How do I communicate with someone who can’t?

[Anonymous]

DH has what I perceive to be major communication deficits that he refuses to acknowledge. When I communicate things verbally, he often mishears or does not remember what I’ve said. So, after many years of struggles and problems, we agreed that important and non-important things must be communicated in writing. Tedious, but fine. In theory it should work better. But it doesn’t, and when something goes wrong because he’s ignored what I wrote or made up something entirely different and he is faced with the consequences, he deflects and throws blame at me, and gets so upset when caught in his mistakes that he’ll raise his voice and essentially tantrum while demanding that I “drop it.” Our neighbors live very close so this is effective…but also manipulative and doesn’t improve our communication.

Today he blew up for the dumbest thing ever. I texted a 3-item grocery list at his request, which included “pasta shells” for a pasta salad that I frequently make or have him help me make.

While I was driving and unable to see his text reply, he asked “penne? Rotini?”

I came home and both types of pasta were on the counter. No shells. I showed him the text and said “I asked you to get pasta shells. What happened?”

He said, “how was I supposed to know what kind of pasta you wanted?” And it blew up from there. Instead of owning the mistake, he blamed me for mentioning the mistake and said I was making him feel stupid and we couldn’t talk about it anymore because “you’re just trying to make me feel stupid.” I wasn’t, but I do think he felt stupid and I also don’t know how to manage being on the receiving end of his joint communication/ego problems.

I have NO idea how to go forward- I literally cannot communicate any more specifically and I also cannot take over grocery shopping, which is one of the last tasks I don’t already do due to blowups like this.

How can I communicate with someone like this? I’m lost and frustrated and feel stuck.

To preemptively answer your questions:
1) he is on ADHD medication
2) he was not like this before we married or had kids, but he did travel a lot for work and was free to focus on nothing else. He is very very successful at work but not so successful that we can hire someone to buy proverbial pasta shells for us.

[Anonymous]

Let go of the things you can let go of. Make the pasta salad with penne, and credit him for trying. For the stuff that really matters talk with no distractions and/or talk and follow up with text or writing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let go of the things you can let go of. Make the pasta salad with penne, and credit him for trying. For the stuff that really matters talk with no distractions and/or talk and follow up with text or writing.

I hear that, but I feel like his blow-ups have cornered me into letting go of everything- I shoulder all of the responsibility vs. he gets to just do his thing feels like a terrible imbalance and nothing close to a partnership.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let go of the things you can let go of. Make the pasta salad with penne, and credit him for trying. For the stuff that really matters talk with no distractions and/or talk and follow up with text or writing.

I hear that, but I feel like his blow-ups have cornered me into letting go of everything- I shoulder all of the responsibility vs. he gets to just do his thing feels like a terrible imbalance and nothing close to a partnership.

Can you give us an example of where it really mattered? You've come here and chosen a petty example.

[Anonymous]

Automate grocery delivery

Communication will still be an issue but at least it won’t be wasted on something as easily solvable as grocery list issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Automate grocery delivery

Communication will still be an issue but at least it won’t be wasted on something as easily solvable as grocery list issues.

Sure, but sometimes someone needs to get one more thing at the last minute or instacart doesn’t find something. And even outsourcing the grocery shopping means someone has to meal plan, make lists, etc.

[Anonymous]

I showed him the text and said “I asked you to get pasta shells. What happened?”

This doesn’t sound like great communication on your part either. You sound like you are his mother and he is your child. Even if you’re not doing it on purpose, who does want to be spoken to as if they were stupid?

[Anonymous]

Have you all ever pursued counseling? You could really benefit from having a place to work through questions like the one you’ve raised. You need some rules of engagement. Responding with “You’re just trying to make me look stupid” have to addressed and taken off the table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I showed him the text and said “I asked you to get pasta shells. What happened?”

This doesn’t sound like great communication on your part either. You sound like you are his mother and he is your child. Even if you’re not doing it on purpose, who does want to be spoken to as if they were stupid?

Oh hell no. He’s yelling at her to tell him what kind of pasta to get. Why doesn’t he have any responsibility to read? Acknowledge he made a mistake?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let go of the things you can let go of. Make the pasta salad with penne, and credit him for trying. For the stuff that really matters talk with no distractions and/or talk and follow up with text or writing.

I hear that, but I feel like his blow-ups have cornered me into letting go of everything- I shoulder all of the responsibility vs. he gets to just do his thing feels like a terrible imbalance and nothing close to a partnership.

Can you give us an example of where it really mattered? You've come here and chosen a petty example.

Sure- the important thing is not that these things happened, but when he found out he’d executed them incorrectly he blamed me for being upset or frustrated rather than acknowledging that something went wrong, and says it isn’t fair of me to say anything because “that makes him feel stupid”:

-scheduling a flight for a certain time and day that were basically the opposite of when it needed to be (think Monday early morning instead of Saturday afternoon)

-needing to be available for childcare on a certain evening 1x/year, and scheduling an avoidable but uncancellable event for the same time 48 hours before

-given directions and address to a place in multiple forms but he still went absolute wrong way and was late for pickup, leaving child in a dark facility with one employee after hours

-asking him to pick up a specific birthday gift for a specific person at a store (photo and location included) and he came home with something entirely different that was not age appropriate and said he didn’t understand what I wanted

-giving the dog the wrong timing and dose of medication despite written instructions

If I hear “how was I supposed to know?” one more time, I don’t know what I’ll do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I showed him the text and said “I asked you to get pasta shells. What happened?”

This doesn’t sound like great communication on your part either. You sound like you are his mother and he is your child. Even if you’re not doing it on purpose, who does want to be spoken to as if they were stupid?

So what should I say? I’m not asking rhetorically. How do I respond to this stuff?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I showed him the text and said “I asked you to get pasta shells. What happened?”

This doesn’t sound like great communication on your part either. You sound like you are his mother and he is your child. Even if you’re not doing it on purpose, who does want to be spoken to as if they were stupid?

Oh hell no. He’s yelling at her to tell him what kind of pasta to get. Why doesn’t he have any responsibility to read? Acknowledge he made a mistake?

But this is a really sh*tty attitude and not one to take up with someone who should be your partner—hence OP contributing to the feeling of not being partners. If my DH kept needling me and needling me to “own up to my mistakes”, my temperament is not one that I’d blow up, but I’d definitely look at him like he was nuts. Who speaks to other adults like that? What is he, my dad?

[Anonymous]

This seems…minor. He didn’t forget to pick up the kid at daycare…he got a different shape of pasta. Go with it, maybe it will be better than the original.
My DH & I are pretty lowkey, & we make these kinds of mistakes…and we don’t ride each other over it. I would be miserable if he reminded me/punished me for every misstep. Don’t sweat the small stuff?

[Anonymous]

Make the darn pasta salad with the rotini.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I showed him the text and said “I asked you to get pasta shells. What happened?”

This doesn’t sound like great communication on your part either. You sound like you are his mother and he is your child. Even if you’re not doing it on purpose, who does want to be spoken to as if they were stupid?

So what should I say? I’m not asking rhetorically. How do I respond to this stuff?

In this instance: You could have nipped it in the bud long before it got to the blow up thing. You say ha ha ha LOL oh wow you got both that’s funny I appreciate it—but I actually meant the seashell pasta! You know, be kind? He could have felt silly and apologized all on his own, but there wasn’t even space to do that. This is the biggest nothingburger to bring him into the proverbial principal’s office for.

But you’re right, once it has escalated to the point of no return there is nothing that you can really effectively respond with. The best way to disengage is to not even start.