Men want to care, but . . .

[Anonymous]

Trying to get there! Trying. ☺️

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman married to a man who does his half, in childcare and around the house, both physical work and emotional/mental/logistical stuff.

I'll tell you right now - this article has a point. And if you are a woman in a heterosexual marriage who is unhappy with your workload balance, shrug this off at your peril.

OF COURSE men should just jump in, and of course there are men who are just lazy/don't care, and of course, that is the bigger obstacle.

But when my husband talks to his friends about family and childcare and chore balance, he hears this kind of thing a lot, and these men have a point. I see it on DCUM, too. Mom takes more leave up front. Mom is nursing. Mom/baby have a special bond. Dad falls into a "helper" role right off the bat. Yeah, he changes diapers, does night feedings, helps out around the house. But who packs the diaper bag or knows what the baby needs for a vacation? Mom. Who is making sure the baby has the next sized clothes? Mom. Who is talking with their friends about sleep training and reading books about it? Mom. Who has higher standards for things like housecleaning because they have internalized that it's their job and they'll be judged on it? Mom. And that sets you on a path. All of a sudden, the kid is two, mom is primary parent, and when Dad tried to jump in on stuff, he is corrected or pushed out of the way (and often for good reason - mom has more experience and knowledge!)

If you're a mom in this situation, you need to back off. You need to let your husband try and fail at stuff. You need to let him find his way as a parent even if it's not your way. You need to do some things his way. You will never get to an equitable balance where you are the manager and are delegating tasks and setting the standard by which they need to be done. Some examples from my own life:

1) My husband was in charge of potty training. He picked a book I wouldn't have picked, a system I wouldn't have picked, it took WAY longer that I would have liked. But I shut my trap and let it happen, and guess what? Our kid uses the potty now. And what was the biggest challenge for him? That when he reached out to his parent friends, they basically all said "Oh, I dunno, my wife read a book I think I don't know which one." Wildly unhelpful.

2) My husband is currently in charge of finding a nanny to start in September. There is not a single interview on my calendar for this yet. I am diligently staying out of it. I was talking to a neighbor who is upset about the chore balance with her husband and she straight up said "I couldn't do that. What if you don't have a nanny?" He'll figure it out. He's a grown man. If he doesn't, he'll troubleshoot. Not everything has to be done perfectly and on my time table.

3) We had (his) friends over for dinner over the weekend. He cooked a delicious meal. Was the house as clean as I'd like? Nope. In fact, one of his friends hadn't been to our house before and asked for a tour, and there was dirty clothes and cat vomit on the floor of our bedroom. So what? His friends, his clothes, his cat, his event. If he doesn't care if his friends see our room like that, then I will choose to not care, too.

And it all started with him taking 12 weeks of parental leave, 10 of which was solo.

We are wildly happy, the kids are well cared for, and I get plenty of downtime. You can have things your way or you can have an equal partner. You can't have both.

So you expect women to parent their husbands too? If he feels pushed aside, he is a grown man, he needs to use his words and have a conversation with his wife not just say "Oh she gets mad at me for doing it wrong so I don't."

I see reading comprehension is not your forte. you missed the entire point - that let your DH take the lead in doing things, do not micromanage (in fact, just back off) and if he fails (as we all do), he'll figure out an alternative solution.

dp.. men generally have low standards for things like cleaning and childcare. What you are saying is that the woman should accept the man's low level effort because he's at least doing something. His "alternative solution" is to just half a$$ it cause it's good enough for him.

Who get to decide what the "right" level of cleanliness is?

Look, to use an example a PP used. the right level of cleanliness for pots and pans is that they don't have old, crusted food on them. I don't care *how* he does it, he can train white mice to scrub them, or use a power washer while standing on his head and singing Rigoletto, but the end result needs to be pots and pans that don't have old, crusted food on them.

Amen. If something gets done effectively and on time, I will ignore the method as much as possible. But to cite my favorite blogger, that's not always the issue:

https://www.swistle.com/2009/10/20/hismy-way-vs-rightwrong-way/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Number 1 reason is likely a wife who insists the husband doesn’t do it well enough/correctly/quickly enough. Recall the wife who was mad at her husband for washing tissues.

If you don’t like how I do it enough to cause so much controversy, you can do it yourself.

Yes, we know this song. It’s called Weaponized Incompetence. Nope. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Number 1 reason is likely a wife who insists the husband doesn’t do it well enough/correctly/quickly enough. Recall the wife who was mad at her husband for washing tissues.

