Post nup after wife starts earning more

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does he say when you tell him you feel resentful that you carry the weight of the families financial goals? Why doesn’t he care to save for college? Is there a path for him to make more money in his field? If he’s taken advantage of you with a cavalier attitude about providing for the kids, I understand the resentment and might want to do the same thing.

He does not have a cavalier attitude. He is educated and employed and is providing within his means for his kids. Not every scientist can transition to the business side and make the big bucks, in fact most can’t. No one should live a life of misery so they can fully find college or travel at 70. The kids will get financial aid anyways on a low parental income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I call troll. If he's a PhD scientist then he's making at least $120k and so your making $360k. If you think that's insufficient for college, living expenses and retirement then why are you pregnant with a 2nd child?

I never said I don’t think our combined HHI (you are spot on, btw) is inadequate, but as we all know and lament, $240k is inadequate if your goal is 2 children and to pay for college and retirement in 2023.

I would love to work a job I liked better and that was less stressful and only make $120k, but it would mean making sacrifices I’m not willing to make (like not paying for college).

I feel my duty to provide for my family comes before my satisfaction in my career, and my husband does not.

And since I’m focused on earning, I’m going to be able to pay for college and then some, and I don’t feel like sharing the “and then some” with the person who put his passion above helping me provide for our kids if our marriage breaks down.

I won’t keep defending myself, but I’ll keep reading the other points of view and reflect on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does he say when you tell him you feel resentful that you carry the weight of the families financial goals? Why doesn’t he care to save for college? Is there a path for him to make more money in his field? If he’s taken advantage of you with a cavalier attitude about providing for the kids, I understand the resentment and might want to do the same thing.

He does not have a cavalier attitude. He is educated and employed and is providing within his means for his kids. Not every scientist can transition to the business side and make the big bucks, in fact most can’t. No one should live a life of misery so they can fully find college or travel at 70. The kids will get financial aid anyways on a low parental income.

Oh please yes he can. When I recognized I needed to I doubled my income over a few years. He absolutely chooses not to prioritize income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married 9 years. I’m the wife, and and now making 3X DH’s salary. He is not money motivated (scientist), and I feel alone in my by goals to work hard to build wealth.

I would like to match his salary in a joint account for our living expenses and keep the rest for myself. He says he is not opposed to this. Has anyone ever done anything like this? Is it very unreasonable of me to feel this way?

I’m hoping this can assuage my resentment. If I could go back I would marry someone with better aligned values, but I can’t go back in time. Marriage is otherwise decent.

We have a child with another on the way so I don’t want to frivolously divorce.

Every successful marriage I see, they have joint finances. Its "our money", not "my money" or "your money", no matter if both earn equally or theirs is a disparity. If you are into money, manage it yourself but no need to divide it. There is more to life than money.

I’d go even a bit further on this. I’m the scientist in our marriage and yes, it doesn’t pay as much as you can make in a for-profit, money/law/sales kind of job and it never can. But I work hard at it and we consider all our money as “ours” since we’re both contributing to the extent we are able. When you suggest keeping a separate account for “your” money, you’re saying that you don’t think he’s contributing equally. It’s not about how much money, it’s about recognizing the value of his time and effort. OP, you clearly don’t believe what your DH is contributing is a match for what you’re contributing. If you can measure that only in $ and not in time or work-life satisfaction, then that’s fine but you’ll have to recognize that you will either always be disappointed in him or you’ll feel compelled to divorce. You’re correct that this is about a values mismatch, but is it that he’s changed or that your values or only measured in cash?

Sounds like I struck a nerve. Good.

[Anonymous]

I’m the wife and DH earned 10-20x what I did. I would feel so hurt if Dh wanted a post nup. It doesn’t sound like you love him. It would be different if you started with family assets or it was about inheritance but this is about marital money, money you earned after marriage.

Most normal people would use this extra money for college savings, upgrade marital home, maybe a second house, private school tuition, family vacations, etc. in order for you to earn this 3x, you probably work more than DH and he probably does more childcare than you think.

In our circles, this type of marriage often ends in divorce. The stronger wife ditches the husband. I have seen this happen frequently actually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never do this either. It’s hard to imagine that money is so important to you. It’s not like he’s a deadbeat and not contributing.

It’s very simple - I am going to have to work many years longer than I want to at a job I don’t love to compensate for his prioritizing his own interests over income in order to pay for college and retire comfortably. If either of us decides to leave the marriage, I don’t feel he should get half of the wealth I’ve built making sacrifices he has not made.

What are your actual income levels?

[Anonymous]

Jeez - this seems pretty petty at this point.

I make $140,000 and DH makes $500,000. For a while I was only making $60,000 while my DHs salary went from $160,000 to $400,000 over the same period of time.

He never once hinted that it was his money and we should do a post nup. I actually do all our budgeting and tell him when we need to spend less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the wife and DH earned 10-20x what I did. I would feel so hurt if Dh wanted a post nup. It doesn’t sound like you love him. It would be different if you started with family assets or it was about inheritance but this is about marital money, money you earned after marriage.

Most normal people would use this extra money for college savings, upgrade marital home, maybe a second house, private school tuition, family vacations, etc. in order for you to earn this 3x, you probably work more than DH and he probably does more childcare than you think.

In our circles, this type of marriage often ends in divorce. The stronger wife ditches the husband. I have seen this happen frequently actually.

