Dating after divorce big age gap with new gf

[Anonymous]

It is more that you want different things out of life than the age.

Tell her you don't want more kids and see if she sticks around. You may be a fling to her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dude, she wants a baby insider her. With a stable man of means.

Use protection until you get snipped.

I have two toddlers with my wife. I can’t imagine getting my kids to age 10 and 12…and then starting all over again with a new infant. That’s being a glutton for punishment.

I didn’t regard raising kids as punishment. I had a blast. I’m not planning on doing it again, but a hot thirtysomething could probably talk me into it.

Plenty of hot 30-something’s in the wild who don’t want to talk you into a baby.

I’m in the messy guts of the child rearing years and you’re reminiscing with rose colored glasses. I’m early 40s right now and having a new baby at 50 would probably nearly kill me. No way would I have the bandwidth for that, especially if your older kids are becoming more independent and you’re getting to reclaim some of your personal time. No hot piece of tail could ever talk me into that.

My kids are 13 and 16 and I'm not "reclaiming personal time". I'm doing as much stuff with them as ever. Sports, extracurriculars, vacations, helping with schoolwork, hiking/biking, etc.

Not to mention, as I instantly realized as soon as I had kids, the time you spend being a parent is infinitely more valuable and rewarding than any of the dumb sh*t one does with "personal time" before kids. You want your "personal time" back so you can surf the web on your phone and what else? That's weak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to be very clear with her if you are done having kids.

This. Stop
wasting her time. If you don’t want to have kids that’s understandable. But you need to be honest.

She should be dating childless men in their thirties.

Not true. I met my divorced with two children DH in my early thirties. We've been together for sometime now and have added two children to our family. It stops there, but our relationship and chemistry was something we knew doesn't come along everyday. He never did not want another child, I never really want my own child. Our relationship grew into wanting to have add another child to the family and it's worked wonderfully with the half siblings living with us the majority of the time just so they can hang out with their brother and sister. We have an eleven year age difference, but I was always far too mature for younger men so it works for me and for both of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to be very clear with her if you are done having kids.

This. Stop
wasting her time. If you don’t want to have kids that’s understandable. But you need to be honest.

She should be dating childless men in their thirties.

Not true. I met my divorced with two children DH in my early thirties. We've been together for sometime now and have added two children to our family. It stops there, but our relationship and chemistry was something we knew doesn't come along everyday. He never did not want another child, I never really want my own child. Our relationship grew into wanting to have add another child to the family and it's worked wonderfully with the half siblings living with us the majority of the time just so they can hang out with their brother and sister. We have an eleven year age difference, but I was always far too mature for younger men so it works for me and for both of us.

How much does each of you make ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dude, she wants a baby insider her. With a stable man of means.

Use protection until you get snipped.

I have two toddlers with my wife. I can’t imagine getting my kids to age 10 and 12…and then starting all over again with a new infant. That’s being a glutton for punishment.

I didn’t regard raising kids as punishment. I had a blast. I’m not planning on doing it again, but a hot thirtysomething could probably talk me into it.

Plenty of hot 30-something’s in the wild who don’t want to talk you into a baby.

I’m in the messy guts of the child rearing years and you’re reminiscing with rose colored glasses. I’m early 40s right now and having a new baby at 50 would probably nearly kill me. No way would I have the bandwidth for that, especially if your older kids are becoming more independent and you’re getting to reclaim some of your personal time. No hot piece of tail could ever talk me into that.

My kids are 13 and 16 and I'm not "reclaiming personal time". I'm doing as much stuff with them as ever. Sports, extracurriculars, vacations, helping with schoolwork, hiking/biking, etc.

Not to mention, as I instantly realized as soon as I had kids, the time you spend being a parent is infinitely more valuable and rewarding than any of the dumb sh*t one does with "personal time" before kids. You want your "personal time" back so you can surf the web on your phone and what else? That's weak.

