Absolutely no sex drive…and minimal sexual attraction

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The qualities that make a good, stable husband and father are not, unfortunately, the qualities that women - by and large - find sexually desirable.

You are not going to encourage him to be an exciting bad boy - to attract the attention of other women and make you jealous, to spend time and money on things that make him attractive, to be unreliable in a way that creates exciting emotional swings. These things are all destabilizing to family life.

So, I don't know - read some erotica, use some toys, learn how to get your own motor running and then be intentional about using that energy on your husband.

Here is the answer, right here. I hate to say it. I am in my mid 30s, married for ten years, with a dead sex life. We have sex twice a week but I may or may not come, don’t find it super enjoyable, etc. My husband overall is decently nice tho- nice person, nice husband, but little self confidence and not a whole lot of outside the box thinking. Sex is vanilla and about function vs. pleasure. He has complained that because I am not in the mood often enough, essentially, I am the one killing our sex life. It takes me a lot to “get going” with him, lots of lube, etc. always fantasizing.

Well a couple of months ago, out at the bar, met a guy….did not go all the way or even close to it but let me tell you I haven’t been that wet in a decade. Sorry- judge me all you want.

I read something on DCUM last night- guys kill the relationship, but blame women for lack of intimacy.

I have never cheated on DH in our decade together but finally feeling free and open, I am reevaluating everything. Whether this means a divorce or not, who knows right now. But I also understand it has to do with stable, boring guys means that they don’t bring much excitement to the sexual table. But for years I thought it was solely a me problem.

Hang in there. I don’t think it’s you.

It is 100% a you problem.

[Anonymous]

I’m a woman with a high drive and it’s not really connected to DH. I have sex with DH because I want to have sex and he’s there. I read a lot of erotica, think about sex a lot, fantasize about all kinds of sex while having sex with DH. DH is nowhere near as dirty as I am but he’s a generous partner who is willing to do what he needs to do until I have an O. I am attractive and other men flirt with me and that gets me excited too. Any partner is going to get a bit boring after 10, 15, 20 years. Once in awhile we try a new position or something new and we both enjoy sex, but I enjoy it much more. I just enjoy being a sexual person and find sex to be a lot of fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The qualities that make a good, stable husband and father are not, unfortunately, the qualities that women - by and large - find sexually desirable.

You are not going to encourage him to be an exciting bad boy - to attract the attention of other women and make you jealous, to spend time and money on things that make him attractive, to be unreliable in a way that creates exciting emotional swings. These things are all destabilizing to family life.

So, I don't know - read some erotica, use some toys, learn how to get your own motor running and then be intentional about using that energy on your husband.

Here is the answer, right here. I hate to say it. I am in my mid 30s, married for ten years, with a dead sex life. We have sex twice a week but I may or may not come, don’t find it super enjoyable, etc. My husband overall is decently nice tho- nice person, nice husband, but little self confidence and not a whole lot of outside the box thinking. Sex is vanilla and about function vs. pleasure. He has complained that because I am not in the mood often enough, essentially, I am the one killing our sex life. It takes me a lot to “get going” with him, lots of lube, etc. always fantasizing.

Well a couple of months ago, out at the bar, met a guy….did not go all the way or even close to it but let me tell you I haven’t been that wet in a decade. Sorry- judge me all you want.

I read something on DCUM last night- guys kill the relationship, but blame women for lack of intimacy.

I have never cheated on DH in our decade together but finally feeling free and open, I am reevaluating everything. Whether this means a divorce or not, who knows right now. But I also understand it has to do with stable, boring guys means that they don’t bring much excitement to the sexual table. But for years I thought it was solely a me problem.

Hang in there. I don’t think it’s you.