If you don’t like how I do it enough to cause so much controversy, you can do it yourself.

Yes, we know this song. It’s called Weaponized Incompetence. Nope. Sorry.

Who is in charge of the house? The woman. That means she makes the decisions and criticizes. That means she does most of the work so that it's done to her standards. And then she can complain that her DH doesn't do his part.

Weaponized domesticity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman married to a man who does his half, in childcare and around the house, both physical work and emotional/mental/logistical stuff.

I'll tell you right now - this article has a point. And if you are a woman in a heterosexual marriage who is unhappy with your workload balance, shrug this off at your peril.

OF COURSE men should just jump in, and of course there are men who are just lazy/don't care, and of course, that is the bigger obstacle.

But when my husband talks to his friends about family and childcare and chore balance, he hears this kind of thing a lot, and these men have a point. I see it on DCUM, too. Mom takes more leave up front. Mom is nursing. Mom/baby have a special bond. Dad falls into a "helper" role right off the bat. Yeah, he changes diapers, does night feedings, helps out around the house. But who packs the diaper bag or knows what the baby needs for a vacation? Mom. Who is making sure the baby has the next sized clothes? Mom. Who is talking with their friends about sleep training and reading books about it? Mom. Who has higher standards for things like housecleaning because they have internalized that it's their job and they'll be judged on it? Mom. And that sets you on a path. All of a sudden, the kid is two, mom is primary parent, and when Dad tried to jump in on stuff, he is corrected or pushed out of the way (and often for good reason - mom has more experience and knowledge!)

If you're a mom in this situation, you need to back off. You need to let your husband try and fail at stuff. You need to let him find his way as a parent even if it's not your way. You need to do some things his way. You will never get to an equitable balance where you are the manager and are delegating tasks and setting the standard by which they need to be done. Some examples from my own life:

1) My husband was in charge of potty training. He picked a book I wouldn't have picked, a system I wouldn't have picked, it took WAY longer that I would have liked. But I shut my trap and let it happen, and guess what? Our kid uses the potty now. And what was the biggest challenge for him? That when he reached out to his parent friends, they basically all said "Oh, I dunno, my wife read a book I think I don't know which one." Wildly unhelpful.

2) My husband is currently in charge of finding a nanny to start in September. There is not a single interview on my calendar for this yet. I am diligently staying out of it. I was talking to a neighbor who is upset about the chore balance with her husband and she straight up said "I couldn't do that. What if you don't have a nanny?" He'll figure it out. He's a grown man. If he doesn't, he'll troubleshoot. Not everything has to be done perfectly and on my time table.

3) We had (his) friends over for dinner over the weekend. He cooked a delicious meal. Was the house as clean as I'd like? Nope. In fact, one of his friends hadn't been to our house before and asked for a tour, and there was dirty clothes and cat vomit on the floor of our bedroom. So what? His friends, his clothes, his cat, his event. If he doesn't care if his friends see our room like that, then I will choose to not care, too.

And it all started with him taking 12 weeks of parental leave, 10 of which was solo.

We are wildly happy, the kids are well cared for, and I get plenty of downtime. You can have things your way or you can have an equal partner. You can't have both.

So you expect women to parent their husbands too? If he feels pushed aside, he is a grown man, he needs to use his words and have a conversation with his wife not just say "Oh she gets mad at me for doing it wrong so I don't."

I see reading comprehension is not your forte. you missed the entire point - that let your DH take the lead in doing things, do not micromanage (in fact, just back off) and if he fails (as we all do), he'll figure out an alternative solution.

Reading comprehension is not YOUR forte, because then he Just. Won’t. Do. It. No, he won’t “figure out an alternate solution.” He just won’t do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Number 1 reason is likely a wife who insists the husband doesn’t do it well enough/correctly/quickly enough. Recall the wife who was mad at her husband for washing tissues.

If you don’t like how I do it enough to cause so much controversy, you can do it yourself.

Yes, we know this song. It’s called Weaponized Incompetence. Nope. Sorry.

Who is in charge of the house? The woman. That means she makes the decisions and criticizes. That means she does most of the work so that it's done to her standards. And then she can complain that her DH doesn't do his part.

Weaponized domesticity.

Are you writing from 1955? What a load of BS you just posted and amazingly, you actually believe it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Number 1 reason is likely a wife who insists the husband doesn’t do it well enough/correctly/quickly enough. Recall the wife who was mad at her husband for washing tissues.

