DH and I at odds over children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's not going to have an epiphany over the weekend. That was his way of blowing you off. Your choices are go off birth control or get a divorce. In fact I would say "I am going off birth control as my personal choice. If you choose to have sex with me, be aware I may become pregnant. If that is a problem for you, I understand if you need anything file for divorce."

What a batshit crazy thing to say

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry OP, but if he’s not sure he wants even one child, the answer is no. I know you’ve been hoping he would come around to the idea of having a child because that would be the easiest, most convenient option, but it isn’t happening. Divorce totally sucks. Raising a child alone is challenging. Who knows how long it will take you to find a partner who is on board? Never experiencing parenthood might be heartbreaking to you. You have some very hard choices to make. One way or the other, you’re in for some heartbreak. You need to figure out the least devastating option and pursue it. I feel for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. There is absolutely no way I would ever stop birth control without DH’s consent.

He didn't consult with you in changing his mind about a pretty important pre-marital discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not going to have an epiphany over the weekend. That was his way of blowing you off. Your choices are go off birth control or get a divorce. In fact I would say "I am going off birth control as my personal choice. If you choose to have sex with me, be aware I may become pregnant. If that is a problem for you, I understand if you need anything file for divorce."

I’ve seen this advice on here before and it’s absolutely bonkers.

People are allowed to change their mind about kids. Kids are a huge f’ing deal. People who act flippant about the decision to have kids are not the kind of people you want to have kids with. I don’t know any men who are particularly happy with their marriages and lives post kids (the nicer husbands accept it, but aren’t happy about it). It is rational for men to be wary about this decision.

On the flip side, op is entitled to use the info and make her own decisions.

But don’t stop using BC. You’re insane if you do that.

WTF?? My marriage and three kids are the best things that have ever happened to me, followed closely by being born to great parents. I don’t deserve what I have, but I’m definitely extremely happy about it.

I agree but I recognize kids have reduced the frequency of sex, make it harder for me to advance my career (though it can help if you have a SAHM and just give lip service to being a modern dad), and exhaust me in so many ways.

Best thing in life but not an easy thing. Likely OP DH values sex and career and freedom higher than happy dads.

Welcome to the world of all women. Most of whom don't have the benefit of having a SAHM as a partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not going to have an epiphany over the weekend. That was his way of blowing you off. Your choices are go off birth control or get a divorce. In fact I would say "I am going off birth control as my personal choice. If you choose to have sex with me, be aware I may become pregnant. If that is a problem for you, I understand if you need anything file for divorce."

I’ve seen this advice on here before and it’s absolutely bonkers.

People are allowed to change their mind about kids. Kids are a huge f’ing deal. People who act flippant about the decision to have kids are not the kind of people you want to have kids with. I don’t know any men who are particularly happy with their marriages and lives post kids (the nicer husbands accept it, but aren’t happy about it). It is rational for men to be wary about this decision.

On the flip side, op is entitled to use the info and make her own decisions.

But don’t stop using BC. You’re insane if you do that.

WTF?? My marriage and three kids are the best things that have ever happened to me, followed closely by being born to great parents. I don’t deserve what I have, but I’m definitely extremely happy about it.

I agree but I recognize kids have reduced the frequency of sex, make it harder for me to advance my career (though it can help if you have a SAHM and just give lip service to being a modern dad), and exhaust me in so many ways.

Best thing in life but not an easy thing. Likely OP DH values sex and career and freedom higher than happy dads.

Welcome to the world of all women. Most of whom don't have the benefit of having a SAHM as a partner.

Sorry meant to say "world of all mothers."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not going to have an epiphany over the weekend. That was his way of blowing you off. Your choices are go off birth control or get a divorce. In fact I would say "I am going off birth control as my personal choice. If you choose to have sex with me, be aware I may become pregnant. If that is a problem for you, I understand if you need anything file for divorce."

I’ve seen this advice on here before and it’s absolutely bonkers.

People are allowed to change their mind about kids. Kids are a huge f’ing deal. People who act flippant about the decision to have kids are not the kind of people you want to have kids with. I don’t know any men who are particularly happy with their marriages and lives post kids (the nicer husbands accept it, but aren’t happy about it). It is rational for men to be wary about this decision.