Well said! To this day if one of my now adult children call and say you want to grab a coffee I drop whatever "me" think I'm in the middle of and get that coffee or meal with them. These are priceless moments and there is nothing I like more than being in my children's company, with or without my husband, and sharing their ever expanding worlds and mindset. But then, I never resented my children, not once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to be very clear with her if you are done having kids.

This. Stop
wasting her time. If you don’t want to have kids that’s understandable. But you need to be honest.

She should be dating childless men in their thirties.

Not true. I met my divorced with two children DH in my early thirties. We've been together for sometime now and have added two children to our family. It stops there, but our relationship and chemistry was something we knew doesn't come along everyday. He never did not want another child, I never really want my own child. Our relationship grew into wanting to have add another child to the family and it's worked wonderfully with the half siblings living with us the majority of the time just so they can hang out with their brother and sister. We have an eleven year age difference, but I was always far too mature for younger men so it works for me and for both of us.

How much does each of you make ?

.

Why does that matter? I would never have a child I could not provide for, but then I'm responsible that way. Money is not always the issue, maybe for you, but not for most.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This. Key point-- ONE kid. And only one stepkid. That's why they didn't get maxed-out and miserable. If OP's girlfriend says "I want my kids to be #3 and #4, and have less of their father's attention than they would if they were #1 and #2, and I want him to pay child support for many years to come, and I want to plan all our vacations around the big kids' school schedules, and I want to parent little kids by myself a lot of the time while their dad takes his older kids to activities, and I want my husband to be in frequent contact with his ex-wife"-- if she says all those things then totally go for it! Enjoy your sleepless infants and your toddler parenting-- it's much harder in your 40s.

That's not how it would actually work out, though. New wife's kids would get the better deal all-around. The dad has more money because he's more established in his work, is a more attentive father because he has a better understanding of work-life balance than when he was younger and trying to be successful, and is also probably a better partner to Wife #2 now that he knows what works (and what doesn't) from Marriage #1.

The younger kids and new-to-parenting Wife #2 will get the lion's share of his attention. He won't even be aware of this because he's actually is in love with Wife #2, while Wife #1 is now just some woman that he used to be married to. Still loves his kids from Marriage #1, but they are older, more independent and they have their mother, don't they? And his child support checks? He can't be in two places at once, and he lives with his Second Family.

You know all of this is true, which is why you're in this thread trying to advocate on behalf of the kids from Marriage #1. The only way a blended family works is if Wife #2 really wants to embrace the kids from Marriage #1. If it's tense and awkward with Wife #1, that probably will never happen and thus, the older kids won't feel part of Dad's new life and will drift away.

Maybe. Or maybe he's older and more tired and has more health problems than he did when the first kids were little. Having an older dad is not such a great deal even if you don't have any older half-siblings. You're into the eldercare stuff much sooner, and he's not going to be much of a grandfather to your own kids. And maybe he's learned about marriage, maybe he hasn't, or maybe he hasn't improved enough to overcome the built-in problems of this situation. He earns more, but does he earn enough to support four kids when he didn't plan ahead for the younger two? And will his health hold up so that he can realize his earning potential? Younger second wives are often very naive about what a stepfamily will actually be like, and resent that they aren't getting the first-go-round parenting experience. Basically you're a stepmom for a while, then parenting teens, then you realize you're married to an old guy. It's not easy. Maybe the second-round kids and wife are getting a "better" deal than the first-round kids did, but it still isn't a very good setup.

Teenagers can be very, very time-consuming and expensive. Yes they get a bit more independent, but they still need a lot of parenting and supervision (even if they'd rather be unsupervised). If they have serious problems like drug use, it's going to be a huge issue and require copious time and attention. If they have any particular talent or sport, that can cost a lot too, plus travel. Then there's college visits. Then college. Then there will be a bit of a lull in their mid-twenties, then they'll start in with weddings and babies and wanting him to be an involved grandfather, meanwhile he'll be occupied with the younger set home as teenagers. It's a lot. In a family with 4 or more kids, it's always something, even as the kids grow older and even if everything is going well. If anyone develops a serious health or personal problem, the total family load can be a lot to bear.

