Teenager refusing to have contact with relatives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I would not let my son skip family holidays so he can hole up in his room with video games. Find a compromise - go for fewer days, or go only for Christmas but not Thanksgiving. Spend a few hours with the family and then go for a walk, or bring him back to the hotel to relax, or take him to run an errand to give him a break. If they are local, just spend one day with family, that leaves plenty of time for him to relax at home.

This is a good chance to push him out of his comfort zone a little bit in preparation for the real world. He doesn’t have to do every activity every day with all the other cousins all the time, but he should do some. Maybe he can bring a puzzle or some other low-key game he can do with one or two people. He can also make conversation with adults about things that interest him.

I have an introverted child in a family of all extroverts, and we are working with her on going with the flow and being open to new things. But mainly telling her that sometimes her shyness/introversion comes off as rudeness. She is learning ways to interact with people on her own terms, instead of defaulting to sitting alone in the corner. One day she may need to attend a professional conference or go to networking events.

Why does she have to go with the flow and not the other way around? He interacts with people, he has friends, he is fine with DH' side of the family. I just wish they would let it go. I am an extrovert and I do't see anything wrong if someone wants to sit in their corner and just read a book. At most I'll ask what they are reading. I like my brothers and sisters, we've been through thick and thin, but I wish they would just let it go.

Sitting at a holiday celebration reading a book in the corner shows poor social skills. You may not have a problem with that, but rude is how the vast majority of the world will view that behavior. We are talking Thanksgiving dinner, not a week at the beach.

[Anonymous]

Well now they reacted that way, I would not go, because they're being rude and I wouldn't want to teach them that treating me that way will yield results.

But prior to that, I would have tried to persuade my son that it's worth his while going, and maybe compromised on a shortened time spent at the event. Maybe for next year, if your family expresses some sort of regret for how strongly they reacted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I would not let my son skip family holidays so he can hole up in his room with video games. Find a compromise - go for fewer days, or go only for Christmas but not Thanksgiving. Spend a few hours with the family and then go for a walk, or bring him back to the hotel to relax, or take him to run an errand to give him a break. If they are local, just spend one day with family, that leaves plenty of time for him to relax at home.

This is a good chance to push him out of his comfort zone a little bit in preparation for the real world. He doesn’t have to do every activity every day with all the other cousins all the time, but he should do some. Maybe he can bring a puzzle or some other low-key game he can do with one or two people. He can also make conversation with adults about things that interest him.

I have an introverted child in a family of all extroverts, and we are working with her on going with the flow and being open to new things. But mainly telling her that sometimes her shyness/introversion comes off as rudeness. She is learning ways to interact with people on her own terms, instead of defaulting to sitting alone in the corner. One day she may need to attend a professional conference or go to networking events.

Why does she have to go with the flow and not the other way around? He interacts with people, he has friends, he is fine with DH' side of the family. I just wish they would let it go. I am an extrovert and I do't see anything wrong if someone wants to sit in their corner and just read a book. At most I'll ask what they are reading. I like my brothers and sisters, we've been through thick and thin, but I wish they would just let it go.

Sitting at a holiday celebration reading a book in the corner shows poor social skills. You may not have a problem with that, but rude is how the vast majority of the world will view that behavior. We are talking Thanksgiving dinner, not a week at the beach.

That was me at every family event, and I've turned out just the way I like, with a small circle of friends living a quiet life. I have a good relationship with my elderly relatives at whose dinners I read. My kids went through phases were they, too, brought books to read at certain events. It has never been a problem.

You're very petty and narrow-minded, PP.

[Anonymous]

where

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is DS? What is it that you want your parents and siblings to understand?

Are there special needs at play?

15 yo DS. No special needs, just an introverted boy with a small circle of friends who share his interests. My parents want him to be "like them". "Why doesn't Larlo ever do this (play a sport, watch a game,play with his cousins, talk to his cousins)". Just a long list of "why is he like this?" I tried explaining what being an introvert is like and they don't seem to get it. I want them to understand that it is OK to not always wanting to be around people. They see him as being rude, "he treats us with disdain".

