Absolutely no sex drive…and minimal sexual attraction

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:thanks all (mostly all). SO much to think about…mostly, yeah those men in my 20s were great in bed but none of them stuck around…the best one didn’t want to get married and we broke up and he shattered my heart.

my husband is an amazing father and companion, as sad as that is to say…i don’t mean it to sound trite.

i will try harder.

Once I was listening to a YouTube sex therapist who basically explained that the more sexual partners you have, the higher your expectations for sexual performance are and if your marriage partner doesn’t measure up to your best partner you basically have to deal with that disappointment forever. I was a little skeptical but it sounds like there was something to that!

Chasing the Dragon, like a drug addict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps maybe should be in the health section…? But read on…

40 year old woman

From 22-34 I had an amazing sex drive.

From 22-30, I had amazing sex with different partners. Fun times.

I got married, happily, at 30 to a man who is wonderful but definitely not wild in bed. We had standard sex but frequently for 2 years then our first child was born.

My sex drive never recovered after the birth of our first child 8 years ago. We never got back into it. My drive crashed, and I don’t feel crazy sexual attraction to my wonderful husband.

We’ve had 2 children since so we do have sex but now it’s VERY infrequently. My husband is so loving and faithful.

How can I get my groove back? I know I can’t get my 20s back, not with my husband at least…he likes sweet, tender sex and I prefer a bit more passionate and SLIGHTLY dirty.

Any kind advice (beyond “get therapy” which is obvious) would be helpful and I’ll take it to heart.

rose toy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps maybe should be in the health section…? But read on…

40 year old woman

From 22-34 I had an amazing sex drive.

From 22-30, I had amazing sex with different partners. Fun times.

I got married, happily, at 30 to a man who is wonderful but definitely not wild in bed. We had standard sex but frequently for 2 years then our first child was born.

My sex drive never recovered after the birth of our first child 8 years ago. We never got back into it. My drive crashed, and I don’t feel crazy sexual attraction to my wonderful husband.

We’ve had 2 children since so we do have sex but now it’s VERY infrequently. My husband is so loving and faithful.

How can I get my groove back? I know I can’t get my 20s back, not with my husband at least…he likes sweet, tender sex and I prefer a bit more passionate and SLIGHTLY dirty.

Any kind advice (beyond “get therapy” which is obvious) would be helpful and I’ll take it to heart.

Two words - Rose toy.

[Anonymous]

When our kids were young we had “ tired” sex that was not very fulfilling. It didn’t last very long and I rarely had an O and I was very frustrated. After many years we finally took a child free vacation to a beautiful resort in the Caribbean and before going we agreed that sex was going to be a big part of our trip and I said the wilder the better. That got my DHs attention as I was not a wild person. We had so much fun discovering how to really turn each other on and ever since then our love life has been great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not your kid. It’s monogamy.

It's not monogamy. It's biology.

[Anonymous]

OP, talk to your doctor about your hormone levels. This is really simple biology. It will happen at perimenopause too. Or you might be in early peri.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When our kids were young we had “ tired” sex that was not very fulfilling. It didn’t last very long and I rarely had an O and I was very frustrated. After many years we finally took a child free vacation to a beautiful resort in the Caribbean and before going we agreed that sex was going to be a big part of our trip and I said the wilder the better. That got my DHs attention as I was not a wild person. We had so much fun discovering how to really turn each other on and ever since then our love life has been great.

We know that hotel sex is always great sex! I like hotels. If someone in the next room hears us I know it’s not one of my children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:thanks all (mostly all). SO much to think about…mostly, yeah those men in my 20s were great in bed but none of them stuck around…the best one didn’t want to get married and we broke up and he shattered my heart.

my husband is an amazing father and companion, as sad as that is to say…i don’t mean it to sound trite.

i will try harder.

Once I was listening to a YouTube sex therapist who basically explained that the more sexual partners you have, the higher your expectations for sexual performance are and if your marriage partner doesn’t measure up to your best partner you basically have to deal with that disappointment forever. I was a little skeptical but it sounds like there was something to that!

Agree with this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:thanks all (mostly all). SO much to think about…mostly, yeah those men in my 20s were great in bed but none of them stuck around…the best one didn’t want to get married and we broke up and he shattered my heart.

my husband is an amazing father and companion, as sad as that is to say…i don’t mean it to sound trite.

i will try harder.

Once I was listening to a YouTube sex therapist who basically explained that the more sexual partners you have, the higher your expectations for sexual performance are and if your marriage partner doesn’t measure up to your best partner you basically have to deal with that disappointment forever. I was a little skeptical but it sounds like there was something to that!

My best sex partner had nothing to offer but that. My husband couldn’t measure up to that initially but over time he knew exactly what buttons to push.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:thanks all (mostly all). SO much to think about…mostly, yeah those men in my 20s were great in bed but none of them stuck around…the best one didn’t want to get married and we broke up and he shattered my heart.

my husband is an amazing father and companion, as sad as that is to say…i don’t mean it to sound trite.

i will try harder.

