Parents gave brother every role- so I feel like walking away

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi Op - it doesn’t sound like our situations are identical but perhaps they are similar. In my case, my parents also picked my brother for all tasks, and he is both closer geographically and more favored. I am the eldest child/daughter and arguably more responsible, but we’re both responsible enough. It did bother me because for example, I am the lawyer in the family and my brother would make jokes about throwing everything in a dumpster when they pass. (My folks are not like hoarders but they don’t sort anything; I’d like to save photos etc.). In my case, I had a little time and realized this choice was complicating the relationship with my brother. I approached my parents nicely and noted how much I cared about things being done right and they made me the executor. Things feel more equitably split to me now. It took a while for me to approach without too much emotion, and you may not have that time, but since it was sort of thoughtlessness on their part it was OK for them to switch it.

PS in my case I was truly motivated by not wanting to poison the relationship with my brother, even if he didn’t see anything wrong with accepting all the duties/honors without consulting anyone. We also have a this sibling. I just feel after they are gone, I don’t want to feel it went sour because they picked favorites in a hurtful way that impacts us. I don’t know that the third sibling thinks about this at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So let me tell you a story, OP:

My MIL is an intelligent, reasonable woman. But her Parkinson's and old age are really taking their toll and she needs round the clock care, which my husband's oldest brother had taken upon himself to manage and supervise, with a rotating cast of very nice aides who speak my MIL's language and cook her country's foods. He's an angel. Never has a son looked after his mother so well!

You know what my MIL does? Criticize him from morn til dusk. Because he's always there, and her diseases are progressing and she's in pain, and whatever he and the aides do, it's still not enough to alleviate her pain, the awareness of her own decline, and her fear of death. She's not a bad person, she loves him, but this is how it is. Familiarity breeds contempt.

We're overseas, and cannot physically be there. We send money and my husband, who is a doctor, participates actively in all medical decisions regarding her mother. Every week there's a medical issue.

And when we visit, my husband is greeted like the conquering hero! It's extremely unfair to his oldest brother, who does so much more of the work!

So whatever your feelings are on the power of attorney and executor... let me tell you: you do not want to be the daily point person, especially if you're a woman and your parents already don't have the best opinion of you.

Let your brother hire aides for your parents and struggle with everything. Let him be criticized. let him fight to get them into nursing homes. You can visit every now and then, be the sympathetic listener, and bring the gift of your company.

(I don't get a choice in the matter with my parents - I'm an only child!)

I was told by an elder care social worker that this is a very common dynamic - that the local sibling who does most of the work is treated poorly while the out of town sibling who swoops in for a weekend visit is treated better. It's good that you recognize this dynamic. Do something nice for your BIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So let me tell you a story, OP:

My MIL is an intelligent, reasonable woman. But her Parkinson's and old age are really taking their toll and she needs round the clock care, which my husband's oldest brother had taken upon himself to manage and supervise, with a rotating cast of very nice aides who speak my MIL's language and cook her country's foods. He's an angel. Never has a son looked after his mother so well!

You know what my MIL does? Criticize him from morn til dusk. Because he's always there, and her diseases are progressing and she's in pain, and whatever he and the aides do, it's still not enough to alleviate her pain, the awareness of her own decline, and her fear of death. She's not a bad person, she loves him, but this is how it is. Familiarity breeds contempt.

We're overseas, and cannot physically be there. We send money and my husband, who is a doctor, participates actively in all medical decisions regarding her mother. Every week there's a medical issue.

And when we visit, my husband is greeted like the conquering hero! It's extremely unfair to his oldest brother, who does so much more of the work!

So whatever your feelings are on the power of attorney and executor... let me tell you: you do not want to be the daily point person, especially if you're a woman and your parents already don't have the best opinion of you.

Let your brother hire aides for your parents and struggle with everything. Let him be criticized. let him fight to get them into nursing homes. You can visit every now and then, be the sympathetic listener, and bring the gift of your company.

(I don't get a choice in the matter with my parents - I'm an only child!)

I was told by an elder care social worker that this is a very common dynamic - that the local sibling who does most of the work is treated poorly while the out of town sibling who swoops in for a weekend visit is treated better. It's good that you recognize this dynamic. Do something nice for your BIL

PP you replied to. Yes, I have persuaded my husband that his brother should get a larger part of the inheritance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t show your brother you are hurt. It’s great that he chooses to involve you - hopefully no evil plans on his part. Help him execute - keep an eye on stuff and make sure you get what’s yours.
They are 80, they may have had all sorts of ideas like “a man should be doing this”.
Just display your readiness to help him, leave the most laborious stuff to him and keep an eye on things. It could be worse!

This is a tough one because OP I get where you are coming from.. but I agree with the quoted poster. You don’t know why your parents chose what they did, and it isn’t your brothers fault they did.

Maybe it’s because they
Recognized you already do a lot for them, and wanted to “spread the burden” if they’re worried that they are a burden.

Other times, it’s just gender stereotypes as a PP suggested. I’m a female only child who isn’t married. My dad got a terminal diagnosis during the pandemic (so we couldn’t have a lot of people on and out of their house) and we had to bring a hospital bed in for him. He asked “where are the big guys” when my girlfriends (one of whom got under the bed with socket wrenches) and I were there to set it up.

