Absolutely no sex drive…and minimal sexual attraction

[Anonymous]

The classic uninterested wife in a sexless marriage scenario. Fortunately this is a very well studied topic across the globe, EVERY possible solution has been thoroughly considered, and all of this comes down to just 3 options: get a divorce; start having sex twice per week; grant him a hall pass (so he need not continue "sneaking around" for the past 8 years). Knowing that there is no Option D, which of these 3 choices work best for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The classic uninterested wife in a sexless marriage scenario. Fortunately this is a very well studied topic across the globe, EVERY possible solution has been thoroughly considered, and all of this comes down to just 3 options: get a divorce; start having sex twice per week; grant him a hall pass (so he need not continue "sneaking around" for the past 8 years). Knowing that there is no Option D, which of these 3 choices work best for you?

So classic as to be more common than not (ie - MOST marriages).

But there are more than just those 3 options, PP.

[Anonymous]

You had a kid, “drive crashed” THEN had *2 more kids* and are now in your 40s and dissatisfied?

Your poor family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The classic uninterested wife in a sexless marriage scenario. Fortunately this is a very well studied topic across the globe, EVERY possible solution has been thoroughly considered, and all of this comes down to just 3 options: get a divorce; start having sex twice per week; grant him a hall pass (so he need not continue "sneaking around" for the past 8 years). Knowing that there is no Option D, which of these 3 choices work best for you?

This post is the winner. No amount of “do more chores! Take her dancing!” nonsense. Really those are the three best options.

Mine will be divorce, once the kids are a bit older. I’m looking to the future hopefully. Honestly, people wallow in sadness for so long. Fck it. You know what I mean? If your wife wants to be a mean, hostile, shrew all the time. Fck it. Get your finances squared away as best as possible for the future now. Then go on all the dating sites once you’re free and just look to fk your brains out with new people. Life is short.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The classic uninterested wife in a sexless marriage scenario. Fortunately this is a very well studied topic across the globe, EVERY possible solution has been thoroughly considered, and all of this comes down to just 3 options: get a divorce; start having sex twice per week; grant him a hall pass (so he need not continue "sneaking around" for the past 8 years). Knowing that there is no Option D, which of these 3 choices work best for you?

So classic as to be more common than not (ie - MOST marriages).

But there are more than just those 3 options, PP.

I’m sure they have to do with the low libido partner making all the effort and sacrifices for crumbs.

[Anonymous]

op, this is going to sound pretty basic and cliché, but please read Come as You Are, if you haven’t. It’s not actually new science, but it does explain the differences between spontaneous and responsive desire. While I knew the issue (and kind of disliked the book), the repetition that I was normal was helpful. Also, the validation that I needed to be an *active participant* in my own sex life was helpful.

I’m maybe like you. I’m not in the mood almost ever, despite a healthy “libido” in the past. I think I described it on another post recently that I’d almost rather scrub grout some days and think I’d have the same satisfaction.

That said, I know I enjoy it once I’m on board, so I decided to lean into it a little. I listen to podcasts, erotica, whatever. We have toys which help things lean towards me having a “happy ending” even if I’m not initially into it. I try to weave a lot of things into the day. It honestly helps. Some days, it feels like a chore, but it has greater benefit than most chores as it makes me feel good in the end, and DH feels happier and more connected.

You’re normal, and it’s hard. It’s feels like one more chore, and that’s hard. I get it. But weigh the cost benefit. Little things can make a lot of difference though.

(I’d have answered more, but wanted to keep it readable).

[Anonymous]

How is your relationship with your husband? Any resentment on your part?

[Anonymous]

The qualities that make a good, stable husband and father are not, unfortunately, the qualities that women - by and large - find sexually desirable.

You are not going to encourage him to be an exciting bad boy - to attract the attention of other women and make you jealous, to spend time and money on things that make him attractive, to be unreliable in a way that creates exciting emotional swings. These things are all destabilizing to family life.

So, I don't know - read some erotica, use some toys, learn how to get your own motor running and then be intentional about using that energy on your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op, this is going to sound pretty basic and cliché, but please read Come as You Are, if you haven’t. It’s not actually new science, but it does explain the differences between spontaneous and responsive desire. While I knew the issue (and kind of disliked the book), the repetition that I was normal was helpful. Also, the validation that I needed to be an *active participant* in my own sex life was helpful.

