How do I communicate with someone who can’t?

[Anonymous]

He won’t change. He probably doesn’t have the ability to be a partner that can effectively support life administration for anyone but himself. It is too bad you had kids with him. You need to decide if this is how you want to live for the rest of your life.

For everyone saying this is small stuff, it’s small stuff here and there. Constantly, day after day, year over year, it is exhausting, and not something the OP must deal with. She can choose to, or she can leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He won’t change. He probably doesn’t have the ability to be a partner that can effectively support life administration for anyone but himself. It is too bad you had kids with him. You need to decide if this is how you want to live for the rest of your life.

For everyone saying this is small stuff, it’s small stuff here and there. Constantly, day after day, year over year, it is exhausting, and not something the OP must deal with. She can choose to, or she can leave.

I think people like this can operate as a partner in a smaller space. They can only do work outside the home and then be entertained at home. They can't be an "equal partner" and it's no use trying to make it happen. The majority of men outside the US are like this. They aren't able to function in the home. They can only make money, say thank you for the meal and have sex, and hang out with their bro gang. They like the allure of the striver life's benefits in the US, but have no means to achieve it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think he has autism with comorbid personality issues, anxiety, and auditory processing. It just gets worse with age and that’s what you are noticing. Like how people get dementia when they are older. It means his brain will never be neurotypical and you will beat yourself up trying to make situations go as planned. The loopholes is a strong trait of someone with high anxiety and depression. The person who said to make things light and turn it into fun is spot on. It will help both you and him have a better relationship if you find the loopholes and just move on and make each blunder a positive. Because of the disorder they are very sensitive to criticism. It’s immaturity but there isn’t Anything you can do about it other than to just go along with the blunder. People like this can be very loyal but they will not tolerate criticism. You don’t have to accept it’s correct. You just have to work with what happened in a pleasant way.

This and the comment below it about autism are probably accurate and I’m feeling such sorrow now.

At one point years ago I thought that my DH’s quickness to snap at me and lack of energy for family life might be depression and somehow convinced him to talk to his doctor about it. She diagnosed him with depression and prescribed antidepressants, which sat on our counter untouched and eventually disappeared. When I made the mistake of asking why he’d never taken any of them, he again blew up at me and said “I can’t take any more medication! How many more things am I supposed to have wrong with me?”. (He was on ADD meds and allergy medication at the time). He couldn’t see that he might feel better if he took the medication, only that the diagnosis itself was something to be defensive about and to deflect. I stopped bringing it up but have always wondered if treating what might be depression would have improved our relationship. Now I can see that even his reaction to the diagnosis/medication suggests issues. -OP

[Anonymous]

He has depression from the ADHD/ASD. Criticizing him doesn't help. Before it spirals out of control, try to live with him mistakes and all and just go with life being topsy turvy and smaller. You might find out you enjoy it and have more time for fun things yourself.

[Anonymous]

And OP, if he loves you and is trying to work on things, take it as a blessing. There just aren't a lot of men out there than can do life's administration besides their own. They don't exist. And if they do, they are taken or they are helping everyone and don't have that much time for family.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry Op.

This is so hard and so wrong of behavior.

It’s hard to tell if he’s just low capacity okus lashing out or if he just doesn’t care and won’t put in a base level of effort into household needs or controlling his temper.

First he needs an anti anger med, call it anti anxiety, like lexapro
Next he needs executive functioning coach to get some new systems and habits that allow him to function like an adult, call it “systems coaching.” This should not be a spouse, bad dynamic, even through you could prob offer tons of tips
Finally, he needs an individual therapist to learn how to control him temper/immature reactions, better communicate verbally and written, and repairs the relationship. This therapist needs to make every third appointment a joint one with both of you. Peal back the onion with some examples good and bad from the week and understand what each of you are working on. Therapy is effort, it sitting there talking. He needs to do the homework. It will save his marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I showed him the text and said “I asked you to get pasta shells. What happened?”

This doesn’t sound like great communication on your part either. You sound like you are his mother and he is your child. Even if you’re not doing it on purpose, who does want to be spoken to as if they were stupid?