As a stable boring vanilla guy like your DH, I’m mad and sad on his behalf. I bet he knows he’s not exciting in bed. Unlike him, I’ve been cheated on, more than once, and told it’s because she needed something more exciting. He’s probably not sure whether you have or not, and all this makes him sad. I’m mad on his behalf since this is half *your* problem. What can you do to help him be more what you want? He’s probably teachable. But in my experience women don’t want to put effort into training a guy, they just want him to be good or they’ll move on. And it’s not like you can get classes in this stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The classic uninterested wife in a sexless marriage scenario. Fortunately this is a very well studied topic across the globe, EVERY possible solution has been thoroughly considered, and all of this comes down to just 3 options: get a divorce; start having sex twice per week; grant him a hall pass (so he need not continue "sneaking around" for the past 8 years). Knowing that there is no Option D, which of these 3 choices work best for you?

Oh, here you are, right on cue. Yawwwwwwnnnnnn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The classic uninterested wife in a sexless marriage scenario. Fortunately this is a very well studied topic across the globe, EVERY possible solution has been thoroughly considered, and all of this comes down to just 3 options: get a divorce; start having sex twice per week; grant him a hall pass (so he need not continue "sneaking around" for the past 8 years). Knowing that there is no Option D, which of these 3 choices work best for you?

Oh, here you are, right on cue. Yawwwwwwnnnnnn.

Kinda like the constant stream of uninterested sexless wives who post threads here. About 5 new ones per week, right on cue. Is it spam from a bot? Total yawn! Maybe we can get this topic (and my correct answer) pinned to the home page and save us all the trouble?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The classic uninterested wife in a sexless marriage scenario. Fortunately this is a very well studied topic across the globe, EVERY possible solution has been thoroughly considered, and all of this comes down to just 3 options: get a divorce; start having sex twice per week; grant him a hall pass (so he need not continue "sneaking around" for the past 8 years). Knowing that there is no Option D, which of these 3 choices work best for you?

Oh, here you are, right on cue. Yawwwwwwnnnnnn.

Kinda like the constant stream of uninterested sexless wives who post threads here. About 5 new ones per week, right on cue. Is it spam from a bot? Total yawn! Maybe we can get this topic (and my correct answer) pinned to the home page and save us all the trouble?

I like that “bots!” Is your go-to response and not “this is common, let’s get to the bottom of it.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not your kid. It’s monogamy.

This. You got used to having multiple partners. We are our habits.

If it’s infrequent, don’t assume he isn’t having it elsewhere just because he’s sweet to you. I’m assuming he had partners before you, too.

You all need to talk to each other about the lack of or infrequent sex and you need to listen. Don’t talk about sex you’ve had with other men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The qualities that make a good, stable husband and father are not, unfortunately, the qualities that women - by and large - find sexually desirable.

You are not going to encourage him to be an exciting bad boy - to attract the attention of other women and make you jealous, to spend time and money on things that make him attractive, to be unreliable in a way that creates exciting emotional swings. These things are all destabilizing to family life.

So, I don't know - read some erotica, use some toys, learn how to get your own motor running and then be intentional about using that energy on your husband.

Here is the answer, right here. I hate to say it. I am in my mid 30s, married for ten years, with a dead sex life. We have sex twice a week but I may or may not come, don’t find it super enjoyable, etc. My husband overall is decently nice tho- nice person, nice husband, but little self confidence and not a whole lot of outside the box thinking. Sex is vanilla and about function vs. pleasure. He has complained that because I am not in the mood often enough, essentially, I am the one killing our sex life. It takes me a lot to “get going” with him, lots of lube, etc. always fantasizing.

Well a couple of months ago, out at the bar, met a guy….did not go all the way or even close to it but let me tell you I haven’t been that wet in a decade. Sorry- judge me all you want.

I read something on DCUM last night- guys kill the relationship, but blame women for lack of intimacy.

I have never cheated on DH in our decade together but finally feeling free and open, I am reevaluating everything. Whether this means a divorce or not, who knows right now. But I also understand it has to do with stable, boring guys means that they don’t bring much excitement to the sexual table. But for years I thought it was solely a me problem.

