Post nup after wife starts earning more

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think maybe you should just get divorced, OP. It doesn’t sound like you’re in a partnership at all.

I say that as someone in a marriage with separate accounts - we’re pretty independent. But it’s still joint assets.

Not joint assets if you are holding inherited assets in your name only.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does he say when you tell him you feel resentful that you carry the weight of the families financial goals? Why doesn’t he care to save for college? Is there a path for him to make more money in his field? If he’s taken advantage of you with a cavalier attitude about providing for the kids, I understand the resentment and might want to do the same thing.

He does not have a cavalier attitude. He is educated and employed and is providing within his means for his kids. Not every scientist can transition to the business side and make the big bucks, in fact most can’t. No one should live a life of misery so they can fully find college or travel at 70. The kids will get financial aid anyways on a low parental income.

Oh please yes he can. When I recognized I needed to I doubled my income over a few years. He absolutely chooses not to prioritize income.

This. He knows op is not going anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I call troll. If he's a PhD scientist then he's making at least $120k and so your making $360k. If you think that's insufficient for college, living expenses and retirement then why are you pregnant with a 2nd child?

I am dating a PhD scientist at a major university who makes less than $100,000. Most Biglaw partners make 5-15 times that. If we had met in grad/law school, we would not have thought about the future disparity. In fact, the PhD scientist might have seemed smarter and more successful.

While I understand how the kind of resentment exhibited by OP can creep up on a couple, I agree with those who think the OP is crass and exhibiting signs of the kinds of contempt that lead to divorce.

[Anonymous]

You need to speak with a family law attorney. You can put money in any account you want, but if you divorce he’s getting half and is probably getting alimony.

A postnup is a very smart idea if he’ll agree to it. But get a lawyer and do it right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you imagine if a man wrote this? This is so common in a traditional role where the husband earns more. They have kids, mom has more child and house duties due to having kids and doesn’t move up as much as she could in her career while the husband earns more. Dh earns more and they may move to a bigger house in a better school district, remodel, go on some nice family vacations, maybe send the kids to private school, etc. We have 3 kids and instruments, music lessons, sports gear, sports lessons, dance class, gymnastics, the list goes on and on and on. That “and then some money” should be used for the family and savings.

Our kids 529s are funded. We save for the future - kids weddings, grad school, grandchildren, our retirement. I don’t think Dh is trying to save this money separately from me so that he can live better later without me.

Many men say this kind of thing. I know because I am a divorced man and some of my wealthier divorced me say this kind of thing to me. Sometimes they fight very hard to keep what they think of as "their" money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I call troll. If he's a PhD scientist then he's making at least $120k and so your making $360k. If you think that's insufficient for college, living expenses and retirement then why are you pregnant with a 2nd child?

I never said I don’t think our combined HHI (you are spot on, btw) is inadequate, but as we all know and lament, $240k is inadequate if your goal is 2 children and to pay for college and retirement in 2023.

I would love to work a job I liked better and that was less stressful and only make $120k, but it would mean making sacrifices I’m not willing to make (like not paying for college).

I feel my duty to provide for my family comes before my satisfaction in my career, and my husband does not.

And since I’m focused on earning, I’m going to be able to pay for college and then some, and I don’t feel like sharing the “and then some” with the person who put his passion above helping me provide for our kids if our marriage breaks down.

I won’t keep defending myself, but I’ll keep reading the other points of view and reflect on them.

I make anywhere from 5-7 times what my wife does, and I would never dream of doing this. Yes, I will provide the bulk of our retirement and college funds, and the bulk of our living expenses now. We're a team.

I truly cannot fathom your attitude, OP. Your feelings for your husband have been reduced to dollar signs. I would not view this as a frivolous or unnecessary divorce; I think it's completely necessary.

That's quite unfair to tell OP that her divorce is necessary. While her marriage is not one of unconditional love, that doesn't mean it should be dissolved. There are plenty of marriages that exist for transactional or financial or socioeconomic reasons.

OP: you do you.

Her DH deserves better. Her children deserve better.

