What is “a village”?

[Anonymous]

The village of yesteryear is really gone. Nowadays, people socialize more outside of their neighborhood. Our kids do some things with their school friends. Their school friends are mixed over a dozen neighborhoods some nearer and some further (thanks to a school board that routinely redistricts where neighborhoods are zoned to go to school). But we are in a lot of activities and we tend to duplicate some aspects of the neighborhood among the activity groups. Namely, carpooling, parental supervision, visiting, etc.

For us, the new version of the village is text groups. When our kids are involved in activities, we find families that live near us and carpool and share parenting and we set up text pools for those groups. So, my kids are in scouts. We have a group of 5-6 families whose kids are all in the same scout troop and we text each other to see who is going to weekly meetings, who can carpool or chaperone the kids going to X event, so that we don't all have to go to the same one. We have a small group of parents from our kids friend group at school. We often text each other about what is going on at school, who is going to the extracurricular activity, if one of us is buying supplies for X event and picks up supplies for the group, etc. Not unusual when someone is running late for pickup and texts out asking if someone can take their kid either to their home or the driver's home so the late parent can pick them up somewhere else.

I have several groups associated with my kids friends in various activities and have a group of parents that I can text with for that activity/event for support. They key is to make sure that you are available and provide support to the group as often as you can. When everyone tries hard to do that, the group works. It's when you have someone who uses and doesn't reciprocate that it falls apart. So, try not to be that person. As my father taught me many years ago, you give when you have so that when you need, others will give back. I make sure to offer support before I need it and then people try harder to help when I need the help. And that sets a foundation for mutual support.

[Anonymous]

I am a single mom by choice. My village is other SMCs. I have never had closer friends.

[Anonymous]

My dh and I are nurses and we work all kids of crazy shifts. Our "village" is other nurses and staff who also do this. We welcome watching each others kids and they watch ours when overtime is suddenly demanded or storms keep us for double shifts, etc. We think nothing of our colleagues kids being dropped at our house with a change of clothes.

I don't get why other professions/neighbors/whatever don't jump in to form 'pools" to help each other out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dh and I are nurses and we work all kids of crazy shifts. Our "village" is other nurses and staff who also do this. We welcome watching each others kids and they watch ours when overtime is suddenly demanded or storms keep us for double shifts, etc. We think nothing of our colleagues kids being dropped at our house with a change of clothes.

I don't get why other professions/neighbors/whatever don't jump in to form 'pools" to help each other out.

Huh? Neighbors do help each other out, as many on this thread have described. Maybe other shift workers do. Probably many military families do. But many of us work in "typical" enough professions that we're not drawn together in this way, i.e., we don't often need childcare for the situations you describe, because they almost never happen to us. That's why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a village. One friend worked really hard to cultivate it and now it’s a group of families who are truly always there for each other. We text each other throughout the week. Celebrate each others successes, cry together, watch each other kids; now that they’re older, the kids wander in and out of each others houses. The kids are very much like cousins and I have a group of women (and their husbands) that I know I can call on at any minute. I am very lucky but to my first point, it takes hard work to get there. You can do it too.

But, again, when they were younger and you were working who watched the kids?

Your premise is false because the aspects of the “village” that OP is asking about are benefits associated with a time when most women didn’t work outside the home. So, their village didn’t provide that kind of care either. Those of us who paid for early child care during the work day but have friends or family that we can rely heavily on do indeed have that level of support OP is asking about. And it is amazing and to Pp’s you just have to never move or let your friends move lol.

Your definition of a “village“ essentially means that everybody has one.

Agree to disagree bro.

Who lives in a world where (1) if they were at the pool with their kids and it started thundering and they closed the pool and another kid who you knew was there without parents wouldn’t give the other kid a ride (2) if you were buying your kid ice cream and saw another kid who didn’t have money wouldn’t buy an ice cream for that kid too?

If that’s all it takes to create a Village, then the whole world is a Village.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dh and I are nurses and we work all kids of crazy shifts. Our "village" is other nurses and staff who also do this. We welcome watching each others kids and they watch ours when overtime is suddenly demanded or storms keep us for double shifts, etc. We think nothing of our colleagues kids being dropped at our house with a change of clothes.

I don't get why other professions/neighbors/whatever don't jump in to form 'pools" to help each other out.

Huh? Neighbors do help each other out, as many on this thread have described. Maybe other shift workers do. Probably many military families do. But many of us work in "typical" enough professions that we're not drawn together in this way, i.e., we don't often need childcare for the situations you describe, because they almost never happen to us. That's why.

I don't quite agree with this poster who responded I read endless threads on DCUM by families who need after-school care for a couple of hours. In our "neighborhood/ village," kids who are latchkey just play at other kids houses for an hour or two or do their homework together. Sometimes it works the other way on weekends when parents need to get out for an errand or two and they watch the others' kids or tag along to the kids' soccer practice. It all evens out and we know we can count on each other. I don't thnk there is a whole lotta folks these days who work 9-5 without flexibility. I know my kids' friends come over 4-5pm most days to get their homework done -- so what? Then my kids go over to their house on a weekend night for a couple of hours if DH and I want a quick meal to ourselves on a Sat night. No one is talking beyond 2 hours here in any of these situations. We are white collar office workers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are way more judgmental now as well which means any neighbors and friends in your village better be non smokers who share your parenting philosophy, food habits and political beliefs. You're searching for unicorns.

