Please help - Husband who only prioritizes job

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Husband goes to work. Work pays husband. Husband pays people to keep house. Don't skip the last stuff.

You might discover that husband can't afford whatever toys he thought he could afford.

> Today I discovered that our homeowners insurance has lapsed, and we didn't pay the full balance on 2 credit cards (we have the cash but autopay is set for minimums) out of negligence, and we unnecessarily paid interest.

Stop going out of your way to create problems for yourself.

OP, set things up so this does not happen again. Power struggles and poor communication with DH will not get important bills paid. Automate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have enough to pay off your card balance each month then just set it in autopay for the full amount. My home and auto insurance also get billed to my credit card so I don’t have to worry about paying them on time.

This, set up systems and automate.

When you take kid to the doctor, make the next appointment while there.

2 kids and older kids are a LOT more admin. Play to your strengths OP or know you will end up divorced and 100% responsible, with a LOT less money. You may end up paying him child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a tired tale as old as time; my DH of 10 years is great at his job and prioritizes his job, and he is not a true partner on the home front, in particular around anything that requires organization, planning, or mental energy.

I am currently 14 weeks pregnant, and I have been very sick and unable to pick up his slack like I normally do. He in theory pays physically pays our bills (I am the higher earner in our marriage and we share finances), but I participate and watch our finances carefully. The past couple of months I have been out of commission. Today I discovered that our homeowners insurance has lapsed, and we didn't pay the full balance on 2 credit cards (we have the cash but autopay is set for minimums) out of negligence, and we unnecessarily paid interest.

My husband is supposed to be the one making my 3 year old daughter's doctor's appointments etc. but again, normally I am watching and he if fails to follow through I remind him or I just do it myself. A few days ago I received a note from her daycare that her immunizations are out of date, which lead me to realize that he never made her 3 year old well visit.

I could go on and on....

Please don't tell me that he has ADHD or is on the spectrum. Maybe that's true, who knows, but if so he "masks" perfectly well at work. If he is ever going to do whatever it takes to improve this situation, he has to WANT to give our home life the same attention he gives his work life to make it run smoothly.

He is a tenured professor, and he is constantly collaborating with people all over the world on complex projects that require a lot of back and forth; he won't even reliably use and update a family google calendar with me.

These past several months he has been hyper-focused on several work projects when I needed him most to help me during the 1st trimester, and I am really pissed off about it. He has tenure, and NONE of this projects needed to progress at a fast pace (he works in a theoretical field and is not dealing with a lab or any time sensitive elements). He CHOOSES to prioritize his career above the basic needs of his family, and I don't know what to do because I am not happy at all about this.

I work a hard job at which I can get fired at any time, and I still manage to fit home admin into my day during lunchtime etc. Why does he refuse to the same and how can this be improved?

Lots of PPs have been pointing out useful perspectives on his inability to shoulder his portion of the household burden, and you have legitimate frustration that they’re helping with.

For balance I’d like to point out that you use the word “tenured” twice and that his projects aren’t urgent, and contrast this with your can-lose-my-job needs. These things are true but you sound like you’re dismissive of his work. Tenured faculty are often under *tremendous* pressure to do more, accomplish more, bring in more grants, lead more collaborations, speak at more conferences. Saying that he’s tenured and has no urgent projects might be true, but it might also be not recognizing that during most of his waking hours the things that regularly *demand* his attention aren’t paying bills and taking a kid to a checkup.

This is OP. What working adult doesn’t have work demands all day everyday? We all have to set boundaries with our work to keep our lives running.

I think I emphasized tenure twice because before tenure I was told that his hyper focus on work was due to true urgency and need, but post tenure nothing has changed.

It has been the pattern, and as you note, it is not changing. Yet, you decided to have another child.

You need to fix the situation and acknowledge that admin duties delegated to him cannot be relied on without your involvement anyway. So, set up your family life with him as is or divorce and run things 100% yourself. Those are the only choices you have control over.

[Anonymous]

OP i hear this over and over. At the end of the day men deeply believe that this is women’s work. They might not verbalize it but they don’t feel bad when they fail to do these things because at the end of the day they view anything they do as a bonus and going above and beyond. So many men were raised to believe that all they have to do is have a job and not be abusive. So they think they deserve adoration for anything more regardless of whether you work or whatever.

I don’t know why it’s so crazy to flip your thinking to oh there are these things that really have to happen (and I would think doctors appointments and paying bills would be relatively uncontroversial) and I should do half. But apparently it just doesn’t happen.

Do the important stuff yourself. Put the optional stuff on him. I also tried to put my DH in charge of the well visit (both my kids see specialists so this felt relatively low importance compared to some other appointments) and he didn’t and didn’t and didn’t until I did it. And now our pediatrician won’t let us get back on schedule so every year my oldest has their physical multiple months late. I have to do other vaccines at separate appointments. I am so frustrated every time I think about it. It just wasn’t important enough for him to spend the 10 minutes to make the call. I don’t know. It’s frustrating.

[Anonymous]

OP, it’s the patriarchy.

I have a wonderful husband who has had the same sexist jerk for a boss for 15 years. Every single time he has done anything for our family while at work- take a phone call from school, take PTO for a school event or due to a kid being sick- his boss publicly shames him in front of his coworkers, one of whom is a Dink by choice. This same boss has had at least one affair with a colleague’s wife. Spouse is currently interviewing for the umpteenth time in the hopes that he can work for a boss who won’t shame him for being a father and a man who doesn’t cheat.

As long as men like this are running our organizations, we are all powerless to change the culture.