Little kids and adult social life

[Anonymous]

I just want to note here that I think for most women, the ability to go out without kids comes down to three things:

- Affordability of childcare
- Availability of childcare
- Support of partner and/or other family

It really is not a SAHM versus working mom thing, and I don't actually think it's a question of some women not wanting that time to themselves or with their friends. It's entirely about resources.

Some people have lots of resources for this, others have almost none. Also, these factors are linked -- if you can afford to hire babysitters frequently, you will naturally have more babysitters available to you because you are hiring them regularly. Also, a partner who is supportive of you going out on your own is also more likely to be interested in going out with you, and more likely to share the burden of finding childcare for those outings as well.

If you know a woman who NEVER goes out without her kids, don't just assume she doesn't value it. If money is tight, if you have no local family, if your partner works long hours or is resentful and untrustworthy if left alone with the kids, it's going to be incredibly hard to get out without kids. And the less frequently you do it, the harder it is, because it just makes it that much harder to find childcare or get the kids to adjust to you not being there for bedtime or whatever.

I am someone who values time to myself and away from my child A LOT and it's also been a permanent struggle to get it. I was supposed to go out last week on my own while DH stayed home and did bedtime, but he had an issue at work and it just didn't happen. Story of my life. Hopefully it happens this week. I've learned not to hinge my happiness on it because it's just really hard for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just want to note here that I think for most women, the ability to go out without kids comes down to three things:

- Affordability of childcare
- Availability of childcare
- Support of partner and/or other family

It really is not a SAHM versus working mom thing, and I don't actually think it's a question of some women not wanting that time to themselves or with their friends. It's entirely about resources.

Some people have lots of resources for this, others have almost none. Also, these factors are linked -- if you can afford to hire babysitters frequently, you will naturally have more babysitters available to you because you are hiring them regularly. Also, a partner who is supportive of you going out on your own is also more likely to be interested in going out with you, and more likely to share the burden of finding childcare for those outings as well.

If you know a woman who NEVER goes out without her kids, don't just assume she doesn't value it. If money is tight, if you have no local family, if your partner works long hours or is resentful and untrustworthy if left alone with the kids, it's going to be incredibly hard to get out without kids. And the less frequently you do it, the harder it is, because it just makes it that much harder to find childcare or get the kids to adjust to you not being there for bedtime or whatever.

I am someone who values time to myself and away from my child A LOT and it's also been a permanent struggle to get it. I was supposed to go out last week on my own while DH stayed home and did bedtime, but he had an issue at work and it just didn't happen. Story of my life. Hopefully it happens this week. I've learned not to hinge my happiness on it because it's just really hard for us.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have regular sitters and try to go out at least once a week as a couple.

Most people I meet seem only interested in socializing as a family. I rarely meet a couple or woman who is open to getting together without kids. It makes me feel strange that I seem to have this desire for independence that other women don’t seem to have. When I go out with adults I also don’t feel the need to talk about kids.

The other day I got together with a mom and her child and found out the mom of a 7 year old has never had a babysitter. What?! I can’t fathom this and don’t understand how this happens. It’s not a financial thing. I do think there are a lot of women living like this these days and perhaps it’s anxiety.

Are you hanging out with SAHMs? In my friend group (which includes friends from high school, college, jobs, and neighborhood), we all work, and we all take time away from our kids. My high school and college friends aren't local so we travel to see each other 4 times a year. Professional and neighborhood friends we do dinners, weekend activities, trips, etc. Only one of these friends doesn't work, and she's the one who is always the hardest to make plans with. Maybe it's a coincidence.

Many times SAHPs don't have built-in childcare like working parents do. When I worked full-time I had a nanny so if I wanted to go to happy hour or dinner I could just text my nanny to see if she could stay longer. If I needed to travel for work the routine didn't really change because my husband could handle mornings and evenings (and I could still ask the nanny to come early or stay late if my husband also had a work dinner or meeting). But when I became a SAHP last minute invites were much harder because I had to find childcare. I've adjusted and try to keep a list of 4-6 babysitters on file for when I need someone but my kids are older now and have activities which means I would often need someone who could handle pickup and dropoff. If I had an au pair or nanny that person would already be comfortable doing those things.

