Post nup after wife starts earning more

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I call troll. If he's a PhD scientist then he's making at least $120k and so your making $360k. If you think that's insufficient for college, living expenses and retirement then why are you pregnant with a 2nd child?

I never said I don’t think our combined HHI (you are spot on, btw) is inadequate, but as we all know and lament, $240k is inadequate if your goal is 2 children and to pay for college and retirement in 2023.

I would love to work a job I liked better and that was less stressful and only make $120k, but it would mean making sacrifices I’m not willing to make (like not paying for college).

I feel my duty to provide for my family comes before my satisfaction in my career, and my husband does not.

And since I’m focused on earning, I’m going to be able to pay for college and then some, and I don’t feel like sharing the “and then some” with the person who put his passion above helping me provide for our kids if our marriage breaks down.

I won’t keep defending myself, but I’ll keep reading the other points of view and reflect on them.

It’s not about sacrifices or passion. Most teachers can’t become principals, most physicians can’t become administrators and most engineers can’t become executives. It requires different skill sets, attitude and personality.

240k is a great HHI, the issue seems to be your expectations. Expectations kill relationships. You are better off divorcing, a post nup will not appease your resentment.

OP doesn’t sound like she is in a loving marriage. Does she want a divorce or planning to get divorced in the future? Sounds like it.

While OP may not think 120k earning DH is contributing, that is probably enough to pay a mortgage and then some. You have a partner to help with drop off and pick up.

OP should not be thinking of a post nup but divorce. You are in this marriage or not. OP sounds like she is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make 3-5 times what my husband makes and I would never do this. We are 100% a team. I wonder if there is more than just the money piece to this. In my case, my husband’s job has more flexibility and he has done lots of kid stuff over the years which allowed me to move up the ladder. I could not be where I am without him (unless I had chosen not to have kids).

Yes, I suppose there is more. I only decided to pursue a career at the level I’ve pursued it when reality set in that I simply have to in order to live comfortably, pay for education, and save for retirement. He doesn’t think it is necessary to save for college, and he doesn’t think its necessary to have enough savings to do things like update our home modestly over the next 50 years. So we have big value differences that I failed to identify before marriage.

And I would rather be the one spending more time with my kids, not the other way around.

So:

1) You are materialistic and when he didn’t step up and provide you with the lifestyle you wanted, you reached for the brass ring; but
2) You can only touch the ring because he cares for the kids, which you paradoxically say is also something you wish you had; so
3) You get yours and screw everyone else?

Is that about it?

Better file separate tax returns. Or compensate him for being afflicted by your higher marginal rate on his income if you do it this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I call troll. If he's a PhD scientist then he's making at least $120k and so your making $360k. If you think that's insufficient for college, living expenses and retirement then why are you pregnant with a 2nd child?

I never said I don’t think our combined HHI (you are spot on, btw) is inadequate, but as we all know and lament, $240k is inadequate if your goal is 2 children and to pay for college and retirement in 2023.

I would love to work a job I liked better and that was less stressful and only make $120k, but it would mean making sacrifices I’m not willing to make (like not paying for college).

I feel my duty to provide for my family comes before my satisfaction in my career, and my husband does not.

And since I’m focused on earning, I’m going to be able to pay for college and then some, and I don’t feel like sharing the “and then some” with the person who put his passion above helping me provide for our kids if our marriage breaks down.

I won’t keep defending myself, but I’ll keep reading the other points of view and reflect on them.

Wow, I just appreciated DH so much right now. DH always says he works to provide for me and our family. I cannot imagine how I would feel if he didn’t want to share “and then some”.

I was feeling meh about our marriage and you just made me feel so appreciative.

Your situation is not comparable because your DH is the provider. It’s the opposite of OP’s situation. Imagine doing all you do at home PLUS feeling the burden of providing for your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you focus on joint goals that you may not have achieved for now? For example, use your extra earnings to fully fund 529 plans, and get an agreement from him that in the event of divorce, they will be deemed assets of the children, managed by you? Maybe you live off your matched joint earnings and you invest your excess in accounts you control?

This is exactly what I’m thinking. Except if our marriage breaks down I want to fully keep those accounts (not 529s) I control.

I am a man.

In this scenario if you asked me for a post-nup at this point in our marriage when you start making bank, I would say no.

Then what?

