What is “a village”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a village. One friend worked really hard to cultivate it and now it’s a group of families who are truly always there for each other. We text each other throughout the week. Celebrate each others successes, cry together, watch each other kids; now that they’re older, the kids wander in and out of each others houses. The kids are very much like cousins and I have a group of women (and their husbands) that I know I can call on at any minute. I am very lucky but to my first point, it takes hard work to get there. You can do it too.

NP - I had this and was the person who cultivated it. It's hard work AND a lot of luck: people you like that much in close proximity, adults who all get along decently and have similar flexibility, no one moving away (which is what happened to my "village"), etc. Not everyone can do it, frankly, for lacking the neighbors or the skills to cultivate or whatever. Cherish every moment of it when you do have it.

+1 to the luck part. A fellow mom and I cultivated this in our neighborhood when our kids were babies and it was great for about a year. Then the pandemic hit, people locked down, several families moved away, everything fell apart. I'm still friends with the one friend I helped organize this with, but she no longer lives nearby. I am in touch with a couple of the others, one is close but is moving soon, the other lives across town. We met when our kids were babies, they are all 5/6 years old now. Everyone was well intentioned, it just couldn't withstand outside factors.

I've notice that our neighborhood has become much more transient in recent years since Covid, actually, which works against this. I feel like every week I learn about a new neighbor who is moving elsewhere for a job or more space or different school opportunities. There was some of that before but it's ramped up a lot and now I feel like building a village is so unlikely. My kid's "best friend" at school the last three years running has moved away each time. She handles it great, but man it's hard to start back up with new families each year trying to build connections.

I think I'm just burned out on community building at this point. I built my village, it fell apart, I feel too tired to try and do it again.

[Anonymous]

My mom was friends with a half dozen other moms with kids my age. They watched each other's kids, drove us places, got together for holidays every year. I have pictures of myself with these kids every year of my life and I'm still in touch with most of them. Any one of the moms could (and did) scold me: they were my substitute parents not just playdate hosts. After we kids all launched, the moms helped each other through illness, divorce, elder care issues, and now their own aging concerns.

I had local grandparents and aunts active in my childhood, too, but these friends were our village.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom was friends with a half dozen other moms with kids my age. They watched each other's kids, drove us places, got together for holidays every year. I have pictures of myself with these kids every year of my life and I'm still in touch with most of them. Any one of the moms could (and did) scold me: they were my substitute parents not just playdate hosts. After we kids all launched, the moms helped each other through illness, divorce, elder care issues, and now their own aging concerns.

I had local grandparents and aunts active in my childhood, too, but these friends were our village.

Same PP, to add - The kids all scattered to different parts of the country, so we are not each other's village in the day to day sense. I agree with PP that's its hard when friends and neighbors constantly move away. I think people are also just busier: none of the moms in that "village" worked 9-5 jobs, it was all part time or night hours and so they were more available.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a in village. It’s not family, it’s friends and neighbors with similar age kids. I help them and they help us, it’s rare but we know we are there for each other.
Last week during a storm my kid (11) was at the pool and they closed for thunder. I wasn’t there, a friend of mine brought her home, that’s being a village….

Meh. That’s not a “village.” That’s an emergency contact. Does the friend watch your kid while you work?

I’m the PP, the friend was there with her own kids. Not an emergency contact, just happened to be at the pool.
This was just a recent example, if her kid was there alone I would have done the same thing. Earlier in the summer a different kid was there and my kid was getting a snack from snack bar. Different kid had no money, I gave her $3 to get an ice cream with my kid…… to me that’s village parenting too.

Nope. That’s nothing special. Sorry. I’d give a strange kid $3 for ice cream.

you are a village parent, you just don’t realize it.