Among my friends where I have seen divorce happen when the wife makes more, it's not because the wife makes more. it's because the wife makes more AND the husband is a man child who saddles her with most of the child care and household management. Working long hours and making more plus husband being a deadbeat at home is a good recipe for resentment and eventual divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the wife and DH earned 10-20x what I did. I would feel so hurt if Dh wanted a post nup. It doesn’t sound like you love him. It would be different if you started with family assets or it was about inheritance but this is about marital money, money you earned after marriage.

Most normal people would use this extra money for college savings, upgrade marital home, maybe a second house, private school tuition, family vacations, etc. in order for you to earn this 3x, you probably work more than DH and he probably does more childcare than you think.

In our circles, this type of marriage often ends in divorce. The stronger wife ditches the husband. I have seen this happen frequently actually.

Most women want what you have and not the other way around. Would you want to work 60 hour weeks while your husband did the bulk of the childcare? I know I would prefer to work less and be with my children more. It’s not rocket science.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I call troll. If he's a PhD scientist then he's making at least $120k and so your making $360k. If you think that's insufficient for college, living expenses and retirement then why are you pregnant with a 2nd child?

I never said I don’t think our combined HHI (you are spot on, btw) is inadequate, but as we all know and lament, $240k is inadequate if your goal is 2 children and to pay for college and retirement in 2023.

I would love to work a job I liked better and that was less stressful and only make $120k, but it would mean making sacrifices I’m not willing to make (like not paying for college).

I feel my duty to provide for my family comes before my satisfaction in my career, and my husband does not.

And since I’m focused on earning, I’m going to be able to pay for college and then some, and I don’t feel like sharing the “and then some” with the person who put his passion above helping me provide for our kids if our marriage breaks down.

I won’t keep defending myself, but I’ll keep reading the other points of view and reflect on them.

Wow, I just appreciated DH so much right now. DH always says he works to provide for me and our family. I cannot imagine how I would feel if he didn’t want to share “and then some”.

I was feeling meh about our marriage and you just made me feel so appreciative.

[Anonymous]

How much does he make? I think above you imply 120k but I am not certain.

Anyway, my husband is a scientist for biotech industry and he makes 120k. He feels pretty topped out. Does your husband get stock options? Mine does. Not a ton, but they may or may not be worth a few hundred thousand at some point. I wonder if your husband has stock options and you don't realize how valuable they may be and that is why he is fine with this idea. Be careful, you might screw yourself over.

ANyway, my husband feels like there isnt much more he can do to earn more at this point. It is what it is. 120 times two is not a bad household income.

I suggest you both max out your 401ks AND that you max out the kids' 529s. I wonder if there is a way you can do the 529 so that they would be safe from divorce, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP I completely relate and feel really bad for you.

I was one of these posters last year who thought DH and I were a "team" even though I was the one making the money and focused on long term goals. Now he is in love with someone else and I'm facing paying child support, and maybe alimony or giving up the assets I've worked so hard to build.

I'd 100% recommend you talk to a lawyer and at least understand how badly you'll be hosed if things go wrong. Maybe pull back and focus on your own health and happiness while you're at it. I sure wish I had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married 9 years. I’m the wife, and and now making 3X DH’s salary. He is not money motivated (scientist), and I feel alone in my by goals to work hard to build wealth.

I would like to match his salary in a joint account for our living expenses and keep the rest for myself. He says he is not opposed to this. Has anyone ever done anything like this? Is it very unreasonable of me to feel this way?

I’m hoping this can assuage my resentment. If I could go back I would marry someone with better aligned values, but I can’t go back in time. Marriage is otherwise decent.

We have a child with another on the way so I don’t want to frivolously divorce.

I mean, that’s not thinking about your family as a single economic unit. Generally speaking if the roles were reversed, women would take umbrage to your request. But if money is your principal concern, you do you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I call troll. If he's a PhD scientist then he's making at least $120k and so your making $360k. If you think that's insufficient for college, living expenses and retirement then why are you pregnant with a 2nd child?

I never said I don’t think our combined HHI (you are spot on, btw) is inadequate, but as we all know and lament, $240k is inadequate if your goal is 2 children and to pay for college and retirement in 2023.

I would love to work a job I liked better and that was less stressful and only make $120k, but it would mean making sacrifices I’m not willing to make (like not paying for college).

I feel my duty to provide for my family comes before my satisfaction in my career, and my husband does not.

And since I’m focused on earning, I’m going to be able to pay for college and then some, and I don’t feel like sharing the “and then some” with the person who put his passion above helping me provide for our kids if our marriage breaks down.

I won’t keep defending myself, but I’ll keep reading the other points of view and reflect on them.

It’s not about sacrifices or passion. Most teachers can’t become principals, most physicians can’t become administrators and most engineers can’t become executives. It requires different skill sets, attitude and personality.

240k is a great HHI, the issue seems to be your expectations. Expectations kill relationships. You are better off divorcing, a post nup will not appease your resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I completely relate and feel really bad for you.

I was one of these posters last year who thought DH and I were a "team" even though I was the one making the money and focused on long term goals. Now he is in love with someone else and I'm facing paying child support, and maybe alimony or giving up the assets I've worked so hard to build.

I'd 100% recommend you talk to a lawyer and at least understand how badly you'll be hosed if things go wrong. Maybe pull back and focus on your own health and happiness while you're at it. I sure wish I had.

I’m really sorry this is happening to you.