“Nonsmokers?” Are you writing from 1979?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dh and I are nurses and we work all kids of crazy shifts. Our "village" is other nurses and staff who also do this. We welcome watching each others kids and they watch ours when overtime is suddenly demanded or storms keep us for double shifts, etc. We think nothing of our colleagues kids being dropped at our house with a change of clothes.

I don't get why other professions/neighbors/whatever don't jump in to form 'pools" to help each other out.

Huh? Neighbors do help each other out, as many on this thread have described. Maybe other shift workers do. Probably many military families do. But many of us work in "typical" enough professions that we're not drawn together in this way, i.e., we don't often need childcare for the situations you describe, because they almost never happen to us. That's why.

I don't quite agree with this poster who responded I read endless threads on DCUM by families who need after-school care for a couple of hours. In our "neighborhood/ village," kids who are latchkey just play at other kids houses for an hour or two or do their homework together. Sometimes it works the other way on weekends when parents need to get out for an errand or two and they watch the others' kids or tag along to the kids' soccer practice. It all evens out and we know we can count on each other. I don't thnk there is a whole lotta folks these days who work 9-5 without flexibility. I know my kids' friends come over 4-5pm most days to get their homework done -- so what? Then my kids go over to their house on a weekend night for a couple of hours if DH and I want a quick meal to ourselves on a Sat night. No one is talking beyond 2 hours here in any of these situations. We are white collar office workers.

If this is actually happening to you with elementary school kids, you have a very unusual situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are way more judgmental now as well which means any neighbors and friends in your village better be non smokers who share your parenting philosophy, food habits and political beliefs. You're searching for unicorns.

“Nonsmokers?” Are you writing from 1979?

Naahh. I'm the SMC mom. I just trust my village to make sure my kid is ok while I am not there. I don't care that the other mom is a Dem, a smoker, or meat -eater. My kid knows "those types" of people exist and are our friends, despite our differences.

[Anonymous]

I would think a village is grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins and close family friends.

I posted a thread about envying townies and I think my thread got pulled. Dh and I moved around for college, grad school and work. We don’t live close to our family or friends from before we had kids. I envy those who went to college in the same state, married someone from the same area and work and live close to all their friends and family.

Dh earns a seven figure income so we can hire whatever help we need. He would not have been able to earn this in his home state. We would not have gotten married if he didn’t follow me to NYC. Now we live in the DMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are way more judgmental now as well which means any neighbors and friends in your village better be non smokers who share your parenting philosophy, food habits and political beliefs. You're searching for unicorns.

“Nonsmokers?” Are you writing from 1979?

I'm not interested in making a village with moms who smoke pot either. Or eat edibles, own pit bulls, or are hoarders. I don't particularly care about politics but if they have more than one woke lawn sign I'd rather not get close

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are way more judgmental now as well which means any neighbors and friends in your village better be non smokers who share your parenting philosophy, food habits and political beliefs. You're searching for unicorns.

“Nonsmokers?” Are you writing from 1979?

I'm not interested in making a village with moms who smoke pot either. Or eat edibles, own pit bulls, or are hoarders. I don't particularly care about politics but if they have more than one woke lawn sign I'd rather not get close

Oh, you’re dumb. Got it. Sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would think a village is grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins and close family friends.

I posted a thread about envying townies and I think my thread got pulled. Dh and I moved around for college, grad school and work. We don’t live close to our family or friends from before we had kids. I envy those who went to college in the same state, married someone from the same area and work and live close to all their friends and family.

Dh earns a seven figure income so we can hire whatever help we need. He would not have been able to earn this in his home state. We would not have gotten married if he didn’t follow me to NYC. Now we live in the DMV.

I think the concept of a village is more about the one you build, not the one you're fortunate enough to be born into. So, close family friends, sure, but if your village is immediate and extended family, IMO, that means you lucked out in the family department. That's very different than putting in the effort to cultivate a village of your own making. Not everyone has the option for a village of family.

[Anonymous]

What I'm reading is that a village can mean a lot of things to a lot of different people. A lot of it seems to be centered around the ability to provide care or oversight for each other's children. To me, it's a bit more than that as it also encompasses that idea of a community that's there for each other. Sometimes DCUM depresses me since it feels like there's many places where the fabric of community or a sense of being interconnected isn't there, but other times I like reading people's posts in this thread about that commitment to each other.

Example, a few years ago my husband unexpectedly had a medical emergency. Without being asked friends showed up with meals, arranged carpools so that my kids didn't have to miss extracurriculars, and a neighborhood dad came over and mowed our lawn. Are these things I could have figured out on my own - of course. Did it make life easier to have some of the practicalities taken care of by others so I could focus on caring for DH? Yes. People cared and people stepped in. Would that have happened if we weren't invested in building relationships with others? Probably not.

Your village are those people you can call on when needed, who are there for you in good times and bad. Who step in for the little stuff and the big stuff. YMMV.

[Anonymous]

My mom, my grandmas, and as far as I know, my great-grandmothers didn’t have a village. Lower middle class and working class, lived in urban areas, mostly apartments, not near lots of family. They didn’t have helpful partners either. I have a better support system (even though it’s not really “a village” either). I think people view the past with rose colored glasses.