What is “a village”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a village. It’s not family, it’s friends and neighbors with similar age kids. I help them and they help us, it’s rare but we know we are there for each other.
Last week during a storm my kid (11) was at the pool and they closed for thunder. I wasn’t there, a friend of mine brought her home, that’s being a village….

+1

The Village has to be reciprocal, OP - otherwise it is just “using someone”, which does happen.

I have been the friend who got used in this way and it's demoralizing. And also made me less willing to offer my time when people need it, because it's so draining to be generous with your time and energy only to have people totally disappear when you need help.

I think that's one of the big obstacles to forming a village. You need mutual buy in and reciprocity, and I think there are more people today who are happy to take and not to give, and that in turns leads to people like me, who have to learn to give less just for our own sanity.

Agree. In my SAHM days it was constant asking for free childcare, accepting packages, "if you go to the store, pick up ',milk, bread, etc.,.". Nothing was ever reciprocated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me, it’s grandparents who step in and provide childcare on a regular basis. And my sister, who I see every weekend.

That's family. That's not a village.

[Anonymous]

Hippy bullshit that doesn't exist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a village. One friend worked really hard to cultivate it and now it’s a group of families who are truly always there for each other. We text each other throughout the week. Celebrate each others successes, cry together, watch each other kids; now that they’re older, the kids wander in and out of each others houses. The kids are very much like cousins and I have a group of women (and their husbands) that I know I can call on at any minute. I am very lucky but to my first point, it takes hard work to get there. You can do it too.

NP - I had this and was the person who cultivated it. It's hard work AND a lot of luck: people you like that much in close proximity, adults who all get along decently and have similar flexibility, no one moving away (which is what happened to my "village"), etc. Not everyone can do it, frankly, for lacking the neighbors or the skills to cultivate or whatever. Cherish every moment of it when you do have it.

[Anonymous]

A village is something that is incompatible with late stage capitalism. If you're lucky, you get a few friends!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a village. One friend worked really hard to cultivate it and now it’s a group of families who are truly always there for each other. We text each other throughout the week. Celebrate each others successes, cry together, watch each other kids; now that they’re older, the kids wander in and out of each others houses. The kids are very much like cousins and I have a group of women (and their husbands) that I know I can call on at any minute. I am very lucky but to my first point, it takes hard work to get there. You can do it too.

But, again, when they were younger and you were working who watched the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a in village. It’s not family, it’s friends and neighbors with similar age kids. I help them and they help us, it’s rare but we know we are there for each other.
Last week during a storm my kid (11) was at the pool and they closed for thunder. I wasn’t there, a friend of mine brought her home, that’s being a village….

Meh. That’s not a “village.” That’s an emergency contact. Does the friend watch your kid while you work?

I’m the PP, the friend was there with her own kids. Not an emergency contact, just happened to be at the pool.
This was just a recent example, if her kid was there alone I would have done the same thing. Earlier in the summer a different kid was there and my kid was getting a snack from snack bar. Different kid had no money, I gave her $3 to get an ice cream with my kid…… to me that’s village parenting too.

Nope. That’s nothing special. Sorry. I’d give a strange kid $3 for ice cream.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, it’s grandparents who step in and provide childcare on a regular basis. And my sister, who I see every weekend.

Free babysitting and house checking for those who have children and are too lazy to care for them. Let's call it what it is!

Wrong. It’s not “babysitting” when it’s grandparents or aunts / uncles. It’s “caring.” That’s what a village is.

One of my kids and I were laughing about our situation this weekend. We (the grandparents) had all the grandkids overnight. She’s the mother of the older ones but the younger one (a toddler) was with us too. On the way out the door our daughter laughed and pointed at the toddler and said “do you think she ever wonders where the hell she is now and which of us are her actual parents?”Obviously it’s a joke out in our family the kids are passed around like basketballs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a village. It’s not family, it’s friends and neighbors with similar age kids. I help them and they help us, it’s rare but we know we are there for each other.
Last week during a storm my kid (11) was at the pool and they closed for thunder. I wasn’t there, a friend of mine brought her home, that’s being a village….

and back in the day, there would have been a dozen moms who knew you and your siblings at the pool and would have offered you a ride home. They didn't keep score with our mom. They were always local and available to help out, keep an eye out for one another. You could be at choir practice, the library, tennis lessons, a little league game etc. and either your parent would give rides or others would offer you. Somehow it just worked out.