On the flip side, op is entitled to use the info and make her own decisions.

But don’t stop using BC. You’re insane if you do that.

WTF?? My marriage and three kids are the best things that have ever happened to me, followed closely by being born to great parents. I don’t deserve what I have, but I’m definitely extremely happy about it.

My dh is much happier post kids. He was made to be a dad.

Um...hooray for him? That doensn't help OP. And if you're somehow saying she should do an "oops" baby and expect her DH will love having kids once a kid is actually in the world, well, you're incredibly naive. He might. Or he might hate being a dad. Your experience is nice, but it's not necessarily helpful to OP.

Ok but PP is responding to the idea that men are rarely happy to be parents. In my experience men are happier than women in parenthood.

Lol, no

Again, projection. I’m sorry you’re miserable.

[Anonymous]

Get a divorce immediately. Move out this week.

Tell him today you need an answer. If the waffles, you are done.

You don't want to have a child with someone who does not want a kid.

Situation reverses. He changed his mind and made it happen. Stayed for years after this unplanned pregnancy. Eventually divorced. I am extremely unhappy. I never wanted to do this. My kid has a great life and my expense. I am very unhappy. You can love a kid and not want to be a parent. That is me. It feels like prison. Someone who does not want a kid does not want a kid. He thought I would magically be okay with it once the kid was born. No, it just made me hate him. Love the kid, hate him, resent my life.

Find someone you are compatible with.

[Anonymous]

I would meet with an attorney before following up with your husband. You need to know how to prepare before you tell your husband that you are divorcing him. If your husband agrees to have a baby all you have done is spent a modest sum smartly.

[Anonymous]

I would phone to make appts with attorneys and let him know when the first one is-advise you are proceeding full steam ahead if he doesn’t convince you he is on board with kids before then. Eff that guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been fighting for years over having kids. We dated for 3 years before getting married and always said we have kids. Then we we got married he changed his mind. I’m now 33 and don’t want to wait any longer. I told I needed to know if we could have at least one kid or I have to divorce. He said he would think about everything over the weekend.

Often times when he is thinking about hard topics, he fails to ever get back to me. What is a kind way to give gentle reminder? Or if I don’t hear from him by the weekend should I just move on?

He has already answered you. Time to move on.

[Anonymous]

OP - how many years ago did you marry, and for how long has this been a "fight"?

What other "hard topics" has be failed to get back to you on, and what did you do (or not do) in response?

[Anonymous]

I left my first husband over similar.

I went on to get pregnant and marry an abusive AH. In hindsight, 1st husband wasn't all that bad. I wouldn't do anything hasty. Just wait and see hoe he treats you. Invest your energy into your bond if he is a good guy. Start to fret at 36.

[Anonymous]

I am always fascinated by women who are willing to divorce to have a baby. Presumably you loved your DH a ton to marry them and commit to spending your life with them. And now you’d rather not have that person in your life for the theoretical baby that doesn’t yet exist?

If you’re willing to divorce over this, I’m guessing you weren’t that into your DH when you married, and saw it as transactional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am always fascinated by women who are willing to divorce to have a baby. Presumably you loved your DH a ton to marry them and commit to spending your life with them. And now you’d rather not have that person in your life for the theoretical baby that doesn’t yet exist?

If you’re willing to divorce over this, I’m guessing you weren’t that into your DH when you married, and saw it as transactional.

What an asinine take. If someone wants kids, they want kids. If DH changes his mind and doesn’t want kids, why should a woman stick around?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am always fascinated by women who are willing to divorce to have a baby. Presumably you loved your DH a ton to marry them and commit to spending your life with them. And now you’d rather not have that person in your life for the theoretical baby that doesn’t yet exist?

If you’re willing to divorce over this, I’m guessing you weren’t that into your DH when you married, and saw it as transactional.

Husband said he wanted kids and changed his mind. Maybe it was transactional for him. He just wanted a mommy to take care of him and sleep with him without the responsibility of kids.