He's still going to owe child support, not sure what you mean about being in two places at once. The less custody time he has with the older kids, the more he's going to owen. Don't forget about paying for college! Oh, and can't skimp on retirement savings-- not much time to catch up on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to be very clear with her if you are done having kids.

This. Stop
wasting her time. If you don’t want to have kids that’s understandable. But you need to be honest.

She should be dating childless men in their thirties.

Not true. I met my divorced with two children DH in my early thirties. We've been together for sometime now and have added two children to our family. It stops there, but our relationship and chemistry was something we knew doesn't come along everyday. He never did not want another child, I never really want my own child. Our relationship grew into wanting to have add another child to the family and it's worked wonderfully with the half siblings living with us the majority of the time just so they can hang out with their brother and sister. We have an eleven year age difference, but I was always far too mature for younger men so it works for me and for both of us.

How much does each of you make ?

Combined household income of 300,000 plus, and I brought my own retirement accounts and investment accounts into the marriage. As I said, I was always mature for my age and listened to my parents. Starting saving as soon as I started working, no matter what my income was at the time.

[Anonymous]

As long as OP is honest with the girlfriend, she can make the decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As long as OP is honest with the girlfriend, she can make the decision.

She can, but does OP really want to pursue a relationship with someone who wants to have more kids? OP has a decision to make here too. I would recommend strongly against-- either his unwillingness to have kids will break them up eventually, or she'll realize that step-parenting is a bad deal and they'll be unhappy. If she's too naive to catch on to that now, he's setting himself up for a sad situation or second divorce. Best to cut the cord and find someone who's mature enough to understand his situation and doesn't want more kids.

[Anonymous]

Too big of an age gap. My DH is 7 years older and it started to show when he turned 55. You're already showing signs of an age gap and having different priorities. This only intensifies with age. You would have more in common with a woman who is in a similar boat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dude, she wants a baby insider her. With a stable man of means.

Use protection until you get snipped.

I have two toddlers with my wife. I can’t imagine getting my kids to age 10 and 12…and then starting all over again with a new infant. That’s being a glutton for punishment.

I didn’t regard raising kids as punishment. I had a blast. I’m not planning on doing it again, but a hot thirtysomething could probably talk me into it.

Plenty of hot 30-something’s in the wild who don’t want to talk you into a baby.

I’m in the messy guts of the child rearing years and you’re reminiscing with rose colored glasses. I’m early 40s right now and having a new baby at 50 would probably nearly kill me. No way would I have the bandwidth for that, especially if your older kids are becoming more independent and you’re getting to reclaim some of your personal time. No hot piece of tail could ever talk me into that.

My kids are 13 and 16 and I'm not "reclaiming personal time". I'm doing as much stuff with them as ever. Sports, extracurriculars, vacations, helping with schoolwork, hiking/biking, etc.

Not to mention, as I instantly realized as soon as I had kids, the time you spend being a parent is infinitely more valuable and rewarding than any of the dumb sh*t one does with "personal time" before kids. You want your "personal time" back so you can surf the web on your phone and what else? That's weak.

Nah. I'll take the weak option. I have a rich, fulfilling personal life outside parenting and I have always made sure to make time for it

[Anonymous]

Having kids a second time is an opportunity to do it right. My kids by my second, current wife are what I should have gotten the first time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having kids a second time is an opportunity to do it right. My kids by my second, current wife are what I should have gotten the first time.

Troll or if not, you are a troll to your kids. If you cared about your kids at all you would say “with my second wife, I am the parent I should have been to my first set of kids.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Too big of an age gap. My DH is 7 years older and it started to show when he turned 55. You're already showing signs of an age gap and having different priorities. This only intensifies with age. You would have more in common with a woman who is in a similar boat.

Agreed. My DH is 10 years older and he is 55 I am feeling the age difference now!