Divorce seems obvious. You will pay alimony and a higher amount of child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make 3-5 times what my husband makes and I would never do this. We are 100% a team. I wonder if there is more than just the money piece to this. In my case, my husband’s job has more flexibility and he has done lots of kid stuff over the years which allowed me to move up the ladder. I could not be where I am without him (unless I had chosen not to have kids).

Yes, I suppose there is more. I only decided to pursue a career at the level I’ve pursued it when reality set in that I simply have to in order to live comfortably, pay for education, and save for retirement. He doesn’t think it is necessary to save for college, and he doesn’t think its necessary to have enough savings to do things like update our home modestly over the next 50 years. So we have big value differences that I failed to identify before marriage.

And I would rather be the one spending more time with my kids, not the other way around.

So:

1) You are materialistic and when he didn’t step up and provide you with the lifestyle you wanted, you reached for the brass ring; but
2) You can only touch the ring because he cares for the kids, which you paradoxically say is also something you wish you had; so
3) You get yours and screw everyone else?

Is that about it?

Better file separate tax returns. Or compensate him for being afflicted by your higher marginal rate on his income if you do it this way.

Their HHI isn’t even that high. Many UMC families have this set up but it is usually the DH who is the higher earner. One parent steps up in work and one parent steps down or mommy tracks. In this situation, the Dh seems to have plateaued and that is totally ok too.

DH earns a lot so we live a great life. His money is my money.

[Anonymous]

This is sounds so insane. OP, if you husband was a single parent, he could easily support two kids on that income, and if they got into a great college they will likely get a lot of financial aid. (I know bc our HHI is about $160k and we are more that OK. We also work in fields that are rewarding in terms of impact, but not money.) As a scientist, he's contributing to the furthering of knowledge and he has so much value. I wonder what it is you do.

You are making choices -- you seem to assume that your choices are obviously the best ones and that everyone would do the same. But actually that HHI falls in the top 1percent. Most of us are not making the same choices as you. many other people are making choices not based on maximizing income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make 3-5 times what my husband makes and I would never do this. We are 100% a team. I wonder if there is more than just the money piece to this. In my case, my husband’s job has more flexibility and he has done lots of kid stuff over the years which allowed me to move up the ladder. I could not be where I am without him (unless I had chosen not to have kids).

Yes, I suppose there is more. I only decided to pursue a career at the level I’ve pursued it when reality set in that I simply have to in order to live comfortably, pay for education, and save for retirement. He doesn’t think it is necessary to save for college, and he doesn’t think its necessary to have enough savings to do things like update our home modestly over the next 50 years. So we have big value differences that I failed to identify before marriage.

And I would rather be the one spending more time with my kids, not the other way around.

So:

1) You are materialistic and when he didn’t step up and provide you with the lifestyle you wanted, you reached for the brass ring; but
2) You can only touch the ring because he cares for the kids, which you paradoxically say is also something you wish you had; so
3) You get yours and screw everyone else?

Is that about it?

Better file separate tax returns. Or compensate him for being afflicted by your higher marginal rate on his income if you do it this way.

Their HHI isn’t even that high. Many UMC families have this set up but it is usually the DH who is the higher earner. One parent steps up in work and one parent steps down or mommy tracks. In this situation, the Dh seems to have plateaued and that is totally ok too.

DH earns a lot so we live a great life. His money is my money.

You are hilarious. Your DH earns a lot so you have a great life, but it’s totally ok if it’s the other way around, says you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you focus on joint goals that you may not have achieved for now? For example, use your extra earnings to fully fund 529 plans, and get an agreement from him that in the event of divorce, they will be deemed assets of the children, managed by you? Maybe you live off your matched joint earnings and you invest your excess in accounts you control?

This is exactly what I’m thinking. Except if our marriage breaks down I want to fully keep those accounts (not 529s) I control.

I am a man.

In this scenario if you asked me for a post-nup at this point in our marriage when you start making bank, I would say no.

Then what?

Divorce seems obvious. You will pay alimony and a higher amount of child support.

Child support, yes. Probably not alimony. You might as well spend your extra money on a nicer car for yourself, spa days, better clothes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you focus on joint goals that you may not have achieved for now? For example, use your extra earnings to fully fund 529 plans, and get an agreement from him that in the event of divorce, they will be deemed assets of the children, managed by you? Maybe you live off your matched joint earnings and you invest your excess in accounts you control?

