Is it okay to take a break from a friend without telling them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this like your 10th post about this person? I don’t understand.

And if it is, there is some codependency there.

[Anonymous]

Sounds to me that you will truly be “busy”…..

Busy trying to avoid her.

All kidding aside - it sounds like she is very needy which could be a bit much for anyone to deal with.

I wouldn’t necessarily block her phone no.# per se > however I would let her know that I will be busy the next few wks, then see if she backs off + respects that.
Hopefully she will get the hint. 🤞🏽

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds to me that you will truly be “busy”…..

Busy trying to avoid her.

All kidding aside - it sounds like she is very needy which could be a bit much for anyone to deal with.

I wouldn’t necessarily block her phone no.# per se > however I would let her know that I will be busy the next few wks, then see if she backs off + respects that.
Hopefully she will get the hint. 🤞🏽

Some people never take hints. But this sounds solid.

[Anonymous]

I am shocked that people need to crowdsource this. Really?

I am a person who can easily go into 'hermit mode' with my friends and family. Even if I love my friends, I am an introvert and I need my alone time to recharge.

Telling my friends - "Hey all, just letting you know that I have a lot on my plate for the next 2 weeks and I may not be available for our regular shenanigans. May not be able to check or respond to text, mail, phone, social media etc either, so my apologies in advance. Available after 8/20. xoxo " is fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds to me that you will truly be “busy”…..

Busy trying to avoid her.

All kidding aside - it sounds like she is very needy which could be a bit much for anyone to deal with.

I wouldn’t necessarily block her phone no.# per se > however I would let her know that I will be busy the next few wks, then see if she backs off + respects that.
Hopefully she will get the hint. 🤞🏽

Some people never take hints. But this sounds solid.

Talk about not taking hints or advice- OP, more we can’t give you. Anyone who posts now is repeating what you’ve already gotten here- probably more than once.

[Anonymous]

Why not tell the person. Just say you have a lot going on and will not be returning her calls or texts for a couple of weeks. Ask her to please give you space. Ignoring her seems to just increase the texts and calls and will drive you nuts.

[Anonymous]

You are being mean OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not tell the person. Just say you have a lot going on and will not be returning her calls or texts for a couple of weeks. Ask her to please give you space. Ignoring her seems to just increase the texts and calls and will drive you nuts.

I asked her to give me space and that I needed to take a break from social media while I worked on some things. This was met with a stream of texts “what did I do? Why are you treating me like this?”, “when can I expect to hear back from you?” “Can I check in with you every evening?” Then escalating after 1 day to “you’re being selfish!”

[Anonymous]

25 times in the past 3 days

This is not healthy. You are not healthy for accepting (in the past) a relationship so intense.

But what you face now is, she is likely worried about you. You have suddenly changed your pattern of communication, so greatly. Concentrate on really terminating how much contact you want going forward. An amount that con be relatively consistent, whatever it is. Here's your chance to adjust and enforce something new. But it is on you to know your own mind and implement it.

[Anonymous]

Your friend is mentally ill. This is not normal for someone who is not facing some major crisis. Does she get therapy?

If you have told her you are busy and she continues, she has very poor boundaries and needs help for that level of anxiety. I have found friends and family like this do not take well to boundaries, concerns and suggestions of considering therapy (even though i share how therapy helped me). That said it's worth a try. In fact I had to block a family member who refused to get help or stop. She then went to email which i blocked and she keeps changing email addresses trying to emotionally vomit on me. It's not serious stuff, she just has zero ability to cope with anything and refuses professional help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not tell the person. Just say you have a lot going on and will not be returning her calls or texts for a couple of weeks. Ask her to please give you space. Ignoring her seems to just increase the texts and calls and will drive you nuts.

I asked her to give me space and that I needed to take a break from social media while I worked on some things. This was met with a stream of texts “what did I do? Why are you treating me like this?”, “when can I expect to hear back from you?” “Can I check in with you every evening?” Then escalating after 1 day to “you’re being selfish!”