I'm a working parent and we don't have "built-in childcare" outside of working hours. We've got a home daycare for our youngest, and preschool and an afterschool program for our oldest. None of those are available when we want to have a date night or go out on the weekends. Sure, working parents who can afford a nanny or an au pair might have more flexibility, but that's hardly all (or even most) working parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have regular sitters and try to go out at least once a week as a couple.

Most people I meet seem only interested in socializing as a family. I rarely meet a couple or woman who is open to getting together without kids. It makes me feel strange that I seem to have this desire for independence that other women don’t seem to have. When I go out with adults I also don’t feel the need to talk about kids.

The other day I got together with a mom and her child and found out the mom of a 7 year old has never had a babysitter. What?! I can’t fathom this and don’t understand how this happens. It’s not a financial thing. I do think there are a lot of women living like this these days and perhaps it’s anxiety.

Are you hanging out with SAHMs? In my friend group (which includes friends from high school, college, jobs, and neighborhood), we all work, and we all take time away from our kids. My high school and college friends aren't local so we travel to see each other 4 times a year. Professional and neighborhood friends we do dinners, weekend activities, trips, etc. Only one of these friends doesn't work, and she's the one who is always the hardest to make plans with. Maybe it's a coincidence.

Many times SAHPs don't have built-in childcare like working parents do. When I worked full-time I had a nanny so if I wanted to go to happy hour or dinner I could just text my nanny to see if she could stay longer. If I needed to travel for work the routine didn't really change because my husband could handle mornings and evenings (and I could still ask the nanny to come early or stay late if my husband also had a work dinner or meeting). But when I became a SAHP last minute invites were much harder because I had to find childcare. I've adjusted and try to keep a list of 4-6 babysitters on file for when I need someone but my kids are older now and have activities which means I would often need someone who could handle pickup and dropoff. If I had an au pair or nanny that person would already be comfortable doing those things.

I'm a working parent and we don't have "built-in childcare" outside of working hours. We've got a home daycare for our youngest, and preschool and an afterschool program for our oldest. None of those are available when we want to have a date night or go out on the weekends. Sure, working parents who can afford a nanny or an au pair might have more flexibility, but that's hardly all (or even most) working parents.

I'm the PP that posted about having "built-in childcare" and I didn't mean to imply that all working parents have tons of flexibility. What I was trying to say that many working parents are used to having to find childcare because they have to. If your at-home daycare provider offered to babysit would you feel comfortable with that? Presumably you would since you leave your child in their care on a regular basis. If cost wasn't an issue could you find a babysitter? Most of the working parents I know will ask former daycare providers, other families, etc for recommendations when they need backup or holiday break help. But alot of SAHPs are not as comfortable leaving their child because they don't do it on a regular basis. So when they get the opportunity to go out they don't because the idea of finding childcare is too hard.

[Anonymous]

We have 3 kids under 7 (one is a baby still) so most of our socializing is with families. I’d say I only socialize with just other adults 2x month on average if that. Same for DH. It’s exhausting for one person to do bedtime alone so we generally don’t go out until the youngest is at least down for the night. And honestly we are tired and just like chilling together during the week.

Last month I went out to 2 dinners with girlfriends. I’m actually going on a weekend girls’ trip next month though that I’m excited about. And DH and I are doing a kid free weekend for my birthday this fall.

I also go to an exercise class 1-2x/week and maybe once or twice a month go to a coffee shop alone on my lunch break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have regular sitters and try to go out at least once a week as a couple.

Most people I meet seem only interested in socializing as a family. I rarely meet a couple or woman who is open to getting together without kids. It makes me feel strange that I seem to have this desire for independence that other women don’t seem to have. When I go out with adults I also don’t feel the need to talk about kids.

The other day I got together with a mom and her child and found out the mom of a 7 year old has never had a babysitter. What?! I can’t fathom this and don’t understand how this happens. It’s not a financial thing. I do think there are a lot of women living like this these days and perhaps it’s anxiety.

Are you hanging out with SAHMs? In my friend group (which includes friends from high school, college, jobs, and neighborhood), we all work, and we all take time away from our kids. My high school and college friends aren't local so we travel to see each other 4 times a year. Professional and neighborhood friends we do dinners, weekend activities, trips, etc. Only one of these friends doesn't work, and she's the one who is always the hardest to make plans with. Maybe it's a coincidence.