Oh hell no. He’s yelling at her to tell him what kind of pasta to get. Why doesn’t he have any responsibility to read? Acknowledge he made a mistake?

The kicker is, all he had to do is look at the text, read it, think, and apologize. “Oh jeez, I missed that, sorry, won’t happen again,” and move on.

Then no hurt feelings on either side. She wouldn’t be talking about it nor posting on DCUM. Everyone moves on and he takes more time and care reading is ructions.

Instead, he escalates, blows up, DARVO pattern, and starts an argument to deflect. That’s verbal and emotional abuse.

I cannot imagine going through this pattern multiple times a week. I hope the children don’t copy his terrible behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let go of the things you can let go of. Make the pasta salad with penne, and credit him for trying. For the stuff that really matters talk with no distractions and/or talk and follow up with text or writing.

I hear that, but I feel like his blow-ups have cornered me into letting go of everything- I shoulder all of the responsibility vs. he gets to just do his thing feels like a terrible imbalance and nothing close to a partnership.

Can you give us an example of where it really mattered? You've come here and chosen a petty example.

Sure- the important thing is not that these things happened, but when he found out he’d executed them incorrectly he blamed me for being upset or frustrated rather than acknowledging that something went wrong, and says it isn’t fair of me to say anything because “that makes him feel stupid”:

-scheduling a flight for a certain time and day that were basically the opposite of when it needed to be (think Monday early morning instead of Saturday afternoon)

-needing to be available for childcare on a certain evening 1x/year, and scheduling an avoidable but uncancellable event for the same time 48 hours before

-given directions and address to a place in multiple forms but he still went absolute wrong way and was late for pickup, leaving child in a dark facility with one employee after hours

-asking him to pick up a specific birthday gift for a specific person at a store (photo and location included) and he came home with something entirely different that was not age appropriate and said he didn’t understand what I wanted

-giving the dog the wrong timing and dose of medication despite written instructions

If I hear “how was I supposed to know?” one more time, I don’t know what I’ll do.

Gawd, he sounds like a total idiot.

[Anonymous]

He doesn’t care Op.

He does not care.

Don’t bother wondering why- misogynist, narcissist, lazy, adhd, learning disorders.

Go out with your friends more and minimize your time with him. You’ll be happy and he’ll be a smaller and smaller part of your orbit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I showed him the text and said “I asked you to get pasta shells. What happened?”

This doesn’t sound like great communication on your part either. You sound like you are his mother and he is your child. Even if you’re not doing it on purpose, who does want to be spoken to as if they were stupid?

So what should I say? I’m not asking rhetorically. How do I respond to this stuff?

In this instance: You could have nipped it in the bud long before it got to the blow up thing. You say ha ha ha LOL oh wow you got both that’s funny I appreciate it—but I actually meant the seashell pasta! You know, be kind? He could have felt silly and apologized all on his own, but there wasn’t even space to do that. This is the biggest nothingburger to bring him into the proverbial principal’s office for.

But you’re right, once it has escalated to the point of no return there is nothing that you can really effectively respond with. The best way to disengage is to not even start.

He already successfully got her to disengage in 100s of other responsibilities when he threw a childish tantrum for messing up. That’s his MO. And it works. He doesn’t improve and he doesn’t want to be involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying that DH is too literal and it is exhausting, OP? If so, I hear you. DH and all of his family are entirely this way - their communication skills are basically non-existent, and they look for loopholes. I am certain there is a name for it. You learn to be overly specific, without being condescending, and without giving them anything to find fault about. Be precise and to the point.

Some people just like to argue/be right/like drama/be snarky or mean - add stubborn, and wow, good times. And yes, it is exhausting. It is what they are accustomed to, and it sucks.

Sounds like no common sense. Plus poor reading, listening and comprehension skills. He needs more scaffolding from a professional coach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying that DH is too literal and it is exhausting, OP? If so, I hear you. DH and all of his family are entirely this way - their communication skills are basically non-existent, and they look for loopholes. I am certain there is a name for it. You learn to be overly specific, without being condescending, and without giving them anything to find fault about. Be precise and to the point.

