Is it okay to take a break from a friend without telling them?

[Anonymous]

It’s fine to do whatever needs to be done to curb that crazy person a bit

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not tell the person. Just say you have a lot going on and will not be returning her calls or texts for a couple of weeks. Ask her to please give you space. Ignoring her seems to just increase the texts and calls and will drive you nuts.

I asked her to give me space and that I needed to take a break from social media while I worked on some things. This was met with a stream of texts “what did I do? Why are you treating me like this?”, “when can I expect to hear back from you?” “Can I check in with you every evening?” Then escalating after 1 day to “you’re being selfish!”

If a friend did this to me they would no longer be my friend. She called you selfish for being busy? She’s definitely a “vampire” and way too needy. My response would be “bye”.

Yeah I would say this sounds less like an actual friendship and more like you're the touchstone for someone who is having some mental illness issues. This means the regular rules of friendship don't apply - and only you can say if you're prepared to keep being there for someone who won't, and probably can't, accept the normal ebbs and flows of contact with another adult person.

I've been in this position before, too. It's very hard to know what to do. I had one friend, who was having a psychotic episode, who would send me hundreds of texts overnight while I was sleeping - and post all kinds of inappropriate things on my social media. She ended up contacting my husband, my sibling, some other people, with strange messages, too. I felt so overwhelmed by this - and also like there was no realistic way that I could actually help. I ended up blocking her. It made my life easier, and I also don't feel fantastic about the decision to do it. I just didn't think I was capable of dealing with this.

I don't know what you should do. I don't think the regular ways of establishing boundaries are really going to help, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not tell the person. Just say you have a lot going on and will not be returning her calls or texts for a couple of weeks. Ask her to please give you space. Ignoring her seems to just increase the texts and calls and will drive you nuts.

I asked her to give me space and that I needed to take a break from social media while I worked on some things. This was met with a stream of texts “what did I do? Why are you treating me like this?”, “when can I expect to hear back from you?” “Can I check in with you every evening?” Then escalating after 1 day to “you’re being selfish!”

If a friend did this to me they would no longer be my friend. She called you selfish for being busy? She’s definitely a “vampire” and way too needy. My response would be “bye”.

Yeah I would say this sounds less like an actual friendship and more like you're the touchstone for someone who is having some mental illness issues. This means the regular rules of friendship don't apply - and only you can say if you're prepared to keep being there for someone who won't, and probably can't, accept the normal ebbs and flows of contact with another adult person.

I've been in this position before, too. It's very hard to know what to do. I had one friend, who was having a psychotic episode, who would send me hundreds of texts overnight while I was sleeping - and post all kinds of inappropriate things on my social media. She ended up contacting my husband, my sibling, some other people, with strange messages, too. I felt so overwhelmed by this - and also like there was no realistic way that I could actually help. I ended up blocking her. It made my life easier, and I also don't feel fantastic about the decision to do it. I just didn't think I was capable of dealing with this.

I don't know what you should do. I don't think the regular ways of establishing boundaries are really going to help, though.

Agree. Anyone that is intrusive or not respectful is not your friend, OP. Excuses be damned. The "friend" is not "quirky", this is not a one time thing - she needs professional help, and you are not it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s fine to do whatever needs to be done to curb that crazy person a bit

+1

[Anonymous]

Are you sure she isn't having a crisis?

[Anonymous]

I would never ghost a person. They get a full explanation on why.

[Anonymous]

Op is as much the problem as her friend.

Anyone who doesn't accept a "no" from a person is controlling and/or manipulative. This person has no respect for what op says. This person clearly is not a good friend.

Op doesn't deal with it directly. Op needs to say "what you are doing is not normal and it is disrespectful to me. If I say I need time, a do not text 25 times. That is rude. Stop it now. We do not need to be constantly texting/calling. We are good enough friends that we both know that. "

Op's friend texted her non stop when she was having a dinner party. That is beyond. Op needs to use her words again and be direct. "We have talked about this in the past. If I have to I will block your number and this may end our friendship. Respect my needs when I say I need time/space."

Then op needs to stop fing responding.

Op is clearly getting off on this dynamic. Does it make you feel superior OP knowing you know how to pull your "friend's" strings so she panics?

It sounds like both of you are 12. Are you really so helpless that you can't figure out how to address this like an adult

[Anonymous]

Op what did you do about her contacting your dh? The appropriate response would be for your dh not to respond.

If you talk to her again, you need to let her know that going to your dh to complain was out of line.

This is a sick relationship that you have and you are equally responsible but, be honest, you are enjoying this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op is as much the problem as her friend.

Anyone who doesn't accept a "no" from a person is controlling and/or manipulative. This person has no respect for what op says. This person clearly is not a good friend.

Op doesn't deal with it directly. Op needs to say "what you are doing is not normal and it is disrespectful to me. If I say I need time, a do not text 25 times. That is rude. Stop it now. We do not need to be constantly texting/calling. We are good enough friends that we both know that. "

Op's friend texted her non stop when she was having a dinner party. That is beyond. Op needs to use her words again and be direct. "We have talked about this in the past. If I have to I will block your number and this may end our friendship. Respect my needs when I say I need time/space."

Then op needs to stop fing responding.

Op is clearly getting off on this dynamic. Does it make you feel superior OP knowing you know how to pull your "friend's" strings so she panics?

It sounds like both of you are 12. Are you really so helpless that you can't figure out how to address this like an adult

Read this OP. You need to be much more direct. And can you explain again why you want to continue being friends with this person?

[Anonymous]

It's kind of weird to tell a friend that you plan to talk to them less for awhile. Most people just do it and the friend gets the message and doesn't call/text nonstop. Everyone gets busy or overwhelmed sometimes and doesn't respond right away.

At the same time, if you make a habit of it, or decide to take your break when you have something planned or were in the middle of talking about something, I think the friend has the right to be upset.

I have a friend who will make weekend plans with me on a Friday and then just ghost for two weeks, and pop up again like she didn't bail on me. I find it very rude and I'm tired of it.