Please help - Husband who only prioritizes job

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a tired tale as old as time; my DH of 10 years is great at his job and prioritizes his job, and he is not a true partner on the home front, in particular around anything that requires organization, planning, or mental energy.

I am currently 14 weeks pregnant, and I have been very sick and unable to pick up his slack like I normally do. He in theory pays physically pays our bills (I am the higher earner in our marriage and we share finances), but I participate and watch our finances carefully. The past couple of months I have been out of commission. Today I discovered that our homeowners insurance has lapsed, and we didn't pay the full balance on 2 credit cards (we have the cash but autopay is set for minimums) out of negligence, and we unnecessarily paid interest.

My husband is supposed to be the one making my 3 year old daughter's doctor's appointments etc. but again, normally I am watching and he if fails to follow through I remind him or I just do it myself. A few days ago I received a note from her daycare that her immunizations are out of date, which lead me to realize that he never made her 3 year old well visit.

I could go on and on....

Please don't tell me that he has ADHD or is on the spectrum. Maybe that's true, who knows, but if so he "masks" perfectly well at work. If he is ever going to do whatever it takes to improve this situation, he has to WANT to give our home life the same attention he gives his work life to make it run smoothly.

He is a tenured professor, and he is constantly collaborating with people all over the world on complex projects that require a lot of back and forth; he won't even reliably use and update a family google calendar with me.

These past several months he has been hyper-focused on several work projects when I needed him most to help me during the 1st trimester, and I am really pissed off about it. He has tenure, and NONE of this projects needed to progress at a fast pace (he works in a theoretical field and is not dealing with a lab or any time sensitive elements). He CHOOSES to prioritize his career above the basic needs of his family, and I don't know what to do because I am not happy at all about this.

I work a hard job at which I can get fired at any time, and I still manage to fit home admin into my day during lunchtime etc. Why does he refuse to the same and how can this be improved?

Lots of PPs have been pointing out useful perspectives on his inability to shoulder his portion of the household burden, and you have legitimate frustration that they’re helping with.

For balance I’d like to point out that you use the word “tenured” twice and that his projects aren’t urgent, and contrast this with your can-lose-my-job needs. These things are true but you sound like you’re dismissive of his work. Tenured faculty are often under *tremendous* pressure to do more, accomplish more, bring in more grants, lead more collaborations, speak at more conferences. Saying that he’s tenured and has no urgent projects might be true, but it might also be not recognizing that during most of his waking hours the things that regularly *demand* his attention aren’t paying bills and taking a kid to a checkup.

[Anonymous]

OP- you need to find a way to make peace with or “fix” this situation, because household “admin” only grows with time as your kids get older. Think: sports practice, music lessons, days off from school, summer camp registration with crazy deadlines that you need to sync with other families, play dates, needing to bring random stuff to school for projects, spirit week, etc. it doesn’t end.

For me, I just take care of that stuff because my spouse isn’t gonna take initiative. But my spouse does other stuff that he’s the lead on and I’m good with not thinking about: making lunches, grocery shopping, dinner, buying all our toiletries, anything relating to the house/car/ yard work. He will also take specific assignments- call dentist and make an appointment for a day you can do. I don’t mind the delegation; how different is that from my day job anyway?

[Anonymous]

When you try to talk to him about these lapses and failures, what does he say? What does he say about the doctor's appointment? What does he say about the insurance?

I can certainly understand why you feel the need to watch and make sure things happen. I wonder how he feels about that. Does he appreciate the oversight, knowing that he can be lax about detail because you'll remind him? Is this a weaponized incompetence situation, where he resents micromanagement and f*cks up intentionally in order to get out of tasks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t make enough to outsource anything

He’s one of those over educated absent minded professor types who don’t do well in the real world and get paid peanuts once they finally graduate in their mid 30s.

Yet he is "great at his job"?

This is me, and that wasn’t me.
My DH is not absentminded, and he is objectively great at his job, including the admin aspects of his job such as organizing conferences down to arranging to have the foot catered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a tired tale as old as time; my DH of 10 years is great at his job and prioritizes his job, and he is not a true partner on the home front, in particular around anything that requires organization, planning, or mental energy.

