Parents gave brother every role- so I feel like walking away

[Anonymous]

I know a family with this same situation but I am close to the parents who made this decision. As the years go by with their adult children they are more convinced each year that they made the right decision because the adult daughter who is miffed about the whole thing has repeatedly demonstrated erratic thinking and judgment that nobody would want as a factor in end of life decision making.

[Anonymous]

Is it cultural? In some cultures, male children are supposed to be more responsible and get more inheritance as well.

[Anonymous]

*specially elder male. Crown prince.

[Anonymous]

Probably some old fashioned sexism, too. They are 80.

OP, you can be annoyed by the hassle it may cause as your brother is less equipped to do the job, but don't ascribe any other meaning to it. IOW, don't view it as a slight to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the dumbest "complaint" I have ever heard. OP is already doing 90% of the work for one elderly relative, and is upset that she doesn't have to do the same for 2 others, who don't live nearby?

OP, you should be doing a jig, not being angry about this. Get a grip.

Because she has to talk to him about everything and he controls everything including the money.

This is so true about asking for permission!! Poster is right to be hurt.
I was in same situation. Had to ask my brother for everything- moved my parents near me and he held all the purse strings- he had to sign the checks etc. when we sold her house- i had to wait for him on phone at closing for hour he failed to sign one of the forms. So sitting at closing and late for my sons graduation almost - i had it.
Realize he was busy but to do the heavy lifting and have to have him hold all the money and signing rights for things I was managing was very tough. He did agree. It really drove a wedge between us as I felt angry I had to ask him and he always was busy and frustrated I needed him yo do things “now” which he understood but was tough.
My parents should have talked to us and set the plan up with all on how best this would work.

[Anonymous]

Attorneys, please chime in here. What " power" does the power of attorney have? Total medical and financial?

Executor is a lot of work. If he lives closer to your parents, that would make sense to me.

[Anonymous]

If your brother doesn't want to handle it and you are willing, offer to take over and ask him to tell parents to update will. Has to be a united message though.

Power of attorney just means you can make legal decisions on their behalf, like a spouse or parent of a minor would

[Anonymous]

PP here. I understand the making of legal decisions, but don’t understand the timing. The brother can make legal decisions now? For example, move them to a nursing home and sell their house even though they are still capable of making their own decisions and don’t want to move. Or, when 1 is dead and the other has dementia?

[Anonymous]

Oh my goodness, as someone who has gone through this with both parents, let him have this responsibility. Especially when things get really tough with illnesses or when your parents do pass away, much easier to not be the person who has this responsibility. If you have a good relationship it’s not like you won’t weigh in on decisions, but then you aren’t stuck with all the paperwork and phone calls that come with it. Let this go.

[Anonymous]

My sister was given executor for my parents. I was so happy. She is much more organized than me and is the oldest. I was given power of attorney (which I think is harder because of the end of life plans it involves). We joke it’s because I am less emotional and wouldn’t have a problem “pulling the plug.” But I’d also be happy if they give that to her, too. We have a good relationship and and we both want what is best for our parents. This sounds like a silly pride issue. Do you not think your brother loves your parents, too, and wants the best for them? Do you think they are trying to be kind since you are already dealing with MIL? Why are you assuming the worst of everyone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a huge burden. Why on earth do you want it?!

I’m in these roles for my parents and I’m not happy about it.

+1

Dodged a bullet.

[Anonymous]

OP, on the one hand --- it is all a headache you will NOT have. Being an Executor sucks.

If your brother involving you is more than you want, not the kind of reaching-out you appreciate, back away but handle it gracefully.

[Anonymous]

I realize this post could also be posted in the Special Needs forum, but the examples here are meant to demonstrate how two equally educated, informed and caring siblings might best handle our legal, health and financial affairs in the future in a balanced way. Each has a full-time job and family commitments with teens/husband.

- We just consulted our lawyer for an update to our wills etc. and will keep both of our daughters as Successors on POA with the ability act independently, too, in dealing with our future affairs. Both will be on the Health Care Proxy, too, since we do think these decisions might seem too much of a burden for just one to share.

- For those with a regular Family Trust, it is likely the same option as we chose for a third daughter's Special Needs Trust to have both siblings Co-Trustees of the SNT and able to act independently as the case may arise. It was suggested specifically so that one will not feel she has to answer to the other in terms of holding the "purse strings."

- On balancing out future reporting responsibilities, we will ask one daughter to be Executor of the XXX Family Trust who in the future, while the other daughter would be more directly responsible for deciding on the care plan of their sister with a disability. In terms of paperwork, the one appointed Executor of the estate will also be the point person to see that the right professionals advise and do the reporting on the SNT annually. The other will be responsible for benefits and expenses reporting as her sibling representative payee.

- Both siblings it was suggested can be appointed as "Standby Guardians" with some signature forms being required in Virginia, but our lawyer did not think necessary to go to court. We are our daughter's full guardians. By doing this one has the equivalency of a POA and Health Care Proxy in make decisions on her behalf.

Our unique position is that while we will have LTC with no time limit as we got it very early, we do not have the ability to use it in health care planning in a sequential manner of a CCRC when we might choose to or need to for one or both with the idea of our daughter being able to access similar services until she is 62! This is another level of future planning with no real pathway because of federal government age regulations on who can be in a CCRC. Our parents did have options on seeking the future care they needed, and in both cases lived to 90 - 99.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry OP. Don’t underestimate the power of sexism.

[Anonymous]

Op knows so little if she thinks she wants to be executor!