[Anonymous]

For my neighbor, it's asking the neighbors to do stupid stuff for her only child because she wants to go to hair appointments, massage appointments, and lunches with friends. She calls it a village. I call it annoying.

[Anonymous]

I realized I'd built a village when I had several families offer to be our on call person for when I went into labor with DC3 and I didn't feel at all guilty taking them up on it because I knew I'd offer the same for them. And my kids knew them and I trusted them etc....and it'd be the same in return.

I've since moved and its much more stressful not having that village. I can hire all the help in the world, but its the "I've got your back and you've got mine" that you can't hire for, whether its watching out for each other's children around the neighborhood, happily helping out in a pinch, being another trusted adult your kids can go to, or being the people that bring some joy into the day to day routine of kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a in village. It’s not family, it’s friends and neighbors with similar age kids. I help them and they help us, it’s rare but we know we are there for each other.
Last week during a storm my kid (11) was at the pool and they closed for thunder. I wasn’t there, a friend of mine brought her home, that’s being a village….

Meh. That’s not a “village.” That’s an emergency contact. Does the friend watch your kid while you work?

I’m the PP, the friend was there with her own kids. Not an emergency contact, just happened to be at the pool.
This was just a recent example, if her kid was there alone I would have done the same thing. Earlier in the summer a different kid was there and my kid was getting a snack from snack bar. Different kid had no money, I gave her $3 to get an ice cream with my kid…… to me that’s village parenting too.

Nope. That’s nothing special. Sorry. I’d give a strange kid $3 for ice cream.

You seem weirdly hostile towards someone who’s just expressing gratitude for families their look out for each other. Please let the rest of us know what it takes to meet your “village” bar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a village. One friend worked really hard to cultivate it and now it’s a group of families who are truly always there for each other. We text each other throughout the week. Celebrate each others successes, cry together, watch each other kids; now that they’re older, the kids wander in and out of each others houses. The kids are very much like cousins and I have a group of women (and their husbands) that I know I can call on at any minute. I am very lucky but to my first point, it takes hard work to get there. You can do it too.

But, again, when they were younger and you were working who watched the kids?

Your premise is false because the aspects of the “village” that OP is asking about are benefits associated with a time when most women didn’t work outside the home. So, their village didn’t provide that kind of care either. Those of us who paid for early child care during the work day but have friends or family that we can rely heavily on do indeed have that level of support OP is asking about. And it is amazing and to Pp’s you just have to never move or let your friends move lol.

[Anonymous]

People who will help you out, even at personal inconvenience. People who will cancel plans if you need help. People who will offer practical help, not just a link to a resource you can call! (I had a dead possum in my garbage one day but wasn't positive he was dead so I called a friend, and she said, "Hang on I'll be right there!" and showed up with a contractor sized garbage bag and heavy gloves. That's part of your village.)

And of course to be a part of that kind of village you also offer help in kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a village. One friend worked really hard to cultivate it and now it’s a group of families who are truly always there for each other. We text each other throughout the week. Celebrate each others successes, cry together, watch each other kids; now that they’re older, the kids wander in and out of each others houses. The kids are very much like cousins and I have a group of women (and their husbands) that I know I can call on at any minute. I am very lucky but to my first point, it takes hard work to get there. You can do it too.

But, again, when they were younger and you were working who watched the kids?

Your premise is false because the aspects of the “village” that OP is asking about are benefits associated with a time when most women didn’t work outside the home. So, their village didn’t provide that kind of care either. Those of us who paid for early child care during the work day but have friends or family that we can rely heavily on do indeed have that level of support OP is asking about. And it is amazing and to Pp’s you just have to never move or let your friends move lol.

I'm probably the PP you're referring to - Lol! Trust me, I never anticipated a big part of my village moving. It blows. I guess the benefit is that it's made me even more appreciative of those folks who haven't moved and with whom we have mutually supportive relationships. Nothing's a guarantee, so I'll put in the work while I can!