I am currently 14 weeks pregnant, and I have been very sick and unable to pick up his slack like I normally do. He in theory pays physically pays our bills (I am the higher earner in our marriage and we share finances), but I participate and watch our finances carefully. The past couple of months I have been out of commission. Today I discovered that our homeowners insurance has lapsed, and we didn't pay the full balance on 2 credit cards (we have the cash but autopay is set for minimums) out of negligence, and we unnecessarily paid interest.

My husband is supposed to be the one making my 3 year old daughter's doctor's appointments etc. but again, normally I am watching and he if fails to follow through I remind him or I just do it myself. A few days ago I received a note from her daycare that her immunizations are out of date, which lead me to realize that he never made her 3 year old well visit.

I could go on and on....

Please don't tell me that he has ADHD or is on the spectrum. Maybe that's true, who knows, but if so he "masks" perfectly well at work. If he is ever going to do whatever it takes to improve this situation, he has to WANT to give our home life the same attention he gives his work life to make it run smoothly.

He is a tenured professor, and he is constantly collaborating with people all over the world on complex projects that require a lot of back and forth; he won't even reliably use and update a family google calendar with me.

These past several months he has been hyper-focused on several work projects when I needed him most to help me during the 1st trimester, and I am really pissed off about it. He has tenure, and NONE of this projects needed to progress at a fast pace (he works in a theoretical field and is not dealing with a lab or any time sensitive elements). He CHOOSES to prioritize his career above the basic needs of his family, and I don't know what to do because I am not happy at all about this.

I work a hard job at which I can get fired at any time, and I still manage to fit home admin into my day during lunchtime etc. Why does he refuse to the same and how can this be improved?

Lots of PPs have been pointing out useful perspectives on his inability to shoulder his portion of the household burden, and you have legitimate frustration that they’re helping with.

For balance I’d like to point out that you use the word “tenured” twice and that his projects aren’t urgent, and contrast this with your can-lose-my-job needs. These things are true but you sound like you’re dismissive of his work. Tenured faculty are often under *tremendous* pressure to do more, accomplish more, bring in more grants, lead more collaborations, speak at more conferences. Saying that he’s tenured and has no urgent projects might be true, but it might also be not recognizing that during most of his waking hours the things that regularly *demand* his attention aren’t paying bills and taking a kid to a checkup.

This is OP. What working adult doesn’t have work demands all day everyday? We all have to set boundaries with our work to keep our lives running.

I think I emphasized tenure twice because before tenure I was told that his hyper focus on work was due to true urgency and need, but post tenure nothing has changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a tired tale as old as time; my DH of 10 years is great at his job and prioritizes his job, and he is not a true partner on the home front, in particular around anything that requires organization, planning, or mental energy.

I am currently 14 weeks pregnant, and I have been very sick and unable to pick up his slack like I normally do. He in theory pays physically pays our bills (I am the higher earner in our marriage and we share finances), but I participate and watch our finances carefully. The past couple of months I have been out of commission. Today I discovered that our homeowners insurance has lapsed, and we didn't pay the full balance on 2 credit cards (we have the cash but autopay is set for minimums) out of negligence, and we unnecessarily paid interest.

My husband is supposed to be the one making my 3 year old daughter's doctor's appointments etc. but again, normally I am watching and he if fails to follow through I remind him or I just do it myself. A few days ago I received a note from her daycare that her immunizations are out of date, which lead me to realize that he never made her 3 year old well visit.

I could go on and on....

Please don't tell me that he has ADHD or is on the spectrum. Maybe that's true, who knows, but if so he "masks" perfectly well at work. If he is ever going to do whatever it takes to improve this situation, he has to WANT to give our home life the same attention he gives his work life to make it run smoothly.

He is a tenured professor, and he is constantly collaborating with people all over the world on complex projects that require a lot of back and forth; he won't even reliably use and update a family google calendar with me.