Many times SAHPs don't have built-in childcare like working parents do. When I worked full-time I had a nanny so if I wanted to go to happy hour or dinner I could just text my nanny to see if she could stay longer. If I needed to travel for work the routine didn't really change because my husband could handle mornings and evenings (and I could still ask the nanny to come early or stay late if my husband also had a work dinner or meeting). But when I became a SAHP last minute invites were much harder because I had to find childcare. I've adjusted and try to keep a list of 4-6 babysitters on file for when I need someone but my kids are older now and have activities which means I would often need someone who could handle pickup and dropoff. If I had an au pair or nanny that person would already be comfortable doing those things.

I'm a working parent and we don't have "built-in childcare" outside of working hours. We've got a home daycare for our youngest, and preschool and an afterschool program for our oldest. None of those are available when we want to have a date night or go out on the weekends. Sure, working parents who can afford a nanny or an au pair might have more flexibility, but that's hardly all (or even most) working parents.

I'm the PP that posted about having "built-in childcare" and I didn't mean to imply that all working parents have tons of flexibility. What I was trying to say that many working parents are used to having to find childcare because they have to. If your at-home daycare provider offered to babysit would you feel comfortable with that? Presumably you would since you leave your child in their care on a regular basis. If cost wasn't an issue could you find a babysitter? Most of the working parents I know will ask former daycare providers, other families, etc for recommendations when they need backup or holiday break help. But alot of SAHPs are not as comfortable leaving their child because they don't do it on a regular basis. So when they get the opportunity to go out they don't because the idea of finding childcare is too hard.

All of this, and also implied: kids who are daycare/preschool all day while their parents are at school are often easier to leave with sitters. Especially a sitter they know, but also even a sitter they don't. Because they are more accustomed to being with other childcare providers than their family.

The more you go out, the easier it is on your kid when you go out. It's part of their routine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just want to note here that I think for most women, the ability to go out without kids comes down to three things:

- Affordability of childcare
- Availability of childcare
- Support of partner and/or other family

It really is not a SAHM versus working mom thing, and I don't actually think it's a question of some women not wanting that time to themselves or with their friends. It's entirely about resources.

Some people have lots of resources for this, others have almost none. Also, these factors are linked -- if you can afford to hire babysitters frequently, you will naturally have more babysitters available to you because you are hiring them regularly. Also, a partner who is supportive of you going out on your own is also more likely to be interested in going out with you, and more likely to share the burden of finding childcare for those outings as well.

If you know a woman who NEVER goes out without her kids, don't just assume she doesn't value it. If money is tight, if you have no local family, if your partner works long hours or is resentful and untrustworthy if left alone with the kids, it's going to be incredibly hard to get out without kids. And the less frequently you do it, the harder it is, because it just makes it that much harder to find childcare or get the kids to adjust to you not being there for bedtime or whatever.

I am someone who values time to myself and away from my child A LOT and it's also been a permanent struggle to get it. I was supposed to go out last week on my own while DH stayed home and did bedtime, but he had an issue at work and it just didn't happen. Story of my life. Hopefully it happens this week. I've learned not to hinge my happiness on it because it's just really hard for us.

This is so true! I’m a working single parent and while my kids are in daycare, I almost never do babysitters because money is tight and routine makes things easier. But this means if I want to get a babysitter it’s this huge additional lift because I rarely get them so I feel like there are all these details to work out and I often find myself wondering why I’m paying for so much stress and bother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just want to note here that I think for most women, the ability to go out without kids comes down to three things:

- Affordability of childcare
- Availability of childcare
- Support of partner and/or other family

It really is not a SAHM versus working mom thing, and I don't actually think it's a question of some women not wanting that time to themselves or with their friends. It's entirely about resources.

Some people have lots of resources for this, others have almost none. Also, these factors are linked -- if you can afford to hire babysitters frequently, you will naturally have more babysitters available to you because you are hiring them regularly. Also, a partner who is supportive of you going out on your own is also more likely to be interested in going out with you, and more likely to share the burden of finding childcare for those outings as well.

If you know a woman who NEVER goes out without her kids, don't just assume she doesn't value it. If money is tight, if you have no local family, if your partner works long hours or is resentful and untrustworthy if left alone with the kids, it's going to be incredibly hard to get out without kids. And the less frequently you do it, the harder it is, because it just makes it that much harder to find childcare or get the kids to adjust to you not being there for bedtime or whatever.