It does suck b/c of how it makes you feel - but it’s really not about you - and it’s probably not even poorly intentioned on their part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have always been most involved with my parents and have visited, had them for holidays etc.
My brother has visited maybe 6 times in 30 years- good guy- responsible- just doesn’t come around. We both live states away. I’m corporate recruiter with good job successful - so very competent business wise, too.
Now I find out they left my bother as executor and with power of attorney. Never even discussed a thing with me.
Parents are 80.
I’m very hurt and angry about this. I’m the do-er and they basically cut me out of decisions. I’m still 50/50 in will- so financially I don’t think they cut me out- but I think it’s BS they didn’t bring me into conversation about their care/ plans etc.
So on one hand I feel like saying “fine you want to leave it all to him to handle- have at it- see how that goes. He’s visited you 6 times in 30 years - but surely don’t expect me to do all the work and ask his approval.”
I know it’s so immature - but I’m really pissed.
My brother reached out this weekend to ask me to basically help figure out what to do as on that visit to find out the financial stuff he felt they need to be moved out of their home.
So I’m truly not sure how to even respond to his email. He was complicit - he should have said “ we should include Jill in this conversation etc”.
Its s so wrong the way this was handled. I know who does everything- so why should I do all that and have to ask my brother for his approval!
How should I feel/ act? What would other actually do I this situation?

If I put myself into their shoes, probably they wanted him to carry some burden and give you some relief.

This was my thinking. They may not want to add to your load and feel he can help out too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. I understand the making of legal decisions, but don’t understand the timing. The brother can make legal decisions now? For example, move them to a nursing home and sell their house even though they are still capable of making their own decisions and don’t want to move. Or, when 1 is dead and the other has dementia?

No, the power of attorney is for when the person is not able to make decisions for themselves, either temporarily or permanently. They have to lack capacity.

[Anonymous]

This was not your brother’s decision so don’t take it out on him. It seems like at the moment he is including you, which is good. Your parents are of a different generation, where the men are in charge and lead the household (you didn’t mention any cultural leanings).

This will ultimately be a very large responsibility for your brother; be grateful that’s it’s less on your plate.

[Anonymous]

OP you have lost your mind. The reason given - that he is the oldest - is typical. Had they chosen you instead it would have been because of favoritism. And as others have noted, it’s a miserable job. It’s a burden, not a blessing. You are being a huge baby about this.

My sister (the oldest) just went through this with our mother’s estate. It was a huge PITA for her, and she leaned heavily on the rest of us to get it done. And she was not the favorite , believe me. She and my mother barely got along.

[Anonymous]

You need some serious therapy that you are taking this personally because you are also "business savy".

Who the heck wants to be power of attorney? It's a burden.

I do almost everything for my parents but my brother is power of attorney, does taxes, pays bills. It's easy for him to do that from afar. As a matter of fact I just told him he need to keep track of all the doctors appointments and determine who is taking them.

The less on me the better because I will have to do more hands on.

You are totally looking at this incorrectly.

[Anonymous]

They should had a conversation with you about this to get your input and troubleshoot BEFORE making the deciiosn. That said, you don't want the roles, especially financial POA and in too many families sharing these roles turns into endless fights.

I suspect this goes deeper into perhaps childhood dynamics or feeling like your parents have seen you as an adult or something else not resolved. I know my own mother fell back into playing favorites and even though she had learned her Golden child lied about a lot and us scapegoats she finally decided were worthy, she seemed to just go right back to childhood dynamics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let it go. Let brother do all the work.

+1

Brother likely signed himself up for the jobs which reap benefits, leaving the crap work for you. Just say no.

When this happens, it is usually the offspring that benefits who influenced the parent to make it so.

[Anonymous]

If you get 50-50 and there isn't an executor fee, then I think you get a really good deal.

That being said, if your parents are in sound mind, just ask them to update the will and put both of you as POAs, AMDs, and Executors. If your brother has any sense he will jump at the chance to have someone help him with the crappiest job ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t show your brother you are hurt. It’s great that he chooses to involve you - hopefully no evil plans on his part. Help him execute - keep an eye on stuff and make sure you get what’s yours.
They are 80, they may have had all sorts of ideas like “a man should be doing this”.
Just display your readiness to help him, leave the most laborious stuff to him and keep an eye on things. It could be worse!

I think it's this. A man handles this stuff! But have a sitdown with brother and go over the stuff you want to get from your parents assets and the stuff he wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any clue why they chose him?

The brother is a man and OP is a woman.

[Anonymous]

I don't think they left him to make all of the decisions. Most of the decisions should have been made by the person who wrote the will.

He has the huge hassle of having to carry out their wishes. Maybe they thought you had done enough. Maybe they thought he had more spare time than you. Maybe they thought it would be easier for him to deal with banks, lawyers, etc.

I am an executor (for someone who is still alive). I am DREADING having to handle all of their details when they are dead (taxes, legal documents, real estate, etc). I might literally pay a stranger to do it.

Consider this a gift from your parents. They probably understand the role much more clearly than you seem to.