These past several months he has been hyper-focused on several work projects when I needed him most to help me during the 1st trimester, and I am really pissed off about it. He has tenure, and NONE of this projects needed to progress at a fast pace (he works in a theoretical field and is not dealing with a lab or any time sensitive elements). He CHOOSES to prioritize his career above the basic needs of his family, and I don't know what to do because I am not happy at all about this.

I work a hard job at which I can get fired at any time, and I still manage to fit home admin into my day during lunchtime etc. Why does he refuse to the same and how can this be improved?

Lots of PPs have been pointing out useful perspectives on his inability to shoulder his portion of the household burden, and you have legitimate frustration that they’re helping with.

For balance I’d like to point out that you use the word “tenured” twice and that his projects aren’t urgent, and contrast this with your can-lose-my-job needs. These things are true but you sound like you’re dismissive of his work. Tenured faculty are often under *tremendous* pressure to do more, accomplish more, bring in more grants, lead more collaborations, speak at more conferences. Saying that he’s tenured and has no urgent projects might be true, but it might also be not recognizing that during most of his waking hours the things that regularly *demand* his attention aren’t paying bills and taking a kid to a checkup.

Not really.

Professors are not profit generators for a uni. Unless they are very loud and flashy and lucrative real world experience. And that’s more common in medical schools, law schools and biz schools. Not glacial liberal arts personalities.

And if they are some geeked out arts & sciences niche and capitalist oriented, they’d be at a think tank. Has its own publisher too, and even planning, media & tv circuits, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t make enough to outsource anything

He’s one of those over educated absent minded professor types who don’t do well in the real world and get paid peanuts once they finally graduate in their mid 30s.

Yet he is "great at his job"?

This is me, and that wasn’t me.
My DH is not absentminded, and he is objectively great at his job, including the admin aspects of his job such as organizing conferences down to arranging to have the foot catered.

Well there you have it.

He cares about his work, ego and image at work considerably more than his wife, kids and homelife.

Actions speak louder than words.

He’s an a-hole.

[Anonymous]

How the f did he screw up home insurance? Isn’t it paid out of escrow as part of your mortgage. That’s a huge deal, no home insurance and you are in violation of your mortgage contract and the full balance could be called immediately. WTAF??

It’s true pre tenure is like startup life, trying to make it over the cliff. No idea why he hasn’t adjust since other than selfish.

Call your credit cards, they will likely waive interest is you only did it once, strongly play that pregnancy card! Maybe have him do it if he isn’t insufferable (you have to ask nicely it’s not a right).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a tired tale as old as time; my DH of 10 years is great at his job and prioritizes his job, and he is not a true partner on the home front, in particular around anything that requires organization, planning, or mental energy.

I am currently 14 weeks pregnant, and I have been very sick and unable to pick up his slack like I normally do. He in theory pays physically pays our bills (I am the higher earner in our marriage and we share finances), but I participate and watch our finances carefully. The past couple of months I have been out of commission. Today I discovered that our homeowners insurance has lapsed, and we didn't pay the full balance on 2 credit cards (we have the cash but autopay is set for minimums) out of negligence, and we unnecessarily paid interest.

My husband is supposed to be the one making my 3 year old daughter's doctor's appointments etc. but again, normally I am watching and he if fails to follow through I remind him or I just do it myself. A few days ago I received a note from her daycare that her immunizations are out of date, which lead me to realize that he never made her 3 year old well visit.

I could go on and on....

Please don't tell me that he has ADHD or is on the spectrum. Maybe that's true, who knows, but if so he "masks" perfectly well at work. If he is ever going to do whatever it takes to improve this situation, he has to WANT to give our home life the same attention he gives his work life to make it run smoothly.

He is a tenured professor, and he is constantly collaborating with people all over the world on complex projects that require a lot of back and forth; he won't even reliably use and update a family google calendar with me.