Once I was listening to a YouTube sex therapist who basically explained that the more sexual partners you have, the higher your expectations for sexual performance are and if your marriage partner doesn’t measure up to your best partner you basically have to deal with that disappointment forever. I was a little skeptical but it sounds like there was something to that!

My best sex partner had nothing to offer but that. My husband couldn’t measure up to that initially but over time he knew exactly what buttons to push.

YOUR husband was willing and able to learn and do whatever you needed. Some men can’t or won’t- and maybe they are totally great husbands despite that! But their wives just have to deal with the fact that previous partners may have just been better lovers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:thanks all (mostly all). SO much to think about…mostly, yeah those men in my 20s were great in bed but none of them stuck around…the best one didn’t want to get married and we broke up and he shattered my heart.

my husband is an amazing father and companion, as sad as that is to say…i don’t mean it to sound trite.

i will try harder.

Once I was listening to a YouTube sex therapist who basically explained that the more sexual partners you have, the higher your expectations for sexual performance are and if your marriage partner doesn’t measure up to your best partner you basically have to deal with that disappointment forever. I was a little skeptical but it sounds like there was something to that!

Chasing the Dragon, like a drug addict.

OP would likely have gotten sick that guy, too. It happens. You just need to find ways to keep it interesting for all involved. But it will be hard to recreate the excitement of those single-life relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:thanks all (mostly all). SO much to think about…mostly, yeah those men in my 20s were great in bed but none of them stuck around…the best one didn’t want to get married and we broke up and he shattered my heart.

my husband is an amazing father and companion, as sad as that is to say…i don’t mean it to sound trite.

i will try harder.

Once I was listening to a YouTube sex therapist who basically explained that the more sexual partners you have, the higher your expectations for sexual performance are and if your marriage partner doesn’t measure up to your best partner you basically have to deal with that disappointment forever. I was a little skeptical but it sounds like there was something to that!

My best sex partner had nothing to offer but that. My husband couldn’t measure up to that initially but over time he knew exactly what buttons to push.

YOUR husband was willing and able to learn and do whatever you needed. Some men can’t or won’t- and maybe they are totally great husbands despite that! But their wives just have to deal with the fact that previous partners may have just been better lovers.

For some women, the qualities that make a good husband also make them less sexually satisfying to that woman. It's not that the good husband just so happens to lack that special sexual ingredient. Rather, the woman can't get excited about a stable, thoughtful, dependable guy. Mistreatment, uncertainty, and distance create emotional energy that is released in a pleasurable way through sex. A good husband can't match that without becoming a bad husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The classic uninterested wife in a sexless marriage scenario. Fortunately this is a very well studied topic across the globe, EVERY possible solution has been thoroughly considered, and all of this comes down to just 3 options: get a divorce; start having sex twice per week; grant him a hall pass (so he need not continue "sneaking around" for the past 8 years). Knowing that there is no Option D, which of these 3 choices work best for you?

There is an option D, and it works well for me and my husband. We do exclusively non-PIV. Hand and mouth stuff on him. He is very happy. He gives me massages instead of anything sexual. It's a win-win!

Glad this works for you! In my case DW has said no to options A, B, and D. I haven’t asked about C but don’t think it would go well. Anyone have an option E?

There is no Option D (what PP mentions is just a flavor of option B) nor is there an option E nor any other options but those 3.
Option C is not something you "ask" her about, rather it's a decision that YOU make and merely inform her about. Don't worry she would never divorce you over something unimportant (to her) like sex I mean that would be outrageously hypocritical of her ... show her to the door so she can leave her marriage over some utterly trivial thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps maybe should be in the health section…? But read on…

40 year old woman

From 22-34 I had an amazing sex drive.

From 22-30, I had amazing sex with different partners. Fun times.

I got married, happily, at 30 to a man who is wonderful but definitely not wild in bed. We had standard sex but frequently for 2 years then our first child was born.

My sex drive never recovered after the birth of our first child 8 years ago. We never got back into it. My drive crashed, and I don’t feel crazy sexual attraction to my wonderful husband.

We’ve had 2 children since so we do have sex but now it’s VERY infrequently. My husband is so loving and faithful.

How can I get my groove back? I know I can’t get my 20s back, not with my husband at least…he likes sweet, tender sex and I prefer a bit more passionate and SLIGHTLY dirty.

Any kind advice (beyond “get therapy” which is obvious) would be helpful and I’ll take it to heart.

Lots of good suggestions so far (and a few bad ones; even mean-spirited ones).

Just hope you found a way out of this problem OP! Hugs!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not your kid. It’s monogamy.

OP, you're 40; are you still on hormonal birth control? The pill or otherwise? Hormonal BC can really suppress libido in some women. Even if you were on BC before, when you were having lots of great sex, changes in your body and/or in your BC prescription could be affecting you. Of course there can be many other factors, but first I would try ruling BC in or out as a factor, so you at least know if that's part of the problem or not; if it is the issue, it's pretty easily fixable; if it's not part of the problem, at least you'll have ruled it out and can move to looking at what else is going on. See your gynecologist, stat, and discuss. In fact, whether or not you are on hormonal BC at all, see your gynecologist and discuss this. (From a woman for whom the pill really killed libido, so yeah, it can happen)