Parents gave brother every role- so I feel like walking away

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh my goodness, as someone who has gone through this with both parents, let him have this responsibility. Especially when things get really tough with illnesses or when your parents do pass away, much easier to not be the person who has this responsibility. If you have a good relationship it’s not like you won’t weigh in on decisions, but then you aren’t stuck with all the paperwork and phone calls that come with it. Let this go.

Except what it sounds like is they expect OP to continue to do all the work, but have none of the decisionmaking authority.

OP as things progress, I think if you are going to be doing day to day care, it’s sensible for you to sit down and ask for the legal/financial authority you need so you can do what you need to. That probably means financial power of attorney. Your brother can be executor of the will, who cares. But if you are going to be the one effectively charged with ensuring they are getting medical care, eating, house taken care of, bills paid, etc, you need to be able to have the appropriate powers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Attorneys, please chime in here. What " power" does the power of attorney have? Total medical and financial?

Executor is a lot of work. If he lives closer to your parents, that would make sense to me.

It depends on what it says. The person granting the POA can make it as limited or general as they choose.

[Anonymous]

Basic sexism. They assumed the boy would know better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let it go. Let brother do all the work.

That is what I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the dumbest "complaint" I have ever heard. OP is already doing 90% of the work for one elderly relative, and is upset that she doesn't have to do the same for 2 others, who don't live nearby?

OP, you should be doing a jig, not being angry about this. Get a grip.

Because she has to talk to him about everything and he controls everything including the money.

Yep. I "dropped the rope" OP and went to visit parents and bought them a few things they needed as gifts, but did not do any more work. Reminded them it was older brother now and since they placed him in charge....

If my brother had reached out to me to split duties and consulted me, I would have helped him 50/50. When I asked for access to a checking account so I could buy my dad things, he refused and said I had to record alle expenses on spreadsheets. Like I was untrustworthy, about to steal, and it would take more time for me to fill out spreadsheets than just buy $30 worth of stuff every few months, so I stepped away.

I never asked him for one single damn dime of the money I spent making sure our parents had Kleenex and toothpaste and underwear, as I considered it gifts. I also stopped doing all work and communication and that was all up to him, which took a lot more time and money from his side of the equation.

So I would feel your feelings OP, and then see if your brother wants to meet, divide up tasks, and give you access to some money. If he doesn't, the job is all on him.

[Anonymous]

OP - its hurtful and dismissive and yes - probably sexism. If later on pushed by default into the active on site caretaker / coordinator only agree if given funds to support needs. Don’t take on the stressful work if it means brother pays after the fact or second guesses.

This kind of decision truly alienated me from several of my 6 siblings (choosing a sister’s husband who was an accountant but had zero idea of how to settle an estate or make saavy financial decisions. He did use his control to settle scores with percieved snubs. My older sister is an investment advisor and works with estates every day and would have been a much better choice - but not a man….

[Anonymous]

OP it would hurt/annoy me too. Hopefully your brother will be reasonable with you.

My FIL designated his eldest son instead of my DH. My BIL is a spendthrift who is a recovering (?) alcohol and painkiller addict.

When my FIL died, BIL placed my MIL in an expensive retirement home. Then acted put out when she ran out of money. Eventually DH and I had to chip in and to date have contributed almost $150K to her care. This is $ we could have saved for our DD's graduate school tuition. Oh well. Not much I can do about that now. We did move MIL into a more reasonably priced facility with better care so that's good.

Anyway OP, life is short. Decide how you want to handle this and act accordingly. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my goodness, as someone who has gone through this with both parents, let him have this responsibility. Especially when things get really tough with illnesses or when your parents do pass away, much easier to not be the person who has this responsibility. If you have a good relationship it’s not like you won’t weigh in on decisions, but then you aren’t stuck with all the paperwork and phone calls that come with it. Let this go.

Except what it sounds like is they expect OP to continue to do all the work, but have none of the decisionmaking authority.

OP as things progress, I think if you are going to be doing day to day care, it’s sensible for you to sit down and ask for the legal/financial authority you need so you can do what you need to. That probably means financial power of attorney. Your brother can be executor of the will, who cares. But if you are going to be the one effectively charged with ensuring they are getting medical care, eating, house taken care of, bills paid, etc, you need to be able to have the appropriate powers.

This. If OP will be responsible for day to day she need the proper authority. If not, let brother handle it from now on and take back your time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, on the one hand --- it is all a headache you will NOT have. Being an Executor sucks.