These past several months he has been hyper-focused on several work projects when I needed him most to help me during the 1st trimester, and I am really pissed off about it. He has tenure, and NONE of this projects needed to progress at a fast pace (he works in a theoretical field and is not dealing with a lab or any time sensitive elements). He CHOOSES to prioritize his career above the basic needs of his family, and I don't know what to do because I am not happy at all about this.

I work a hard job at which I can get fired at any time, and I still manage to fit home admin into my day during lunchtime etc. Why does he refuse to the same and how can this be improved?

Lots of PPs have been pointing out useful perspectives on his inability to shoulder his portion of the household burden, and you have legitimate frustration that they’re helping with.

For balance I’d like to point out that you use the word “tenured” twice and that his projects aren’t urgent, and contrast this with your can-lose-my-job needs. These things are true but you sound like you’re dismissive of his work. Tenured faculty are often under *tremendous* pressure to do more, accomplish more, bring in more grants, lead more collaborations, speak at more conferences. Saying that he’s tenured and has no urgent projects might be true, but it might also be not recognizing that during most of his waking hours the things that regularly *demand* his attention aren’t paying bills and taking a kid to a checkup.

DP. Ha, as if the working moms don’t also have “things that regularly *demand* attention” during our waking hours other than housework/kid work?? Do you even hear yourself?

And tenured professors have literally the most family friendly and flexible jobs in existence, so spare me. Yes they can have a lot to do, but they can (if they care) schedule their lives to make more than enough time for the homefront.

[Anonymous]

If you have enough to pay off your card balance each month then just set it in autopay for the full amount. My home and auto insurance also get billed to my credit card so I don’t have to worry about paying them on time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a tired tale as old as time; my DH of 10 years is great at his job and prioritizes his job, and he is not a true partner on the home front, in particular around anything that requires organization, planning, or mental energy.

I am currently 14 weeks pregnant, and I have been very sick and unable to pick up his slack like I normally do. He in theory pays physically pays our bills (I am the higher earner in our marriage and we share finances), but I participate and watch our finances carefully. The past couple of months I have been out of commission. Today I discovered that our homeowners insurance has lapsed, and we didn't pay the full balance on 2 credit cards (we have the cash but autopay is set for minimums) out of negligence, and we unnecessarily paid interest.

My husband is supposed to be the one making my 3 year old daughter's doctor's appointments etc. but again, normally I am watching and he if fails to follow through I remind him or I just do it myself. A few days ago I received a note from her daycare that her immunizations are out of date, which lead me to realize that he never made her 3 year old well visit.

I could go on and on....

Please don't tell me that he has ADHD or is on the spectrum. Maybe that's true, who knows, but if so he "masks" perfectly well at work. If he is ever going to do whatever it takes to improve this situation, he has to WANT to give our home life the same attention he gives his work life to make it run smoothly.

He is a tenured professor, and he is constantly collaborating with people all over the world on complex projects that require a lot of back and forth; he won't even reliably use and update a family google calendar with me.

These past several months he has been hyper-focused on several work projects when I needed him most to help me during the 1st trimester, and I am really pissed off about it. He has tenure, and NONE of this projects needed to progress at a fast pace (he works in a theoretical field and is not dealing with a lab or any time sensitive elements). He CHOOSES to prioritize his career above the basic needs of his family, and I don't know what to do because I am not happy at all about this.

I work a hard job at which I can get fired at any time, and I still manage to fit home admin into my day during lunchtime etc. Why does he refuse to the same and how can this be improved?

Lots of PPs have been pointing out useful perspectives on his inability to shoulder his portion of the household burden, and you have legitimate frustration that they’re helping with.

For balance I’d like to point out that you use the word “tenured” twice and that his projects aren’t urgent, and contrast this with your can-lose-my-job needs. These things are true but you sound like you’re dismissive of his work. Tenured faculty are often under *tremendous* pressure to do more, accomplish more, bring in more grants, lead more collaborations, speak at more conferences. Saying that he’s tenured and has no urgent projects might be true, but it might also be not recognizing that during most of his waking hours the things that regularly *demand* his attention aren’t paying bills and taking a kid to a checkup.

