Absolutely no sex drive…and minimal sexual attraction

[Anonymous]

We have a simple rule which is once a month or so each of us has to bring a fresh idea to our bedroom. Nothing completely crazy but our comfort zones have expanded. On the rare nights when our children aren’t with us things can get pretty wild. Tantric massage is a favorite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a simple rule which is once a month or so each of us has to bring a fresh idea to our bedroom. Nothing completely crazy but our comfort zones have expanded. On the rare nights when our children aren’t with us things can get pretty wild. Tantric massage is a favorite.

What is your source for ideas?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a simple rule which is once a month or so each of us has to bring a fresh idea to our bedroom. Nothing completely crazy but our comfort zones have expanded. On the rare nights when our children aren’t with us things can get pretty wild. Tantric massage is a favorite.

What is your source for ideas?

Just Google great sex ideas and a million things come up. A lot of it is too kinky for us but there are plenty of really fun ideas. We will sometimes do the “research” together and laugh our heads off at some of the ideas. Dressing up in SM gear is definitely not for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The classic uninterested wife in a sexless marriage scenario. Fortunately this is a very well studied topic across the globe, EVERY possible solution has been thoroughly considered, and all of this comes down to just 3 options: get a divorce; start having sex twice per week; grant him a hall pass (so he need not continue "sneaking around" for the past 8 years). Knowing that there is no Option D, which of these 3 choices work best for you?

There is an option D, and it works well for me and my husband. We do exclusively non-PIV. Hand and mouth stuff on him. He is very happy. He gives me massages instead of anything sexual. It's a win-win!

Hands and oral sex is ... sex. So that would be Option C, and super glad this works for you!

Still, there is no Option D.

[Anonymous]

Have you had your hormones checked?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps maybe should be in the health section…? But read on…

40 year old woman

From 22-34 I had an amazing sex drive.

From 22-30, I had amazing sex with different partners. Fun times.

I got married, happily, at 30 to a man who is wonderful but definitely not wild in bed. We had standard sex but frequently for 2 years then our first child was born.

My sex drive never recovered after the birth of our first child 8 years ago. We never got back into it. My drive crashed, and I don’t feel crazy sexual attraction to my wonderful husband.

We’ve had 2 children since so we do have sex but now it’s VERY infrequently. My husband is so loving and faithful.

How can I get my groove back? I know I can’t get my 20s back, not with my husband at least…he likes sweet, tender sex and I prefer a bit more passionate and SLIGHTLY dirty.

Any kind advice (beyond “get therapy” which is obvious) would be helpful and I’ll take it to heart.

What does slightly dirty mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps maybe should be in the health section…? But read on…

40 year old woman

From 22-34 I had an amazing sex drive.

From 22-30, I had amazing sex with different partners. Fun times.

I got married, happily, at 30 to a man who is wonderful but definitely not wild in bed. We had standard sex but frequently for 2 years then our first child was born.

My sex drive never recovered after the birth of our first child 8 years ago. We never got back into it. My drive crashed, and I don’t feel crazy sexual attraction to my wonderful husband.

We’ve had 2 children since so we do have sex but now it’s VERY infrequently. My husband is so loving and faithful.

How can I get my groove back? I know I can’t get my 20s back, not with my husband at least…he likes sweet, tender sex and I prefer a bit more passionate and SLIGHTLY dirty.

Any kind advice (beyond “get therapy” which is obvious) would be helpful and I’ll take it to heart.

Are you sure he wants sweet, tender sex or is that what he thinks you want? Either tell him what you want or just show him the next time you have sex. I’m very much a girl next door type but in bed I can talk dirty and get very physical and my husband responds in kind.

