Are some people just cheerful, or is she being fake?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She may just not be very smart and therefore she has more reason to be cheerful than most of us smart ones.

Such a strange thing to say!

OP, I have noticed people who are from the DC/MD/VA area are less trustful, and maybe a little more bitter, for whatever real or perceived reason. They also tend to pride themselves on being "introverts". My friends who have resided all around the world (or at least all around the nation!) tend to take themselves less seriously, be more accepting of all kinds of people (including egads, extroverts!), and are more live and let live types - which I did not understand until having lived elsewhere for a short period.

Point being, not everything is about you, and the smartest people I know are also good with people (including being personable and friendly) - I try to learn from them, instead of being paranoid and accusatory. Try it!

Hmmm. I was super trusting and also naturally cheerful when I moved to the DMV, and for about a decade after that. I got burned big time a few years back and have been working hard to be more skeptical of people and also to modulate my behavior to be less overtly friendly when dealing with people outside my immediate family and a close circle of friends. While not everyone in the DMV is like this, there are quite a few people here with what I call "sharp elbows" who are happy to take advantage of someone if it will get them an advantage. There are also many people here who assume that someone who friendly and cheerful is dumber than someone more serious and cynical.

It is annoying to have to "split" my personality this way, but I have found it does make it easier for me to navigate professional spaces and acquaintances. I think of it as saving my best for the people who deserve it. But yeah, I am way less trusting and friendly than I used to be. I learned the hard way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people need to stop calling others fake. It takes so much energy and effort to put on an act, PP. 99.99% of people aren't going to do that. They might exaggerate part of their personality for the workplace if they find it works for them... but it's not fake in the sense that they already have tendencies to be that way naturally.

I would have to fake it. That's why I worried.

You "would have", so you wouldn't actually fake it, because it's too much work. And why do you need to worry, even if she's putting on act? This is just a transaction, OP. You're not seeking a life partner here. Why are you expending this much mind space on your contractor's personality? You look like the weird one, here, not her.

I am worried I won't get honest feedback from someone who might not be honest with her personality.

She will give you honest feedback, but if she's usually very positive, bear in mind that she might couch criticism so constructively that you will have to pay attention to what she wants you to change.

My kids have had music teachers and academic tutors like this. They've learned to listen and pay attention to what actually needs to change, even when it's delivered like this, I kid you not: "Wow! This was very very good! Really very very very very very very good! Now if I can just hear that again, with a tiny bit more vibrato on the E string and articulation at the end of the phrase! But otherwise you did such a wonderful job!...!!!" (Large smile, sparkling eyes, all friendship and enthusiasm). Some people are like that.

This is fair (and your example is exactly what she's like). Thanks.

It’s called “sandwiching”, I have a friend that does this.

Sandwiching is SO obvious. We know you're only praising to get to the criticsm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people need to stop calling others fake. It takes so much energy and effort to put on an act, PP. 99.99% of people aren't going to do that. They might exaggerate part of their personality for the workplace if they find it works for them... but it's not fake in the sense that they already have tendencies to be that way naturally.

I would have to fake it. That's why I worried.

You "would have", so you wouldn't actually fake it, because it's too much work. And why do you need to worry, even if she's putting on act? This is just a transaction, OP. You're not seeking a life partner here. Why are you expending this much mind space on your contractor's personality? You look like the weird one, here, not her.

I am worried I won't get honest feedback from someone who might not be honest with her personality.

She will give you honest feedback, but if she's usually very positive, bear in mind that she might couch criticism so constructively that you will have to pay attention to what she wants you to change.

My kids have had music teachers and academic tutors like this. They've learned to listen and pay attention to what actually needs to change, even when it's delivered like this, I kid you not: "Wow! This was very very good! Really very very very very very very good! Now if I can just hear that again, with a tiny bit more vibrato on the E string and articulation at the end of the phrase! But otherwise you did such a wonderful job!...!!!" (Large smile, sparkling eyes, all friendship and enthusiasm). Some people are like that.

This is fair (and your example is exactly what she's like). Thanks.

It’s called “sandwiching”, I have a friend that does this.

Sandwiching is SO obvious. We know you're only praising to get to the criticsm.

No, there’s usually something good and bad worth noting. If the bread/compliments start to be things like, “I like your shirt,” or “your good eye didn’t creep me out while you were talking,” they might be stretching for a compliment. Otherwise, just roll with it and take the compliments at face value and work on improving whatever was criticized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people need to stop calling others fake. It takes so much energy and effort to put on an act, PP. 99.99% of people aren't going to do that. They might exaggerate part of their personality for the workplace if they find it works for them... but it's not fake in the sense that they already have tendencies to be that way naturally.

I would have to fake it. That's why I worried.

You "would have", so you wouldn't actually fake it, because it's too much work. And why do you need to worry, even if she's putting on act? This is just a transaction, OP. You're not seeking a life partner here. Why are you expending this much mind space on your contractor's personality? You look like the weird one, here, not her.