I am someone who values time to myself and away from my child A LOT and it's also been a permanent struggle to get it. I was supposed to go out last week on my own while DH stayed home and did bedtime, but he had an issue at work and it just didn't happen. Story of my life. Hopefully it happens this week. I've learned not to hinge my happiness on it because it's just really hard for us.

I know a good number of women who do not appear interested in doing anything without kids and they have the resources.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to note here that I think for most women, the ability to go out without kids comes down to three things:

- Affordability of childcare
- Availability of childcare
- Support of partner and/or other family

It really is not a SAHM versus working mom thing, and I don't actually think it's a question of some women not wanting that time to themselves or with their friends. It's entirely about resources.

Some people have lots of resources for this, others have almost none. Also, these factors are linked -- if you can afford to hire babysitters frequently, you will naturally have more babysitters available to you because you are hiring them regularly. Also, a partner who is supportive of you going out on your own is also more likely to be interested in going out with you, and more likely to share the burden of finding childcare for those outings as well.

If you know a woman who NEVER goes out without her kids, don't just assume she doesn't value it. If money is tight, if you have no local family, if your partner works long hours or is resentful and untrustworthy if left alone with the kids, it's going to be incredibly hard to get out without kids. And the less frequently you do it, the harder it is, because it just makes it that much harder to find childcare or get the kids to adjust to you not being there for bedtime or whatever.

I am someone who values time to myself and away from my child A LOT and it's also been a permanent struggle to get it. I was supposed to go out last week on my own while DH stayed home and did bedtime, but he had an issue at work and it just didn't happen. Story of my life. Hopefully it happens this week. I've learned not to hinge my happiness on it because it's just really hard for us.

I know a good number of women who do not appear interested in doing anything without kids and they have the resources.

Yeah I have to agree. I also know a lot of women who just aren't comfortable with using childcare. They have the financial means and a spouse who would love to go out with them but they can't get over the anxiety of leaving their kid and having someone else do the bedtime routine. Maybe they value seeing friends but they don't value it enough to find a way to utilize childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have regular sitters and try to go out at least once a week as a couple.

Most people I meet seem only interested in socializing as a family. I rarely meet a couple or woman who is open to getting together without kids. It makes me feel strange that I seem to have this desire for independence that other women don’t seem to have. When I go out with adults I also don’t feel the need to talk about kids.

The other day I got together with a mom and her child and found out the mom of a 7 year old has never had a babysitter. What?! I can’t fathom this and don’t understand how this happens. It’s not a financial thing. I do think there are a lot of women living like this these days and perhaps it’s anxiety.

Are you hanging out with SAHMs? In my friend group (which includes friends from high school, college, jobs, and neighborhood), we all work, and we all take time away from our kids. My high school and college friends aren't local so we travel to see each other 4 times a year. Professional and neighborhood friends we do dinners, weekend activities, trips, etc. Only one of these friends doesn't work, and she's the one who is always the hardest to make plans with. Maybe it's a coincidence.

Many times SAHPs don't have built-in childcare like working parents do. When I worked full-time I had a nanny so if I wanted to go to happy hour or dinner I could just text my nanny to see if she could stay longer. If I needed to travel for work the routine didn't really change because my husband could handle mornings and evenings (and I could still ask the nanny to come early or stay late if my husband also had a work dinner or meeting). But when I became a SAHP last minute invites were much harder because I had to find childcare. I've adjusted and try to keep a list of 4-6 babysitters on file for when I need someone but my kids are older now and have activities which means I would often need someone who could handle pickup and dropoff. If I had an au pair or nanny that person would already be comfortable doing those things.

I'm a working parent and we don't have "built-in childcare" outside of working hours. We've got a home daycare for our youngest, and preschool and an afterschool program for our oldest. None of those are available when we want to have a date night or go out on the weekends. Sure, working parents who can afford a nanny or an au pair might have more flexibility, but that's hardly all (or even most) working parents.

I'm the PP that posted about having "built-in childcare" and I didn't mean to imply that all working parents have tons of flexibility. What I was trying to say that many working parents are used to having to find childcare because they have to. If your at-home daycare provider offered to babysit would you feel comfortable with that? Presumably you would since you leave your child in their care on a regular basis. If cost wasn't an issue could you find a babysitter? Most of the working parents I know will ask former daycare providers, other families, etc for recommendations when they need backup or holiday break help. But alot of SAHPs are not as comfortable leaving their child because they don't do it on a regular basis. So when they get the opportunity to go out they don't because the idea of finding childcare is too hard.

