Dating after divorce big age gap with new gf

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to date women in their 40s with kids (many are nearly empty nesters by 45). Don't allow a situation where she can get pregnant: it can happen from one night and faulty protection. She will have a baby, and you will end up with CS, limited college chances for your kids and delayed retirement in your 60s by at least 10 years.

I've seen many twice divorced men in their min 50s who got married to younger women with initial understanding that there won't be kids. But she gets pregnant accidentally or insists and he agrees. Then the new young family can't handle financial challenges and conflicts in blended household, ending in divorce.

Over a 10 year time span of oral birth control with typical use, more women will have a pregnancy than not. People are entirely too confident in the efficacy of birth control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to date women in their 40s with kids (many are nearly empty nesters by 45). Don't allow a situation where she can get pregnant: it can happen from one night and faulty protection. She will have a baby, and you will end up with CS, limited college chances for your kids and delayed retirement in your 60s by at least 10 years.

I've seen many twice divorced men in their min 50s who got married to younger women with initial understanding that there won't be kids. But she gets pregnant accidentally or insists and he agrees. Then the new young family can't handle financial challenges and conflicts in blended household, ending in divorce.

Over a 10 year time span of oral birth control with typical use, more women will have a pregnancy than not. People are entirely too confident in the efficacy of birth control.

That's what I'm saying: he needs either get snipped or date older women who have less chances per cycle to get pregnant (e.g. 40+ group)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to tell her you don't want kids, and back it up by getting snipped. She can take it or leave it.

I've seen this happen to way too many guys-- they don't actually want more kids, but they want the new relationship to work so eventually they drift into marriage and kids. But then they don't actually have the time, money, or energy to be the father of four kids across two moms, so there's a lot of stress and everyone ends up disappointed. The older set of kids resents this and drifts away, the dad blames their mom but it's really his fault for shortchanging them on quality time. The new wife resents that they aren't really new parents together, and resents having to deal with and plan around and pay for the step-kids. The dad can't quite grasp that his poor judgment teed up this entire situation and feels so put-upon and exhausted. It's a bad scene all around. Don't do this to yourself and your kids, OP!

Yep, all of this plus people are going to give you the side eye. You are going to F up your life all because you’re a creep really wanting to date a much younger woman.

In my experience, women wanting to date older men have serious problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to tell her you don't want kids, and back it up by getting snipped. She can take it or leave it.

I've seen this happen to way too many guys-- they don't actually want more kids, but they want the new relationship to work so eventually they drift into marriage and kids. But then they don't actually have the time, money, or energy to be the father of four kids across two moms, so there's a lot of stress and everyone ends up disappointed. The older set of kids resents this and drifts away, the dad blames their mom but it's really his fault for shortchanging them on quality time. The new wife resents that they aren't really new parents together, and resents having to deal with and plan around and pay for the step-kids. The dad can't quite grasp that his poor judgment teed up this entire situation and feels so put-upon and exhausted. It's a bad scene all around. Don't do this to yourself and your kids, OP!

Haha. Spot on. So predictable.

[Anonymous]

I am a spouse with this age gap. The only hard thing about it was having to grapple with eldercare/aging parents stress at a younger age than I expected. We also did not have a ton of time to start a family, and it would have been ideal to wait a bit longer. But things worked out. We are an incredibly well-suited match and that transcends age.

One note of caution/caveat that neither of us had kids when we married. So that adds some complexity to OP's scenario.

[Anonymous]

If you definitely don’t want more kids you need to get a vasectomy. I know of three divorced men who got trapped by the women they were dating after their divorces with an unplanned pregnancy. One was on the verge of breaking up with the woman, one had only known the women a few months and the third ended up remarried a few months after his divorce. If you have a vasectomy it shows the women you really don’t want more kids.

Since you haven’t told the woman you’re seeing that you don’t want more kids he’s going to assume you’re open to it, especially since she’s been upfront about her own goals. So you need to weigh how much you like the 32 year old versus what your own desires are for your future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a spouse with this age gap. The only hard thing about it was having to grapple with eldercare/aging parents stress at a younger age than I expected. We also did not have a ton of time to start a family, and it would have been ideal to wait a bit longer. But things worked out. We are an incredibly well-suited match and that transcends age.

One note of caution/caveat that neither of us had kids when we married. So that adds some complexity to OP's scenario.