Some people just like to argue/be right/like drama/be snarky or mean - add stubborn, and wow, good times. And yes, it is exhausting. It is what they are accustomed to, and it sucks.

OP here and YES. Everything you wrote especially the literal and loophole parts. Maybe there is one of those compound words in German to describe it. And yes, it is exhausting. I am beat down and feel so low.

Aspergers along with the adhd. Especially if the adhd meds don’t help him focus and hold a convo

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, this doesn’t seem like a communication problem but an ADD problem. My husband has add and is medicated but it won’t change the fact that he is very forgetful, impulsive, lost when it comes to directions, gets defensive, etc. How do I handle it? I call him out on things that are important. I secretly roll my eyes at things that aren’t necessarily a big deal. Also, I do things myself if I want it done correctly or a specific way. Keep in mind that you calling him out multiple times isn’t going to take away the fact that he already dropped the ball so yes, let it go sometimes.

OP again. The “impulsive” part of your description struck a nerve with me. Yes, it’s almost like my DH just grabs at stuff (explanations, dates, cardinal directions…pasta) and runs with it without regards to what he’s actually doing. And in hindsight, all of this stuff happens after 4 pm.

I think it is probably a medication thing but he’s already on a morning and a 1 pm dose (which is often forgotten!). I don’t see us having a productive conversation about changing things up ADD/med-wise since it’s obviously a huge source of insecurity for him.

Yes he’s lashing out to protect his ego and image.
Prob the straight As, good at the office and a nice married guy image he hides behind. The absent minded quirky professor type who can figure his way out of a paper bag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Someone who can’t read a two-word phrase, process it, and act on it is indeed stupid and/or using weaponized incompetence as a relationship tool.

+1

That’s the pattern here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH has what I perceive to be major communication deficits that he refuses to acknowledge. When I communicate things verbally, he often mishears or does not remember what I’ve said. So, after many years of struggles and problems, we agreed that important and non-important things must be communicated in writing. Tedious, but fine. In theory it should work better. But it doesn’t, and when something goes wrong because he’s ignored what I wrote or made up something entirely different and he is faced with the consequences, he deflects and throws blame at me, and gets so upset when caught in his mistakes that he’ll raise his voice and essentially tantrum while demanding that I “drop it.” Our neighbors live very close so this is effective…but also manipulative and doesn’t improve our communication.

Today he blew up for the dumbest thing ever. I texted a 3-item grocery list at his request, which included “pasta shells” for a pasta salad that I frequently make or have him help me make.

While I was driving and unable to see his text reply, he asked “penne? Rotini?”

I came home and both types of pasta were on the counter. No shells. I showed him the text and said “I asked you to get pasta shells. What happened?”

He said, “how was I supposed to know what kind of pasta you wanted?” And it blew up from there. Instead of owning the mistake, he blamed me for mentioning the mistake and said I was making him feel stupid and we couldn’t talk about it anymore because “you’re just trying to make me feel stupid.” I wasn’t, but I do think he felt stupid and I also don’t know how to manage being on the receiving end of his joint communication/ego problems.

I have NO idea how to go forward- I literally cannot communicate any more specifically and I also cannot take over grocery shopping, which is one of the last tasks I don’t already do due to blowups like this.

How can I communicate with someone like this? I’m lost and frustrated and feel stuck.

To preemptively answer your questions:
1) he is on ADHD medication
2) he was not like this before we married or had kids, but he did travel a lot for work and was free to focus on nothing else. He is very very successful at work but not so successful that we can hire someone to buy proverbial pasta shells for us.

“I asked you go get pasta shells. What happened?” Says a lot about YOUR communication style. It’s accusatory and critical. And if you address him like this, it’s probably accumulated in him and he feels like nothing he does is ever good enough. It’s a common dynamic in a dysfunctional relationship where the woman sees herself as a task master and is a perfectionist. The blow ups indicate this accumulation.