Hang in there. I don’t think it’s you.

As a stable boring vanilla guy like your DH, I’m mad and sad on his behalf. I bet he knows he’s not exciting in bed. Unlike him, I’ve been cheated on, more than once, and told it’s because she needed something more exciting. He’s probably not sure whether you have or not, and all this makes him sad. I’m mad on his behalf since this is half *your* problem. What can you do to help him be more what you want? He’s probably teachable. But in my experience women don’t want to put effort into training a guy, they just want him to be good or they’ll move on. And it’s not like you can get classes in this stuff.

I am the poster above you and it’s not half the wife’s problem- it’s all her problem. Of course getting new partners will make sex more enjoyable. Of course stability and boredom and the little resentments of life make sex less interesting. This is so obvious and not a solution to feeling uninterested in sex. I feel that too and I still want sex with my stable boring husband with his limited sexual repertoire. If I want something new I tell him. If I want something a certain way I tell him. But ultimately I want sex with him on my own without anything particular from him because I love him and I love being intimate with him.

[Anonymous]

Have your hormones checked. Could be perimenopause. If your hormones are low start HRT. It can make a huge difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have your hormones checked. Could be perimenopause. If your hormones are low start HRT. It can make a huge difference.

I’m in perimenopause and it’s not that. Are you selling HRT?

The stuff in our heads is the problem, not our bodies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The classic uninterested wife in a sexless marriage scenario. Fortunately this is a very well studied topic across the globe, EVERY possible solution has been thoroughly considered, and all of this comes down to just 3 options: get a divorce; start having sex twice per week; grant him a hall pass (so he need not continue "sneaking around" for the past 8 years). Knowing that there is no Option D, which of these 3 choices work best for you?

There is an option D, and it works well for me and my husband. We do exclusively non-PIV. Hand and mouth stuff on him. He is very happy. He gives me massages instead of anything sexual. It's a win-win!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The qualities that make a good, stable husband and father are not, unfortunately, the qualities that women - by and large - find sexually desirable.

You are not going to encourage him to be an exciting bad boy - to attract the attention of other women and make you jealous, to spend time and money on things that make him attractive, to be unreliable in a way that creates exciting emotional swings. These things are all destabilizing to family life.

So, I don't know - read some erotica, use some toys, learn how to get your own motor running and then be intentional about using that energy on your husband.

Here is the answer, right here. I hate to say it. I am in my mid 30s, married for ten years, with a dead sex life. We have sex twice a week but I may or may not come, don’t find it super enjoyable, etc. My husband overall is decently nice tho- nice person, nice husband, but little self confidence and not a whole lot of outside the box thinking. Sex is vanilla and about function vs. pleasure. He has complained that because I am not in the mood often enough, essentially, I am the one killing our sex life. It takes me a lot to “get going” with him, lots of lube, etc. always fantasizing.

Well a couple of months ago, out at the bar, met a guy….did not go all the way or even close to it but let me tell you I haven’t been that wet in a decade. Sorry- judge me all you want.

I read something on DCUM last night- guys kill the relationship, but blame women for lack of intimacy.

I have never cheated on DH in our decade together but finally feeling free and open, I am reevaluating everything. Whether this means a divorce or not, who knows right now. But I also understand it has to do with stable, boring guys means that they don’t bring much excitement to the sexual table. But for years I thought it was solely a me problem.

Hang in there. I don’t think it’s you.

As a stable boring vanilla guy like your DH, I’m mad and sad on his behalf. I bet he knows he’s not exciting in bed. Unlike him, I’ve been cheated on, more than once, and told it’s because she needed something more exciting. He’s probably not sure whether you have or not, and all this makes him sad. I’m mad on his behalf since this is half *your* problem. What can you do to help him be more what you want? He’s probably teachable. But in my experience women don’t want to put effort into training a guy, they just want him to be good or they’ll move on. And it’s not like you can get classes in this stuff.