How far away are your parents?

I don’t know how I feel about enabling a teen to skip a family holiday to play video games. I think it’s worthwhile to teach kids that sometimes we have to make an effort for family (and vice versa.)

I can’t tell if he’s objecting to a week of intense travel and sleeping on the living room floor on a flimsy air mattress or if he doesn’t even want to spend a couple hours having dinner with grandparents 20 minutes away. The two are not the same at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I would not let my son skip family holidays so he can hole up in his room with video games. Find a compromise - go for fewer days, or go only for Christmas but not Thanksgiving. Spend a few hours with the family and then go for a walk, or bring him back to the hotel to relax, or take him to run an errand to give him a break. If they are local, just spend one day with family, that leaves plenty of time for him to relax at home.

This is a good chance to push him out of his comfort zone a little bit in preparation for the real world. He doesn’t have to do every activity every day with all the other cousins all the time, but he should do some. Maybe he can bring a puzzle or some other low-key game he can do with one or two people. He can also make conversation with adults about things that interest him.

I have an introverted child in a family of all extroverts, and we are working with her on going with the flow and being open to new things. But mainly telling her that sometimes her shyness/introversion comes off as rudeness. She is learning ways to interact with people on her own terms, instead of defaulting to sitting alone in the corner. One day she may need to attend a professional conference or go to networking events.

Why does she have to go with the flow and not the other way around? He interacts with people, he has friends, he is fine with DH' side of the family. I just wish they would let it go. I am an extrovert and I do't see anything wrong if someone wants to sit in their corner and just read a book. At most I'll ask what they are reading. I like my brothers and sisters, we've been through thick and thin, but I wish they would just let it go.

Sitting at a holiday celebration reading a book in the corner shows poor social skills. You may not have a problem with that, but rude is how the vast majority of the world will view that behavior. We are talking Thanksgiving dinner, not a week at the beach.

Why is it OK for my nieces and nephews to run around the house or watch TV and yet when DS sits with his book he gets picked on. I see his point of view. As far as his social skills, he's perfectly fine with his friends, he is engaged. It's OK not to be into something or someone and I respect that. I don't think relationships should be forced even within the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I would not let my son skip family holidays so he can hole up in his room with video games. Find a compromise - go for fewer days, or go only for Christmas but not Thanksgiving. Spend a few hours with the family and then go for a walk, or bring him back to the hotel to relax, or take him to run an errand to give him a break. If they are local, just spend one day with family, that leaves plenty of time for him to relax at home.

This is a good chance to push him out of his comfort zone a little bit in preparation for the real world. He doesn’t have to do every activity every day with all the other cousins all the time, but he should do some. Maybe he can bring a puzzle or some other low-key game he can do with one or two people. He can also make conversation with adults about things that interest him.

I have an introverted child in a family of all extroverts, and we are working with her on going with the flow and being open to new things. But mainly telling her that sometimes her shyness/introversion comes off as rudeness. She is learning ways to interact with people on her own terms, instead of defaulting to sitting alone in the corner. One day she may need to attend a professional conference or go to networking events.

Why does she have to go with the flow and not the other way around? He interacts with people, he has friends, he is fine with DH' side of the family. I just wish they would let it go. I am an extrovert and I do't see anything wrong if someone wants to sit in their corner and just read a book. At most I'll ask what they are reading. I like my brothers and sisters, we've been through thick and thin, but I wish they would just let it go.

Sitting at a holiday celebration reading a book in the corner shows poor social skills. You may not have a problem with that, but rude is how the vast majority of the world will view that behavior. We are talking Thanksgiving dinner, not a week at the beach.

You're going to drive her away if you keep treating her like a leper because she isn't as extroverted as the rest of the family. It's a lot easier to just accept children as they are rather than try to make them into your mini-me...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is DS? What is it that you want your parents and siblings to understand?

Are there special needs at play?

