How do I communicate with someone who can’t?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. Have you heard of Fair Play? It's a good read. It basically says that the person who does the task should do it all the way from planning to implementation unless an emergency. In this case you said he usually did the food shopping. Why is this if you are cooking? Is there another task that he can do all the way through? I'm sure planning is not his strong suit, but maybe it is cleaning and then you don't need to hire a cleaning person and you can order groceries online and have them delivered and then cook. Try to separate the tasks so that each person doesn't have to correct the other.

Sorry. Executive functioning skills are deficient and natural consequences don’t work for these types.
There are no “lessons learned” happening to apply for next time. That requires too much memory and effort. Home is the safe place, to unmask and let it all hang out.

[Anonymous]

It's to avoid arguing over things. Also, OP's husband has a phd I thought. He's not dumb. There are some things he can do around the house and learn from his mistakes on even if he's preoccupied with other things. Laundry on set days that are earlier than needed? Going to one store for set things each week. It's for OP's husband to agree to the tasks as well.

[Anonymous]

OP, how does he handle other tasks he genuinely enjoys and cares about? Are those executed well without error? Does it seem like he’s selective about what he puts thought into?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's to avoid arguing over things. Also, OP's husband has a phd I thought. He's not dumb. There are some things he can do around the house and learn from his mistakes on even if he's preoccupied with other things. Laundry on set days that are earlier than needed? Going to one store for set things each week. It's for OP's husband to agree to the tasks as well.

Lol. Mundane laundry?!? Fixed tasks where extra stuff always happens??!

High IQ or Phd means nothing when it comes to running a household, being a husband, being an active parent, providing emotional support and a partner. Nothing.

If anything it’s a red flag that they need the shelter of academias, slow pace, no decision making, super long term projects opining on hyperinterests, lack of real world experience, impracticality (who else hides in a 6-7 yr grad program?), and low income.

And I one should do a PhD unless it’s 80% + covered by grants.

[Anonymous]

I’d rather be with him than you. If everyone is below your standards you are better off alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d rather be with him than you. If everyone is below your standards you are better off alone.

She already slashed her standards of adulthood extremely low. They are at a below basic level at this point and he’s still incapable of figuring out what to do or follow basic directions.

Then add in his juvenile temper tantrums and she’s staying to protect the kids from his dysfunction, temper, and mental disorders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, how did the pasta salad come out?

Too starchy and carby.

You sure don't know how to cook.

[Anonymous]

He abusive anger outbursts should be the subject line Op, not communication issues.

If he’s not going to address the source of his snafus, then he really needs to address his out of control anger. A 12 step anger mgmt program could be structured enough to help his tempers even if he is autistic.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible you are overthinking the “why” and DH is just kind of an idiot?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He won’t change. He probably doesn’t have the ability to be a partner that can effectively support life administration for anyone but himself. It is too bad you had kids with him. You need to decide if this is how you want to live for the rest of your life.

For everyone saying this is small stuff, it’s small stuff here and there. Constantly, day after day, year over year, it is exhausting, and not something the OP must deal with. She can choose to, or she can leave.

I think people like this can operate as a partner in a smaller space. They can only do work outside the home and then be entertained at home. They can't be an "equal partner" and it's no use trying to make it happen. The majority of men outside the US are like this. They aren't able to function in the home. They can only make money, say thank you for the meal and have sex, and hang out with their bro gang. They like the allure of the striver life's benefits in the US, but have no means to achieve it.

Is this…true?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d rather be with him than you. If everyone is below your standards you are better off alone.

She already slashed her standards of adulthood extremely low. They are at a below basic level at this point and he’s still incapable of figuring out what to do or follow basic directions.

Then add in his juvenile temper tantrums and she’s staying to protect the kids from his dysfunction, temper, and mental disorders.

It's called life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d rather be with him than you. If everyone is below your standards you are better off alone.

She already slashed her standards of adulthood extremely low. They are at a below basic level at this point and he’s still incapable of figuring out what to do or follow basic directions.

Then add in his juvenile temper tantrums and she’s staying to protect the kids from his dysfunction, temper, and mental disorders.

It's called life.

Yes. And he cannot handle Life.

So yells and explodes to sweep that fact under the rug and deflect. Sad.

Kind and autistic is so much better than Mean and autistic. One is a positive coping method, other is maladaptive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible you are overthinking the “why” and DH is just kind of an idiot?

Reminds me of my MIL asking me, “oh, smart? What kid of smart is he?”

And I was what Whhaaaaa? She had seen his idiot side many more years than me at that point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you communicate like you’re OP. No guys can follow that. Remember, the more you talk, the less we hear. To the point. 10 words or less please.

1) It's fewer

2) She said pasta shells. That's two words.

I just Googled it because I was curious and the boxes literally say shells. Couldn't be clearer.

OP, I'm so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someone who can’t read a two-word phrase, process it, and act on it is indeed stupid and/or using weaponized incompetence as a relationship tool.

This exactly. It’s not about the pasta. It’s about the fact that she can’t pass 1 simple task to him and he complete it effectively. In this relationship, she is clearly shouldering 95% of the mental load and it’s not that she’s angry about the type of pasta but more irritated that he can’t complete one task, meanwhile she’s keeping everything else afloat.

Additionally, it’s not a situation of her setting him up to fail or anything. She clearly wrote what she needed. Then when asked about it, he effectively shuts down the conversation by saying “you’re making me feel stupid!” Or “how was I supposed to know?”. Yeah sure she could let it go about the pasta, or the dog medicine or this or that… but at what point is she going to feel like she doesn’t need him? He’s not contributing to the teamwork of running a household. He’s creating more problems.

Anyone else watch Vanderpump Rules? Because now that's all I can think of.