Please help - Husband who only prioritizes job

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a tired tale as old as time; my DH of 10 years is great at his job and prioritizes his job, and he is not a true partner on the home front, in particular around anything that requires organization, planning, or mental energy.

I am currently 14 weeks pregnant, and I have been very sick and unable to pick up his slack like I normally do. He in theory pays physically pays our bills (I am the higher earner in our marriage and we share finances), but I participate and watch our finances carefully. The past couple of months I have been out of commission. Today I discovered that our homeowners insurance has lapsed, and we didn't pay the full balance on 2 credit cards (we have the cash but autopay is set for minimums) out of negligence, and we unnecessarily paid interest.

My husband is supposed to be the one making my 3 year old daughter's doctor's appointments etc. but again, normally I am watching and he if fails to follow through I remind him or I just do it myself. A few days ago I received a note from her daycare that her immunizations are out of date, which lead me to realize that he never made her 3 year old well visit.

I could go on and on....

Please don't tell me that he has ADHD or is on the spectrum. Maybe that's true, who knows, but if so he "masks" perfectly well at work. If he is ever going to do whatever it takes to improve this situation, he has to WANT to give our home life the same attention he gives his work life to make it run smoothly.

He is a tenured professor, and he is constantly collaborating with people all over the world on complex projects that require a lot of back and forth; he won't even reliably use and update a family google calendar with me.

These past several months he has been hyper-focused on several work projects when I needed him most to help me during the 1st trimester, and I am really pissed off about it. He has tenure, and NONE of this projects needed to progress at a fast pace (he works in a theoretical field and is not dealing with a lab or any time sensitive elements). He CHOOSES to prioritize his career above the basic needs of his family, and I don't know what to do because I am not happy at all about this.

I work a hard job at which I can get fired at any time, and I still manage to fit home admin into my day during lunchtime etc. Why does he refuse to the same and how can this be improved?

Lots of PPs have been pointing out useful perspectives on his inability to shoulder his portion of the household burden, and you have legitimate frustration that they’re helping with.

For balance I’d like to point out that you use the word “tenured” twice and that his projects aren’t urgent, and contrast this with your can-lose-my-job needs. These things are true but you sound like you’re dismissive of his work. Tenured faculty are often under *tremendous* pressure to do more, accomplish more, bring in more grants, lead more collaborations, speak at more conferences. Saying that he’s tenured and has no urgent projects might be true, but it might also be not recognizing that during most of his waking hours the things that regularly *demand* his attention aren’t paying bills and taking a kid to a checkup.

This is OP. What working adult doesn’t have work demands all day everyday? We all have to set boundaries with our work to keep our lives running.

I think I emphasized tenure twice because before tenure I was told that his hyper focus on work was due to true urgency and need, but post tenure nothing has changed.

Guess not!

He’s a selfish work addict, that’s all.

Hope he makes $1m gross a year or more.

A tenured professor? 😂😂😂

Some biz school profs make $$$

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you keep having more children with this man since you know the workload is going to fall on your shoulders?

+100 OP WHY????

[Anonymous]

How old was your DH when you got married? If he was 30, he had to be paying his rent, insurance bill, and making a dentist appointment for himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP, i am in same boat. Welcome to the patriarchy and systemic imbalance. I have focused on making admin more efficient: i block all 3 kids doctors visits on same day to synchronize, regardless of actual birthdays; hire a weekly babysitter; block out times on my work outlook for family admin/ date planning/ vacation planning. I have found nagging ineffective and frustrating, so chose to spend time getting stuff done. I think the painful part is feeling like you are not a priority. It does come back though. Children notice and punish an absent parent. That can be a wakeup call. They also know who to come to to rely on when they are older. Good luck.

+1. You just described my life perfectly. Except I wasted years and years trying to get things to change, and just ended up angry and resentful and doing it all myself anyway. I've learned I can do a lot more around the house and yard than I ever thought, I ask my older sons to help with what I can't do myself (heavy lifting), and I feel great about myself in the process. The resentment of the "absent" father figure and husband is still there, and you are spot on about children noticing. All of mine do...they know he doesn't want to know, care to know, get involved, DO anything but his job. And that takes a toll on their relationship, but it's not like I didn't warn him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's secretly panicking about the baby and that causes him paralysis.

If you haven't tasked him with specific things very clearly, do it now. "Joe. Make her vaccination appointment. It is your job and I need you to get it done."

No

He’s not thinking a damn thing. Except about himself.

He gosh darn went and got married and made kids but never adapts or grows or steps up for the new adult situation.

Who cares why? He cannot or will not behave like an adult spouse or parent or home owner.

Absolutely get therapy and start getting him aware of normal expectations. He needs to grow up and step up.

But if instead he gets angry and mad at you, buckle up…. You also may have married a bonafide A-hole whose mommy raised him to do nothing and to believe he’s better than everyone else. Especially women.

yes, mine got angry when approached about this problem (or any problem actually). It's destroyed our marriage. He has a job, and manages to keep that and do well, but he has left EVERYTHING else up to me. I'm an idiot for tolerating it for this long. I have to manage literally everything and WITH my own ADHD, but I have to do it so I do. I hate the ADHD excuse....I keep lists and schedules and notes and reminders, and I know there is no one to catch me when I fall so I get it done. I feel like I married a 14 year old boy that still needs his mommy when it's time to buy new underwear or who has to make phone calls for him. It isn't anything like I thought being married would be like lol. I'm alone in all of it, and that makes me angry when he's sitting right there and chooses not to participate in our life or our children's lives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tale as old as time, indeed, and like you, many of the wives in this predicament are out earning their husbands on top of it. It’s infuriating.

