Reply to Parents gave brother every role- so I feel like walking away

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

So let me tell you a story, OP:

My MIL is an intelligent, reasonable woman. But her Parkinson's and old age are really taking their toll and she needs round the clock care, which my husband's oldest brother had taken upon himself to manage and supervise, with a rotating cast of very nice aides who speak my MIL's language and cook her country's foods. He's an angel. Never has a son looked after his mother so well!

You know what my MIL does? Criticize him from morn til dusk. Because he's always there, and her diseases are progressing and she's in pain, and whatever he and the aides do, it's still not enough to alleviate her pain, the awareness of her own decline, and her fear of death. She's not a bad person, she loves him, but this is how it is. Familiarity breeds contempt.

We're overseas, and cannot physically be there. We send money and my husband, who is a doctor, participates actively in all medical decisions regarding her mother. Every week there's a medical issue.

And when we visit, my husband is greeted like the conquering hero! It's extremely unfair to his oldest brother, who does so much more of the work!

So whatever your feelings are on the power of attorney and executor... let me tell you: you do not want to be the daily point person, especially if you're a woman and your parents already don't have the best opinion of you.

Let your brother hire aides for your parents and struggle with everything. Let him be criticized. let him fight to get them into nursing homes. You can visit every now and then, be the sympathetic listener, and bring the gift of your company.

(I don't get a choice in the matter with my parents - I'm an only child!)

[/quote]

I was told by an elder care social worker that this is a very common dynamic - that the local sibling who does most of the work is treated poorly while the out of town sibling who swoops in for a weekend visit is treated better. It's good that you recognize this dynamic. Do something nice for your BIL[/quote]

PP you replied to. Yes, I have persuaded my husband that his brother should get a larger part of the inheritance.
[/quote]

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