It adds incompatibility in OP's scenario - in other words, it's totally different from yours!

[Anonymous]

OP Its much easier for a divorced woman with kids to date and potentially marry a man without kids but who want kids. For a man it's incredibly challenging to juggle 2 families. At least thats what I have seen from people around me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Its much easier for a divorced woman with kids to date and potentially marry a man without kids but who want kids. For a man it's incredibly challenging to juggle 2 families. At least thats what I have seen from people around me.

This is true if the kids don't resent the mom. I am a divorced dad and my ex is about to remarry and my teenage son who has been blaming her all along now does not even want to be around her. And I have tried everything to help him accept his mom's choices. Sometimes women are quick to file for divorce thinking the children will be on her sides anyway, thats just not always the case.

[Anonymous]

Amazing how many people on here are shooing you away from dating the younger, more beautiful woman.

She's an adult and can make her own decisions in life. As long as you're clear you don't want more kids, let her decide about moving forward. Maybe she doesn't either (after all, more than half of all adults are childless these days); or maybe she just wants to have some fun for a year or two. As long as you're honest, there's no reason to break it off if you both enjoy it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Amazing how many people on here are shooing you away from dating the younger, more beautiful woman.

They're all imagining the rage they would feel if they got divorced and their DH did that.

[Anonymous]

You need to be 1) honest with yourself about if you want more kids or not and then 2) expressly honest with her about it.

It sounds like you haven’t done either. Similar situation here (I’m the wife) - 15 years later. We have one elementary school aged kid, and we’re all (me, husband, now-adult stepkid) are all happy with the way it worked out, but both my H and I were on the fence about having a kid together for a while. Finally at one point I told him he needed to just be clear about what he wanted.

Frankly, being a stepmom to school-aged kids w/o kids of your own can be raw deal. You have the constraints of kids (money, vacation time, schedules, messes), without the joy.

But, if she prefers a more independent life, she might be perfectly happy seeing you a few days a week, and having a lot of time to herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a spouse with this age gap. The only hard thing about it was having to grapple with eldercare/aging parents stress at a younger age than I expected. We also did not have a ton of time to start a family, and it would have been ideal to wait a bit longer. But things worked out. We are an incredibly well-suited match and that transcends age.

One note of caution/caveat that neither of us had kids when we married. So that adds some complexity to OP's scenario.

It adds incompatibility in OP's scenario - in other words, it's totally different from yours!

It is significantly different but I am answering the question OP asked. It is up to him and his gf to work out whether she is comfortable becoming a step-parent and possibly not having her own bio kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to be 1) honest with yourself about if you want more kids or not and then 2) expressly honest with her about it.

It sounds like you haven’t done either. Similar situation here (I’m the wife) - 15 years later. We have one elementary school aged kid, and we’re all (me, husband, now-adult stepkid) are all happy with the way it worked out, but both my H and I were on the fence about having a kid together for a while. Finally at one point I told him he needed to just be clear about what he wanted.

Frankly, being a stepmom to school-aged kids w/o kids of your own can be raw deal. You have the constraints of kids (money, vacation time, schedules, messes), without the joy.

But, if she prefers a more independent life, she might be perfectly happy seeing you a few days a week, and having a lot of time to herself.

This. Key point-- ONE kid. And only one stepkid. That's why they didn't get maxed-out and miserable. If OP's girlfriend says "I want my kids to be #3 and #4, and have less of their father's attention than they would if they were #1 and #2, and I want him to pay child support for many years to come, and I want to plan all our vacations around the big kids' school schedules, and I want to parent little kids by myself a lot of the time while their dad takes his older kids to activities, and I want my husband to be in frequent contact with his ex-wife"-- if she says all those things then totally go for it! Enjoy your sleepless infants and your toddler parenting-- it's much harder in your 40s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Amazing how many people on here are shooing you away from dating the younger, more beautiful woman.

She's an adult and can make her own decisions in life. As long as you're clear you don't want more kids, let her decide about moving forward. Maybe she doesn't either (after all, more than half of all adults are childless these days); or maybe she just wants to have some fun for a year or two. As long as you're honest, there's no reason to break it off if you both enjoy it.

Amazing that you are assuming the younger woman is more beautiful. Beautiful young women are not exactly clamoring to marry divorced older dads. Men who seek out younger women often just want someone who is naive, simple, and easy to control and manipulate.