It feels like feminism has been such a joke for women. For single men, the dating market is like a giant free escort service. Then one day they decide they want to have a family and they have their pick of women who are way out of their league but are sick of looking and want kids. Then the kids come and they benefit from being “family men” living in houses with actual furniture and real meals but they don’t actually do any of the work, and they aren’t even expected to be the main breadwinner. What a farce.

lol.

They are indeed such tag-along farces.

However the farce is up; everyone sees through them. Even their own kids do once they are over 7 yo.

[Anonymous]

This will destroy your marriage in the next 12 years, fix it now.

Give him a come to Jesus talk but have a list or any sort of written plan about the zones of responsibility. Without written intentions there is no way to measure performance, lots of men need a checklist because they don’t have the ability to see where things need attention if those things are not spraying water or leaking oil.

[Anonymous]

I really think if I had cancer or something my husband would leave and find some other woman to do all his stuff for him. I can’t ever be sick. He’s insanely selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tale as old as time, indeed, and like you, many of the wives in this predicament are out earning their husbands on top of it. It’s infuriating.

It feels like feminism has been such a joke for women. For single men, the dating market is like a giant free escort service. Then one day they decide they want to have a family and they have their pick of women who are way out of their league but are sick of looking and want kids. Then the kids come and they benefit from being “family men” living in houses with actual furniture and real meals but they don’t actually do any of the work, and they aren’t even expected to be the main breadwinner. What a farce.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a tired tale as old as time; my DH of 10 years is great at his job and prioritizes his job, and he is not a true partner on the home front, in particular around anything that requires organization, planning, or mental energy.

I am currently 14 weeks pregnant, and I have been very sick and unable to pick up his slack like I normally do. He in theory pays physically pays our bills (I am the higher earner in our marriage and we share finances), but I participate and watch our finances carefully. The past couple of months I have been out of commission. Today I discovered that our homeowners insurance has lapsed, and we didn't pay the full balance on 2 credit cards (we have the cash but autopay is set for minimums) out of negligence, and we unnecessarily paid interest.

My husband is supposed to be the one making my 3 year old daughter's doctor's appointments etc. but again, normally I am watching and he if fails to follow through I remind him or I just do it myself. A few days ago I received a note from her daycare that her immunizations are out of date, which lead me to realize that he never made her 3 year old well visit.

I could go on and on....

Please don't tell me that he has ADHD or is on the spectrum. Maybe that's true, who knows, but if so he "masks" perfectly well at work. If he is ever going to do whatever it takes to improve this situation, he has to WANT to give our home life the same attention he gives his work life to make it run smoothly.

He is a tenured professor, and he is constantly collaborating with people all over the world on complex projects that require a lot of back and forth; he won't even reliably use and update a family google calendar with me.

These past several months he has been hyper-focused on several work projects when I needed him most to help me during the 1st trimester, and I am really pissed off about it. He has tenure, and NONE of this projects needed to progress at a fast pace (he works in a theoretical field and is not dealing with a lab or any time sensitive elements). He CHOOSES to prioritize his career above the basic needs of his family, and I don't know what to do because I am not happy at all about this.

I work a hard job at which I can get fired at any time, and I still manage to fit home admin into my day during lunchtime etc. Why does he refuse to the same and how can this be improved?

My husband is like this but makes 4xs what I make. There is no chance I would tolerate doing all of the household responsibilities and be the breadwinner. Have you tried asking him what he thinks he brings to the table in terms of being part of the household?

[Anonymous]

If she's due for anything but flu or COVID vaccine she missed more than just her 3 year well visit.

And those aren't mandatory so daycare can MYOB

[Anonymous]

I'm sure there's plenty he does that you know nothing about or minimize so you can whine.

[Anonymous]

lol

Yeah plenty

Lol

[Anonymous]

Like how many Netflix series he watches per week. I have no idea except everytime I look one up it says Completed

Or how much food and snacks he eats all day working from home. All I see is empty garbage out and crumbs everywhere. He even tries to blame the kids bc he doesn’t know their practice and dinner schedules.

Or maybe it’s how many hours a day he’s on his iPhone doing nonsense or emailing back outsiders like a lunatic. All I see is he’s out of battery by noon or constantly charging extender batteries.

Yeah he must be doing sooooo much of the big pie if family stuff we need done.

In reality he knows maybe 3-4 things out of 50 that need to be done in a matter of weeks.

Ignorance is Bliss.

For him. Not for me. Not for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just do the admin work. I don't have a good solution. DH also has ADHD but is very successful at work (I make more money), so clearly he can do well when he wants to. I make all the appointments and make him take the kids. He also has to do all drop offs and has lists of tasks he has to do. He does all of that willingly and no issues. He likes being my employee I guess.

It's the labor that requires thought and foresight that he can't do. He can't make the appointments ahead of time. He can't remember to pay bills or shop for insurance. It annoys me that this stuff is called "admin work" because that makes it sound like it's easy secretarial work. It's more like the family manager type work.

OP, you can only control you. Either consider yourself the family manager and set up systems and let the resentment go or face that you will likely be divorced, in which case you will manage your own home 100% and still struggle re: shared child rearing tasks.

Also, your finances will take a huge hit and your children will spend their lives shuttling back and forth. You chose to have another child with him. Give your kids a smoothly running home life with overseen finances or don't but power struggles with him will likely change nothing. BTDT. I found outsourcing as much as possible helped too.

It does suck but we can only control ourselves. Few I have known who went to counseling about this had things significantly change. Seethe silently and divorce, fight constantly and divorce or manage the family and drop the resentment.