Reply to Is it okay to take a break from a friend without telling them?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Often on DCUM, people suggest "slow fading" friends who can't take a hint or would otherwise not be receptive to a conversation about boundaries.

How does slow fading work when the person is a constant texter, emailer and caller. This person will also reach out to other family members if she isn't getting a response. For example, I told her I was busy and needed some space. Two days passed and she started up with the constant calls and texts. I left my phone on DND and she started emailing me.

I messaged her back after 12 hrs and said I wasn't able to call her back and asked how her day was. She proceeded to go to my husband's FB and message him a long message about how I'm ignoring her and will he talk to me for her. 
He (nicely) told her that I have been super stressed and to back off.  She started spamming him with several more messages. The crazy thing is that they are all about her problems. Not "I'm so worried about Larla...." but instead "I need to talk to her about something that happened at work and she isn't calling me back!"

-OP [/quote]

You’re not really doing a slow fade though. You keep responding within a few days at most it seems. You’re teaching her that if she keeps on, if she contacts you more frequently or finds the right medium, you’ll respond. Also, you might tell her in the same message that you don’t have time to talk but ask her how her day is going. You’re sending mixed messages and reinforcing bad behavior.

Your friend might not be able to slow down. She seems like she has a personality disorder or mental illness. Think of it like someone who is addicted to something. If your friend was trying to stop drinking but asked you for a drink, you wouldn’t offer them drinks sporadically after telling them you’re out of alcohol.

Even if you were doing the slow fade right, it seems you’re not grasping 2 things. 1: the end result is to end the relationship. It’s not to have weekly contact. It’s not to get the friend to be normal. It’s to end things so slowly they don’t get hurt like they would with an abrupt ghosting. 2: some people can’t handle the slow fade, and you have to ghost them hard or be honest and break up with them. A slow fade requires some self awareness and ability to pick up on social cues. Your friend doesn’t seem to grasp or accept that you’re trying to limit contact and that she is the reason, and (because you always respond) she ramps up the bad behavior to get your attention.

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