[Anonymous]

When I was a kid everyone was outside all day playing, and any of the parents would correct you or step in as needed; it didn't have to be your own. And everybody's parents knew each other. There was an older retired couple across the street, and my much younger brother spent his days over there in the summer or after school during the school year. Our parents divorced and our mother worked 2 jobs. My brother would help the husband out in his garden, and the wife would make him cream of wheat just like he liked it, with a thick layer of cream on top. And she always had his favorite candies in her candy jar, those hard butterscotch candies. Usually, they fed him dinner, and when my mother's car pulled up they would just send him back home. There was no exchange of money, there was no babysitting agreement, folks in the neighborhood just took care of each other. Much later, when the older couple were in their late 80s and the husband was dying of cancer my mother pretty much stayed at their house and took care of them. She cooked, cleaned, and sat with them. The wife has long passed away too, but whenever we visited our home town we would also stop and visit with her. She lived until 93. It was a really great way to grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a village. One friend worked really hard to cultivate it and now it’s a group of families who are truly always there for each other. We text each other throughout the week. Celebrate each others successes, cry together, watch each other kids; now that they’re older, the kids wander in and out of each others houses. The kids are very much like cousins and I have a group of women (and their husbands) that I know I can call on at any minute. I am very lucky but to my first point, it takes hard work to get there. You can do it too.

But, again, when they were younger and you were working who watched the kids?

NP, but I work full time. I think there is a difference between childcare and a village (though it can overlap). I pay people to watch my kids during the workday (first daycare, then preschool, then afterschool programs).

My "village" is for those times that paid care is not available (nights, weekends, emergencies). Sometimes that means the grandparents come visit for a week that strategically overlaps with our childcare needs. Sometimes it's a friend who takes our kid for a playdate for an afternoon while we run errands. Sometimes it's a neighbor who waters our plants when we're on vacation. In return, I plan visits to our parents around their needs, organize drop-off playdates or sleepovers when my friends need some time, and take my neighbors trash cans in when they leave town on trash day.

[Anonymous]

It’s not just friends and family. Society used to “group parent” children and everyone was okay with it. You were afraid to act up in front of other adults because they would correct you and/or tell your parents and your parents would actually care. Same with teachers, store owners, etc. Everyone had an eye out and was in each other’s business. Which had its drawbacks, but also put a layer of protections and supervision over kids out and about.

[Anonymous]

A "village" was when women/mother stayed home and took care of their children and their house. There was a was a time when severall generations of family either lived next door or with each other but this died POST WWII when women--all ages--- began working outside the home. Children were "latchkey" kids.niw, women can afford nannies and daycare for their children. Grandmother's finally realized that they raised their kids and you can raise yours be suse they are still young enough to travel and enjoy life.

Hillary Clinton wrote a book, A village and other lessons children teach us" and the Village craze started. Interestingly. Hillary did not stay home with her daughter. Her mother lived with them at the WH but Chelsea was too old for a nanny.

So, a village is s a group of people who help each other but it is only a village if all are SAHM. Otherwise, WOHM take advantage of SAHM..

[Anonymous]

The “village” became a thing of the past when mothers went into the workforce full-time. I live in a neighborhood with mostly SAHM and retirees, so we take each others’ kids to the pool, the playground, babysit for emergencies and pick up groceries during Covid quarantines.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a village. It’s not family, it’s friends and neighbors with similar age kids. I help them and they help us, it’s rare but we know we are there for each other.
Last week during a storm my kid (11) was at the pool and they closed for thunder. I wasn’t there, a friend of mine brought her home, that’s being a village….

+1

The Village has to be reciprocal, OP - otherwise it is just “using someone”, which does happen.

I have been the friend who got used in this way and it's demoralizing. And also made me less willing to offer my time when people need it, because it's so draining to be generous with your time and energy only to have people totally disappear when you need help.

I think that's one of the big obstacles to forming a village. You need mutual buy in and reciprocity, and I think there are more people today who are happy to take and not to give, and that in turns leads to people like me, who have to learn to give less just for our own sanity.