15 yo DS. No special needs, just an introverted boy with a small circle of friends who share his interests. My parents want him to be "like them". "Why doesn't Larlo ever do this (play a sport, watch a game,play with his cousins, talk to his cousins)". Just a long list of "why is he like this?" I tried explaining what being an introvert is like and they don't seem to get it. I want them to understand that it is OK to not always wanting to be around people. They see him as being rude, "he treats us with disdain".

How far away are your parents?

I don’t know how I feel about enabling a teen to skip a family holiday to play video games. I think it’s worthwhile to teach kids that sometimes we have to make an effort for family (and vice versa.)

I can’t tell if he’s objecting to a week of intense travel and sleeping on the living room floor on a flimsy air mattress or if he doesn’t even want to spend a couple hours having dinner with grandparents 20 minutes away. The two are not the same at all.

It's a 3-4 hour drive for us. We usually stay with one of my siblings who has a huge house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I would not let my son skip family holidays so he can hole up in his room with video games. Find a compromise - go for fewer days, or go only for Christmas but not Thanksgiving. Spend a few hours with the family and then go for a walk, or bring him back to the hotel to relax, or take him to run an errand to give him a break. If they are local, just spend one day with family, that leaves plenty of time for him to relax at home.

This is a good chance to push him out of his comfort zone a little bit in preparation for the real world. He doesn’t have to do every activity every day with all the other cousins all the time, but he should do some. Maybe he can bring a puzzle or some other low-key game he can do with one or two people. He can also make conversation with adults about things that interest him.

I have an introverted child in a family of all extroverts, and we are working with her on going with the flow and being open to new things. But mainly telling her that sometimes her shyness/introversion comes off as rudeness. She is learning ways to interact with people on her own terms, instead of defaulting to sitting alone in the corner. One day she may need to attend a professional conference or go to networking events.

Why does she have to go with the flow and not the other way around? He interacts with people, he has friends, he is fine with DH' side of the family. I just wish they would let it go. I am an extrovert and I do't see anything wrong if someone wants to sit in their corner and just read a book. At most I'll ask what they are reading. I like my brothers and sisters, we've been through thick and thin, but I wish they would just let it go.

Sitting at a holiday celebration reading a book in the corner shows poor social skills. You may not have a problem with that, but rude is how the vast majority of the world will view that behavior. We are talking Thanksgiving dinner, not a week at the beach.

That was me at every family event, and I've turned out just the way I like, with a small circle of friends living a quiet life. I have a good relationship with my elderly relatives at whose dinners I read. My kids went through phases were they, too, brought books to read at certain events. It has never been a problem.

You're very petty and narrow-minded, PP.

Doing what you want when you want seems far more petty and narrow-minded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is DS? What is it that you want your parents and siblings to understand?

Are there special needs at play?

15 yo DS. No special needs, just an introverted boy with a small circle of friends who share his interests. My parents want him to be "like them". "Why doesn't Larlo ever do this (play a sport, watch a game,play with his cousins, talk to his cousins)". Just a long list of "why is he like this?" I tried explaining what being an introvert is like and they don't seem to get it. I want them to understand that it is OK to not always wanting to be around people. They see him as being rude, "he treats us with disdain".

How far away are your parents?

I don’t know how I feel about enabling a teen to skip a family holiday to play video games. I think it’s worthwhile to teach kids that sometimes we have to make an effort for family (and vice versa.)

I can’t tell if he’s objecting to a week of intense travel and sleeping on the living room floor on a flimsy air mattress or if he doesn’t even want to spend a couple hours having dinner with grandparents 20 minutes away. The two are not the same at all.

The video thing gets me, too. If he didn’t want to be at a circus where he feels targeted, that’s understandable. But if the alternate to that is holing up to play video games instead of engaging with his immediate family on Thanksgiving, that sounds like a family where the kid gets to run the show.

[Anonymous]

Okay - there's a lot to unpack here.