If your brother involving you is more than you want, not the kind of reaching-out you appreciate, back away but handle it gracefully.

This can be true, or you can be like my cousin who got her siblings to do most of the work of cleaning out the house and preparing it to be sold and many of the other executor tasks also. So I would let your brother know, if he wants to be executor, have at it, but he shouldn’t expect you to do the work for him. It’s on him now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister was given executor for my parents. I was so happy. She is much more organized than me and is the oldest. I was given power of attorney (which I think is harder because of the end of life plans it involves). We joke it’s because I am less emotional and wouldn’t have a problem “pulling the plug.” But I’d also be happy if they give that to her, too. We have a good relationship and and we both want what is best for our parents. This sounds like a silly pride issue. Do you not think your brother loves your parents, too, and wants the best for them? Do you think they are trying to be kind since you are already dealing with MIL? Why are you assuming the worst of everyone?

Op here- brother is responsible too and overall good guy. We are both equally competent. He is farther away but neither of us are close by.
I think it’s just him probably bring older and son- and my dad somewhat think my brother is pretty perfect.
I know it’s a lot of work- it’s really a situation where they should have and should still have a conversation to bring us together to discuss and with both of us potentially taking on the big task of senior care, would have been right thing to split the decison “approvals”. Not one in charge snd one doing so the work. I truly thing that was hurtful and wrong.

[Anonymous]

I feel like most people do ask their oldest to do this. I am the oldest and I also do all the work. I'm sure I'm the executor. I would never cut my sibling off or give her less money. If she were reliable I'd let her do more.

In your case I'd tell your brother to pound sand. Also speak up to your parents. Some parents think it's wonderful to make one kid do all the physical work while the further away one does the financial stuff (which can be done further away).

[Anonymous]

They are eighty. They are probably sexist. Their estate lawyer may be sexist as well.

My parents had a sexist estate attorney and he tried to talk my parents into appointing my idiot male cousin. Luckily we got our parents not to listen to them. And got them to fire the estate attorney.

So, don't take it personally.

But. It's pretty damn hard to get sh&t done if you don't have power attorney. What are you going to have to do - call the bank or the credit card company and then conference call your brother in?

He should be handling things if he is the FCPOA.

[Anonymous]

So let me tell you a story, OP:

My MIL is an intelligent, reasonable woman. But her Parkinson's and old age are really taking their toll and she needs round the clock care, which my husband's oldest brother had taken upon himself to manage and supervise, with a rotating cast of very nice aides who speak my MIL's language and cook her country's foods. He's an angel. Never has a son looked after his mother so well!

You know what my MIL does? Criticize him from morn til dusk. Because he's always there, and her diseases are progressing and she's in pain, and whatever he and the aides do, it's still not enough to alleviate her pain, the awareness of her own decline, and her fear of death. She's not a bad person, she loves him, but this is how it is. Familiarity breeds contempt.

We're overseas, and cannot physically be there. We send money and my husband, who is a doctor, participates actively in all medical decisions regarding her mother. Every week there's a medical issue.

And when we visit, my husband is greeted like the conquering hero! It's extremely unfair to his oldest brother, who does so much more of the work!

So whatever your feelings are on the power of attorney and executor... let me tell you: you do not want to be the daily point person, especially if you're a woman and your parents already don't have the best opinion of you.

Let your brother hire aides for your parents and struggle with everything. Let him be criticized. let him fight to get them into nursing homes. You can visit every now and then, be the sympathetic listener, and bring the gift of your company.

(I don't get a choice in the matter with my parents - I'm an only child!)

[Anonymous]

Hi Op - it doesn’t sound like our situations are identical but perhaps they are similar. In my case, my parents also picked my brother for all tasks, and he is both closer geographically and more favored. I am the eldest child/daughter and arguably more responsible, but we’re both responsible enough. It did bother me because for example, I am the lawyer in the family and my brother would make jokes about throwing everything in a dumpster when they pass. (My folks are not like hoarders but they don’t sort anything; I’d like to save photos etc.). In my case, I had a little time and realized this choice was complicating the relationship with my brother. I approached my parents nicely and noted how much I cared about things being done right and they made me the executor. Things feel more equitably split to me now. It took a while for me to approach without too much emotion, and you may not have that time, but since it was sort of thoughtlessness on their part it was OK for them to switch it.

[Anonymous]

Do you have kids at home? Since women typically handle more of the kid logistics, and since you are also handling your MIL, perhaps your parents wanted to spread the work. Or maybe it is their way to get him to visit more. Thinking of reasons other than sexism or favoritism.