If you don’t like how I do it enough to cause so much controversy, you can do it yourself.

Yes, we know this song. It’s called Weaponized Incompetence. Nope. Sorry.

Who is in charge of the house? The woman. That means she makes the decisions and criticizes. That means she does most of the work so that it's done to her standards. And then she can complain that her DH doesn't do his part.

Weaponized domesticity.

Are you writing from 1955? What a load of BS you just posted and amazingly, you actually believe it.

Almost every post on this thread has been by a woman who is in charge of the house, who holds the standard of whether something is done well or not.

I'm just summarizing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP..troll rating 9/10 this time

Really?? I was just reading through the thread after being away from the keyboard for several hours, and I was *so* excited to see it got so much traction!

I really meant it when I said this is an important issue. I think it’s more important than most of what gets posted here. This division of household labor issue is at the core of inequality in our society. We should care about it whether we have daughters or sons - after all, who really wants to be the person who raised an entitled son who doesn’t pull his weight equally in the home, in the 21st century??

I’m well into middle age and I have managed to avoid marriage. It was never my intent to do so, but the longer I lived and the more relationships I saw and experienced, the more I realized that it was a seriously raw deal for women because in the large majority of cases men purchase their leisure time by women’s labor. And then they want a gold star when they occasionally do the same kind of work around the house and with the kids which women are just expected to do without a word of praise.

The average person teaching their children about the world wouldn’t think to suggest to their daughters or sons that such inequality is fair, yet they model it day after day in the vast majority of households and most kids grow up to live what their parents modeled for them. It seems like a vicious never ending cycle of inequality and exploitation.

If a woman wants a family, she has to accept servitude and ingratitude as a very big part of her lot in life. It shouldn’t be that way.

[Anonymous]

All these comments about how women have such high standards don't ring true to me because sometimes the issue is that my DH has such ridiculously high standards that it renders him unable to do things. Like when I clean the house, my goal is "done" not "perfect". If I don't feel like moving furniture around to vacuum, I don't. If I'm cleaning the kitchen and all I have time or energy for is dishes and wiping the counters down, that's all I do. And so on. Just do it.

Meanwhile, my DH laments that vacuuming is just so hard and takes so long, because he can't bear to do anything halfway. So the way he vacuums, or cleans the kitchen, or cleans the bathroom, does in fact take forever. So he just never does it.

His perfectionism is paralyzing with parenting, too, because he expects small children to be perfect, to need but one reminder, ever, to do something, and never again. He often gives up on basic parenting tasks like feeding our kids or getting them ready for bed because it doesn't go smoothly from the start, the complain or protest, they make mistakes and spill things. He will simply walk away from it because he can't control how it goes.

And he's not the only man like this. I know plenty of men who have unrealistically high standards for everything but limited patience. And these men aren't being controlled by wives who just won't let them do it their way. The opposite -- their wives are doing 90% of the childcare and cleaning because these tasks require flexibility, practicality, often the ability to multitask. These guys won't do that. And they'll claim it's because they won't do anything halfway, but really it's just an excuse to not do anything at all.

Men will find ANY excuse for why their wives need to do all the work they don't want to do. She's too controlling, she's more patient than I am, she's just better with the kids, she learned to do that when she was young, she enjoys it, etc. etc. etc.

It's a con, folks. Men know that for thousands of years, women performed free labor for men throughout their entire lives. It's a good gig for them, and they don't want to give it up. This is just another reason they are throwing up last to why. It's BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Number 1 reason is likely a wife who insists the husband doesn’t do it well enough/correctly/quickly enough. Recall the wife who was mad at her husband for washing tissues.

If you don’t like how I do it enough to cause so much controversy, you can do it yourself.

I agree that sometimes it’s that women need to accept different ways of doing, but… in so many cases it’s that the task isn’t being DONE. It’s not a different way, it’s the wrong way.

Swishing a dirty rag in a dirty pot full of dirt water isn’t going to get that pot clean. Whenever DH and FIL do the dishes, crusted food is left sitting on pots and pans. In order to cook again, those items need to be rewashed. Unless you’re cool with old ground beef or fish skin being in the new food.

Just one example, but the stereotype of the hapless man is often true. Ante both of them (and so many other men I know) willfully not cleaning the pots well so they won’t be tasked with dishwashing? In my FIL’s instance, volunteering quietly to wash the dishes and not fully washing them… for 30 years? Why?