Let's start with - you're the parent. If you agreed with your child that what was best for your family was to stay home for the holidays this year, then that's what you should do. Why are you considering caving because you parents are throwing a tantrum and name calling? If you just didn't want to upset your child, and now you don't know what to do because you also don't want to upset you parents, then you really need to grow a backbone. You're the parent, you decide what makes the most sense, and if those around you are going to tantrum, then so be it. It seems to me, that since you told your son you were staying home, and you were fine with that, you shouldn't change your mind because your parents are being dillweeds.

But further on than that, let's talk more about these visits. Are they nearby enough that they're a day visit? Or do you have to travel? I think it's worth finding a way (long term, not necessarily this year) to teach your introverted child how to spend time with relatives, and stand up for your child with your relatives to make the trip more pleasant. What that looks like depends on the details - but if it's a day trip, you make it short. If it's an overnight, you build in times during the trip when your son gets time to himself. Frequent, lengthy times. Remember - in just about 10 short years, YOU will be the relatives that your son won't always want to visit for holidays. Finding ways to have family relationships even when you're an introvert is a valuable skill for your son (and I say this as an introvert myself). Does he have his own space on these trips? I think, particularly since you're (pending the previous paragraph) standing up to your family and staying home this year as he wants, you have some latitude to talk to him and troubleshoot together how to make these visits manageable for him in the future.

Also (it's hard to tell from your description) make sure that he isn't being rude or treating them poorly. A good rule of thumb is less time, but behave well during it. I'd much rather my kid sit and chat nicely with grandma for an hour at dinner, then run and hide in the room he's staying in for the rest of the night reading and playing video games, than grump through four hours of forced family togetherness. Now, at 14, his social skills aren't going to be fabulous and that's okay, but he's old enough to survive a couple of annoying "so how's school?" conversations and help with the dishes.

And lastly - what's with the way your relatives treat him? They're repeatedly asking "why is he like this?" in a negative tone?? And you're... trying to explain introversion to them? No! Try, "Excuse me? Larlo is perfect exactly as he is!" You need to stand up for your kid here, and start reinforcing the message that treating a relative with distain is hurtful and unacceptable. And if they CAN'T treat him well - then yeah, stop seeing them and tell them exactly why!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I would not let my son skip family holidays so he can hole up in his room with video games. Find a compromise - go for fewer days, or go only for Christmas but not Thanksgiving. Spend a few hours with the family and then go for a walk, or bring him back to the hotel to relax, or take him to run an errand to give him a break. If they are local, just spend one day with family, that leaves plenty of time for him to relax at home.

This is a good chance to push him out of his comfort zone a little bit in preparation for the real world. He doesn’t have to do every activity every day with all the other cousins all the time, but he should do some. Maybe he can bring a puzzle or some other low-key game he can do with one or two people. He can also make conversation with adults about things that interest him.

I have an introverted child in a family of all extroverts, and we are working with her on going with the flow and being open to new things. But mainly telling her that sometimes her shyness/introversion comes off as rudeness. She is learning ways to interact with people on her own terms, instead of defaulting to sitting alone in the corner. One day she may need to attend a professional conference or go to networking events.

Why does she have to go with the flow and not the other way around? He interacts with people, he has friends, he is fine with DH' side of the family. I just wish they would let it go. I am an extrovert and I do't see anything wrong if someone wants to sit in their corner and just read a book. At most I'll ask what they are reading. I like my brothers and sisters, we've been through thick and thin, but I wish they would just let it go.

Sitting at a holiday celebration reading a book in the corner shows poor social skills. You may not have a problem with that, but rude is how the vast majority of the world will view that behavior. We are talking Thanksgiving dinner, not a week at the beach.

You're going to drive her away if you keep treating her like a leper because she isn't as extroverted as the rest of the family. It's a lot easier to just accept children as they are rather than try to make them into your mini-me...

Having expectations of a minimal amount of socializing is a far cry from treating someone like a leper. I like to curl up with a good book as much as any introvert, but I was also raised to recognize that my needs and wants need to be tempered -the same as anybody else’s. That is how we live in community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is DS? What is it that you want your parents and siblings to understand?