I’m maybe like you. I’m not in the mood almost ever, despite a healthy “libido” in the past. I think I described it on another post recently that I’d almost rather scrub grout some days and think I’d have the same satisfaction.

That said, I know I enjoy it once I’m on board, so I decided to lean into it a little. I listen to podcasts, erotica, whatever. We have toys which help things lean towards me having a “happy ending” even if I’m not initially into it. I try to weave a lot of things into the day. It honestly helps. Some days, it feels like a chore, but it has greater benefit than most chores as it makes me feel good in the end, and DH feels happier and more connected.

You’re normal, and it’s hard. It’s feels like one more chore, and that’s hard. I get it. But weigh the cost benefit. Little things can make a lot of difference though.

(I’d have answered more, but wanted to keep it readable).

This is a very kind and helpful reply. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

After about 20 years our sex life was infrequent and unexciting. My husband didn’t complain but I really wanted to spice things up. A GF suggested some toys so the first thing I bought was a pair of handcuffs. My husband was like HUH and he said ok but I told him he needed to wear them, not me. I really had my way with him and it worked wonders for me and for him. Since then we’ve added a few other fun things and it’s been transformative for the past eight years. Getting out of one’s comfort zone can be very healthy.

[Anonymous]

Low dose, female-appropriate dosage of testosterone cream can be very effective for hypoactive sexual desire disorder

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After about 20 years our sex life was infrequent and unexciting. My husband didn’t complain but I really wanted to spice things up. A GF suggested some toys so the first thing I bought was a pair of handcuffs. My husband was like HUH and he said ok but I told him he needed to wear them, not me. I really had my way with him and it worked wonders for me and for him. Since then we’ve added a few other fun things and it’s been transformative for the past eight years. Getting out of one’s comfort zone can be very healthy.

We didn’t use toys but becoming empty nesters really turned things around for us. Before that we were always very conscious of teens being around. Now we can be sitting on the couch together and things happen and before long we are all over each other. The spontaneity really helps too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The qualities that make a good, stable husband and father are not, unfortunately, the qualities that women - by and large - find sexually desirable.

You are not going to encourage him to be an exciting bad boy - to attract the attention of other women and make you jealous, to spend time and money on things that make him attractive, to be unreliable in a way that creates exciting emotional swings. These things are all destabilizing to family life.

So, I don't know - read some erotica, use some toys, learn how to get your own motor running and then be intentional about using that energy on your husband.

Here is the answer, right here. I hate to say it. I am in my mid 30s, married for ten years, with a dead sex life. We have sex twice a week but I may or may not come, don’t find it super enjoyable, etc. My husband overall is decently nice tho- nice person, nice husband, but little self confidence and not a whole lot of outside the box thinking. Sex is vanilla and about function vs. pleasure. He has complained that because I am not in the mood often enough, essentially, I am the one killing our sex life. It takes me a lot to “get going” with him, lots of lube, etc. always fantasizing.

Well a couple of months ago, out at the bar, met a guy….did not go all the way or even close to it but let me tell you I haven’t been that wet in a decade. Sorry- judge me all you want.

I read something on DCUM last night- guys kill the relationship, but blame women for lack of intimacy.

I have never cheated on DH in our decade together but finally feeling free and open, I am reevaluating everything. Whether this means a divorce or not, who knows right now. But I also understand it has to do with stable, boring guys means that they don’t bring much excitement to the sexual table. But for years I thought it was solely a me problem.

Hang in there. I don’t think it’s you.

[Anonymous]

I’m a SAHM and I got into the habit of dressing like a SAHM - ease and comfort. There was nothing about the way I looked that would have gotten attention from a construction worker. Now, before my husband gets home I clean up, brush my hair and wear something comfortable but attractive. Very often now my husband says how pretty I look and that sets a very nice tone for the evening. And that tone can lead to other things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yet another thread full of selfish, entitled women who use denial of sex as a form of psychological sadism on the boring husbands they deliberately chose for their stability and skill as providers...out of resentment, laziness, whatever...and always blaming it on someone other than themselves...but then as soon as they meet some guy who makes them wet they are contemplating divorce. What a crowd of unselfaware spoiled selfish skanks.

I second this comment, right on target.