How do I communicate with someone who can’t?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I showed him the text and said “I asked you to get pasta shells. What happened?”

This doesn’t sound like great communication on your part either. You sound like you are his mother and he is your child. Even if you’re not doing it on purpose, who does want to be spoken to as if they were stupid?

So what should I say? I’m not asking rhetorically. How do I respond to this stuff?

In this instance: You could have nipped it in the bud long before it got to the blow up thing. You say ha ha ha LOL oh wow you got both that’s funny I appreciate it—but I actually meant the seashell pasta! You know, be kind? He could have felt silly and apologized all on his own, but there wasn’t even space to do that. This is the biggest nothingburger to bring him into the proverbial principal’s office for.

But you’re right, once it has escalated to the point of no return there is nothing that you can really effectively respond with. The best way to disengage is to not even start.

That feels like one person is always disengaging and releasing the other person from any responsibility. What am I missing? The DH basically does whatever he wants and the wife cleans up his messes? That’s a sucky solution for everyone but the DH.

[Anonymous]

Are you saying that DH is too literal and it is exhausting, OP? If so, I hear you. DH and all of his family are entirely this way - their communication skills are basically non-existent, and they look for loopholes. I am certain there is a name for it. You learn to be overly specific, without being condescending, and without giving them anything to find fault about. Be precise and to the point.

Some people just like to argue/be right/like drama/be snarky or mean - add stubborn, and wow, good times. And yes, it is exhausting. It is what they are accustomed to, and it sucks.

[Anonymous]

If you communicate like you’re OP. No guys can follow that. Remember, the more you talk, the less we hear. To the point. 10 words or less please.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, this doesn’t seem like a communication problem but an ADD problem. My husband has add and is medicated but it won’t change the fact that he is very forgetful, impulsive, lost when it comes to directions, gets defensive, etc. How do I handle it? I call him out on things that are important. I secretly roll my eyes at things that aren’t necessarily a big deal. Also, I do things myself if I want it done correctly or a specific way. Keep in mind that you calling him out multiple times isn’t going to take away the fact that he already dropped the ball so yes, let it go sometimes.

[Anonymous]

* your ^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying that DH is too literal and it is exhausting, OP? If so, I hear you. DH and all of his family are entirely this way - their communication skills are basically non-existent, and they look for loopholes. I am certain there is a name for it. You learn to be overly specific, without being condescending, and without giving them anything to find fault about. Be precise and to the point.

Some people just like to argue/be right/like drama/be snarky or mean - add stubborn, and wow, good times. And yes, it is exhausting. It is what they are accustomed to, and it sucks.

OP here and YES. Everything you wrote especially the literal and loophole parts. Maybe there is one of those compound words in German to describe it. And yes, it is exhausting. I am beat down and feel so low.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I showed him the text and said “I asked you to get pasta shells. What happened?”

This doesn’t sound like great communication on your part either. You sound like you are his mother and he is your child. Even if you’re not doing it on purpose, who does want to be spoken to as if they were stupid?

So what should I say? I’m not asking rhetorically. How do I respond to this stuff?

In this instance: You could have nipped it in the bud long before it got to the blow up thing. You say ha ha ha LOL oh wow you got both that’s funny I appreciate it—but I actually meant the seashell pasta! You know, be kind? He could have felt silly and apologized all on his own, but there wasn’t even space to do that. This is the biggest nothingburger to bring him into the proverbial principal’s office for.

But you’re right, once it has escalated to the point of no return there is nothing that you can really effectively respond with. The best way to disengage is to not even start.

That feels like one person is always disengaging and releasing the other person from any responsibility. What am I missing? The DH basically does whatever he wants and the wife cleans up his messes? That’s a sucky solution for everyone but the DH.

But in this instance the DH didn’t just do basically whatever he wants. DW gave him a task, and while he misinterpreted the task, he did it and made a good faith effort to fulfill her needs. This is not a mess to clean up. In fact, you can put either penne and rotini into pasta salad and the world will not end. Pick your battles, for heavens sake!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, this doesn’t seem like a communication problem but an ADD problem. My husband has add and is medicated but it won’t change the fact that he is very forgetful, impulsive, lost when it comes to directions, gets defensive, etc. How do I handle it? I call him out on things that are important. I secretly roll my eyes at things that aren’t necessarily a big deal. Also, I do things myself if I want it done correctly or a specific way. Keep in mind that you calling him out multiple times isn’t going to take away the fact that he already dropped the ball so yes, let it go sometimes.

OP again. The “impulsive” part of your description struck a nerve with me. Yes, it’s almost like my DH just grabs at stuff (explanations, dates, cardinal directions…pasta) and runs with it without regards to what he’s actually doing. And in hindsight, all of this stuff happens after 4 pm.

I think it is probably a medication thing but he’s already on a morning and a 1 pm dose (which is often forgotten!). I don’t see us having a productive conversation about changing things up ADD/med-wise since it’s obviously a huge source of insecurity for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I showed him the text and said “I asked you to get pasta shells. What happened?”

This doesn’t sound like great communication on your part either. You sound like you are his mother and he is your child. Even if you’re not doing it on purpose, who does want to be spoken to as if they were stupid?