Funny, my wife has severe ADHD and you just described her. My friends used to think I was a bit of a slob, but DW thinks I'm anal and OCD. I do all the tidying, deep cleaning, cat boxes, kitchen cleaning, and most everything else. When she (rarely) does things, it's utterly half-ass*d, not "different".
Shrug.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman married to a man who does his half, in childcare and around the house, both physical work and emotional/mental/logistical stuff.

I'll tell you right now - this article has a point. And if you are a woman in a heterosexual marriage who is unhappy with your workload balance, shrug this off at your peril.

OF COURSE men should just jump in, and of course there are men who are just lazy/don't care, and of course, that is the bigger obstacle.

But when my husband talks to his friends about family and childcare and chore balance, he hears this kind of thing a lot, and these men have a point. I see it on DCUM, too. Mom takes more leave up front. Mom is nursing. Mom/baby have a special bond. Dad falls into a "helper" role right off the bat. Yeah, he changes diapers, does night feedings, helps out around the house. But who packs the diaper bag or knows what the baby needs for a vacation? Mom. Who is making sure the baby has the next sized clothes? Mom. Who is talking with their friends about sleep training and reading books about it? Mom. Who has higher standards for things like housecleaning because they have internalized that it's their job and they'll be judged on it? Mom. And that sets you on a path. All of a sudden, the kid is two, mom is primary parent, and when Dad tried to jump in on stuff, he is corrected or pushed out of the way (and often for good reason - mom has more experience and knowledge!)

If you're a mom in this situation, you need to back off. You need to let your husband try and fail at stuff. You need to let him find his way as a parent even if it's not your way. You need to do some things his way. You will never get to an equitable balance where you are the manager and are delegating tasks and setting the standard by which they need to be done. Some examples from my own life:

1) My husband was in charge of potty training. He picked a book I wouldn't have picked, a system I wouldn't have picked, it took WAY longer that I would have liked. But I shut my trap and let it happen, and guess what? Our kid uses the potty now. And what was the biggest challenge for him? That when he reached out to his parent friends, they basically all said "Oh, I dunno, my wife read a book I think I don't know which one." Wildly unhelpful.

2) My husband is currently in charge of finding a nanny to start in September. There is not a single interview on my calendar for this yet. I am diligently staying out of it. I was talking to a neighbor who is upset about the chore balance with her husband and she straight up said "I couldn't do that. What if you don't have a nanny?" He'll figure it out. He's a grown man. If he doesn't, he'll troubleshoot. Not everything has to be done perfectly and on my time table.

3) We had (his) friends over for dinner over the weekend. He cooked a delicious meal. Was the house as clean as I'd like? Nope. In fact, one of his friends hadn't been to our house before and asked for a tour, and there was dirty clothes and cat vomit on the floor of our bedroom. So what? His friends, his clothes, his cat, his event. If he doesn't care if his friends see our room like that, then I will choose to not care, too.

And it all started with him taking 12 weeks of parental leave, 10 of which was solo.

We are wildly happy, the kids are well cared for, and I get plenty of downtime. You can have things your way or you can have an equal partner. You can't have both.

I was nodding “yes” up to the tour part. I think you should care how people perceived your space. Even though it was his friends you are both a team. It also reflects on you. If he cooked then you could’ve picked up. Things don’t have to be perfect but it would’ve been a nice gesture and thoughtful to your guests if you had either cleaned or told them that room was off limits for now. It’s okay to tell them not now. Cat vomit and dirty laundry is not what any guest wants to see when they are coming over for a meal.

PP here. I agree with you - in general I prefer laundry and cat vomit off the floor of the bedroom before guests arrive, and if they aren't for some reason, I would opt not to give them a tour. I think cleaning those sorts of things is thoughtful to your guests.

But that's the point, right? This was his event. His decisions. He decides how to spend his time, how clean the house needs to be, and whether his desire for his friend not to see cat vomit is more important than his friend's desire to see our house. His friends truly don't give a damn about cat vomit and laundry, he doesn't care, so that's the decision he made.

It's not that I made a decision that cat vomit is fine to show guests - it's that we, as a couple, made a decision that when one of us has our friends over, that person is in charge of all the duties of hosting, which includes cleanup. So I spent Saturday afternoon on a hobby of mine while he cooked and got things ready (the main space looked quite nice, I must say). I don't second guess him, I don't poke around before guests arrive and make sure it's up to *my* standards. He's in charge. And I trust him to handle things in his way, even if it's not my way, or some objective "right" way, that of course does not exist.

