Post nup after wife starts earning more

[Anonymous]

What does he say when you tell him you feel resentful that you carry the weight of the families financial goals? Why doesn’t he care to save for college? Is there a path for him to make more money in his field? If he’s taken advantage of you with a cavalier attitude about providing for the kids, I understand the resentment and might want to do the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married 9 years. I’m the wife, and and now making 3X DH’s salary. He is not money motivated (scientist), and I feel alone in my by goals to work hard to build wealth.

I would like to match his salary in a joint account for our living expenses and keep the rest for myself. He says he is not opposed to this. Has anyone ever done anything like this? Is it very unreasonable of me to feel this way?

I’m hoping this can assuage my resentment. If I could go back I would marry someone with better aligned values, but I can’t go back in time. Marriage is otherwise decent.

We have a child with another on the way so I don’t want to frivolously divorce.

Every successful marriage I see, they have joint finances. Its "our money", not "my money" or "your money", no matter if both earn equally or theirs is a disparity. If you are into money, manage it yourself but no need to divide it. There is more to life than money.

I’d go even a bit further on this. I’m the scientist in our marriage and yes, it doesn’t pay as much as you can make in a for-profit, money/law/sales kind of job and it never can. But I work hard at it and we consider all our money as “ours” since we’re both contributing to the extent we are able. When you suggest keeping a separate account for “your” money, you’re saying that you don’t think he’s contributing equally. It’s not about how much money, it’s about recognizing the value of his time and effort. OP, you clearly don’t believe what your DH is contributing is a match for what you’re contributing. If you can measure that only in $ and not in time or work-life satisfaction, then that’s fine but you’ll have to recognize that you will either always be disappointed in him or you’ll feel compelled to divorce. You’re correct that this is about a values mismatch, but is it that he’s changed or that your values or only measured in cash?

[Anonymous]

I 10x my wife’s income, I’m also very greedy but in 1 million years I would never ever consider pitching something like this, it would completely devalue my wife’s position in our relationship- if you want to look at it as a business our business was set up to produce love not profit.

I didn’t marry her to increase the earnings of an organization, I married her because I loved her. I’m picturing 10 years into our marriage I sit her down for a performance review where I spring a postnup on her because her sales have plateaued….uhh, yeah…I would fully expect to be stabbed in my sleep.

I’m sure this money thing is just the tip of the iceberg and your husband suffers all sorts of slights, jabs and insults from you, your priorities are insane.

Have you ever had a neuropsych evaluation?
Gross op!

[Anonymous]

I call troll. If he's a PhD scientist then he's making at least $120k and so your making $360k. If you think that's insufficient for college, living expenses and retirement then why are you pregnant with a 2nd child?

[Anonymous]

The state would say that all money earned in a marriage is joint even if you have it titled in your name in another account.

In the event of a divorce your husband would get 50%
and 50% of your "special account."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I call troll. If he's a PhD scientist then he's making at least $120k and so your making $360k. If you think that's insufficient for college, living expenses and retirement then why are you pregnant with a 2nd child?

Seriously. What's wrong with being a scientist??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never do this either. It’s hard to imagine that money is so important to you. It’s not like he’s a deadbeat and not contributing.

It’s very simple - I am going to have to work many years longer than I want to at a job I don’t love to compensate for his prioritizing his own interests over income in order to pay for college and retire comfortably. If either of us decides to leave the marriage, I don’t feel he should get half of the wealth I’ve built making sacrifices he has not made.

Your parents really set a poor example for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never do this either. It’s hard to imagine that money is so important to you. It’s not like he’s a deadbeat and not contributing.

It’s very simple - I am going to have to work many years longer than I want to at a job I don’t love to compensate for his prioritizing his own interests over income in order to pay for college and retire comfortably. If either of us decides to leave the marriage, I don’t feel he should get half of the wealth I’ve built making sacrifices he has not made.

