Parents gave brother every role- so I feel like walking away

[Anonymous]

They may have also thought you would take their death "harder" (since you were closer), making it very difficult (on numerous levels) to take care of all of this minutiae. (Clearing out their possessions, etc)

If they think of him as cold and distant, they thought this would not be so distressing for him.

It is NOT any diss from your parents. Let go of that notion!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any clue why they chose him?

He is the son. OP is the daughter. My guess reading the postings...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have always been most involved with my parents and have visited, had them for holidays etc.
My brother has visited maybe 6 times in 30 years- good guy- responsible- just doesn’t come around. We both live states away. I’m corporate recruiter with good job successful - so very competent business wise, too.
Now I find out they left my bother as executor and with power of attorney. Never even discussed a thing with me.
Parents are 80.
I’m very hurt and angry about this. I’m the do-er and they basically cut me out of decisions. I’m still 50/50 in will- so financially I don’t think they cut me out- but I think it’s BS they didn’t bring me into conversation about their care/ plans etc.
So on one hand I feel like saying “fine you want to leave it all to him to handle- have at it- see how that goes. He’s visited you 6 times in 30 years - but surely don’t expect me to do all the work and ask his approval.”
I know it’s so immature - but I’m really pissed.
My brother reached out this weekend to ask me to basically help figure out what to do as on that visit to find out the financial stuff he felt they need to be moved out of their home.
So I’m truly not sure how to even respond to his email. He was complicit - he should have said “ we should include Jill in this conversation etc”.
Its s so wrong the way this was handled. I know who does everything- so why should I do all that and have to ask my brother for his approval!
How should I feel/ act? What would other actually do I this situation?

Honestly, as an estate planner, this post is exactly the reason why they likely picked your brother. You immediately huffed and puffed about the issue and I'd imagine your "I'm the do-er" probably isn't as much as you think it is. You sound like a classic narcissist. Your brother, after founding out, reached out to you seeking your assistance knowing what you did. That shows he is likely more grounded and mature. Sorry if that offends you.

Further, not sure why your parents need to bring you into their estate plans. It is their plans and they can make the choices they want. They might not be the choices you'd make. Further, this isn't indentured servitude. Your brother can renounce any role he wants but it sounds like he wants to keep you involved.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like this is about money. Are you depending on their death to get money. Maybe brother is more financially stable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you feel hurt, disrespected, unappreciated for all your years of loyal support. I totally get that and would feel the same way. It sucks that they didn't at least talk to you about this.

Be that as it may, maybe try and think of this as your brother finally carrying his share of the load. Be available to him in a neutral way. Let him have this burden. If you can let go of your hurt feelings, sounds like this could be a good thing for you since you have so many other responsibilities. Let go of the control here.

That generation is super sexist and probably didn't consider your feelings when they made this choice.

This is good advice. See if thinking about letting him take this on to share the burden with you can allow you to let this go a bit. Can see where you are coming from but not alot to do about it. I had to handle all is this (my sister has mental illness issues) and would have been very grateful if someone helped me/was available to talk things through.

Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

My dad did the same thing - chose my older sibling as the total decision maker. Last week, he had a stroke and I insisted the hospital deal with my older sib. Eventually, sibling had to make some hard decisions about hospice, whether to bring dad home or put him in assisted living, etc. Honestly, I would have made different decisions - but I chose to support sibling and rejoice that it’s not my decision. I really don’t envy them.

[Anonymous]

As an early poster said, this is a huge burden your brother has been handed. Alternate ways you could choose to perceive this:

- you dodged a bullet. You will not be responsible for the endless nightmare tasks of estate management when they're gone. (I'm the trustee for our parents. They've been dead almost 2 years and I'm still dealing w/ the minutia - it's a total PITA that you will dodge.)
- You can be supportive in whatever ways are most meaningful to you - including all the time and energy you're spending w/ them while they're still here. It's a gift to just spend your time with them, to not have to devote those hours to managing things your brother will have to handle.
- Your parents might have thought that you are already doing so much for them that they wanted to spare you some level of work.
- Your parents might think that you're likely to bear the brunt of the local support (doctor's visits, emergency calls, daily living support etc...) while your brother would dodge that just because of geography. So they're sharing the burden.
- Your parents might feel naturally closer with you in personal matters, so then they give the business stuff to your brother. Again, just spreading things around.
- Your parents might be operating under some stupid patriarchal mindset. Oh well - nothing you can do about that - they're old and from a different generation.
- You will have the incredible luxury of being able to support your brother, while not bearing responsibility. You won't understand just what a gift that is until he's really overwhelmed after their death.