This is OP. What working adult doesn’t have work demands all day everyday? We all have to set boundaries with our work to keep our lives running.

I think I emphasized tenure twice because before tenure I was told that his hyper focus on work was due to true urgency and need, but post tenure nothing has changed.

Guess not!

He’s a selfish work addict, that’s all.

Hope he makes $1m gross a year or more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have enough to pay off your card balance each month then just set it in autopay for the full amount. My home and auto insurance also get billed to my credit card so I don’t have to worry about paying them on time.

Sorry, I misspoke. Homeowners is part of the mortgage payment. Auto and life insurance go on the credit card.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a tired tale as old as time; my DH of 10 years is great at his job and prioritizes his job, and he is not a true partner on the home front, in particular around anything that requires organization, planning, or mental energy.

I am currently 14 weeks pregnant, and I have been very sick and unable to pick up his slack like I normally do. He in theory pays physically pays our bills (I am the higher earner in our marriage and we share finances), but I participate and watch our finances carefully. The past couple of months I have been out of commission. Today I discovered that our homeowners insurance has lapsed, and we didn't pay the full balance on 2 credit cards (we have the cash but autopay is set for minimums) out of negligence, and we unnecessarily paid interest.

My husband is supposed to be the one making my 3 year old daughter's doctor's appointments etc. but again, normally I am watching and he if fails to follow through I remind him or I just do it myself. A few days ago I received a note from her daycare that her immunizations are out of date, which lead me to realize that he never made her 3 year old well visit.

I could go on and on....

Please don't tell me that he has ADHD or is on the spectrum. Maybe that's true, who knows, but if so he "masks" perfectly well at work. If he is ever going to do whatever it takes to improve this situation, he has to WANT to give our home life the same attention he gives his work life to make it run smoothly.

He is a tenured professor, and he is constantly collaborating with people all over the world on complex projects that require a lot of back and forth; he won't even reliably use and update a family google calendar with me.

These past several months he has been hyper-focused on several work projects when I needed him most to help me during the 1st trimester, and I am really pissed off about it. He has tenure, and NONE of this projects needed to progress at a fast pace (he works in a theoretical field and is not dealing with a lab or any time sensitive elements). He CHOOSES to prioritize his career above the basic needs of his family, and I don't know what to do because I am not happy at all about this.

I work a hard job at which I can get fired at any time, and I still manage to fit home admin into my day during lunchtime etc. Why does he refuse to the same and how can this be improved?

Lots of PPs have been pointing out useful perspectives on his inability to shoulder his portion of the household burden, and you have legitimate frustration that they’re helping with.

For balance I’d like to point out that you use the word “tenured” twice and that his projects aren’t urgent, and contrast this with your can-lose-my-job needs. These things are true but you sound like you’re dismissive of his work. Tenured faculty are often under *tremendous* pressure to do more, accomplish more, bring in more grants, lead more collaborations, speak at more conferences. Saying that he’s tenured and has no urgent projects might be true, but it might also be not recognizing that during most of his waking hours the things that regularly *demand* his attention aren’t paying bills and taking a kid to a checkup.

This is OP. What working adult doesn’t have work demands all day everyday? We all have to set boundaries with our work to keep our lives running.

I think I emphasized tenure twice because before tenure I was told that his hyper focus on work was due to true urgency and need, but post tenure nothing has changed.

Guess not!

He’s a selfish work addict, that’s all.

Hope he makes $1m gross a year or more.

A tenured professor? 😂😂😂

[Anonymous]

Weaponized incompetence. All you can do is hire help.

[Anonymous]

Tale as old as time, indeed, and like you, many of the wives in this predicament are out earning their husbands on top of it. It’s infuriating.

It feels like feminism has been such a joke for women. For single men, the dating market is like a giant free escort service. Then one day they decide they want to have a family and they have their pick of women who are way out of their league but are sick of looking and want kids. Then the kids come and they benefit from being “family men” living in houses with actual furniture and real meals but they don’t actually do any of the work, and they aren’t even expected to be the main breadwinner. What a farce.