Thank you so much for responding PP. I read your response and thought that I am way too controlling to do that, but I can respect that it works for you and your DH. The crazy lady in me needs to ask one more question lol. Were there any women present or was it all men that came over? I would’ve been able to swallow it more if it were all men, but would’ve had a conniption if their wives had seen the mess and vomit. I think you must live a really carefree life. I’m return to get there. Baby steps!

PP here.

It was (in addition to our family of four), four guys and one woman. All college friends of my husband. Three of the guys are married, but their wives were not present. One guy and the woman are single. I know the wives as well (some are also college buddies, some are more recent vintage) and wouldn’t have done anything differently if they were there.

I will also add that we are fairly young (mid to late 30s) and very casual/informal generally.

In many ways we do live a very carefree life - we have great work life balance, a great marriage, and a ton of wonderful friends who we are very close with and that we are very open and free with. They’ve seen the good, the bad, and the ugly for sure. And we don’t stress about chores and cleaning.

But in other ways we’re very rigid and structured, primarily with the kids. I don’t think anyone would describe our parenting style as carefree (our kids have been on pretty strict schedules since they were two weeks old).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman married to a man who does his half, in childcare and around the house, both physical work and emotional/mental/logistical stuff.

I'll tell you right now - this article has a point. And if you are a woman in a heterosexual marriage who is unhappy with your workload balance, shrug this off at your peril.

OF COURSE men should just jump in, and of course there are men who are just lazy/don't care, and of course, that is the bigger obstacle.

But when my husband talks to his friends about family and childcare and chore balance, he hears this kind of thing a lot, and these men have a point. I see it on DCUM, too. Mom takes more leave up front. Mom is nursing. Mom/baby have a special bond. Dad falls into a "helper" role right off the bat. Yeah, he changes diapers, does night feedings, helps out around the house. But who packs the diaper bag or knows what the baby needs for a vacation? Mom. Who is making sure the baby has the next sized clothes? Mom. Who is talking with their friends about sleep training and reading books about it? Mom. Who has higher standards for things like housecleaning because they have internalized that it's their job and they'll be judged on it? Mom. And that sets you on a path. All of a sudden, the kid is two, mom is primary parent, and when Dad tried to jump in on stuff, he is corrected or pushed out of the way (and often for good reason - mom has more experience and knowledge!)

If you're a mom in this situation, you need to back off. You need to let your husband try and fail at stuff. You need to let him find his way as a parent even if it's not your way. You need to do some things his way. You will never get to an equitable balance where you are the manager and are delegating tasks and setting the standard by which they need to be done. Some examples from my own life:

1) My husband was in charge of potty training. He picked a book I wouldn't have picked, a system I wouldn't have picked, it took WAY longer that I would have liked. But I shut my trap and let it happen, and guess what? Our kid uses the potty now. And what was the biggest challenge for him? That when he reached out to his parent friends, they basically all said "Oh, I dunno, my wife read a book I think I don't know which one." Wildly unhelpful.

2) My husband is currently in charge of finding a nanny to start in September. There is not a single interview on my calendar for this yet. I am diligently staying out of it. I was talking to a neighbor who is upset about the chore balance with her husband and she straight up said "I couldn't do that. What if you don't have a nanny?" He'll figure it out. He's a grown man. If he doesn't, he'll troubleshoot. Not everything has to be done perfectly and on my time table.

3) We had (his) friends over for dinner over the weekend. He cooked a delicious meal. Was the house as clean as I'd like? Nope. In fact, one of his friends hadn't been to our house before and asked for a tour, and there was dirty clothes and cat vomit on the floor of our bedroom. So what? His friends, his clothes, his cat, his event. If he doesn't care if his friends see our room like that, then I will choose to not care, too.

And it all started with him taking 12 weeks of parental leave, 10 of which was solo.

We are wildly happy, the kids are well cared for, and I get plenty of downtime. You can have things your way or you can have an equal partner. You can't have both.

I was nodding “yes” up to the tour part. I think you should care how people perceived your space. Even though it was his friends you are both a team. It also reflects on you. If he cooked then you could’ve picked up. Things don’t have to be perfect but it would’ve been a nice gesture and thoughtful to your guests if you had either cleaned or told them that room was off limits for now. It’s okay to tell them not now. Cat vomit and dirty laundry is not what any guest wants to see when they are coming over for a meal.