In the event of a divorce the state would feel differently. He would het half of what you earned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I call troll. If he's a PhD scientist then he's making at least $120k and so your making $360k. If you think that's insufficient for college, living expenses and retirement then why are you pregnant with a 2nd child?

Seriously. What's wrong with being a scientist??

This. OP’s “values” suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This will not hold up in court.

Why are post-nups not enforceable? I see this comment a lot, just curious why a prenup is generally enforceable but a post-nup isn’t? Is it easier to claim it was signed under duress?

[Anonymous]

I understand how you feel OP. I have two upper elementary kids and I am the only one who has saved for their college as DH doesn’t believe it’s necessary. I have felt very resentful over the money imbalance as well. Suffice it to say we are not real partners. Only roommates who are raising kids. He is worse than your DH in that he hasn’t had a full time job in 10 years. If your DH is not opposed to your proposal I would say go for it. It may help with the resentment and I also recommend therapy for yourself. Good luck with the new baby too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I 10x my wife’s income, I’m also very greedy but in 1 million years I would never ever consider pitching something like this, it would completely devalue my wife’s position in our relationship- if you want to look at it as a business our business was set up to produce love not profit.

I didn’t marry her to increase the earnings of an organization, I married her because I loved her. I’m picturing 10 years into our marriage I sit her down for a performance review where I spring a postnup on her because her sales have plateaued….uhh, yeah…I would fully expect to be stabbed in my sleep.

I’m sure this money thing is just the tip of the iceberg and your husband suffers all sorts of slights, jabs and insults from you, your priorities are insane.

Have you ever had a neuropsych evaluation?
Gross op!

This is probably the lower earning wife writing in her husband’s voice. In any case, there are gender roles at play here. It doesn’t feel good to many women to be the financial provider for her family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never do this either. It’s hard to imagine that money is so important to you. It’s not like he’s a deadbeat and not contributing.

It’s very simple - I am going to have to work many years longer than I want to at a job I don’t love to compensate for his prioritizing his own interests over income in order to pay for college and retire comfortably. If either of us decides to leave the marriage, I don’t feel he should get half of the wealth I’ve built making sacrifices he has not made.

You must be a troll. Or maybe you're actually a man who switched around the genders in your story? This sounds like the typical BS you get from men who suddenly make more money and want to screw over their wife.

It’s this. A what if genders were revered scenario.

I get it though op, I think both partners have to carry a similar burden I order not to build resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I 10x my wife’s income, I’m also very greedy but in 1 million years I would never ever consider pitching something like this, it would completely devalue my wife’s position in our relationship- if you want to look at it as a business our business was set up to produce love not profit.

I didn’t marry her to increase the earnings of an organization, I married her because I loved her. I’m picturing 10 years into our marriage I sit her down for a performance review where I spring a postnup on her because her sales have plateaued….uhh, yeah…I would fully expect to be stabbed in my sleep.

I’m sure this money thing is just the tip of the iceberg and your husband suffers all sorts of slights, jabs and insults from you, your priorities are insane.

Have you ever had a neuropsych evaluation?
Gross op!

I agree with you OP needs a neuropsych evaluation. She sounds like she’s on the spectrum. She shouldn’t have married or had kids, clearly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I 10x my wife’s income, I’m also very greedy but in 1 million years I would never ever consider pitching something like this, it would completely devalue my wife’s position in our relationship- if you want to look at it as a business our business was set up to produce love not profit.

I didn’t marry her to increase the earnings of an organization, I married her because I loved her. I’m picturing 10 years into our marriage I sit her down for a performance review where I spring a postnup on her because her sales have plateaued….uhh, yeah…I would fully expect to be stabbed in my sleep.

I’m sure this money thing is just the tip of the iceberg and your husband suffers all sorts of slights, jabs and insults from you, your priorities are insane.

Have you ever had a neuropsych evaluation?
Gross op!

I agree with you OP needs a neuropsych evaluation. She sounds like she’s on the spectrum. She shouldn’t have married or had kids, clearly.

Says a low earning spouse who feels threatened by OP’s perspective.