Maybe. They would like to have a wife/mother who loves unconditionally. But they have OP instead. There are plenty of folks in loveless marriages, and plenty of kids whose parents are in it just for the kids. Divorce is not always the solution to the absence of love.

[Anonymous]

OP seems not to understand the very concept of a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you imagine if a man wrote this? This is so common in a traditional role where the husband earns more. They have kids, mom has more child and house duties due to having kids and doesn’t move up as much as she could in her career while the husband earns more. Dh earns more and they may move to a bigger house in a better school district, remodel, go on some nice family vacations, maybe send the kids to private school, etc. We have 3 kids and instruments, music lessons, sports gear, sports lessons, dance class, gymnastics, the list goes on and on and on. That “and then some money” should be used for the family and savings.

Our kids 529s are funded. We save for the future - kids weddings, grad school, grandchildren, our retirement. I don’t think Dh is trying to save this money separately from me so that he can live better later without me.

Many men say this kind of thing. I know because I am a divorced man and some of my wealthier divorced me say this kind of thing to me. Sometimes they fight very hard to keep what they think of as "their" money.

If you are divorced, of course you want to keep what is yours. A divorced or divorcing man or woman is different than a married couple with kids who are not planning to get divorced.

DH and I don’t fight about money but we know couples who do.

If OP plans to get divorced in the future, she should just get divorced now.

[Anonymous]

Jay get divorced now ow let him be a sahd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never do this either. It’s hard to imagine that money is so important to you. It’s not like he’s a deadbeat and not contributing.

It’s very simple - I am going to have to work many years longer than I want to at a job I don’t love to compensate for his prioritizing his own interests over income in order to pay for college and retire comfortably. If either of us decides to leave the marriage, I don’t feel he should get half of the wealth I’ve built making sacrifices he has not made.

To be fair, he's not forcing you to do this; to stay at a job you don't love because you make 3x more. YOU choose to do so and I understand WHY you choose to do so because who doesn't want to make that kind of money. That said, you can't hold it against him because he's happy and content. In terms of half of the wealth if things fall apart, welcome to marriage. Divorce works both ways. If you want to protect your neck, sure get a post-nup but curious to know what his reaction will be.

This is like women who complain that their husbands golf with their buddies on a Saturday but "I dont get any me time/girl time!". Unless the husbands are tying them down, wives are free to make their own plans/spa days etc. they just don't.

I am a mom BTW as well as the one who makes more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never do this either. It’s hard to imagine that money is so important to you. It’s not like he’s a deadbeat and not contributing.

It’s very simple - I am going to have to work many years longer than I want to at a job I don’t love to compensate for his prioritizing his own interests over income in order to pay for college and retire comfortably. If either of us decides to leave the marriage, I don’t feel he should get half of the wealth I’ve built making sacrifices he has not made.

Why are you having a second child with someone you clearly resent?

[Anonymous]

You should have just been honest and entered into a business agreement with him instead of marrying him.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like the OP would agree that a SAHP should never get 50% in a long term marriage, that perhaps for years when all kids are in school/out of the house all savings should accrue to the wage earner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:35 years of marriage gives both of us an opportunity to look back at what we have achieved in our life, marriage, children, family, society and profession, the ups and downs, the people we have lost along the way, the new relationships etc, and in all of this we feel gratitude for each other. Money is the least important achievement for us. Yes, it is important as a resource and tool to meet our goals, but our achievement in life has been our partnership, our relationships with others and our children.

Let me guess…you made much less $$$ than your spouse. Or vise versa and trying to be okay with it. Nice try.

Another 35 year married here, you'd be wrong. We're ok, how is your marriage?

[Anonymous]

DH and I both came from households where our moms made way more money than our dads. My mom made 7 figures (in the 80s!)!and my dad maxed out at 50K. DHs mom made close to 400K, his dad made maybe 30K (and was an academic). Both our parents saw themselves as a team. Our moms careers were prioritized and our dads did more of the soccer dad stuff.

I cannot imagine approaching a marriage any differently. Yes there need to be discussions about one person working more / one person doing more kid or house tasks, but that’s very different from acting like it’s not entirely a joint venture.