Reply to Please help - Husband who only prioritizes job

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I have a tired tale as old as time; my DH of 10 years is great at his job and prioritizes his job, and he is not a true partner on the home front, in particular around anything that requires organization, planning, or mental energy.

I am currently 14 weeks pregnant, and I have been very sick and unable to pick up his slack like I normally do. He in theory pays physically pays our bills (I am the higher earner in our marriage and we share finances), but I participate and watch our finances carefully. The past couple of months I have been out of commission. Today I discovered that our homeowners insurance has lapsed, and we didn't pay the full balance on 2 credit cards (we have the cash but autopay is set for minimums) out of negligence, and we unnecessarily paid interest.

My husband is supposed to be the one making my 3 year old daughter's doctor's appointments etc. but again, normally I am watching and he if fails to follow through I remind him or I just do it myself. A few days ago I received a note from her daycare that her immunizations are out of date, which lead me to realize that he never made her 3 year old well visit.

I could go on and on....

Please don't tell me that he has ADHD or is on the spectrum. Maybe that's true, who knows, but if so he "masks" perfectly well at work. If he is ever going to do whatever it takes to improve this situation, he has to WANT to give our home life the same attention he gives his work life to make it run smoothly.

He is a tenured professor, and he is constantly collaborating with people all over the world on complex projects that require a lot of back and forth; he won't even reliably use and update a family google calendar with me.

These past several months he has been hyper-focused on several work projects when I needed him most to help me during the 1st trimester, and I am really pissed off about it. He has tenure, and NONE of this projects needed to progress at a fast pace (he works in a theoretical field and is not dealing with a lab or any time sensitive elements). He CHOOSES to prioritize his career above the basic needs of his family, and I don't know what to do because I am not happy at all about this.

I work a hard job at which I can get fired at any time, and I still manage to fit home admin into my day during lunchtime etc. Why does he refuse to the same and how can this be improved?

[/quote]

Lots of PPs have been pointing out useful perspectives on his inability to shoulder his portion of the household burden, and you have legitimate frustration that they’re helping with.

For balance I’d like to point out that you use the word “tenured” twice and that his projects aren’t urgent, and contrast this with your can-lose-my-job needs. These things are true but you sound like you’re dismissive of his work. Tenured faculty are often under *tremendous* pressure to do more, accomplish more, bring in more grants, lead more collaborations, speak at more conferences. Saying that he’s tenured and has no urgent projects might be true, but it might also be not recognizing that during most of his waking hours the things that regularly *demand* his attention aren’t paying bills and taking a kid to a checkup. [/quote]

This is OP. What working adult doesn’t have work demands all day everyday? We all have to set boundaries with our work to keep our lives running.

I think I emphasized tenure twice because before tenure I was told that his hyper focus on work was due to true urgency and need, but post tenure nothing has changed. [/quote]

Guess not!

He’s a selfish work addict, that’s all.

Hope he makes $1m gross a year or more.[/quote]
A tenured professor? 😂😂😂[/quote]

Some biz school profs make $$$[/quote]

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