I am worried I won't get honest feedback from someone who might not be honest with her personality.

She will give you honest feedback, but if she's usually very positive, bear in mind that she might couch criticism so constructively that you will have to pay attention to what she wants you to change.

My kids have had music teachers and academic tutors like this. They've learned to listen and pay attention to what actually needs to change, even when it's delivered like this, I kid you not: "Wow! This was very very good! Really very very very very very very good! Now if I can just hear that again, with a tiny bit more vibrato on the E string and articulation at the end of the phrase! But otherwise you did such a wonderful job!...!!!" (Large smile, sparkling eyes, all friendship and enthusiasm). Some people are like that.

This is fair (and your example is exactly what she's like). Thanks.

It’s called “sandwiching”, I have a friend that does this.

Sandwiching is SO obvious. We know you're only praising to get to the criticsm.

No, there’s usually something good and bad worth noting. If the bread/compliments start to be things like, “I like your shirt,” or “your good eye didn’t creep me out while you were talking,” they might be stretching for a compliment. Otherwise, just roll with it and take the compliments at face value and work on improving whatever was criticized.

This is usually how they go.

[Anonymous]

Its not always fake sometimes its natural bon-homie joyfulness.

some of us are just born sour and suspect everyone else of pretending, but they're often not.

[Anonymous]

“ While not everyone in the DMV is like this, there are quite a few people here with what I call "sharp elbows" who are happy to take advantage of someone if it will get them an advantage. There are also many people here who assume that someone who friendly and cheerful is dumber than someone more serious and cynical.”

This is so true, it’s sad. I’m not highly cheerful k but I have a look and demeanor that people often construe as “nice,” and I run into the same phenomenon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people need to stop calling others fake. It takes so much energy and effort to put on an act, PP. 99.99% of people aren't going to do that. They might exaggerate part of their personality for the workplace if they find it works for them... but it's not fake in the sense that they already have tendencies to be that way naturally.

I would have to fake it. That's why I worried.

You "would have", so you wouldn't actually fake it, because it's too much work. And why do you need to worry, even if she's putting on act? This is just a transaction, OP. You're not seeking a life partner here. Why are you expending this much mind space on your contractor's personality? You look like the weird one, here, not her.

I am worried I won't get honest feedback from someone who might not be honest with her personality.

She will give you honest feedback, but if she's usually very positive, bear in mind that she might couch criticism so constructively that you will have to pay attention to what she wants you to change.

My kids have had music teachers and academic tutors like this. They've learned to listen and pay attention to what actually needs to change, even when it's delivered like this, I kid you not: "Wow! This was very very good! Really very very very very very very good! Now if I can just hear that again, with a tiny bit more vibrato on the E string and articulation at the end of the phrase! But otherwise you did such a wonderful job!...!!!" (Large smile, sparkling eyes, all friendship and enthusiasm). Some people are like that.

This is fair (and your example is exactly what she's like). Thanks.

It’s called “sandwiching”, I have a friend that does this.

Sandwiching is SO obvious. We know you're only praising to get to the criticsm.

No, there’s usually something good and bad worth noting. If the bread/compliments start to be things like, “I like your shirt,” or “your good eye didn’t creep me out while you were talking,” they might be stretching for a compliment. Otherwise, just roll with it and take the compliments at face value and work on improving whatever was criticized.

This is usually how they go.

I love your honesty and clarity. It sounds like you might have some work to do if your experience is that others find it difficult to compliment the work you’ve done. But it’s great that you were able to communicate so well. I feel like I really understood what your sentence meant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people need to stop calling others fake. It takes so much energy and effort to put on an act, PP. 99.99% of people aren't going to do that. They might exaggerate part of their personality for the workplace if they find it works for them... but it's not fake in the sense that they already have tendencies to be that way naturally.

I would have to fake it. That's why I worried.

You "would have", so you wouldn't actually fake it, because it's too much work. And why do you need to worry, even if she's putting on act? This is just a transaction, OP. You're not seeking a life partner here. Why are you expending this much mind space on your contractor's personality? You look like the weird one, here, not her.

I am worried I won't get honest feedback from someone who might not be honest with her personality.

She will give you honest feedback, but if she's usually very positive, bear in mind that she might couch criticism so constructively that you will have to pay attention to what she wants you to change.

My kids have had music teachers and academic tutors like this. They've learned to listen and pay attention to what actually needs to change, even when it's delivered like this, I kid you not: "Wow! This was very very good! Really very very very very very very good! Now if I can just hear that again, with a tiny bit more vibrato on the E string and articulation at the end of the phrase! But otherwise you did such a wonderful job!...!!!" (Large smile, sparkling eyes, all friendship and enthusiasm). Some people are like that.

This is fair (and your example is exactly what she's like). Thanks.

It’s called “sandwiching”, I have a friend that does this.

Sandwiching is SO obvious. We know you're only praising to get to the criticsm.