You were cheated on because you misjudged the character of the person or people who cheated on you. Wanting more excitement is fine but that doesn't justify lies and deception. I mean, I want more money, does that mean I should steal it? No of course not. The desire itself is valid, but it is the means of fulfilling that desire that is the real issue.

This. You fell for someone who slept with guys who made demands of them when they were younger and then they got used to it. She also lacked character. It’s very common.

I have a friend I wish I could introduce you to. She’s 42. Damn. Keep looking.

Thanks! I know I’m partially responsible for what happens because I’m attracted to women who are edgier and more exciting than I am. So it shouldn’t be a surprise when they don’t find me exciting enough. I think what keeps them with me is my stability and calmness, but I get that this can be boring at times. Wish I knew how to be more exciting though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The qualities that make a good, stable husband and father are not, unfortunately, the qualities that women - by and large - find sexually desirable.

You are not going to encourage him to be an exciting bad boy - to attract the attention of other women and make you jealous, to spend time and money on things that make him attractive, to be unreliable in a way that creates exciting emotional swings. These things are all destabilizing to family life.

So, I don't know - read some erotica, use some toys, learn how to get your own motor running and then be intentional about using that energy on your husband.

Here is the answer, right here. I hate to say it. I am in my mid 30s, married for ten years, with a dead sex life. We have sex twice a week but I may or may not come, don’t find it super enjoyable, etc. My husband overall is decently nice tho- nice person, nice husband, but little self confidence and not a whole lot of outside the box thinking. Sex is vanilla and about function vs. pleasure. He has complained that because I am not in the mood often enough, essentially, I am the one killing our sex life. It takes me a lot to “get going” with him, lots of lube, etc. always fantasizing.

Well a couple of months ago, out at the bar, met a guy….did not go all the way or even close to it but let me tell you I haven’t been that wet in a decade. Sorry- judge me all you want.

I read something on DCUM last night- guys kill the relationship, but blame women for lack of intimacy.

I have never cheated on DH in our decade together but finally feeling free and open, I am reevaluating everything. Whether this means a divorce or not, who knows right now. But I also understand it has to do with stable, boring guys means that they don’t bring much excitement to the sexual table. But for years I thought it was solely a me problem.

Hang in there. I don’t think it’s you.

As a stable boring vanilla guy like your DH, I’m mad and sad on his behalf. I bet he knows he’s not exciting in bed. Unlike him, I’ve been cheated on, more than once, and told it’s because she needed something more exciting. He’s probably not sure whether you have or not, and all this makes him sad. I’m mad on his behalf since this is half *your* problem. What can you do to help him be more what you want? He’s probably teachable. But in my experience women don’t want to put effort into training a guy, they just want him to be good or they’ll move on. And it’s not like you can get classes in this stuff.

You were cheated on because you misjudged the character of the person or people who cheated on you. Wanting more excitement is fine but that doesn't justify lies and deception. I mean, I want more money, does that mean I should steal it? No of course not. The desire itself is valid, but it is the means of fulfilling that desire that is the real issue.

This. You fell for someone who slept with guys who made demands of them when they were younger and then they got used to it. She also lacked character. It’s very common.

I have a friend I wish I could introduce you to. She’s 42. Damn. Keep looking.

Thanks! I know I’m partially responsible for what happens because I’m attracted to women who are edgier and more exciting than I am. So it shouldn’t be a surprise when they don’t find me exciting enough. I think what keeps them with me is my stability and calmness, but I get that this can be boring at times. Wish I knew how to be more exciting though.

Beta blues.

[Anonymous]

What kind of birth control are you on? If it’s hormonal, that could be contributing to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get some lube, some very sexy lingerie, look him straight in the eye, and tell him: "I want you to fxxcm me in my axxhhole."

Hey honest wife here👋 I tried this the other day and let’s just say I got destroyed (literally😏) he gave me a preview of a very white winter😘 I recommend it to everyone!