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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm a woman married to a man who does his half, in childcare and around the house, both physical work and emotional/mental/logistical stuff.

I'll tell you right now - this article has a point. And if you are a woman in a heterosexual marriage who is unhappy with your workload balance, shrug this off at your peril.

OF COURSE men should just jump in, and of course there are men who are just lazy/don't care, and of course, that is the bigger obstacle.

But when my husband talks to his friends about family and childcare and chore balance, he hears this kind of thing a lot, and these men have a point. I see it on DCUM, too. Mom takes more leave up front. Mom is nursing. Mom/baby have a special bond. Dad falls into a "helper" role right off the bat. Yeah, he changes diapers, does night feedings, helps out around the house. But who packs the diaper bag or knows what the baby needs for a vacation? Mom. Who is making sure the baby has the next sized clothes? Mom. Who is talking with their friends about sleep training and reading books about it? Mom. Who has higher standards for things like housecleaning because they have internalized that it's their job and they'll be judged on it? Mom. And that sets you on a path. All of a sudden, the kid is two, mom is primary parent, and when Dad tried to jump in on stuff, he is corrected or pushed out of the way (and often for good reason - mom has more experience and knowledge!)

If you're a mom in this situation, you need to back off. You need to let your husband try and fail at stuff. You need to let him find his way as a parent even if it's not your way. You need to do some things his way. You will never get to an equitable balance where you are the manager and are delegating tasks and setting the standard by which they need to be done. Some examples from my own life:

1) My husband was in charge of potty training. He picked a book I wouldn't have picked, a system I wouldn't have picked, it took WAY longer that I would have liked. But I shut my trap and let it happen, and guess what? Our kid uses the potty now. And what was the biggest challenge for him? That when he reached out to his parent friends, they basically all said "Oh, I dunno, my wife read a book I think I don't know which one." Wildly unhelpful.

2) My husband is currently in charge of finding a nanny to start in September. There is not a single interview on my calendar for this yet. I am diligently staying out of it. I was talking to a neighbor who is upset about the chore balance with her husband and she straight up said "I couldn't do that. What if you don't have a nanny?" He'll figure it out. He's a grown man. If he doesn't, he'll troubleshoot. Not everything has to be done perfectly and on my time table.

3) We had (his) friends over for dinner over the weekend. He cooked a delicious meal. Was the house as clean as I'd like? Nope. In fact, one of his friends hadn't been to our house before and asked for a tour, and there was dirty clothes and cat vomit on the floor of our bedroom. So what? His friends, his clothes, his cat, his event. If he doesn't care if his friends see our room like that, then I will choose to not care, too.

And it all started with him taking 12 weeks of parental leave, 10 of which was solo.

We are wildly happy, the kids are well cared for, and I get plenty of downtime. You can have things your way or you can have an equal partner. You can't have both. [/quote]

I was nodding “yes” up to the tour part. I think you should care how people perceived your space. Even though it was his friends you are both a team. It also reflects on you. If he cooked then you could’ve picked up. Things don’t have to be perfect but it would’ve been a nice gesture and thoughtful to your guests if you had either cleaned or told them that room was off limits for now. It’s okay to tell them not now. Cat vomit and dirty laundry is not what any guest wants to see when they are coming over for a meal. [/quote]

PP here. I agree with you - in general I prefer laundry and cat vomit off the floor of the bedroom before guests arrive, and if they aren't for some reason, I would opt not to give them a tour. I think cleaning those sorts of things is thoughtful to your guests.

But that's the point, right? This was his event. His decisions. He decides how to spend his time, how clean the house needs to be, and whether his desire for his friend not to see cat vomit is more important than his friend's desire to see our house. His friends truly don't give a damn about cat vomit and laundry, he doesn't care, so that's the decision he made.

It's not that I made a decision that cat vomit is fine to show guests - it's that we, as a couple, made a decision that when one of us has our friends over, that person is in charge of all the duties of hosting, which includes cleanup. So I spent Saturday afternoon on a hobby of mine while he cooked and got things ready (the main space looked quite nice, I must say). I don't second guess him, I don't poke around before guests arrive and make sure it's up to *my* standards. He's in charge. And I trust him to handle things in his way, even if it's not my way, or some objective "right" way, that of course does not exist. [/quote]

Thank you so much for responding PP. I read your response and thought that I am way too controlling to do that, but I can respect that it works for you and your DH. The crazy lady in me needs to ask one more question lol. Were there any women present or was it all men that came over? I would’ve been able to swallow it more if it were all men, but would’ve had a conniption if their wives had seen the mess and vomit. I think you must live a really carefree life. I’m return to get there. Baby steps![/quote]

PP here.

It was (in addition to our family of four), four guys and one woman. All college friends of my husband. Three of the guys are married, but their wives were not present. One guy and the woman are single. I know the wives as well (some are also college buddies, some are more recent vintage) and wouldn’t have done anything differently if they were there.

I will also add that we are fairly young (mid to late 30s) and very casual/informal generally.

In many ways we do live a very carefree life - we have great work life balance, a great marriage, and a ton of wonderful friends who we are very close with and that we are very open and free with. They’ve seen the good, the bad, and the ugly for sure. And we don’t stress about chores and cleaning.

But in other ways we’re very rigid and structured, primarily with the kids. I don’t think anyone would describe our parenting style as carefree (our kids have been on pretty strict schedules since they were two weeks old). [/quote]

PP just to add something. It’s also not necessary for this to work for you to be able to be super casual and carefree about everything! There are things I really care about that I want done my way. Laundry and the kids clothes are a big one for me. Another is sleep training (ooooo boy do I need my sleep). So I handle those things. If being a proper host is something important to you, that can be an area that you just handle. You don’t have to be carefree and go with the flow about EVERYTHING. You just need to be able to identify a bunch of places where you can be chill and hand over the reigns. [/quote]

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