Couldn’t have said it better. What’s funny, is I’m on this neighborhood group text with 10-15 women and the mothers always yammering about the neighborhood village are the users who don’t actually reciprocate and provide any sort of help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a village. One friend worked really hard to cultivate it and now it’s a group of families who are truly always there for each other. We text each other throughout the week. Celebrate each others successes, cry together, watch each other kids; now that they’re older, the kids wander in and out of each others houses. The kids are very much like cousins and I have a group of women (and their husbands) that I know I can call on at any minute. I am very lucky but to my first point, it takes hard work to get there. You can do it too.

NP - I had this and was the person who cultivated it. It's hard work AND a lot of luck: people you like that much in close proximity, adults who all get along decently and have similar flexibility, no one moving away (which is what happened to my "village"), etc. Not everyone can do it, frankly, for lacking the neighbors or the skills to cultivate or whatever. Cherish every moment of it when you do have it.

+1 to the luck part. A fellow mom and I cultivated this in our neighborhood when our kids were babies and it was great for about a year. Then the pandemic hit, people locked down, several families moved away, everything fell apart. I'm still friends with the one friend I helped organize this with, but she no longer lives nearby. I am in touch with a couple of the others, one is close but is moving soon, the other lives across town. We met when our kids were babies, they are all 5/6 years old now. Everyone was well intentioned, it just couldn't withstand outside factors.

I've notice that our neighborhood has become much more transient in recent years since Covid, actually, which works against this. I feel like every week I learn about a new neighbor who is moving elsewhere for a job or more space or different school opportunities. There was some of that before but it's ramped up a lot and now I feel like building a village is so unlikely. My kid's "best friend" at school the last three years running has moved away each time. She handles it great, but man it's hard to start back up with new families each year trying to build connections.

I think I'm just burned out on community building at this point. I built my village, it fell apart, I feel too tired to try and do it again.

I'm the PP you're quoting and feel the bolded, too. One hundred percent. I'm so sorry your daughter has had to experience so much friend upheaval - that's tough.

One of my takeaways from this experience, which I've realized in the context of my kids getting older, is that the village is mostly about parents finding support for (and in) each other than it is about close-knit whole family experiences. It's rare that kids in these kinds of groups all stay close as they get older. It's not uncommon that parents are so focused on maintaining the village that they insist on kids maintaining peer relationships that no longer serve them. And so I've found comfort in rekindling my friendships with women who are there for me, who would be there for my family when we need it, but who aren't a part of our daily lives in the same way as the village was. I still miss it, but these friendships feel more sustainable and less vulnerable to the various undulations of life.

Hang in there, PP. This stuff is hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a village. One friend worked really hard to cultivate it and now it’s a group of families who are truly always there for each other. We text each other throughout the week. Celebrate each others successes, cry together, watch each other kids; now that they’re older, the kids wander in and out of each others houses. The kids are very much like cousins and I have a group of women (and their husbands) that I know I can call on at any minute. I am very lucky but to my first point, it takes hard work to get there. You can do it too.

But, again, when they were younger and you were working who watched the kids?

Your premise is false because the aspects of the “village” that OP is asking about are benefits associated with a time when most women didn’t work outside the home. So, their village didn’t provide that kind of care either. Those of us who paid for early child care during the work day but have friends or family that we can rely heavily on do indeed have that level of support OP is asking about. And it is amazing and to Pp’s you just have to never move or let your friends move lol.

Your definition of a “village“ essentially means that everybody has one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a village. It’s not family, it’s friends and neighbors with similar age kids. I help them and they help us, it’s rare but we know we are there for each other.
Last week during a storm my kid (11) was at the pool and they closed for thunder. I wasn’t there, a friend of mine brought her home, that’s being a village….

+1

The Village has to be reciprocal, OP - otherwise it is just “using someone”, which does happen.