Are there special needs at play?

15 yo DS. No special needs, just an introverted boy with a small circle of friends who share his interests. My parents want him to be "like them". "Why doesn't Larlo ever do this (play a sport, watch a game,play with his cousins, talk to his cousins)". Just a long list of "why is he like this?" I tried explaining what being an introvert is like and they don't seem to get it. I want them to understand that it is OK to not always wanting to be around people. They see him as being rude, "he treats us with disdain".

How far away are your parents?

I don’t know how I feel about enabling a teen to skip a family holiday to play video games. I think it’s worthwhile to teach kids that sometimes we have to make an effort for family (and vice versa.)

I can’t tell if he’s objecting to a week of intense travel and sleeping on the living room floor on a flimsy air mattress or if he doesn’t even want to spend a couple hours having dinner with grandparents 20 minutes away. The two are not the same at all.

The video thing gets me, too. If he didn’t want to be at a circus where he feels targeted, that’s understandable. But if the alternate to that is holing up to play video games instead of engaging with his immediate family on Thanksgiving, that sounds like a family where the kid gets to run the show.

He is engaging with his immediate family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I would not let my son skip family holidays so he can hole up in his room with video games. Find a compromise - go for fewer days, or go only for Christmas but not Thanksgiving. Spend a few hours with the family and then go for a walk, or bring him back to the hotel to relax, or take him to run an errand to give him a break. If they are local, just spend one day with family, that leaves plenty of time for him to relax at home.

This is a good chance to push him out of his comfort zone a little bit in preparation for the real world. He doesn’t have to do every activity every day with all the other cousins all the time, but he should do some. Maybe he can bring a puzzle or some other low-key game he can do with one or two people. He can also make conversation with adults about things that interest him.

I have an introverted child in a family of all extroverts, and we are working with her on going with the flow and being open to new things. But mainly telling her that sometimes her shyness/introversion comes off as rudeness. She is learning ways to interact with people on her own terms, instead of defaulting to sitting alone in the corner. One day she may need to attend a professional conference or go to networking events.

Why does she have to go with the flow and not the other way around? He interacts with people, he has friends, he is fine with DH' side of the family. I just wish they would let it go. I am an extrovert and I do't see anything wrong if someone wants to sit in their corner and just read a book. At most I'll ask what they are reading. I like my brothers and sisters, we've been through thick and thin, but I wish they would just let it go.

Sitting at a holiday celebration reading a book in the corner shows poor social skills. You may not have a problem with that, but rude is how the vast majority of the world will view that behavior. We are talking Thanksgiving dinner, not a week at the beach.

That was me at every family event, and I've turned out just the way I like, with a small circle of friends living a quiet life. I have a good relationship with my elderly relatives at whose dinners I read. My kids went through phases were they, too, brought books to read at certain events. It has never been a problem.

You're very petty and narrow-minded, PP.

Doing what you want when you want seems far more petty and narrow-minded.

This is not what I said, and you know it. So stop trolling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you travel every year out of obligation and from your post would actually like to just have a chill Thanksgiving. Your son isn’t refusing to ever have contact, he is requesting that you all get off the obligation train where no one gets good sleep or enjoys themselves.

Their nasty reaction speaks volumes as to what kind of people they must be like for a week!

Just repeat telling your family that you and DH have some crazy work obligations and DS has some intense classes. You won’t be traveling this year. If they yell and insult you, hang up.

You can’t make them understand especially if their go to response is fit throwing, yelling and name calling. Let them stew and be mad. They own their reactions, you own yours.

Have a blissfully peaceful Thanksgiving.

What a terrible response. Did you even read the original post? OP already has told the family her son has no interest in seeing them. How do you expect them to react? It’s too late to lie as you are proposing.

DCUM is so f_cked up when it comes to coddling kids and treating extended family like garbage. Had OP said “my teenaged son hates my ILs and wants to kill them” I swear most of you would egg them on.