I mean, personally, our home daycare is very much off the clock when she closes. She is lovely and I would absolutely trust her to babysit, but can't imagine she would ever offer, and it would feel like an imposition to ask. Some of the assistant teachers in my older child's preschool babysit, but we've never hired them, because their calendars have always been full of other gigs the handful of times we've tried. Such is the life of a part-time assistant preschool teacher that they have to have lots of other side gigs.

We have one go-to babysitter who our kids love, so our plans are pretty dependent on when she's free. We could afford to pay a sitter when we go out, since it's so infrequent, but the less often we go out, the less comfortable our kids are with different sitters, and we end up in a catch-22 situation. People who have family nearby are living the dream! There are so many grandparents doing drop off or pickup on a regular basis at my older kid's preschool, and here I am rushing to get there from daycare drop off, and then say a quick goodbye to make it to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to note here that I think for most women, the ability to go out without kids comes down to three things:

- Affordability of childcare
- Availability of childcare
- Support of partner and/or other family

It really is not a SAHM versus working mom thing, and I don't actually think it's a question of some women not wanting that time to themselves or with their friends. It's entirely about resources.

Some people have lots of resources for this, others have almost none. Also, these factors are linked -- if you can afford to hire babysitters frequently, you will naturally have more babysitters available to you because you are hiring them regularly. Also, a partner who is supportive of you going out on your own is also more likely to be interested in going out with you, and more likely to share the burden of finding childcare for those outings as well.

If you know a woman who NEVER goes out without her kids, don't just assume she doesn't value it. If money is tight, if you have no local family, if your partner works long hours or is resentful and untrustworthy if left alone with the kids, it's going to be incredibly hard to get out without kids. And the less frequently you do it, the harder it is, because it just makes it that much harder to find childcare or get the kids to adjust to you not being there for bedtime or whatever.

I am someone who values time to myself and away from my child A LOT and it's also been a permanent struggle to get it. I was supposed to go out last week on my own while DH stayed home and did bedtime, but he had an issue at work and it just didn't happen. Story of my life. Hopefully it happens this week. I've learned not to hinge my happiness on it because it's just really hard for us.

I know a good number of women who do not appear interested in doing anything without kids and they have the resources.

Yeah I have to agree. I also know a lot of women who just aren't comfortable with using childcare. They have the financial means and a spouse who would love to go out with them but they can't get over the anxiety of leaving their kid and having someone else do the bedtime routine. Maybe they value seeing friends but they don't value it enough to find a way to utilize childcare.

I was like that until my youngest turned 3. And then I realized how much more it was stressing me out to always be "on" for my kids, and really making me increasingly frustrated. I noticed that I had a lot less patience with them for little things than, say, my husband, who takes more time for himself. But now at three and five, I can tell them to go play in another room by themselves and they'll usually do it, so even if I'm not hiring a sitter, I'm getting some time to myself, and that makes a lot of difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to note here that I think for most women, the ability to go out without kids comes down to three things:

- Affordability of childcare
- Availability of childcare
- Support of partner and/or other family

It really is not a SAHM versus working mom thing, and I don't actually think it's a question of some women not wanting that time to themselves or with their friends. It's entirely about resources.

Some people have lots of resources for this, others have almost none. Also, these factors are linked -- if you can afford to hire babysitters frequently, you will naturally have more babysitters available to you because you are hiring them regularly. Also, a partner who is supportive of you going out on your own is also more likely to be interested in going out with you, and more likely to share the burden of finding childcare for those outings as well.

If you know a woman who NEVER goes out without her kids, don't just assume she doesn't value it. If money is tight, if you have no local family, if your partner works long hours or is resentful and untrustworthy if left alone with the kids, it's going to be incredibly hard to get out without kids. And the less frequently you do it, the harder it is, because it just makes it that much harder to find childcare or get the kids to adjust to you not being there for bedtime or whatever.

I am someone who values time to myself and away from my child A LOT and it's also been a permanent struggle to get it. I was supposed to go out last week on my own while DH stayed home and did bedtime, but he had an issue at work and it just didn't happen. Story of my life. Hopefully it happens this week. I've learned not to hinge my happiness on it because it's just really hard for us.