[Anonymous]

Talk to your doctor and see if you need estrogen. And yeah, married friends tell me that this is pretty normal. But trust me, being single after 40 is more exciting sexually but it's not "better". Better to have a partner you care about and do what you can to make things more exciting. Sometimes you have to fake excitement at first to get into it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The classic uninterested wife in a sexless marriage scenario. Fortunately this is a very well studied topic across the globe, EVERY possible solution has been thoroughly considered, and all of this comes down to just 3 options: get a divorce; start having sex twice per week; grant him a hall pass (so he need not continue "sneaking around" for the past 8 years). Knowing that there is no Option D, which of these 3 choices work best for you?

There is an option D, and it works well for me and my husband. We do exclusively non-PIV. Hand and mouth stuff on him. He is very happy. He gives me massages instead of anything sexual. It's a win-win!

Glad this works for you! In my case DW has said no to options A, B, and D. I haven’t asked about C but don’t think it would go well. Anyone have an option E?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The classic uninterested wife in a sexless marriage scenario. Fortunately this is a very well studied topic across the globe, EVERY possible solution has been thoroughly considered, and all of this comes down to just 3 options: get a divorce; start having sex twice per week; grant him a hall pass (so he need not continue "sneaking around" for the past 8 years). Knowing that there is no Option D, which of these 3 choices work best for you?

There is an option D, and it works well for me and my husband. We do exclusively non-PIV. Hand and mouth stuff on him. He is very happy. He gives me massages instead of anything sexual. It's a win-win!

Glad this works for you! In my case DW has said no to options A, B, and D. I haven’t asked about C but don’t think it would go well. Anyone have an option E?

Magic Wand

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have your hormones checked. Could be perimenopause. If your hormones are low start HRT. It can make a huge difference.

I’m in perimenopause and it’s not that. Are you selling HRT?

The stuff in our heads is the problem, not our bodies.

NP. I suspect you're actually a man. Every person who has ever menstrated knows the impact hormones can have on our 'heads'.

[Anonymous]

thanks all (mostly all). SO much to think about…mostly, yeah those men in my 20s were great in bed but none of them stuck around…the best one didn’t want to get married and we broke up and he shattered my heart.

my husband is an amazing father and companion, as sad as that is to say…i don’t mean it to sound trite.

i will try harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The classic uninterested wife in a sexless marriage scenario. Fortunately this is a very well studied topic across the globe, EVERY possible solution has been thoroughly considered, and all of this comes down to just 3 options: get a divorce; start having sex twice per week; grant him a hall pass (so he need not continue "sneaking around" for the past 8 years). Knowing that there is no Option D, which of these 3 choices work best for you?

There is an option D, and it works well for me and my husband. We do exclusively non-PIV. Hand and mouth stuff on him. He is very happy. He gives me massages instead of anything sexual. It's a win-win!

Glad this works for you! In my case DW has said no to options A, B, and D. I haven’t asked about C but don’t think it would go well. Anyone have an option E?

Magic Wand

Yeah she bought one and it makes things worse.

[Anonymous]

This is going to sound really weird, but: Can your husband make himself less available to you? I had the same issue for a while after having my kid, with my husband always pursuing sex, then backing off and being neutral after we talked about the pressure I felt, but always interested. It always made me feel hunted/like there was something wrong with me for no longer having sexual desire. Turns out I just felt suffocated. The minute he started pretending to be disinterested (we did this as an experiment), there was room for my desire again and I got to be the pursuer.

We also realized we were both putting in way less effort and didn’t fully understand female sexual desire. Guys who go straight for the clit kind of ruin it. You need a long, slow buildup, touching anywhere but there until the woman is begging for it. Hope this helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:thanks all (mostly all). SO much to think about…mostly, yeah those men in my 20s were great in bed but none of them stuck around…the best one didn’t want to get married and we broke up and he shattered my heart.

my husband is an amazing father and companion, as sad as that is to say…i don’t mean it to sound trite.

i will try harder.

Once I was listening to a YouTube sex therapist who basically explained that the more sexual partners you have, the higher your expectations for sexual performance are and if your marriage partner doesn’t measure up to your best partner you basically have to deal with that disappointment forever. I was a little skeptical but it sounds like there was something to that!