No, there’s usually something good and bad worth noting. If the bread/compliments start to be things like, “I like your shirt,” or “your good eye didn’t creep me out while you were talking,” they might be stretching for a compliment. Otherwise, just roll with it and take the compliments at face value and work on improving whatever was criticized.

This is usually how they go.

I love your honesty and clarity. It sounds like you might have some work to do if your experience is that others find it difficult to compliment the work you’ve done. But it’s great that you were able to communicate so well. I feel like I really understood what your sentence meant.

At least I'm not a hateful witch.

[Anonymous]

She’s a people pleaser and will go above & beyond for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am like this. Some people just are. I was described this way by others at age 9 so I think it's an innate personality thing. Please don't judge her!

There are a lot of positive and cheery people. I do feel sort of like it’s fake but it’s supposed to be a good fake. Like why would you want to hire a sourpuss over someone cheery and nice?

[Anonymous]

I’m like that. I’m very optimistic and generally happy. My mama says that I can be naive, but I can’t even help it, I get excited about things other people are excited about. Like I’ll get excited if you tell me you got a great parking space this morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people need to stop calling others fake. It takes so much energy and effort to put on an act, PP. 99.99% of people aren't going to do that. They might exaggerate part of their personality for the workplace if they find it works for them... but it's not fake in the sense that they already have tendencies to be that way naturally.

I would have to fake it. That's why I worried.

You "would have", so you wouldn't actually fake it, because it's too much work. And why do you need to worry, even if she's putting on act? This is just a transaction, OP. You're not seeking a life partner here. Why are you expending this much mind space on your contractor's personality? You look like the weird one, here, not her.

I am worried I won't get honest feedback from someone who might not be honest with her personality.

She will give you honest feedback, but if she's usually very positive, bear in mind that she might couch criticism so constructively that you will have to pay attention to what she wants you to change.

My kids have had music teachers and academic tutors like this. They've learned to listen and pay attention to what actually needs to change, even when it's delivered like this, I kid you not: "Wow! This was very very good! Really very very very very very very good! Now if I can just hear that again, with a tiny bit more vibrato on the E string and articulation at the end of the phrase! But otherwise you did such a wonderful job!...!!!" (Large smile, sparkling eyes, all friendship and enthusiasm). Some people are like that.

This is fair (and your example is exactly what she's like). Thanks.

It’s called “sandwiching”, I have a friend that does this.

Sandwiching is SO obvious. We know you're only praising to get to the criticsm.

No, there’s usually something good and bad worth noting. If the bread/compliments start to be things like, “I like your shirt,” or “your good eye didn’t creep me out while you were talking,” they might be stretching for a compliment. Otherwise, just roll with it and take the compliments at face value and work on improving whatever was criticized.

NP but this is the issue. If the compliments are genuine, sandwiching is a totally valid way to offer constructive feedback -- people need to know what they are doing right, and there is real value in ensuring someone stays motivated and enthusiastic.

But some people are just really bad at sandwiching and are doing it exclusively as a feedback strategy they have been taught. There's no heart. Often what happens is they always give the same "good" feedback and then their criticism is much more customized and insightful. If you are going to do this, don't sandwich at all. People will see straight through the fake compliments and it will feel like they are being placated.

Also, if the compliments in your sandwich sound fake, people will also be more inclined to dismiss the criticism. People don't trust someone who is transparently disingenuous, for good reason.

[Anonymous]

I am like this cheerful person OP describes.

I have my down times too.

I’ve learned a few things over time.

When I am in a greeting / meeting people type situation, it’s easy to default to cheerful side. I usually am genuinely happy to see someone or meet someone. I started a new tactic of asking myself how I really feel. Then, when we get into conversation, I actually state it. “(Warm greeting, back and forth) I am so happy to be here. Something I’ve looked forward to.” And then it leaves room for my friend to say how she’s feeling.

This happened last night. There was an event that is like the red circled day on my calendar. For her, because of her role, it was the beginning of a lot of work.

Previously, I think I would have been over the top cheerful. Because it was genuine. And because I wasn’t asking myself how I really feel. I would have said something like, “isn’t this great?” Yada yada.

A better example is more neutral. If I didn’t have a strong positive feeling, Id ask myself how I’m feeling. Greet/meet. “I was nervous about how parking would go. We had an ok time finding a spot.” Less cheerful, more in touch with what I’m really thinking.

[Anonymous]

PP here. I leaned another thing from the book Peace is Every Step, written by a buddhist monk.

He says when we’re on a walk, we look up and see a stranger/neighbor, we give them a smile, and we move on dropping our face again.

I’ve done this outside the city.

He says we should smile at ourselves too. As we’re walking, before we bump into someone, we deserve to be smiled at by our own selves.

And I think if we don’t feel like smiling, that’s ok too. But don’t do it just for other people <- the point I learned.

[Anonymous]

I am a lot like that, I am not fake. I enjoy life, I am hard working.
You sound like a narcissist. Narcs can't understand that other people are different than their own twisted, sick fragile egos!