This sounds more like personality disordered behavior...not diagnosing, just saying there are symptoms. Also major projection with "you are being selfish." My mother who is notoriously self-centered hurls a "you are being selfish" whenever people set boundaries with her and it makes everyone run for the hills. Major red flag when someone reacts to boundaries with insults, especially insults that actually describe their behavior.

I personally would not consider this person a friend and with the insult, I would ask her to stop contacting me. It's bad enough she is needy and cannot respect boundaries, but calling you "selfish" when you have your own stress is downright deranged. No thank you. I would set her free so she can find friends she is more compatible with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am shocked that people need to crowdsource this. Really?

I am a person who can easily go into 'hermit mode' with my friends and family. Even if I love my friends, I am an introvert and I need my alone time to recharge.

Telling my friends - "Hey all, just letting you know that I have a lot on my plate for the next 2 weeks and I may not be available for our regular shenanigans. May not be able to check or respond to text, mail, phone, social media etc either, so my apologies in advance. Available after 8/20. xoxo " is fine.

Same, but this is not ghosting. OP, if this is a friendship you care about I advise you not to do this. Just reach and tell her you're going offline for a bit and won't be available as usual.

[Anonymous]

Drawing on this post and your dinner post -- your friend sounds like she has BPD and you sound enmeshed with her.

It takes two to tango.

You need to figure out why it is so hard for you to set up healthy boundaries that literally every poster on this thread is advising you to do.

My guess is one of or both your parents enmeshed with you and you were brought up to take care of someone else's feelings. No one who doesn't have that kind of background would put up with what you are putting up with!

So, worry less about your friend, who has zero boundaries and will take, take, take (b/c of a mental health issue -- mots likely BPD) and take a good look at yourself and how much you value you yourself and why are you letting this continue. Therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Often on DCUM, people suggest "slow fading" friends who can't take a hint or would otherwise not be receptive to a conversation about boundaries.

How does slow fading work when the person is a constant texter, emailer and caller. This person will also reach out to other family members if she isn't getting a response. For example, I told her I was busy and needed some space. Two days passed and she started up with the constant calls and texts. I left my phone on DND and she started emailing me.

I messaged her back after 12 hrs and said I wasn't able to call her back and asked how her day was. She proceeded to go to my husband's FB and message him a long message about how I'm ignoring her and will he talk to me for her.
He (nicely) told her that I have been super stressed and to back off. She started spamming him with several more messages. The crazy thing is that they are all about her problems. Not "I'm so worried about Larla...." but instead "I need to talk to her about something that happened at work and she isn't calling me back!"

-OP

You’re not really doing a slow fade though. You keep responding within a few days at most it seems. You’re teaching her that if she keeps on, if she contacts you more frequently or finds the right medium, you’ll respond. Also, you might tell her in the same message that you don’t have time to talk but ask her how her day is going. You’re sending mixed messages and reinforcing bad behavior.

Your friend might not be able to slow down. She seems like she has a personality disorder or mental illness. Think of it like someone who is addicted to something. If your friend was trying to stop drinking but asked you for a drink, you wouldn’t offer them drinks sporadically after telling them you’re out of alcohol.

Even if you were doing the slow fade right, it seems you’re not grasping 2 things. 1: the end result is to end the relationship. It’s not to have weekly contact. It’s not to get the friend to be normal. It’s to end things so slowly they don’t get hurt like they would with an abrupt ghosting. 2: some people can’t handle the slow fade, and you have to ghost them hard or be honest and break up with them. A slow fade requires some self awareness and ability to pick up on social cues. Your friend doesn’t seem to grasp or accept that you’re trying to limit contact and that she is the reason, and (because you always respond) she ramps up the bad behavior to get your attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not tell the person. Just say you have a lot going on and will not be returning her calls or texts for a couple of weeks. Ask her to please give you space. Ignoring her seems to just increase the texts and calls and will drive you nuts.

I asked her to give me space and that I needed to take a break from social media while I worked on some things. This was met with a stream of texts “what did I do? Why are you treating me like this?”, “when can I expect to hear back from you?” “Can I check in with you every evening?” Then escalating after 1 day to “you’re being selfish!”

If a friend did this to me they would no longer be my friend. She called you selfish for being busy? She’s definitely a “vampire” and way too needy. My response would be “bye”.