I understand you're hurt, but that is preventing you from seeing the whole thing from other perspectives. There will be SO MUCH they will need you for in coming years, don't worry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They may have also thought you would take their death "harder" (since you were closer), making it very difficult (on numerous levels) to take care of all of this minutiae. (Clearing out their possessions, etc)

If they think of him as cold and distant, they thought this would not be so distressing for him.

It is NOT any diss from your parents. Let go of that notion!!

This is why my parents chose my older sister

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let it go. Let brother do all the work.

This and thank God you've been given the choice in how much to participate in, if at all. My parents did this to me too. I'm the most successful and capable child they have, but they are fundamentally sexist. My older sister is also capable, and probably the most conscientious of us, and they gave the responsibility to our younger brother. He's the least responsible, least successful, least capable among us. I'm hurt, but I know ow they are sexist. I'm totally leaving it up to my brother! They wanted it that way!

He will scrimp and save and cut corners on their care so he gets more inheritance. I'm going to assume that's what they wanted otherwise they would have made a different choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have always been most involved with my parents and have visited, had them for holidays etc.
My brother has visited maybe 6 times in 30 years- good guy- responsible- just doesn’t come around. We both live states away. I’m corporate recruiter with good job successful - so very competent business wise, too.
Now I find out they left my bother as executor and with power of attorney. Never even discussed a thing with me.
Parents are 80.
I’m very hurt and angry about this. I’m the do-er and they basically cut me out of decisions. I’m still 50/50 in will- so financially I don’t think they cut me out- but I think it’s BS they didn’t bring me into conversation about their care/ plans etc.
So on one hand I feel like saying “fine you want to leave it all to him to handle- have at it- see how that goes. He’s visited you 6 times in 30 years - but surely don’t expect me to do all the work and ask his approval.”
I know it’s so immature - but I’m really pissed.
My brother reached out this weekend to ask me to basically help figure out what to do as on that visit to find out the financial stuff he felt they need to be moved out of their home.
So I’m truly not sure how to even respond to his email. He was complicit - he should have said “ we should include Jill in this conversation etc”.
Its s so wrong the way this was handled. I know who does everything- so why should I do all that and have to ask my brother for his approval!
How should I feel/ act? What would other actually do I this situation?

Honestly, as an estate planner, this post is exactly the reason why they likely picked your brother. You immediately huffed and puffed about the issue and I'd imagine your "I'm the do-er" probably isn't as much as you think it is. You sound like a classic narcissist. Your brother, after founding out, reached out to you seeking your assistance knowing what you did. That shows he is likely more grounded and mature. Sorry if that offends you.

Further, not sure why your parents need to bring you into their estate plans. It is their plans and they can make the choices they want. They might not be the choices you'd make. Further, this isn't indentured servitude. Your brother can renounce any role he wants but it sounds like he wants to keep you involved.

She probably is the doer. My parents did the same thing. They even lied about it for years before my sister let it slip out. Now when they call, I remind them it’s her responsibility and I’m not doing it. Of course she visits a weekend a year and never does anything. Not my problem. They sucked me into staying near them so they could help when we had kids, but never babysat once and to take care of them.

[Anonymous]

I'm in a similar situation, OP, and I would say I have better business acumen and executive function than my brother. Yet he is the son and the oldest child, so he is the executor and poa and all that. I chalk it up to inherent bias in that generation, but it does sting.

I didn't read all 5 pages of replies, but I saw someone mentioned not to take it out on your brother. I think this is a very generous perspective and probably the healthiest. He didn't ask for this - it was given to him. Help as you see fit, but also be liberal with telling your parents "Talk to Larlo. He is your poa."

It's not fair for THEM to give him power and give you burdens.

[Anonymous]

Being an executor is a huge BURDEN!

[Anonymous]

Can’t there be just one executor anyway? It seems like a burden to be avoided.

[Anonymous]

I think your first reaction is to feel hurt but I can tell you that it's a ton of work that you don't probably want OP. Let go and let him take charge. Trust us who have all been though this and hear what we are telling you OP. It's not something you really want once you see all it entails. It's a huge, time consuming burden.

[Anonymous]

You can have more than one person as an executor and on an POA/AMD. It isn't advised because it can cause issues if they disagree. But luckily for me it's been smooth going so far and much easier because then you can divide up the work with your siblings. And there is an absurd amount of work.

In Virginia, pretty sure you must have a Virginia resident as an executor (or co-executor).

So if he is out of state they might want to check on that ASAP.