This is exactly what I’m thinking. Except if our marriage breaks down I want to fully keep those accounts (not 529s) I control.

I am a man.

In this scenario if you asked me for a post-nup at this point in our marriage when you start making bank, I would say no.

Then what?

Divorce seems obvious. You will pay alimony and a higher amount of child support.

Child support, yes. Probably not alimony. You might as well spend your extra money on a nicer car for yourself, spa days, better clothes.

Why can’t you do this while married?

[Anonymous]

No more OP?

I would for sure ask for a post-nup in your situation if my DH didn’t do anything around the house and slacked with the kids.

If he’s helping with the kids and house, then he is supporting you in your career and the only way you can make the money you do and have the life you do is because of his contributions. So if that is the case, you are definitely wrong in asking for a post-nup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you focus on joint goals that you may not have achieved for now? For example, use your extra earnings to fully fund 529 plans, and get an agreement from him that in the event of divorce, they will be deemed assets of the children, managed by you? Maybe you live off your matched joint earnings and you invest your excess in accounts you control?

This is exactly what I’m thinking. Except if our marriage breaks down I want to fully keep those accounts (not 529s) I control.

I am a man.

In this scenario if you asked me for a post-nup at this point in our marriage when you start making bank, I would say no.

Then what?

Divorce seems obvious. You will pay alimony and a higher amount of child support.

Child support, yes. Probably not alimony. You might as well spend your extra money on a nicer car for yourself, spa days, better clothes.

Know anyone who divorced recently? Alimony would be likely. It would only last a couple of years, but it would be likely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I call troll. If he's a PhD scientist then he's making at least $120k and so your making $360k. If you think that's insufficient for college, living expenses and retirement then why are you pregnant with a 2nd child?

I never said I don’t think our combined HHI (you are spot on, btw) is inadequate, but as we all know and lament, $240k is inadequate if your goal is 2 children and to pay for college and retirement in 2023.

I would love to work a job I liked better and that was less stressful and only make $120k, but it would mean making sacrifices I’m not willing to make (like not paying for college).

I feel my duty to provide for my family comes before my satisfaction in my career, and my husband does not.

And since I’m focused on earning, I’m going to be able to pay for college and then some, and I don’t feel like sharing the “and then some” with the person who put his passion above helping me provide for our kids if our marriage breaks down.

I won’t keep defending myself, but I’ll keep reading the other points of view and reflect on them.

— my DH and I make less than this combined. We are very comfortably saving for college and retirement while living in a 2500 square foot house and vacationing. Our kids are older, but we also had nanny/child care/au pair expenses when they were younger.

OP, did you feel this way before you got pregnant? Would you benefit from seeing a financial planner and/or being screened for depression?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No more OP?

I would for sure ask for a post-nup in your situation if my DH didn’t do anything around the house and slacked with the kids.

If he’s helping with the kids and house, then he is supporting you in your career and the only way you can make the money you do and have the life you do is because of his contributions. So if that is the case, you are definitely wrong in asking for a post-nup.

This. But sounds like OP has different “values.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you focus on joint goals that you may not have achieved for now? For example, use your extra earnings to fully fund 529 plans, and get an agreement from him that in the event of divorce, they will be deemed assets of the children, managed by you? Maybe you live off your matched joint earnings and you invest your excess in accounts you control?

This is exactly what I’m thinking. Except if our marriage breaks down I want to fully keep those accounts (not 529s) I control.

I am a man.

In this scenario if you asked me for a post-nup at this point in our marriage when you start making bank, I would say no.

Then what?

Divorce seems obvious. You will pay alimony and a higher amount of child support.

Child support, yes. Probably not alimony. You might as well spend your extra money on a nicer car for yourself, spa days, better clothes.

Why can’t you do this while married?

That’s the whole point. Enjoy it now. In a divorce half of the savings get split.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never do this either. It’s hard to imagine that money is so important to you. It’s not like he’s a deadbeat and not contributing.

It’s very simple - I am going to have to work many years longer than I want to at a job I don’t love to compensate for his prioritizing his own interests over income in order to pay for college and retire comfortably. If either of us decides to leave the marriage, I don’t feel he should get half of the wealth I’ve built making sacrifices he has not made.

Then you really should divorce now. Post nups can be thrown out and are not as legally ironclad as prenups.