Please help - Husband who only prioritizes job
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Anonymous
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I have a tired tale as old as time; my DH of 10 years is great at his job and prioritizes his job, and he is not a true partner on the home front, in particular around anything that requires organization, planning, or mental energy.
I am currently 14 weeks pregnant, and I have been very sick and unable to pick up his slack like I normally do. He in theory pays physically pays our bills (I am the higher earner in our marriage and we share finances), but I participate and watch our finances carefully. The past couple of months I have been out of commission. Today I discovered that our homeowners insurance has lapsed, and we didn't pay the full balance on 2 credit cards (we have the cash but autopay is set for minimums) out of negligence, and we unnecessarily paid interest. My husband is supposed to be the one making my 3 year old daughter's doctor's appointments etc. but again, normally I am watching and he if fails to follow through I remind him or I just do it myself. A few days ago I received a note from her daycare that her immunizations are out of date, which lead me to realize that he never made her 3 year old well visit. I could go on and on.... Please don't tell me that he has ADHD or is on the spectrum. Maybe that's true, who knows, but if so he "masks" perfectly well at work. If he is ever going to do whatever it takes to improve this situation, he has to WANT to give our home life the same attention he gives his work life to make it run smoothly. He is a tenured professor, and he is constantly collaborating with people all over the world on complex projects that require a lot of back and forth; he won't even reliably use and update a family google calendar with me. These past several months he has been hyper-focused on several work projects when I needed him most to help me during the 1st trimester, and I am really pissed off about it. He has tenure, and NONE of this projects needed to progress at a fast pace (he works in a theoretical field and is not dealing with a lab or any time sensitive elements). He CHOOSES to prioritize his career above the basic needs of his family, and I don't know what to do because I am not happy at all about this. I work a hard job at which I can get fired at any time, and I still manage to fit home admin into my day during lunchtime etc. Why does he refuse to the same and how can this be improved? |
Anonymous
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It’s sexism OP. Welcome to the patriarchy. He doesn’t do them because he does not care, because he knows you will pick up the slack.
I suggest therapy so he can hear that these things need to change. Trust me when I say this will corrode your relationship and you will end up divorced. He needs to hear that. All that said … he may be unable or unwilling to handle administrative tasks. So you’ll need to figure out other things he can do to get his side of the household labor up to a fair level. If he still won’t do it, then I suggest a post-nup to protect your savings and so that you can effectively pay yourself for the additional work you do. |
Anonymous
| It sounds like he's just lazy and DGAF because he knows you'll solve any problems his negligence creates. I would break up. |
Anonymous
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It is a tale as old as time.
1. Communicate clearly and often. Do not just suck it up. You will die a thousand deaths of resentment if you just do everything and act like everything is fine. A person who cares about you will try to work on these things. You are not asking too much. 2. Find everything in your life you can hand over to him where you truly will not care if the rope gets dropped. Examples I found in my own life...anything on exterior of home including lawn care. Cars. Anything technology related. I would walk through waist high grass to get to the bus if the car was broken down and come home and read my book if the cable was cut off and not give it a second thought. Find whatever your things are and truly mentally let go. 3. Don't clean up his messes. Forward him the note from the daycare. Better yet, have the daycare contacting him with regularity regrading the lapsed vaccinations. I guess he needs to get on the phone with your homeowners insurance and fix the issue. DON'T DO IT FOR HIM. |
Anonymous
| Why do you keep having more children with this man since you know the workload is going to fall on your shoulders? |
Anonymous
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Don’t have the second kid.
Seriously. Have an accident |
Anonymous
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He's secretly panicking about the baby and that causes him paralysis.
If you haven't tasked him with specific things very clearly, do it now. "Joe. Make her vaccination appointment. It is your job and I need you to get it done." |
Anonymous
You want to kill a baby because their Dad is incompetent on the home front? You are sick |
Anonymous
+100 |
Anonymous
| I will say that it will be much much harder with 2. Dh has to take point on more things and a lot more time with the oldest or you will break down. From experience, transition to 2 was harder than to 1 for us. Also, have him update the credit cards to pay the balance but also do alerts to emails as to what the balance is. |
Anonymous
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It is a tale as old as time. Men love to hide behind work because it's an excuse their wife cannot falsify.
You need to really get in his face about it. Do not let him slack off or avoid the conversation. It may feel like nagging, and it may feel like too much effort, and it will make him angry and defensive. But drawing some hard lines right here, right now, will save your marriage in the long run. Communicate to him that it's about reliability. Tell him you need to be able to count on him that he will do what he says he will do. Tell him you're not able to pick up his slack. Tell him either he steps up and is reliable, or you will make a marriage counseling appointment. |
Anonymous
| You've taught him over and over that you will catch the balls he drops. Now you need to break that pattern. Since you're the one who allowed the bad habit, and you're the one who wants to change things, you need to communicate it VERY clearly to him. He doesn't get it. |
Anonymous
| I’m sorry OP, i am in same boat. Welcome to the patriarchy and systemic imbalance. I have focused on making admin more efficient: i block all 3 kids doctors visits on same day to synchronize, regardless of actual birthdays; hire a weekly babysitter; block out times on my work outlook for family admin/ date planning/ vacation planning. I have found nagging ineffective and frustrating, so chose to spend time getting stuff done. I think the painful part is feeling like you are not a priority. It does come back though. Children notice and punish an absent parent. That can be a wakeup call. They also know who to come to to rely on when they are older. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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I just do the admin work. I don't have a good solution. DH also has ADHD but is very successful at work (I make more money), so clearly he can do well when he wants to. I make all the appointments and make him take the kids. He also has to do all drop offs and has lists of tasks he has to do. He does all of that willingly and no issues. He likes being my employee I guess.
It's the labor that requires thought and foresight that he can't do. He can't make the appointments ahead of time. He can't remember to pay bills or shop for insurance. It annoys me that this stuff is called "admin work" because that makes it sound like it's easy secretarial work. It's more like the family manager type work. |
Anonymous
No He’s not thinking a damn thing. Except about himself. He gosh darn went and got married and made kids but never adapts or grows or steps up for the new adult situation. Who cares why? He cannot or will not behave like an adult spouse or parent or home owner. Absolutely get therapy and start getting him aware of normal expectations. He needs to grow up and step up. But if instead he gets angry and mad at you, buckle up…. You also may have married a bonafide A-hole whose mommy raised him to do nothing and to believe he’s better than everyone else. Especially women. |