How do I communicate with someone who can’t?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible you are overthinking the “why” and DH is just kind of an idiot?

X100000

It is how he is raised, OP. Truly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Following this thread, especially the posts about auditory processing, because OP, I feel like I am also married to your husband.

Do shells instead of penne really matter? No. But when it happens on a daily basis, you start to feel like you’re losing your mind, because you know you said it/wrote it down. So if you aren’t losing your mind, I at least feel like my life partner is perpetually checked out/not present, and that’s not a great feeling either (and neither is being called out for mistakes, I get that).

Wish you luck navigating this, OP.

Penne is useless for pasta salad. Rotini is actually better than shells, in my opinion. I will say that he did at least buy two different kinds of pasta rather than not buying any because he didn't know what shells were?

OP, I really feel for you, and I think your husband has handled many of this situations poorly and put you in a bad spot. However, for your own sanity, assuming you decide to stay married to him, could you just let EVERYTHING go for a while and see how it works? The way I see it, he makes a mistake (i.e. books a flight for the wrong time) and then you (1) tell him he did the wrong thing and he blows up and (2) have to fix it. (I'm not blaming you for telling him, by the way, just pointing out that that's a step in this process). What if instead you just (2) fixed it? You're having to fix it either way, but you're avoiding his blow up.

I get that you want him to acknowledge his mistake and apologize for it. That's what a normal, kind human being, never mind a spouse, should do. But your husband isn't that guy. I wonder if just not engaging when he does the wrong thing will help keep your blood pressure down since you're not going to get from him what you need.

If that doesn't work, then yeah, he needs to learn to fix it or you need to leave. But it doesn't sound like he's going to be willing to fix it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Following this thread, especially the posts about auditory processing, because OP, I feel like I am also married to your husband.

Do shells instead of penne really matter? No. But when it happens on a daily basis, you start to feel like you’re losing your mind, because you know you said it/wrote it down. So if you aren’t losing your mind, I at least feel like my life partner is perpetually checked out/not present, and that’s not a great feeling either (and neither is being called out for mistakes, I get that).

Wish you luck navigating this, OP.

Penne is useless for pasta salad. Rotini is actually better than shells, in my opinion. I will say that he did at least buy two different kinds of pasta rather than not buying any because he didn't know what shells were?

OP, I really feel for you, and I think your husband has handled many of this situations poorly and put you in a bad spot. However, for your own sanity, assuming you decide to stay married to him, could you just let EVERYTHING go for a while and see how it works? The way I see it, he makes a mistake (i.e. books a flight for the wrong time) and then you (1) tell him he did the wrong thing and he blows up and (2) have to fix it. (I'm not blaming you for telling him, by the way, just pointing out that that's a step in this process). What if instead you just (2) fixed it? You're having to fix it either way, but you're avoiding his blow up.

I get that you want him to acknowledge his mistake and apologize for it. That's what a normal, kind human being, never mind a spouse, should do. But your husband isn't that guy. I wonder if just not engaging when he does the wrong thing will help keep your blood pressure down since you're not going to get from him what you need.

If that doesn't work, then yeah, he needs to learn to fix it or you need to leave. But it doesn't sound like he's going to be willing to fix it?

Then OP gets to feel like a mother to an extra kid. Actually, I'm sure that she would be telling a kid when they messed up and how to improve. How is it having an equal partner if you can't depend on them to handle anything? If he doesn't see what she's asking for, he can call, text or FT her and ask what she would like instead. Communicate.

There are certain things I don't expect my husband to be able to do. For example, I sew and I wouldn't send him into a fabric store to find a specific fabric (unless it was a pick up of an order that is waiting for him at the front). However, I would expect him to be able to figure out the pasta aisle. On the flip side, my husband has sent me to the auto parts store before with a specific item in mind. I have no clue about any of those items or what the specifics mean. They didn't have it so I called him to ask what to get instead. I didn't just grab him something random and potentially useless just so that I could check it off my to do list and still leave him with more work to do.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes relationships aren't equal. Someone develops a mental health disorder. They get cancer. They lose their job. They get into a car accident. That's life. You can either keep the status quo, roll with it, or make a change.