PP here. I agree with you - in general I prefer laundry and cat vomit off the floor of the bedroom before guests arrive, and if they aren't for some reason, I would opt not to give them a tour. I think cleaning those sorts of things is thoughtful to your guests.

But that's the point, right? This was his event. His decisions. He decides how to spend his time, how clean the house needs to be, and whether his desire for his friend not to see cat vomit is more important than his friend's desire to see our house. His friends truly don't give a damn about cat vomit and laundry, he doesn't care, so that's the decision he made.

It's not that I made a decision that cat vomit is fine to show guests - it's that we, as a couple, made a decision that when one of us has our friends over, that person is in charge of all the duties of hosting, which includes cleanup. So I spent Saturday afternoon on a hobby of mine while he cooked and got things ready (the main space looked quite nice, I must say). I don't second guess him, I don't poke around before guests arrive and make sure it's up to *my* standards. He's in charge. And I trust him to handle things in his way, even if it's not my way, or some objective "right" way, that of course does not exist.

Thank you so much for responding PP. I read your response and thought that I am way too controlling to do that, but I can respect that it works for you and your DH. The crazy lady in me needs to ask one more question lol. Were there any women present or was it all men that came over? I would’ve been able to swallow it more if it were all men, but would’ve had a conniption if their wives had seen the mess and vomit. I think you must live a really carefree life. I’m return to get there. Baby steps!

PP here.

It was (in addition to our family of four), four guys and one woman. All college friends of my husband. Three of the guys are married, but their wives were not present. One guy and the woman are single. I know the wives as well (some are also college buddies, some are more recent vintage) and wouldn’t have done anything differently if they were there.

I will also add that we are fairly young (mid to late 30s) and very casual/informal generally.

In many ways we do live a very carefree life - we have great work life balance, a great marriage, and a ton of wonderful friends who we are very close with and that we are very open and free with. They’ve seen the good, the bad, and the ugly for sure. And we don’t stress about chores and cleaning.

But in other ways we’re very rigid and structured, primarily with the kids. I don’t think anyone would describe our parenting style as carefree (our kids have been on pretty strict schedules since they were two weeks old).

PP just to add something. It’s also not necessary for this to work for you to be able to be super casual and carefree about everything! There are things I really care about that I want done my way. Laundry and the kids clothes are a big one for me. Another is sleep training (ooooo boy do I need my sleep). So I handle those things. If being a proper host is something important to you, that can be an area that you just handle. You don’t have to be carefree and go with the flow about EVERYTHING. You just need to be able to identify a bunch of places where you can be chill and hand over the reigns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men want to care, except the vast majority of Indian men surveyed…?
Seriously what does that part mean - that Indian men don’t do housework and also don’t feel any guilt over it?

Omg, my husband is south asian. He's not Indian but from the next country over. He doesn't do ANY housework like none. I quit my job and I am stay at home mom now. That's the only solution. I still feel a little resentful, but when I worked, I was so angry. It was that or divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Number 1 reason is likely a wife who insists the husband doesn’t do it well enough/correctly/quickly enough. Recall the wife who was mad at her husband for washing tissues.

If you don’t like how I do it enough to cause so much controversy, you can do it yourself.

Weaponized incompetence.

[Anonymous]

12 years of marriage and this has definitely been a challenge, especially with kids in the mix. First, I know I’m a clean-freak, and a borderline germaphobe. Therefore, there are things I need/want to do myself. DH can easily go a week without showering if no one inquired, polar opposites! Therefore, we tend to divide housework based on what we care about and our strengths, which unfortunately falls along stereotypical gender roles. I do most of the cleaning/organizing (cooking is more balanced). He does all the finances, house repairs etc. The only reason this division of labor holds is because he does take the lead child rearing. He does bath, putting to bed, feedings, preparing lunches, pick-ups. Of course, I’m right there with them, and sometimes have to fight for my turn to do these things! But DH has fully embraced parenting and is proud of his role. This all started with him taking 10weeks of parental leave, 7 of which were solo). Point is, sometimes you have to see what works, DH doesn’t care about cleanliness. I do! So we hired help, and I just accept that aside from a few tasks he has embraced (loading/unloading dishwasher, folding laundry) the rest is on me. May not be ideal, and many times I complain, but I’m trying to find an equilibrium in which we are both pulling our weight.