I know a good number of women who do not appear interested in doing anything without kids and they have the resources.

Yeah I have to agree. I also know a lot of women who just aren't comfortable with using childcare. They have the financial means and a spouse who would love to go out with them but they can't get over the anxiety of leaving their kid and having someone else do the bedtime routine. Maybe they value seeing friends but they don't value it enough to find a way to utilize childcare.

+100, this I have observed more commonly than people not being able to afford a babysitter.

The lower income people I know usually have family (grandparents, adult siblings etc.) who are helpful and available.

[Anonymous]

The people I know who are able to do this have a local family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to note here that I think for most women, the ability to go out without kids comes down to three things:

- Affordability of childcare
- Availability of childcare
- Support of partner and/or other family

It really is not a SAHM versus working mom thing, and I don't actually think it's a question of some women not wanting that time to themselves or with their friends. It's entirely about resources.

Some people have lots of resources for this, others have almost none. Also, these factors are linked -- if you can afford to hire babysitters frequently, you will naturally have more babysitters available to you because you are hiring them regularly. Also, a partner who is supportive of you going out on your own is also more likely to be interested in going out with you, and more likely to share the burden of finding childcare for those outings as well.

If you know a woman who NEVER goes out without her kids, don't just assume she doesn't value it. If money is tight, if you have no local family, if your partner works long hours or is resentful and untrustworthy if left alone with the kids, it's going to be incredibly hard to get out without kids. And the less frequently you do it, the harder it is, because it just makes it that much harder to find childcare or get the kids to adjust to you not being there for bedtime or whatever.

I am someone who values time to myself and away from my child A LOT and it's also been a permanent struggle to get it. I was supposed to go out last week on my own while DH stayed home and did bedtime, but he had an issue at work and it just didn't happen. Story of my life. Hopefully it happens this week. I've learned not to hinge my happiness on it because it's just really hard for us.

I know a good number of women who do not appear interested in doing anything without kids and they have the resources.

Yeah I have to agree. I also know a lot of women who just aren't comfortable with using childcare. They have the financial means and a spouse who would love to go out with them but they can't get over the anxiety of leaving their kid and having someone else do the bedtime routine. Maybe they value seeing friends but they don't value it enough to find a way to utilize childcare.

+10000

It’s anxiety and they push the anxiety onto their kids as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to note here that I think for most women, the ability to go out without kids comes down to three things:

- Affordability of childcare
- Availability of childcare
- Support of partner and/or other family

It really is not a SAHM versus working mom thing, and I don't actually think it's a question of some women not wanting that time to themselves or with their friends. It's entirely about resources.

Some people have lots of resources for this, others have almost none. Also, these factors are linked -- if you can afford to hire babysitters frequently, you will naturally have more babysitters available to you because you are hiring them regularly. Also, a partner who is supportive of you going out on your own is also more likely to be interested in going out with you, and more likely to share the burden of finding childcare for those outings as well.

If you know a woman who NEVER goes out without her kids, don't just assume she doesn't value it. If money is tight, if you have no local family, if your partner works long hours or is resentful and untrustworthy if left alone with the kids, it's going to be incredibly hard to get out without kids. And the less frequently you do it, the harder it is, because it just makes it that much harder to find childcare or get the kids to adjust to you not being there for bedtime or whatever.

I am someone who values time to myself and away from my child A LOT and it's also been a permanent struggle to get it. I was supposed to go out last week on my own while DH stayed home and did bedtime, but he had an issue at work and it just didn't happen. Story of my life. Hopefully it happens this week. I've learned not to hinge my happiness on it because it's just really hard for us.

I know a good number of women who do not appear interested in doing anything without kids and they have the resources.

Yeah I have to agree. I also know a lot of women who just aren't comfortable with using childcare. They have the financial means and a spouse who would love to go out with them but they can't get over the anxiety of leaving their kid and having someone else do the bedtime routine. Maybe they value seeing friends but they don't value it enough to find a way to utilize childcare.

I’m not that interested in going out without kiddos and it’s not because of anxiety. I just really like my kid and I work so it’s not like I’m getting a ton of time with him each day. He’s still little. As I have more kids and they get older I’m sure I’ll feel differently.