[Anonymous]

Has he seen a doctor about this? How old is he? Some of this, including the anger, reads like early onset dementia or a brain tumor. I’m very familiar with ADHD and ASD; this sounds worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He won’t change. He probably doesn’t have the ability to be a partner that can effectively support life administration for anyone but himself. It is too bad you had kids with him. You need to decide if this is how you want to live for the rest of your life.

For everyone saying this is small stuff, it’s small stuff here and there. Constantly, day after day, year over year, it is exhausting, and not something the OP must deal with. She can choose to, or she can leave.

I think people like this can operate as a partner in a smaller space. They can only do work outside the home and then be entertained at home. They can't be an "equal partner" and it's no use trying to make it happen. The majority of men outside the US are like this. They aren't able to function in the home. They can only make money, say thank you for the meal and have sex, and hang out with their bro gang. They like the allure of the striver life's benefits in the US, but have no means to achieve it.

Is this…true?

No, of course not. These women just married losers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He won’t change. He probably doesn’t have the ability to be a partner that can effectively support life administration for anyone but himself. It is too bad you had kids with him. You need to decide if this is how you want to live for the rest of your life.

For everyone saying this is small stuff, it’s small stuff here and there. Constantly, day after day, year over year, it is exhausting, and not something the OP must deal with. She can choose to, or she can leave.

I think people like this can operate as a partner in a smaller space. They can only do work outside the home and then be entertained at home. They can't be an "equal partner" and it's no use trying to make it happen. The majority of men outside the US are like this. They aren't able to function in the home. They can only make money, say thank you for the meal and have sex, and hang out with their bro gang. They like the allure of the striver life's benefits in the US, but have no means to achieve it.

Is this…true?

No, of course not. These women just married losers.

It is true that most men around the world do not do much at home. Entire cultures are built around men not doing anything in the home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible you are overthinking the “why” and DH is just kind of an idiot?

X100000

It is how he is raised, OP. Truly.

Also try that most mental disorders are inherited and genetic. So that’s all they know, sadly.

[Anonymous]

I was dealing with this in my own marriage and I thought it was autism as well, but then I realized that I know a lot of people who are -way- on the spectrum and they don't lash out like this and they try to compensate for the disorder.

My advice? Google "covert narcissism". Or toxic relationship. It's hard to see, it's small stuff, lots of small stuff, it's being blamed, it's people who never apologize, it's getting deflection or stonewalling or the silent treatment when you try to address your needs, and it's their sulking if you don't address theirs. You can't really do anything about this if they don't think they have a problem, so you either have to come up with coping mechanisms or leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was dealing with this in my own marriage and I thought it was autism as well, but then I realized that I know a lot of people who are -way- on the spectrum and they don't lash out like this and they try to compensate for the disorder.

My advice? Google "covert narcissism". Or toxic relationship. It's hard to see, it's small stuff, lots of small stuff, it's being blamed, it's people who never apologize, it's getting deflection or stonewalling or the silent treatment when you try to address your needs, and it's their sulking if you don't address theirs. You can't really do anything about this if they don't think they have a problem, so you either have to come up with coping mechanisms or leave.

+1

Most of us with kids ignore the mental case narcissist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I will bet you $1,000,000 that your husband has an auditory processing disorder. It is a form of learning disability frequently found in combination with ADD.

I was wondering about an LD.

My bet is on receptive communication disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I will bet you $1,000,000 that your husband has an auditory processing disorder. It is a form of learning disability frequently found in combination with ADD.

I was wondering about an LD.

My bet is on receptive communication disorder.

Among 5 other things.

[Anonymous]

OMFG I could not be able to handle this- you are better than me.

[Anonymous]

Instacart, lady smh

[Anonymous]

How do you communicate with someone who can’t? Even if they are your spouse and parent of your children???

Unfortunately you can’t. So don’t bother. Save your energy and efforts for your job, children, friends and home. You’re the only adult around in your house, good luck.