves his mother's cooking and keeps his head in his work anyway. You really need to get your husband on board here, and put max pressure on him. |
Anonymous
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Eff your H for telling you that you should be grateful for her presence.
He's getting mommy's cooking and cleaning, and probably reverting back to his younger self. He's not a man with a family; he's a child who has serious boundary issues. I'd have serious talk with him, and maybe couple's counseling. |
Anonymous
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Do you guys celebrate Christmas? I would either box her stuff up when you roll out the Christmas decorations, or if it’s too late for that now, I’d box them up afterwards for a fresh start with the new year. I’d tell my husband either she’s leaving in January or I am.
It’s a rare case where you can have two women in one house. This is clearly not working. |