So what should I say? I’m not asking rhetorically. How do I respond to this stuff?

In this instance: You could have nipped it in the bud long before it got to the blow up thing. You say ha ha ha LOL oh wow you got both that’s funny I appreciate it—but I actually meant the seashell pasta! You know, be kind? He could have felt silly and apologized all on his own, but there wasn’t even space to do that. This is the biggest nothingburger to bring him into the proverbial principal’s office for.

But you’re right, once it has escalated to the point of no return there is nothing that you can really effectively respond with. The best way to disengage is to not even start.

That feels like one person is always disengaging and releasing the other person from any responsibility. What am I missing? The DH basically does whatever he wants and the wife cleans up his messes? That’s a sucky solution for everyone but the DH.

But in this instance the DH didn’t just do basically whatever he wants. DW gave him a task, and while he misinterpreted the task, he did it and made a good faith effort to fulfill her needs. This is not a mess to clean up. In fact, you can put either penne and rotini into pasta salad and the world will not end. Pick your battles, for heavens sake!

+1. OP thinks her husband is stupid, finds ways to remind him she thinks he’s stupid, gets upset when he reacts to her calling him stupid. All over some stupid pasta.

[Anonymous]

Someone who can’t read a two-word phrase, process it, and act on it is indeed stupid and/or using weaponized incompetence as a relationship tool.

[Anonymous]

My DH is like this too. It’s exhausting. I try to make him do stuff with natural consequences. Like he is responsible for getting the kids to school bc the natural consequence of messing that up is he is late for work.

For the pasta, I would probably grocery order pasta or go myself or be VERY clear about the kind, maybe a picture instead of saying pasta shells. It’s annoying, but that’s what I know I have to do to get the pasta I actually want for the recipe.

[Anonymous]

One suggestion I've seen is having him repeat something back to you got any important instructions.

My husband is ADHD as well though no as bad as yours.

I'm increasingly realizing that, for one time occurrences that aren't routine, there's no way in heck he will remember, so you need to be reminding constantly as the event comes up - like when you need child care for a specific event twice a year.

Maybe you can teach him to live and die by his calendar. Once it's a routine, maybe he can be more relied on to execute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Someone who can’t read a two-word phrase, process it, and act on it is indeed stupid and/or using weaponized incompetence as a relationship tool.

This exactly. It’s not about the pasta. It’s about the fact that she can’t pass 1 simple task to him and he complete it effectively. In this relationship, she is clearly shouldering 95% of the mental load and it’s not that she’s angry about the type of pasta but more irritated that he can’t complete one task, meanwhile she’s keeping everything else afloat.

Additionally, it’s not a situation of her setting him up to fail or anything. She clearly wrote what she needed. Then when asked about it, he effectively shuts down the conversation by saying “you’re making me feel stupid!” Or “how was I supposed to know?”. Yeah sure she could let it go about the pasta, or the dog medicine or this or that… but at what point is she going to feel like she doesn’t need him? He’s not contributing to the teamwork of running a household. He’s creating more problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let go of the things you can let go of. Make the pasta salad with penne, and credit him for trying. For the stuff that really matters talk with no distractions and/or talk and follow up with text or writing.

I hear that, but I feel like his blow-ups have cornered me into letting go of everything- I shoulder all of the responsibility vs. he gets to just do his thing feels like a terrible imbalance and nothing close to a partnership.

Can you give us an example of where it really mattered? You've come here and chosen a petty example.

Sure- the important thing is not that these things happened, but when he found out he’d executed them incorrectly he blamed me for being upset or frustrated rather than acknowledging that something went wrong, and says it isn’t fair of me to say anything because “that makes him feel stupid”:

-scheduling a flight for a certain time and day that were basically the opposite of when it needed to be (think Monday early morning instead of Saturday afternoon)

-needing to be available for childcare on a certain evening 1x/year, and scheduling an avoidable but uncancellable event for the same time 48 hours before

-given directions and address to a place in multiple forms but he still went absolute wrong way and was late for pickup, leaving child in a dark facility with one employee after hours

-asking him to pick up a specific birthday gift for a specific person at a store (photo and location included) and he came home with something entirely different that was not age appropriate and said he didn’t understand what I wanted

-giving the dog the wrong timing and dose of medication despite written instructions

If I hear “how was I supposed to know?” one more time, I don’t know what I’ll do.

Leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someone who can’t read a two-word phrase, process it, and act on it is indeed stupid and/or using weaponized incompetence as a relationship tool.

This exactly. It’s not about the pasta. It’s about the fact that she can’t pass 1 simple task to him and he complete it effectively. In this relationship, she is clearly shouldering 95% of the mental load and it’s not that she’s angry about the type of pasta but more irritated that he can’t complete one task, meanwhile she’s keeping everything else afloat.

Additionally, it’s not a situation of her setting him up to fail or anything. She clearly wrote what she needed. Then when asked about it, he effectively shuts down the conversation by saying “you’re making me feel stupid!” Or “how was I supposed to know?”. Yeah sure she could let it go about the pasta, or the dog medicine or this or that… but at what point is she going to feel like she doesn’t need him? He’s not contributing to the teamwork of running a household. He’s creating more problems.

This.