I have been the friend who got used in this way and it's demoralizing. And also made me less willing to offer my time when people need it, because it's so draining to be generous with your time and energy only to have people totally disappear when you need help.

I think that's one of the big obstacles to forming a village. You need mutual buy in and reciprocity, and I think there are more people today who are happy to take and not to give, and that in turns leads to people like me, who have to learn to give less just for our own sanity.

Whoah! Holy score keeping! Nothing about the pool example implies it was not reciprocal. And to another poster, people don’t have to watch your kid during work hours to make it a “village”. The pool example was a perfect village example to me.

I live in a neighborhood with lots of families with elementary age kids. I have both been the mom who got the text “pool closing for thunder, I’ll bring Larlo to my house. Let me know if he can stay and play or if you want to come get him”. I have also been the mom sending that text. It’s not being an emergency contact who has to be contacted by the pool staff when they can’t get ahold of a parent. It’s knowing your neighbors and their kids well enough that
1. You know the parent is ok with their kid being in your car or in your home
2. You have contact information for the parent readily available
3. You see a situation and know that it’s ok to step in and “parent” the other person’s child instead of calling them and asking what to do.

The people on here with no village are probably the same people in the real estate forum who scoff at the idea or are actively hostile at the idea of socializing with neighbors. I am not besties with every mom for a 3 block radius, but if I was stuck in traffic or if Metro broke down, I have 5 or more people I can text to ask if they can pick up my kid at school. I work from home across the street from school most of the time and those same people know that if their kid was sick at school and they were an hour away, that I would pick up the kid and comfort them until they got home. I walk kids to school with mine when other people have early meetings. I stop to help a kid with a skinned knee who fell off their bike 3 blocks from home. Having a village and being a village is about the kids in the neighborhood knowing I’m “Larlo’s Mom” and that I’m a safe person to ask for help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a village. One friend worked really hard to cultivate it and now it’s a group of families who are truly always there for each other. We text each other throughout the week. Celebrate each others successes, cry together, watch each other kids; now that they’re older, the kids wander in and out of each others houses. The kids are very much like cousins and I have a group of women (and their husbands) that I know I can call on at any minute. I am very lucky but to my first point, it takes hard work to get there. You can do it too.

But, again, when they were younger and you were working who watched the kids?

Your premise is false because the aspects of the “village” that OP is asking about are benefits associated with a time when most women didn’t work outside the home. So, their village didn’t provide that kind of care either. Those of us who paid for early child care during the work day but have friends or family that we can rely heavily on do indeed have that level of support OP is asking about. And it is amazing and to Pp’s you just have to never move or let your friends move lol.

Your definition of a “village“ essentially means that everybody has one.

Agree to disagree bro.

[Anonymous]

A village to me is a network of adults who are willing and able to step in and parent / coach / mentor your kids both when they see a situation spontaneously arise and when you ask for a favor. It is also being that person for other people’s kids.

I’m naturally awkward and introverted and yet I’ve managed to cultivate a village because my job is flexible and I am willing and able to help. We live in a neighborhood with a lot of State Dept families who move every few years. There are also families with military members who get deployed and families with nurses, doctors, and firefighters who work long shifts that don’t align with school and 9-5 office hours. To the people who say “never move and hope people in your village don’t move away” - I’ve learned a lot from watching those families. They are fantastic at quickly forming community and building their village because they have no choice. They have figured out what they can offer and I have not found them to be takers that fail to reciprocate.

I don’t know who all these miserable posters are who think grandparents who help out are being used or that any favor given or received is something to tally on a scorecard. It is possible that I give more than I take - but I don’t keep score because giving and being helpful makes me happy. I can think of only two families in my neighborhood who have parents I would describe as takers or who seem to feel weirdly entitled to the volunteer labor of others - but I am still kind and generous to their kids. The kids didn’t ask to be born to those parents. I assume positive intent of others. I’d rather be wrong and stress free than seething about that season I drove 63% of the car pool.